Aibu to ban Sil from bringing drugs into my house when she comes to stay

[susiegrapevine]

Long story short. Sil is coming with her 2 children to stay with us whilst she finds somewhere to live near us so we can support her and the kids. She has a drug habit mostly weed I think and I was trying to lay out some ground rules with him one of them being no drugs in the house while she is here - which will hopefully be no more than a month. Dh thinks it's unreasonable to expect this and she can't just go cold turkey. She has lots of mental health problems and currently lives with Mil who basically looks after the kids as she stays in bed all day and only gets up when she can be bothered and goes out to the shed to smoke weed. Anyway aibu?

You'd be crazy to have her stay.

This has disaster written all over it. Do you have children of your own?

Have you got children yourself?
I’m afraid I’d be resisting her staying at all from your description. Is your DH happy to be looking after her children and picking up after her like his mum has had to? Does he have a job to do?
It sounds like a disaster.

Why is she homeless?

Honestly? How sure are you that they will move after a month? How can you be sure that you and your DH won't end up as caretakers like your MIL? Is it too late to say no, she can't come at all? This seems like a very complex situation where an awful lot of things could go wrong. Obviously your heart is in the right place and it was very kind of you to offer, but I'm not sure you've thought through what the implications are.

How long is she staying for? I’d be concerned that it sounds kind of open ended at the moment?

YANBU about the drugs.

I personally don’t have an issue with weed and do smoke a bit here and there. However, I’d never insist that I was allowed to smoke in someone else’s house or on their property if they didn’t want it. Your home, your rules. But I don’t have a dependency either on it - pure recreation/tuning out after a hard week at work and I can go without, I see how that’s more difficult for someone who smokes it habitually as it might not be addictive like a lot of other drugs but it’s still habit forming. I don’t think you’re BU at all. The only thing I guess you could do is insist she smokes away from the house if she absolutely has to. But also fine to rescind the offer to stay if she won’t compromise.

She has a drug habit mostly weed I think and I was trying to lay out some ground rules with him one of them being no drugs in the house while she is here - which will hopefully be no more than a month. Dh thinks it's unreasonable to expect this and she can't just go cold turkey.

Your DH is absolutely right.

Yes sorry I do have 2 children of my own. Well dh originally put it they were coming for a holiday then it transpires no they are moving here and wanna stay with us till they find somewhere. Sorry to drip feed but niece stayed here last March through the lock down as we didn't want her staying with sil. My nephew stayed with her partners family (as partner is just as useless as she is). Social services have been less than useless. Mil wants her out so she can sort the house (Mil is a massive hoarder but that's whole other story) and sell it to Also move here. They have no particular ties to the town they live anymore and mil is approaching retirement

Wh would you agree to this then put an impossible condition on it? She’s an addict she can’t go cold Turkey. You know this, you may as well put a condition on saying well I know I agreed but now I’ve decided you can only come if you grow wings and fly.

If you didn’t wish her there you should have said no.

Does your DH have any experience in supporting people with MH problems, or addiction?
I know he means well but its more likely he's just going to end up enabling your SIL, and put a massive strain on your relationship.

If she can't go cold turkey then she is on more than weed isn't she?
You will never get rid of her especially if DH is aiding and abetting her.
Do not allow her in the house.

If she can't go cold turkey then she is on more than weed isn't she?

Not necessarily.

YANBU for not wanting drugs in your house but YABU to insist that an addict goes cold turkey.

You'd be better off if you and your husband say you're not in a position to have her move in for an indefinite period of time.

Is the partner coming too? Who will look after the kids ?

Nope wouldn’t be happening. Your mil will just have to manage clearing the house and moving with your sil help

OP, from reading your update, I really think you should change your mind. Your DH hasn't even been totally honest here, so I do can't see any good outcomes here.

No her partner isn't coming he doesn't even know as she wants rid as they have a toxic relationship but she can't say no to him. I didn't agree per say I thought I agreed to her having a holiday and it kind of evolved into this. Also I don't disagree with weed per say I have done a bit in my time I disagree with it in front of the children.

This is insanity!
Never mind banning drugs. You are not in a position to do this. You must put your children first. I might offer to have the children from time to time to help out, poor things, as long as your DH can care for them without risking any job he has, but she can’t move in.

Why are you countenancing this?

How is she envisaging moving on? What is her plan? She is extremely unlikely to get any help from the council as her local connection is with another area and it is hard to find anywhere on benefits. Does she even have a deposit? You could find that you are stuck with her living with you for at least the next six months or much longer. Thankfully as her mum has asked her to leave there should not be an issue over being intentionally homeless.

If she is using drugs and neglecting her own kids that could have a massive impact on yours plus you will end up having to care for them no doubt.

Sorry but it seems to have disaster written all over it.

Your SIL will bring drugs regardless.

Your DH is being unreasonable - this sounds like a complete clusterfuck about to happen.

Leave her at your MILs - your DH's and your MIL's enabling of SIL's self destructive and neglectful behaviour will not help her out.

Can you take her children and leave her there?

I’m also not sure how she is planning to move on? And within a month?

No, no, no! You can't possibly have her come to stay. She'll never leave. Tell your MIL to make her leave so that she can go to the council for support. You will never get rid of her if she comes to stay with you. And if you have children and she has children, how on earth will everyone fit into the house, especially if she's asleep all day!

That wasn’t cool for your partner to lie and say it was a holiday when they’re moving into the area.
This doesn’t sound a good arrangement. It’s tough enough just now trying to find a decent property. Someone with MH issues,who spends a lot of time in bed and smokes weed isn’t going to be proactive. They could be at your place for months.

I would not invite a drug using addict with mental health issues into my home, with my children in it.

I do not care who they are. It's a no.

I'm not a rehab centre, a counsellor or professional trained and qualified. It's unreasonable to expect you to have her to stay, imho.

She stays in bed while someone else watches her kids and is a stoner and you think what is going to happen when she comes to you?

Off.your.rockers I swear.