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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU “being noisy “ whilst DH working from home

114 replies

mumof2exhausted · 20/07/2021 14:29

Husband is working from home. He has been able to go back into office for a long time, lots of his colleagues have and he goes in now and again but he prefers to work from home as can sit outside , go for runs on his lunch break etc. All fine but kids now on summer holidays and we also have a baby. He’s getting really grumpy telling us all to be quiet all the time. Just had a massive row where I told him to go back to the office if he wants silence! I’m not being unreasonable am I??

OP posts:
BIWI · 20/07/2021 16:54

Maybe @mumof2exhausted you should write out a calendar for the week, hour by hour, with all your scheduled activities, along with which room(s) in the house will be involved. Just like you would if you were in an office.

Include your lunch hour.

Then sit down with him and say 'we need to coordinate our schedules' - and also suggest a time that you will be going out for a walk/run and having a nap.

Make him realise that a) you are working too, in your place of work and b) you also deserve downtime, and that c) his schedule is as important as yours. His doesn't override yours.

UtopiaPlanitia · 20/07/2021 16:55

Sitting at the kitchen table in a family home during summer holidays and expecting to be able to concentrate on work is crazy - I think your DH needs to revise his expectations of working from home, maybe hearing how other people are managing their WFH might help him realise he’s being unreasonable:

  • We put a desk and office chair in the spare room for my husband to work from home and he uses noise-cancelling headphones if he wants to concentrate without disruption.
  • He says that he’s more productive at home because his open-plan office at work is much noisier and more disruptive of his concentration than the sounds of home life and/or kids playing outside and he no longer has colleagues just dropping by his desk to interrupt him.
  • Even though he has a lot of videocall meetings, DH is also available to help me with tasks if I need it; I message him and he pops out of the office as soon as he has a spare minute.
  • It did take us a while to adjust to being around each other 24/7 and for me to get a sense of the rhythm of his work schedule but we discussed things and worked out compromises e.g. he tells me when he’s going into videocall meetings and I don’t start hoovering upstairs or singing along to the radio 😉

I wish you luck in getting this sorted; you’re DEFINITELY not being unreasonable!

strawberrydonuts · 20/07/2021 16:56

If his office was closed then it would be reasonable for you to do your best to work around his needs (although even then, family life is loud at times and it would be hard!)

However, as his office is open, there is absolutely no reason for your family life to be disrupted by him working from home.

He is being ridiculously unreasonable.

SlothinSpirit · 20/07/2021 16:59

YANBU.

Annoying, lazy toad of a man.

Many parents (mostly women according to MN but I'm going to hope a decent number of men too) worked from home earlier this year while also homeschooling.Their workspace was the living-room and they were simultaneously answering emails, taking calls and drafting reports while supervising school-age children. They felt like they were failing both their children and their employers and, rather than having naps, were working in the small hours of the morning to catch up on their jobs. But they coped.

Your DH -

  • Has his working hours to himself.
  • Has you to facilitate his life and do the childcare.
  • Has an actual physical office he can go to.
  • Has a home office.
  • Has time for naps during his working day.
  • Has time to sit outside.
  • Has time to go for a run.

And yet the man is still complaining about his children enjoying themselves and making normal child noise in their own home.

If only provocation was still a defence, any jury would accept your plea, OP.

MzHz · 20/07/2021 17:00

I’d be sitting this guy down when all the kids are asleep, or better if someone can watch them for half an hour and I’d tell him this:

“You have an office to go to, or a study to work from but you are choosing to monopolise the centre of our home.

I have 2 kids, a baby and a house to manage and you want me to be quiet, the kids to be quiet, the baby to be quiet so you can play at working or go and take a nap, or go for a run.

Have I got this right? Because if I seriously have understood how you want to live, we have a huge issue.

You either work upstairs in your study, or you go back to work. I will not be able to keep kids quiet and don’t want to. I will be taking and making calls and I will be inviting friends and kids for lunch and play days. You can not and will not make the entire house miserable because you want a nap. Buck your ideas up or you’ll be looking after them 50/50 while I swan about doing what pleases me”

MzHz · 20/07/2021 17:01

Misunderstood

GreyEyedWitch · 20/07/2021 17:08

What a CF.

RandomMess · 20/07/2021 17:10

He is utterly taking the piss, since when did the whole house become "his"??

Moonwhite · 20/07/2021 17:11

YANBU. He has an office at work, a space to work in at home, but is plonking himself down in the middle of family life and expecting you all to be silent while he shows off how busy and important he is. Fuck that.

Treaclepie19 · 20/07/2021 17:16

I've just sent this to my husband. He's working from home and dealing with all the noise of a 5yo, a 10 month old and the general day to day dramas.
Certainly no napping taking place.

Yanbu.

AhNowTed · 20/07/2021 17:19

What @Mzhz said.

We lived like this. My mother was expected to keep 4 small children quiet.

It was miserable. We learned how to tread on eggshells before we were old enough to go to school.

Tell him the fuck off.

Maggiesfarm · 20/07/2021 17:23

@Brokenrecord3006

Yanbu! He needs to go back to the office. Carry on as you are.
Yes!
reluctantbrit · 20/07/2021 17:27

No you are not and if your DH can't cope/make proper arrangements than he needs to go back to the office.

DH works from home since DD started school. Obviously on my workdays she went to a holiday club but on my non-work days we did our things at home.

DH has an office upstairs with a door, we try to be encouraging and keep loud noises downstairs but I am not banning DD from her room next to the office (which was planned that way).

He can't go to an office as the company doesn't have a premises anymore. And strangely enough, it works despite conference calls on a daily basis for 1-2 hours plus ad-hoc calls.

MzHz · 20/07/2021 17:34

@AhNowTed

What *@Mzhz* said.

We lived like this. My mother was expected to keep 4 small children quiet.

It was miserable. We learned how to tread on eggshells before we were old enough to go to school.

Tell him the fuck off.

My ex was emotionally abusive and he would take naps… expect me to keep ds quiet

Reader, I left him and we have ZERO contact with him. He can nap all he wants. I hope he chokes in his sleep Grin

This is no way to live as you say @AhNowTed

VerticalHorizon · 20/07/2021 17:38

Working from HOME... emphasis on it being a HOME.

It's a home first and foremost, from which some work is carried out.

Sometimes homes are noisy, particularly when there are actively in use by children who LIVE there!

ahoyshipmates · 20/07/2021 17:42

Is he always this hard of thinking?

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 20/07/2021 17:49

I second this.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 20/07/2021 17:51

Oh, the quote didn't appear! I was referring to Foundation's post of 16:05.

TheTeenageYears · 20/07/2021 17:59

I am grateful everyday for not having young children and a WFH partner. He needs to go back to the office.

miniesmama · 20/07/2021 18:15

YANBU. How can you manage to keep the baby quiet? Hmm

VerticalHorizon · 20/07/2021 18:21

@miniesmama

YANBU. How can you manage to keep the baby quiet? Hmm
Ask the baby if he has any comments on your boring powerpoint presentation. If it can keep 30 adults quite, it'll work with a baby!

With a bit of luck, it'll send them to sleep!

REignbow · 20/07/2021 19:52

Your DH is being utterly ridiculous!

Napping. NAPPING!!

Nip this in the bud OP. He goes back to the office or when he’s WFH he stays in his office in your home. Also, if he has time to run/nap in his work day, then he also has time to care for his children.

Tonkerbea · 20/07/2021 20:04

With @MrsPratchett on this one. It's so incredibly thoughtless of him that is seems indicative of a person who would rather put himself first than his young family. I couldn't be married to someone like that.

I don't have a perfect marriage, but in your situation, my husband would be holding the baby/ playing with the older one if he had a gap in his diary long enough to take a nap! Because he gives a shit! And we're a team.

Is he selfish in other ways?

Cherrysoup · 20/07/2021 20:07

I can’t believe I’m reading this! Sitting at the dining room table and moaning about the noise then going for a fucking nap?! Just no! Tell him to get his lazy arse back into the office, be it at home or the real one. My god, who does he think he bloody is?!

Royalbloo · 20/07/2021 20:11

YANBU- do Amazon sell multi-packs of recorders? Might be worth a little browse...?!

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