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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it OK not to want to host family holiday next year?

106 replies

thecatsmum12346 · 19/07/2021 13:38

Love meeting up with the extended family in our holiday rental (we normally rent the same house each year) but have relatives to stay on and off for most of the week. It’s a great way for my kids to see their cousins. We never get an invite back up to theirs as they say they are busy, and it would be nice to see them at Halloween. It’s not much different even in non covid times. I do love to see them!! I have suggested they take the adjoining cottage next year but have a feeling they won’t as i would only be paying for one of the cottages. Am I being a bitch? I do find it exhausting hosting and don’t get any other holidays or time off during the year. My sister in law is a teacher. So she’s off til September. She’s really really nice. I think the other cottage would be the solution but my mum said that the weather might not be good. It’s a tough one as I am happy to book ahead, pay the money and hope for the best. I think everyone would prefer to come up fir a few nights to me.

OP posts:
diddl · 19/07/2021 15:32

@Want2beme

If you don't want to share your holiday with them, that's perfectly OK. It's your life and you can choose how you live it.
Absolutely!
Catflapkitkat · 19/07/2021 15:33

I think your mum is out of order saying 'but it's the only holiday they will get this year'. Their getaway is not your responsibility.

BrilliantBetty · 19/07/2021 15:34

They are CF not to chip in.

Tell them it got out of hand with you footing the bill and this year and future years it'll just be you and your family. If they want to share cost you would be happy to consider it. You'll not hear another word about it, they just though they might as well since it's already paid (by you!).

Nutsabouttopic · 19/07/2021 15:36

You say "we rent" so I'll take it that you have a partner. What do they think about your family descending on your family holiday. Is this your only holiday. I was in the same position until I started saying "Let us know where you are booking and we will come to see you" when people were saying that they would love to come and stay. By the sounds of it you do enjoy having your family but a little less of them perhaps

Xiaoxiong · 19/07/2021 15:38

We do this with family, where there is one designated family member who chooses and books accommodation (convenient for just one person to do this for various reasons) but then another person buys all the food and cooks it, and other family members pay for all the wine/meals out/outings etc and as we go along we communicate how much things are so by the end of the week we make sure we're all about even in terms of the amounts we've spent. If one person's a bit light in terms of their contribution they transfer some cash to the others. This avoids the palaver of splitting every meal/big shop/wine etc multiple ways each time.

Accommodation person generally ONLY pays for the place and for their own travel there, and then doesn't have to pay for a thing for the rest of the trip.

This only works if your family isn't full of freeloading CFs or someone throwing a pity party about how they're poorer than the rest and should be subsidised.

ChateauMargaux · 19/07/2021 15:44

So what is the likely outcome..

You say: Mum and Dad, I love having you come to visit and join us on holiday but after 4 years doing this, I am feeling the burden of hosting and paying for everyone and all the work that it involves. I would like to change the dynamic a bit so that I feel we are all putting something into the holiday. Do you think you might consider renting the place next door with DB and their family so we can share the load a bit?
Mum says.. sorry darling, we don't want to pay for a whole week and what happens if it rains? We will come and visit you if it's sunny and we will see DB and family will come to visit us..

I notice that you are talking about your Mum and your sister in law, where are the men in your family??? I assume it's your brother... talk to him!!

If you said the same to your brother.. is he likely to think that as he has his big holiday booked for next year, he won't be paying for a cottage to see you and therefore, the 'tradition' of you hosting everyone relies solely on you doing all of the 'wifework' as well as paying for everything and it will all fall apart unless you continue.. and your children will loose out because they won't see their cousins and you won't get this wonderful family time you enjoy?

We have similar in our family and somehow everyone seems to feel like they are dancing to everyone else's tune.. kids are 18 down to 8. We did drop in the ... 'well you know where we live' line 2 years ago and were AMAZING hosts.. but sadly Covid got in the way of us seeing if that changed behaviours when we next visit.. It is a nightmare, despite loving watching all of the cousins hang out and play together and all of us having fun at the beach, the down sides for us are pretty full on.. who knows what reality will look like a year or so down the line when travel becomes easy again, we are in 3 different countries so it really does put a massive strain on relationships..

I have no easy answer but if you end up being on your own next year, spend the extra food money on the most wonderful meal / extravagant day out or a fancy new dress and straw hat to take wonderful photos in.

MadMadMadamMim · 19/07/2021 15:45

Well, I mean...we'd all love a holiday that someone else paid for, wouldn't we?

And beer...

I took my DS(17) to a party the other week and he asked if I would get him a 4 pack of beer to take, which I agreed to. When I went into the supermarket to get it - en route to party - he was really taken aback when I said, have you got £5? It will be roughly that.

I think he was a little disgruntled, but I pointed out to him we'd all love other people to pay for our drinks in life. I was happy enough to go in and purchase it - but didn't want to set the precedent that I will pay for his alcohol when he's off drinking!

quizqueen · 19/07/2021 15:48

They should have been paying half the rental for the days they are and half the food. You are a mug.

LagunaBubbles · 19/07/2021 15:49

and bring back beer at their request

And you didn't ask them for the money?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/07/2021 15:50

I am worried a precedent has been set

You're right, it has, and the longer you let it go on the more "set" it will become, because what you've got here is the experience of every hoiday home owner writ large. Bad enough anyway, but given that they don't even reciprocate it's time to get a LOT more assertive

Forget passive aggressive nonsense about "the only holiday we'll get" and "worries about the weather" (they didn't worry when they were freeloading off you) and simply tell them you won't be hosting this year - end of, no excuses necessary

And when they whine about missing out, simply point out next door's available and ignore "Ooooo we'll make really sure we're not in your way if you change your mind". They know they won't mean it, you know they won't mean it and only you can change things

tallduckandhandsome · 19/07/2021 15:58

YANBU at all, they sound like guilt tripping cheeky fuckers.

Now is the time to say no, OP.

MedusasButterDish · 19/07/2021 15:59

If you rented a smaller cottage, with another similar=sized one next to it, your parents and DB/SIL could do the same "holiday-in-shifts" arrangement as at the "big" cottage! You could even graciously host the joint meal on their changeover day!

It might be tough to find two vacant holiday cottages this summer sorry, I do think this thread is too late , but do do your research for next year...

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/07/2021 16:00

We'd all love a holiday that someone else paid for, wouldn't we?

Personally, no I wouldn't; I'd feel "on edge" and constantly wonder if I was doing enough, chipping in enough and so on, but that's because I'm not a taker whereas this family unfortunately are

It's also why suggestions about rotas, cost sharing and so on won't work; they feel entitled to the status quo and attempts to change it will just bring pushback ("I forgot my wallet / Ooooo your cooking so much better!!") and resentment

rookiemere · 19/07/2021 16:00

Yes definitely a set precedent. We share a rental property with extended family and the split of costs has always been a slight bone of contention.

Like you other family thinks we're better off and I guess we are a bit, but also since we've started going certain members of the party now have paying jobs and low overheads so could be asked to contribute £100-200 for a week's holiday with their own bedroom.

It kind of rankled at the last one as there was a cash payment for something and a cash security deposit and it seemed everyone assumed we would pick it up. Ditto clearing out of fridge and other things.

We'll continue to go but next time I'm going to let other family book it so they can do more of the leg work. If asked we will pay a higher proportion than what we actually use.

lastcall · 19/07/2021 16:08

They should be contributing financially under the circumstances. Tell them you won't be hosting; they can rent next door or you'll see them at other times.

Blossomtoes · 19/07/2021 16:14

Just to clarify - would you book this holiday let regardless of whether or not they came? If so, I think it’s fair that you pay for the rental. We invite friends to join us when we go away and that bit of it’s our treat because we’re going anyway. BUT everyone pitches in with cooking, clearing up, food shops, etc. And we’ve always been taken out for at least one meal as a thank you.

Maggiesfarm · 19/07/2021 16:17

They should buy food and take turns cooking, etc. It isn't fair for it all to be left to you.

As children get older and are doing more of their own thing it will gradually tail off.

What is so important about getting together for Halloween? I'm in England and it's no big deal for most of us here though I know in some areas they do stuff like pumpkins in windows.

Standrewsschool · 19/07/2021 16:26

You are not a bitch, and asking them to book their own cottage is perfectly reasonable. Can’t believe they have freeloaded off you all this time. Going forward, they need to pay.

tallduckandhandsome · 19/07/2021 16:30

@Blossomtoes

Just to clarify - would you book this holiday let regardless of whether or not they came? If so, I think it’s fair that you pay for the rental. We invite friends to join us when we go away and that bit of it’s our treat because we’re going anyway. BUT everyone pitches in with cooking, clearing up, food shops, etc. And we’ve always been taken out for at least one meal as a thank you.
That's not a reason for them to expect to be invited and be hosted for 3 nights every year, and even giving OP a shopping list of items to buy.
Original poster
thecatsmum12346 · 19/07/2021 16:30

Hey I don’t think I would ever see the as we did not see them the year prior to covid after their first visit, it’s a pity as my son gets on well with his cousin. They mentioned my son travelling to see him on the bus…and stay…,but I would be very shocked if the invite comes through. They are 90 miles from us.

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 19/07/2021 16:31

I completely agree @tallduckandhandsome. It was only another perspective. 🤷‍♀️

tallduckandhandsome · 19/07/2021 16:32

@thecatsmum12346

Hey I don’t think I would ever see the as we did not see them the year prior to covid after their first visit, it’s a pity as my son gets on well with his cousin. They mentioned my son travelling to see him on the bus…and stay…,but I would be very shocked if the invite comes through. They are 90 miles from us.
They're CFers OP. They're happy to get a free holiday out of you and will never invite your son.
Original poster
thecatsmum12346 · 19/07/2021 16:33

Yes it’s all a total pain. And the big clear out at the end.

OP posts:
tallduckandhandsome · 19/07/2021 16:35

So what's the plan for this year? Could you just keep quiet about it? And when asked just say we're not having guests this year?

Original poster
thecatsmum12346 · 19/07/2021 16:46

@Keepitonthedownlow

do they ever have you round to theirs for food, play dates etc? Maybe they see that as when they are returning the favour?
No. They are 90 miles away. I have suggested doing something but they are always so ‘busy’.
OP posts: