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AIBU?

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Original poster

Step daughter … and my money. AIBU

119 replies

bto35 · 18/07/2021 17:41

Hi I will try to keep this sweet and short

My step daughters prom was coming up and she was wanting to look her best, the usual new dress and so on. Her mum works hard and doesn’t have a lot of spare cash, and we work hard too. The parents came to agreement on her clothes and shoes and so on and me wanting to do something kind and help her a little offered to pay for her nails she wanted doing. This cost £50

I handed the cash over a month ago and today I asked if she was excited for it coming ( supposed to be next week ) and she tells me oh it’s cancelled we won’t be having one …

She looked a little uncomfortable and I’m thinking it’s because I handed her £50 for her nails but there is no prom.

I’m not rolling in the cash but I was happy to do this for her prom for her. I wouldn’t dream to expect it back

But I can’t help wonder if she should have told me the prom is off , do you want it back ? After all there is no occasion for her nails to be done for now

Or am I being a cow to even think it

OP posts:
SpeckledyHen · 18/07/2021 19:41

You sound lovely OP . But £50 for a child to get her nails done!?
The world is going mad .

hahahayoumustbejoking · 18/07/2021 19:41

Please don't turn this into an issue. I'd let it go for my own DD so would also for DSD. Does it matter as the money was already gone from you.

When you give, it's gone. Don't add conditions.

£50 was given as a treat so let her treat herself.

XingMing · 18/07/2021 19:42

Like DatsandCogs, I wouldn't be chipping in a second time.

ancientgran · 18/07/2021 19:44

I wouldn't expect my husband to pay me back in those circumstances. You gave her a present, you got the feel good for doing a nice thing, presumably she thanked you for it. Not sure why he should now pay.

Teaandjam · 18/07/2021 19:44

She needs to give you the money back. Is she always so selfish?

hahahayoumustbejoking · 18/07/2021 19:45

@bto35

My husband has just apologised on her behalf. He said he only found out two days ago and he’s refunding me . Next time I won’t pay in advance and wait for said purchase . Lesson learned ! X

So divisive over £50. It will cost more in the long run.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/07/2021 19:47

@SpeckledyHen

You sound lovely OP . But £50 for a child to get her nails done!? The world is going mad .
My dd is 13. A lot of the girls are getting their nails done this summer. Not £50. More like £30 / 35. It’s a treat and if they’d rather have that than something else, their choice.

However in this situation, she should have got nails done or returned the cash.

notsohippychick · 18/07/2021 19:48

I would definitely mention it. Something like “I’m not asking for the money back now not ans I angry but as it was cancelled it would have been polite to at least offer some of it back considering you didn’t get your nails done….”

People saying it’s a non issue is bonkers. It’s £50 and she spent it on something it wasn’t intended for. It’s not ok!

prsphne · 18/07/2021 19:50

@chocolatesaltyballs22

Nails don't cost £50, you've been had! But yeah, I wouldn't have given her the money til just before. Of course she looked sheepish, she's spent it on something else.
I pay £45 up north for french acrylic extensions (on the rare occasion I get them done). £50 isn’t a reach from that…
LivingDeadGirlUK · 18/07/2021 19:51

@ajandjjmum

It's a pity that when she told you, you didn't respond spontaneously 'what a shame - tell you what, keep the £50 I gave you and treat yourself to something nice', which to my mind would have been a good way of making the point that she should have offered to return it, without making it awkward.

It was really kind of you to give it - although the nails should have been amazing for that amount!

I agree with this, you gave her £50 quid for a treat, the event was canceled but surely you would still like her to have the treat? She should have offered it back as good etiquette, but I'm a strong believer that gifting cash is gifting cash, if you want them to spend it on a specific thing the you need to pay for that directly.
Carrotca · 18/07/2021 19:52

Yes she probably should of given it back but obviously didn't know it was the right thing to do. Kind you have given her the money. Enough shit has happened in the last 18 months, so bet she was really disappointed it has been cancelled. So I personally wouldn't say anything more about it, especially if she is usually so well mannered. X

Onesipmore · 18/07/2021 19:53

A couple of things. £50 for nails is huge - even in London. Great your dh has offered to repay you. However Im wondering what she's spent the 50 on. I would be inclined to ask if Prom is being rearranged and tell her you look forward to seeing her nails at the new event!

notacooldad · 18/07/2021 19:53

I’m also shocked that some people think a 16yo wouldn’t know that giving/offering the money back was the right thing to do. Well guess, what, young people don't always get things right!
Maybe she did know but hoped she could get away with it.
Everyone who is shocked and outraged and everything in between is looking at it from an adult perspective with life expierence.
This young person is 16 and isn't going to get everything right all the time.
Blimey sometimes I think some MN wouldn't be happy unless someone is publicaly shamed in cases like this.
I know at 16 I tried to get away with things and also I was corrected and mum and dad didn't let me get away with much but didn't humiliate me either. They just let me know I was in the wrong, they knew what I had done and often I had to correct my error.
OP you sound so nice.

ShortBacknSides · 18/07/2021 19:54

£50 to a 16 year old to have her nails done!! Gosh.

And then she’s obviously pocketed the dish. Her father needs to have a word with her.

And in future basically you need to organise such things so you go along with her and settle the bill at the time.

HTH1 · 18/07/2021 19:56

She didn’t need the money to book an appointment! In future, just go along and pay or give the money just beforehand.

Anyway, it’s not a big deal and I would leave it.

Notashandyta · 18/07/2021 19:57

Seems harsh to me.

Sure she's disappointed it's off, you meant the cash for her to enjoy her prom but surely she's in need of cheering up even more the way things are for youngsters.

I expect she really didn't want to give it back, understandably, so didn't mention it.

You gave her the money, end of really.

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 18/07/2021 19:58

I agree with @notacooldad. Shes 16 and needs guidance on these sorts of social etiquette situations. She's had a rubbish year too. Don't judge her on how you wod expect an adult to react in this situation. She's a teenager and she's still learning. You could ask her for the money back if you want but I think it will sour your relationship. Talk to her about how you would expect her to act but I would let her keep it as a one off.

thecatsmum12346 · 18/07/2021 20:00

I think you should have a word with her. She needs to understand that her behaviour is not acceptable. If the money is gone get her to pay it off by doing housework etc. Otherwise she might go through life borrowing money off friends etc. And never retiring it.

pigsDOfly · 18/07/2021 20:01

@SpeckledyHen

You sound lovely OP . But £50 for a child to get her nails done!? The world is going mad .
Yep!
Motherofking · 18/07/2021 20:01

yh she is old enough. she should have given it back

Feedingthebirds1 · 18/07/2021 20:01

I agree with this, you gave her £50 quid for a treat, the event was canceled but surely you would still like her to have the treat?

That may be true, but it's for the OP to decide, not the DSD by spending it anyway. It's now a fait accompli, and the OP has to actually ask for it back unless she's going to let the girl get away with what is at best cheeky.

Canigooutyet · 18/07/2021 20:04

Casually mention just because the prom is cancelled you should have got your nails done, the money was more for your nails than the prom.

She was probably being awkward because the money has gone and she's panicking thinking you want it back.

She probably didn't think when suddenly she had a spare £50 to splurge.

Other than not passing on the update your dh has nothing to apologise for. I wouldn't even take the money back from him. But then I wouldn't have text him at work as it wasn't really important. I would have just said something about it being a shame that the prom was cancelled when he came home. It would have also settled it once and for all.

Animekisa · 18/07/2021 20:05

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Itgetsthehoseagain · 18/07/2021 20:06

Wow. I have a dd approaching that age and if I knew someone had gifted her £50 for something that then didn't get done, that £50 would be hot-footing it right back to the benefactor. I'f be hoping, of course, that the benefactor would say, "No, no, of course - you keep it", but to just keep it is very, very off. The poor girl needs to be taught this before she goes on to be the sort of adult that nobody really likes. Awkward, because it can't really come from you, and the you'll get blamed for trying to parent her.

CrystalBollocks · 18/07/2021 20:07

Oh dear, OP. Yes, this is teenagers for you!

I learnt many years ago never, ever to advance money for anything, as you will never see it again. But you are very kind to have done it.