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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it OK not to want to host family holiday next year?

106 replies

thecatsmum12346 · 19/07/2021 13:38

Love meeting up with the extended family in our holiday rental (we normally rent the same house each year) but have relatives to stay on and off for most of the week. It’s a great way for my kids to see their cousins. We never get an invite back up to theirs as they say they are busy, and it would be nice to see them at Halloween. It’s not much different even in non covid times. I do love to see them!! I have suggested they take the adjoining cottage next year but have a feeling they won’t as i would only be paying for one of the cottages. Am I being a bitch? I do find it exhausting hosting and don’t get any other holidays or time off during the year. My sister in law is a teacher. So she’s off til September. She’s really really nice. I think the other cottage would be the solution but my mum said that the weather might not be good. It’s a tough one as I am happy to book ahead, pay the money and hope for the best. I think everyone would prefer to come up fir a few nights to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
thecatsmum12346 · 19/07/2021 16:50

@CaraherEIL

No matter how nice your sister is she is taking advantage and freeloading. They should pay a rental contribution or why don’t they offer to pay every other year? They are taking the mick and I am sure you know it. How much of their visit is really to see you and how much is the free holiday? I am sure they would say they were coming to visit you on your holiday so why would they pay but underneath it all your sister must know the entertaining cuts down on your relaxation time and they crowd the place up and use more of the facilities. I think the fact that they are not leaping to rent the next door cottage is quite telling. Added to this there are no reciprocal invitations the rest of the year. If you didn’t book the freebie cottage how much would you see them? If they ask this year just say you are pairing up with friends who are sharing the rental cost.
That’s a great idea….about the pairing up with friends. Thanks
OP posts:
SomeNameorOther · 19/07/2021 17:03

Just give people jobs and responsibilities when they tell you they'll be coming - "yes, SIL, Saturday to Tuesday's fine; you're in charge of the food for us all, remember X likes this, and Y can't have that.....Oh, and don't forget the beer! Remember last year!..."

whynotwhatknot · 19/07/2021 17:08

stop this and if you dont stop paying for everything

if i go away with my dsis and her family i pay my share of the rental and food i eat i dont just rock up and expect a freebie it must cost you a fortune

HollowTalk · 19/07/2021 17:13

How many times has this happened?

Original poster
thecatsmum12346 · 19/07/2021 17:33

@HollowTalk

How many times has this happened?
3 or 4.
OP posts:
HollowTalk · 19/07/2021 17:46

I just can't see how someone can say they'll come and stay while you're on your holiday. How does the conversation go?

diddl · 19/07/2021 17:47

So if they don't come to see you when you're on holiday-when do you see them?

MatildaTheCat · 19/07/2021 17:47

I feel your pain. We do almost exactly this every year. I genuinely don’t mind paying for the property and look forward to spending time with family but the mental load is heavy- if you invite guests then you feel an obligation to be host.

I do allocate days for each family to do dinner etc but yes, it’s still my responsibility to think it through, provide basics and, worst of all, make sure the place is left empty at the end.

However I’ve already booked next year 😂

Original poster
thecatsmum12346 · 19/07/2021 17:51

@MatildaTheCat

I feel your pain. We do almost exactly this every year. I genuinely don’t mind paying for the property and look forward to spending time with family but the mental load is heavy- if you invite guests then you feel an obligation to be host.

I do allocate days for each family to do dinner etc but yes, it’s still my responsibility to think it through, provide basics and, worst of all, make sure the place is left empty at the end.

However I’ve already booked next year 😂

Here me giving you advice when I do the same myself! MatildatheCat. It’s you point about the ‘mental load’ that hits the nail on the head. I ended up sick last week but I think it was total exhaustion. My husband spent the whole week sorting out and carrying kayaks etc so it was no break for him. It’s not going to happen again despite the pressure I’ll be put under…..
OP posts:
Original poster
thecatsmum12346 · 19/07/2021 17:54

@HollowTalk

I just can't see how someone can say they'll come and stay while you're on your holiday. How does the conversation go?
I think it’s just a way for the whole family to get together but the hosting thing has always fallen on us. Even with our friends at home. I’ve had my fill of it.
OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/07/2021 17:55

It’s not going to happen again despite the pressure I’ll be put under ...

Just as well, but what are they going to do if you say no?

You might get a bit of "Ooooo and we were so looking forward to it" and maybe even some follow-up about how they didn't get a holiday if they don't sort something for themselves, but that's their choice and you can ignore it

So again, what can they actually do about it?

diddl · 19/07/2021 17:59

I can't help thinking that you're more keen on meeting up than they are?

Or it's just not a priority for them?

Depending on where you all live you could get together for a day/couple of days/long weekend & it doesn't have to be part of anyone's holiday.

I think they've fallen into the misconception of thinking that they are doing you a favour by visiting & therefore do nothing!

diddl · 19/07/2021 17:59

"It’s not going to happen again despite the pressure I’ll be put under ..."

From whom?

Hathertonhariden · 19/07/2021 18:13

@thecatsmum12346

Thanks so much everyone for comments so far. In the interests of clarity, and apologies for not making this clear. They don’t come for the full week. My parents come for 3 days and they come for 3 days. With everyone there for one lunch. The house holds 8 so my parents can’t stay whilst they are there and vice versa. They bring a lasagne for night one. I did a bbq with good dele food for 8 the second night. I had to go and do a big shop for that and bring back beer at their request. Lunches etc usually my stuff. But I did have to get them to buy their own coffee as we use the ikea decanter thing and they wanted instant, which I did not have. Oh and we ran out of loo rolls!!😅 I really do think the other house needs to be booked by them. My parents told me that the 3 days with us is the only holiday they all got this year. But it’s the same for everyone! My sis in law and brother have booked a big holiday abroad next year and I understand it is costing a fortune. So they probably don’t want to spend £630 on the house next door. Which is amazing value considering how costs have risen. There an undercurrent that I am better off. But I’m not! I am worried a precedent has been set. !!!!!
Have you sent a text to SIL and DB thanking them for reciprocating by providing next year's holiday? Just to check when it is so you can book the time off work Grin
Howshouldibehave · 19/07/2021 18:13

but the hosting thing has always fallen on us. Even with our friends at home.

What do you mean here?

I’ve had my fill of it

Then why do you keep booking a large house?

AGirlCalledJohnny · 19/07/2021 18:13

I have a CF BIL OP, I feel your pain. For some reason we're also perceived as the wealthier ones becauseweare so the carry on can be outrageously entitled, he learned it from his DM. DH is a pushover so I'm always being the bad guy saying 'hold up, that's taking the piss'. His wife is actually lovely, but rather bamboozled by him so I don't think she gets how grabby he is.

If I host Christmas, will sit on his arse expecting extravagant gifts but not produce so much as bottle of wine, but will be going through ours pronouncing what's 'good' because he once dated a wine sales rep.

Recently, DH gave him our Disney+ log in, which is fine if annoying because I keep getting muddled on what episodes we're on because he's watched them already. Yesterday he texted to see if it was ok to watch Black Widow - extra cost of $25 - and DH said sure. I asked was he paying for it? "He will. He will". My eye. Bear in mind this is the man who could only afford to send his goddaughter $15 for her birthday because 'covid', but has no problem dropping $25 of our money on his entertainment (this is a very typical btw, never saw him buy a round in my life). So I told DH to just text him his cash app info, no other comment. Suddenly he had to 'get up early for work' so he'd leave it 🙄🙄🙄

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/07/2021 18:20

I’ve had my fill of it
Then why do you keep booking a large house?

It's a fair question ...

butterry · 19/07/2021 18:20

They come because it's an easy free holiday for them at very minimal costs. They are inconsiderate CFs who won't spend time with you if they have to pay/contribute towards anything. That is why you have never had them host you. Unfortunately if you want to have a relationship with them then it's going to cost you because that's the precedent that has been set and suits them just fine. I would just rent a cottage that fits just your family and enjoy your time as a family without having an stress of thinking about your extended family. I'm sure they will figure something else out by themselves.

igelkott2021 · 19/07/2021 18:28

Sounds like the best option is to rent a much smaller house elsewhere so they have to pay for their own if they want to join you.

FakeColinCaterpillar · 19/07/2021 18:28

I’d just book somewhere now that just fits your family. When they ask just say, we couldn’t afford anything larger this time but it would be nice if you came to stay in the area. Guessing they just won’t come.
It’s a habit that needs breaking.

Original poster
thecatsmum12346 · 19/07/2021 18:38

@butterry

They come because it's an easy free holiday for them at very minimal costs. They are inconsiderate CFs who won't spend time with you if they have to pay/contribute towards anything. That is why you have never had them host you. Unfortunately if you want to have a relationship with them then it's going to cost you because that's the precedent that has been set and suits them just fine. I would just rent a cottage that fits just your family and enjoy your time as a family without having an stress of thinking about your extended family. I'm sure they will figure something else out by themselves.
Thanks. Good advice.
OP posts:
Bellyups · 19/07/2021 18:44

Your family are taking the piss out of you op.

pussycatlickinglollyices · 19/07/2021 18:49

My parents used to do this (back in the 80s) we'd have nice Aunt and Uncle for a weekend, another Aunt and Uncle with their DD for a few days and mums cousin, his wife and their youngest DD for a few days...after a few years of this it got a bit OTT, Mum was sick of paying for and prepping then cooking a full Sunday Lunch for them all, so the dates were moved by a week (maybe 2) which screwed their freeloading... we only got the nice Aunt and Uncle that year. Wink

pussycatlickinglollyices · 19/07/2021 18:51

oops, meant to say self-catering cottage - 2 doubles and a twin...their was a massive 10 berth caravan mostly empty available next door.

CarnationCat · 19/07/2021 18:53

They're getting a free holiday every year. Stop doing this. Book a holiday for your family. Maybe let them know where you're going and when and say it would be nice if they could come and stop somewhere in the area so you could all meet up.