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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step daughter … and my money. AIBU

119 replies

bto35 · 18/07/2021 17:41

Hi I will try to keep this sweet and short

My step daughters prom was coming up and she was wanting to look her best, the usual new dress and so on. Her mum works hard and doesn’t have a lot of spare cash, and we work hard too. The parents came to agreement on her clothes and shoes and so on and me wanting to do something kind and help her a little offered to pay for her nails she wanted doing. This cost £50

I handed the cash over a month ago and today I asked if she was excited for it coming ( supposed to be next week ) and she tells me oh it’s cancelled we won’t be having one …

She looked a little uncomfortable and I’m thinking it’s because I handed her £50 for her nails but there is no prom.

I’m not rolling in the cash but I was happy to do this for her prom for her. I wouldn’t dream to expect it back

But I can’t help wonder if she should have told me the prom is off , do you want it back ? After all there is no occasion for her nails to be done for now

Or am I being a cow to even think it

OP posts:
NewYearmorestress · 18/07/2021 18:16

@notacooldad

Nails don't cost £50, you've been had! Theres not much change from 50 quid where I live! In your shoes I'd be a bit annoyed but still let her have the money. I would say something along the lines of ' I dont mind you keeping the money I gave you for your nails. It would have been polite to offer it me back, that's what people normally do if things get cancelled. I know it's been a rubbish year so it's a treat for you. '
Why would a 16 year old need to be told it would be polite to offer the money back? My primary age DC know that you would offer the money back for something if it didn't go ahead and if they were lucky would be told to keep it.
MythsandSparkles · 18/07/2021 18:17

Agreed there’s not much change from £50 for extensions and nail art round here - I paired £42 last summer for ombré acrylic extensions and I can only imagine it’s gone up!

I don’t know that I’d expect it back but I would expect to be asked about it - could she have looked uncomfortable because she would have expected her dad to have told you prom was cancelled?

I mean a prom is a pretty big thing for school finishers so I don’t think it would be unreasonable of her to have expected her dad to have filled you in that it was no longer happening.

quizqueen · 18/07/2021 18:17

You should have waited and paid for the nails direct to the salon. Also, anyone who thinks spending £50 for fake nails is reasonable is a fool. They are as tarty as fuck. You should ask her for the money back but she should have offered it to you anyway so she's sneaky.

Georgyporky · 18/07/2021 18:18

I'd let it go for now, but next birthday/Xmas tell her she had her present on x date.

notacooldad · 18/07/2021 18:19

Why would a 16 year old need to be told it would be polite to offer the money back?
Why do you think?
She hasn't offered it back that's why.

Youdiditanyway · 18/07/2021 18:19

I’d chalk it up to experience personally. You should have given her the money the day she went to get them done rather than a month before. She’s 16, I don’t think many 16 year old’s are good at money management and it probably got spent on crap.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 18/07/2021 18:20

Yes she should have offered it back.
But you love her and wanted to treat her, which is lovely. In your shoes I'd say it's a shame it's been cancelled, you must be very disappointed. You don't have to give me the £50 back, buy yourself a little treat instead.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/07/2021 18:24

You need to tell your husband to teach his child proper manners. She definitely should have offered to return the money.

Mamanyt · 18/07/2021 18:25

Perhaps in the future, you could tell her, "Oh, I want to pay to have X done. Let me know when you book it, and I'll see that the shop is paid before you go." I've found that very handy.

cheeseismydownfall · 18/07/2021 18:26

I agree with the PPs who have said that a teen would probably need help with etiquette in this situation (e.g. you offer to return the money, and would probably be told to keep it - but that the important thing is to offer).

I think your DH should have had a quiet word with her.

Obviously this being mumsnet though there be posters along claiming that their toddlers would have know that the correct thing to do would be to instantly return the money (along with a thank you card no doubt).

Uramaki · 18/07/2021 18:26

I would have said something like ah so you won't be wanting your nails done? Never mind keep the £50 and get something nice.

That way she knows she should have offered it back and can save face if she's blown it all on helping her mum with bills/drugs/mcdonalds/shoes whatever.

Unless you need it back I'd let it go this time as long as it's clear to her she should have offered it back.

QueenBee52 · 18/07/2021 18:28

@ketchupman

rule no 1, you never gift teenagers cash for an intended purchase.

what does this even mean ?

notacooldad · 18/07/2021 18:31

I'd let it go for now, but next birthday/Xmas tell her she had her present on x date.
I really hope the OP doesn't do this.
Actually she sounds lovely so I'm guessing she wont.

Blossomtoes · 18/07/2021 18:32

@Uramaki

I would have said something like ah so you won't be wanting your nails done? Never mind keep the £50 and get something nice.

That way she knows she should have offered it back and can save face if she's blown it all on helping her mum with bills/drugs/mcdonalds/shoes whatever.

Unless you need it back I'd let it go this time as long as it's clear to her she should have offered it back.

Perfect solution.
Original poster
bto35 · 18/07/2021 18:35

She is well mannered, I think that’s why she was squirming when she said it’s not on anymore … I’m sure the money has long been spent . I posted here because I did wonder if I am being a cow to expect it back or offered back ? Seems clear it’s not unreasonable, in this situation I’m going to ask her dad to pay me back rather than make her more uncomfortable

OP posts:
Uramaki · 18/07/2021 18:36

That seeks fair enough to me.

Ozberry · 18/07/2021 18:42

I think you’re right asking her dad to sort this. She’s squirming, because she took it as a gift and when prom was cancelled used it for something else I imagine.
Personally I’d let it go, but I’m soft like that.

rosalindwi · 18/07/2021 18:44

I'd probably take the opinion that the prom is cancelled which is disappointing so tell her to spend it on something else nice

Ideasplease322 · 18/07/2021 18:45

In this case I would have said oh well, I am happy for you to use the money to treat yourself to something else, seeing you aren’t having your prom.

I wonder what the exact etiquette is in this. The money was a gift, so by strict etiquette rules it’s hers.

Yes, she should have contacted you to say the prom isn’t happening, but she is a teen. It’s a tricky on for a teen. Her parents should have guided her.

In your shoes I wouldn’t have expected the money back, but I would been a little hurt that she didn’t tell me 5e formal isn’t happening.

spinningspaniels · 18/07/2021 18:50

I think you've just learned an expensive lesson here, OP.

Teenagers and money aren't the best combination.

Next time, never hand money over up front. Pay direct or using a voucher.

SnarkyBag · 18/07/2021 18:51

Poor show from her mum and dad not to at least offer you the money back if they haven’t got any manners on the matter I’m not surprised she hasn’t either.

SnarkyBag · 18/07/2021 18:54

Although to be honest if she’d offered the money I’d have probably said keep it for something nice as she’s missing out on prom or offered to use it to take her for lunch.

When DS’s proper prom was cancelled and was change to an outside disco on the school field he offered to return his suit and buy a cheaper outfit so I think at 16 they are capable of appreciating the value of money (I didn’t return the suit but it was nice that he at least thought to offer)

SchadenfreudePersonified · 18/07/2021 18:54

@Uramaki

Yes £50 is a lot she should have offered it to you back. Even if you then said to her to keep it and treat herself.
This ^^^

The money was given for a specific purpose, and that's what it should have been used for.

If you said "Here's 50 quid - treat yourself!" it would be different. But she wanted fancy nails, and you said :Here's 50 quid for your nails"

I'd ask for it back, just on principle (well - I wouldn't, but I'd be annoyed)

Original poster
bto35 · 18/07/2021 18:55

My husband has just apologised on her behalf. He said he only found out two days ago and he’s refunding me . Next time I won’t pay in advance and wait for said purchase . Lesson learned ! X

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 18/07/2021 18:56

Of course you should ask for it back. Do you want her to be a responsible adult? Then she needs to find out that she can't just pocket £50 that was meant for a specific purpose and that none of the adults around her will mention it.