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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step daughter … and my money. AIBU

119 replies

bto35 · 18/07/2021 17:41

Hi I will try to keep this sweet and short

My step daughters prom was coming up and she was wanting to look her best, the usual new dress and so on. Her mum works hard and doesn’t have a lot of spare cash, and we work hard too. The parents came to agreement on her clothes and shoes and so on and me wanting to do something kind and help her a little offered to pay for her nails she wanted doing. This cost £50

I handed the cash over a month ago and today I asked if she was excited for it coming ( supposed to be next week ) and she tells me oh it’s cancelled we won’t be having one …

She looked a little uncomfortable and I’m thinking it’s because I handed her £50 for her nails but there is no prom.

I’m not rolling in the cash but I was happy to do this for her prom for her. I wouldn’t dream to expect it back

But I can’t help wonder if she should have told me the prom is off , do you want it back ? After all there is no occasion for her nails to be done for now

Or am I being a cow to even think it

OP posts:
ineedsun · 18/07/2021 18:57

I’d have just said that’s a shame, are you still going to have your nails done as a nice treat?

Babyroobs · 18/07/2021 18:58

Can't believe nails would cost £50 !"!

MissMissTorrance · 18/07/2021 19:00

It was very kind of you and at her age she absolutely knew she should have offered you the money back.
Id not mention the money again but I'd definitely be less likely to treat her in the future and tbh it would cloud my view of her.
( My DD is 10 and would have offered the money back)

Uramaki · 18/07/2021 19:03

That's good of him. 16 is still young to have self restraint when it comes to money for some people.

IsThePopeCatholic · 18/07/2021 19:03

Proms: urgh!

Happyd · 18/07/2021 19:04

At the end of the day a poem
Is to celebrate leaving school.. which your DSD has done .. tell her I hope you still have your nails done .. yes she should of offered the money back but she's a teenager . But you did it out of love , so stay with that

Happyd · 18/07/2021 19:05

*prom

ajandjjmum · 18/07/2021 19:06

It's a pity that when she told you, you didn't respond spontaneously 'what a shame - tell you what, keep the £50 I gave you and treat yourself to something nice', which to my mind would have been a good way of making the point that she should have offered to return it, without making it awkward.

It was really kind of you to give it - although the nails should have been amazing for that amount!

roguetomato · 18/07/2021 19:07

I think she should have offered it back, but she's only 16, someone needed to guide her in the first place. Maybe her dad should have a word with her.

Brakebackcyclebot · 18/07/2021 19:09

I can't believe the people saying a 16 year old wouldn't know to offer the money back if the prom was off and nails cancelled Shock. Seriously?

Chloemol · 18/07/2021 19:13

I would ask for the money back. It was given for a purpose that did not happen and at 16 she is old enough to understand money is not readily available, and it needs to come back

Brakebackcyclebot · 18/07/2021 19:15

I also don't see why your DH is apologising or paying you back. She should apologise and pay you back herself! He didn't spend the money, she did.

Although I agree never give a teenager £50 for something a month before they need the funds! Either give on the day or pay the salon.

MeridianB · 18/07/2021 19:18

I’m also shocked that some people think a 16yo wouldn’t know that giving/offering the money back was the right thing to do.

I think £50 is a lot of money to give to someone - it’s really not amount to be blasé about, especially if you’re 16.

Really glad your DH has recognised this, although I wouldn’t expect the money to be repaid. And from your approach to the whole thing you sound like a lovely Step Mum.

SeaShoreGalore · 18/07/2021 19:19

I would see it as her having low key kind of stolen the money.

Feedingthebirds1 · 18/07/2021 19:23

How long ago did she find out the prom was off? Was it before or after she spent the £50 on other things?

ClearButtons · 18/07/2021 19:26

As someone who was once 16, i doubt all that £50 would have gone on the nails (more like most of it on sneaky drinks!) and probably had already spent it so she's probably not mentioned it hoping you'd forget! But yes, you are right to be miffed that she didn't offer it back. I'd take her uncomfortableness as a sign of guilt that she doesn't have it to pay it back - so sounds like she knows she's done something wrong at least

CruellaDaVille · 18/07/2021 19:26

It was a monetary gift for a specific purpose, it has not been used for that purpose and she should have given it back.
Whether you would have accepted it is not relevant - she does not know that.
I think it is quite deceitful.

Bowlofcereal · 18/07/2021 19:28

I don't think she would know to offer it back at that age. Lots of families are very awkward about money but only you know if that's the case here. I would still give it to her. It's sad enough that her prom has been cancelled. I'd be happy for her to still get her nails done or something else to cheer her up.

Kanaloa · 18/07/2021 19:30

It was lovely of you to pay for her nails for her, she’ll remember that in future.

Really if I was her mum and she told me prom was cancelled, I would have prompted her to offer the money back/let you know it was cancelled. Although she should know, sometimes parents need to tell teens these things/remind them.

RandomCatGenerator · 18/07/2021 19:32

You sound lovely OP :)

Kanaloa · 18/07/2021 19:32

Also, it’s possible she thought it would be okay to keep the money and still get her nails done as intended although the prom was off? I don’t think it was malicious and definitely wouldn’t see it as stealing, more awkwardness/lack of etiquette that her mum or dad could have pointed out to her.

RandomCatGenerator · 18/07/2021 19:33

…the above is not sarcasm you sound like a genuinely really nice step mum

ancientgran · 18/07/2021 19:40

I'd ask what she'd like to do with it, you wanted to make her happy, she's probably disappointed that the prom isn't happening so I wouldn't want to add to that. I suppose it depends how much of a struggle the £50 is for you but you'd written it off anyway.

She should have told you so I don't think you're a cow but she's a 16 year old whose missed out alot this year so I'd let it go.

Datsandcogs · 18/07/2021 19:40

Yes she should have told you.

If you were feeling kind, as you were when you gave her the money, then I wouldn’t expect the money back, but I would expect the curtesy of being to,d it was cancelled.

I would leave it with her having the money but I wouldn’t chip in if there’s another next year or the next big event that she wants funding for.

XingMing · 18/07/2021 19:40

Really.. stolen the money @SeaShoreGalore? ... That's harsh. H
ave you no experience of teenagers? Give money to teenagers without strings... you will never get given it back. They always 'need' money.