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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Step daughter … and my money. AIBU

119 replies

bto35 · 18/07/2021 17:41

Hi I will try to keep this sweet and short

My step daughters prom was coming up and she was wanting to look her best, the usual new dress and so on. Her mum works hard and doesn’t have a lot of spare cash, and we work hard too. The parents came to agreement on her clothes and shoes and so on and me wanting to do something kind and help her a little offered to pay for her nails she wanted doing. This cost £50

I handed the cash over a month ago and today I asked if she was excited for it coming ( supposed to be next week ) and she tells me oh it’s cancelled we won’t be having one …

She looked a little uncomfortable and I’m thinking it’s because I handed her £50 for her nails but there is no prom.

I’m not rolling in the cash but I was happy to do this for her prom for her. I wouldn’t dream to expect it back

But I can’t help wonder if she should have told me the prom is off , do you want it back ? After all there is no occasion for her nails to be done for now

Or am I being a cow to even think it

OP posts:

thedarkling · 18/07/2021 20:07

Poor kid is probably having a shit time at the moment. I would leave it alone to be honest.

billy1966 · 18/07/2021 20:11

@Georgyporky

I'd let it go for now, but next birthday/Xmas tell her she had her present on x date.

This.

And say it next time you see her!

InFiveMins · 18/07/2021 20:11

It's £50, hardly £500. She's just being a teenager, it's disappointing enough that her prom was cancelled without having to hand out extra punishment. I'd just leave it.

Grace58 · 18/07/2021 20:14

I’d leave it, she’s had a crap and stressful year with GCSEs, a big disappointment with the prom… I would write it off!

notacooldad · 18/07/2021 20:16

*Georgyporky
I'd let it go for now, but next birthday/Xmas tell her she had her present on x date.

This.
And say it next time you see her!. Which one? Wait till Christmas or tell next time you see her. Make your mind up. Either way is harsh IMO.

Eeiliethya · 18/07/2021 20:17

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

Yes she should have offered it back. But you love her and wanted to treat her, which is lovely. In your shoes I'd say it's a shame it's been cancelled, you must be very disappointed. You don't have to give me the £50 back, buy yourself a little treat instead.

Exactly what I'd have said when SDD mentioned it was cancelled, I would hate to make her feel shit about it, it's been a shit year for the kids and proms seem to be a big thing for them. It was a sunk cost as soon as you agreed to hand the money over, I would not resent any part of this scenario at all.

Eeiliethya · 18/07/2021 20:21

@bto35

She is well mannered, I think that’s why she was squirming when she said it’s not on anymore … I’m sure the money has long been spent . I posted here because I did wonder if I am being a cow to expect it back or offered back ? Seems clear it’s not unreasonable, in this situation I’m going to ask her dad to pay me back rather than make her more uncomfortable

Cmon OP. Whether it's on nails or whatever, you didn't expect that money to come back so why not just let it go. if her mum doesn't have much spare cash she mustn't get to indulge very often.

Do you need the £50? Are you struggling? If so then I can kind of see why you might want to recoup the money but if not then... why?

Gilly12345 · 18/07/2021 20:30

I definitely would be letting husband and step daughter know that I am annoyed for not being told prom is off but surely with COVID as it is that is not surprising, however I would ask her about the money and see if you are offered it back and if not an explanation on what it was spent on, she needs to realise that she should of given/offered the money back.

Original poster

bto35 · 18/07/2021 20:33

I don’t have £50 to just hand out for treats. I gave it for a reason for a one off event. She’s actually not that bothered about prom, they rearranged it twice and then gave up altogether .

She has a blessed life. She has two great parents and a approachable and kind step mum in me ( not that we use those titles ) I have three children of my own, had I done for them the same in the same situation I would have taken it back . But she isn’t my child so I wasn’t sure how to approach it

Your absolutely right not my husbands job to apologise on her behalf he could simply understand when I pointed it out that she should have thought to offer but yes she’s 17 on February and doesn’t have a ton of life experience under her belt to ‘ know that ‘

I wouldn’t say anything to her as I wouldn’t want to make her feel any kind of way uncomfortable about it .

A set of acrylic nails here in the south is £35 if you want additional nail art then yes it’s going to cost the amount I gave. The majority of her friends are from well off families and have a lot of money, this was also one of the reasons I wanted to ‘ help’ with a additional cost.

She does for sure have some lessons to learn about money. She often texts her father for money short notice because she’s been invited out for lunch or dinner with her friends and one week she got £90 out of him in 3 separate payments , that’s down to him though and not my business .

OP posts:

crochetmonkey74 · 18/07/2021 20:36

I wouldnt have known at 16 OP, I wasnt horrible but my mum wasnt good at social etiquette stuff. I actually cringe now at stuff I did or didnt do that was wrong until I knew better.
I would have said something like 'will you still need the nail money, or why dont you take me out for coffee and cake with the money instead?' That way she learns but doesnt have to feel embarassed

spongedog · 18/07/2021 20:38

You sound lovely and supportive. I was going to say if she's spent it on other things, then it isn't there next time for an occasion, but I have seen your updates. I dont think a teenager's first thought is gosh those monies are hard earned - I must pay back; and perhaps your DH was a bit slow on the uptake. But now you are now square (financially) - so you can be as generous for the next big occasion if you choose to be.

I have a friend who is a SM - and she finds the gratitude from the now adult SC - very different to what she would like. So she has become less generous. She knows she has a DH problem, as do you perhaps, but it is tricky merging families with different expectations.

Mandalay246 · 18/07/2021 21:12

You are very kind OP. Yes, she should have told you the prom had been cancelled and offered the money back, it would have been the decent thing to do. I would leave it for now - and hopefully she has learned a lesson.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 18/07/2021 21:20

Given how much the kids have missed out in this year, I’d prefer her to have the £50 to treat herself and a friend to a movie or a night out tbh rather than having her nails done! My DS had his prom cancelled too, the day after I’d been out and bought him a suit and shirt etc. It never occurred to me that it was a waste and that he should take them back, I just hope he gets a chance to wear them another time.

I’m sure your DSD will treat herself to something nice or maybe get her nails done another time with the money.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 18/07/2021 21:23

I don’t have £50 to just hand out for treats. I gave it for a reason for a one off event.

I’m not sure why there’s a difference. Nails are a treat, a night out or dinner etc with friends is a treat. The intention was to make her prom night special but you can make a different night special with your gift, so I think you should just let it go and allow her to celebrate with her friends in whatever way they choose.

My DS and his friends are arranging a meal out together where they’ll all dress up smart, so maybe she’ll do that - and your contribution will help to make it a nice night one way or the other.

ToughLoveLDN · 18/07/2021 21:39

@chocolatesaltyballs22

Nails don't cost £50, you've been had! But yeah, I wouldn't have given her the money til just before. Of course she looked sheepish, she's spent it on something else.

Not true. I’m in London. If I get just extensions (apres x not acrylic) it’s £70. Then design on top I can spend well over £100

chesirecat99 · 18/07/2021 21:53

I think you are a little unreasonable.

Prom is a "reward" for having worked hard for your exams and celebrating moving on to the next stage of your life. Did you give her the £50 to get her nails done for prom as a treat after her GCSEs (or the assessments, at least) and in recognition that she has left school and has reached a milestone or just because she was going to a party? It seems like a bit of a double whammy - she doesn't get a party, therefore she doesn't get any gifts through no fault of her own. If you had spent £50 on a pair of shoes for prom, which can be worn to other parties, would you expect her to offer them back? Would you have cared if she decided to spend the money on getting her hair done for prom instead of her nails?

It would have been polite to offer the money back but I wouldn't expect a 16 year old to necessarily think of it until you mentioned it, especially as it is a bit of a grey area. She's probably never been given a gift that comes with a caveat before. If it was a gift to buy something for prom given because she has been working hard or for reaching a milestone, those things are still true so it seems a bit mean to take the gift back. At least, I would understand why it didn't occur to her that it might be the right thing to offer it back. If her gran gave her £20 pocket money to spend on holiday but the holiday was cancelled, no one would expect her to hand the money back.

It's not like you gave her money for an essential. You gave her money for a treat. I can see why she might have interpreted it as a gift and didn't think of it as being conditional, or more likely, didn't even think about it at all until now.

Ginger1982 · 18/07/2021 21:56

Ooft, I'd be getting her to pay it back. Your DH is just enabling her.

chesirecat99 · 18/07/2021 21:58

I don’t have £50 to just hand out for treats. I gave it for a reason for a one off event.

Leaving school or passing exams are one off events too though and a better justification for a £50 treat than a prom. It depends whether you see it as gift for prom or a gift for leaving school/finishing exams, the whole reason for prom.

Ideasplease322 · 18/07/2021 22:10

I am the opposite you to OP. I would not have given £50 for fake nails, I would have given £50 for the academic achievement and for finishing the year/working hard for exams etc.

I would be delighted that the money hadn’t been spent on nails. I hate this prom, fake tan, nonsense.

If the girl wanted to spend the money I fake nails then That would be her decision. But I’m not sure why giving money for fake nails for a prom is okay, but giving a treat for finishing school isn’t?

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