Aibu to ban Sil from bringing drugs into my house when she comes to stay

[susiegrapevine]

Long story short. Sil is coming with her 2 children to stay with us whilst she finds somewhere to live near us so we can support her and the kids. She has a drug habit mostly weed I think and I was trying to lay out some ground rules with him one of them being no drugs in the house while she is here - which will hopefully be no more than a month. Dh thinks it's unreasonable to expect this and she can't just go cold turkey. She has lots of mental health problems and currently lives with Mil who basically looks after the kids as she stays in bed all day and only gets up when she can be bothered and goes out to the shed to smoke weed. Anyway aibu?

My SIL is addicted to weed too and there’s no way she’d ever stay here, DH wouldn’t allow it and neither would I. She’s also pretty loopy but an addict can’t leave the addiction behind to make someone else happy so it’s unlikely your SIL won’t smoke it- she’ll just hide it.

My house, my rules. No one to stay that I don't want, no drugs. Definitely no drugs. Obviously!

Could you compromise with taking in the kids? You obviously have a relationship with your niece. But otherwise no. I personally could cope with someone having a spliff before bed once the kids are in bed but your situation isn’t this.

What would happen to your sil and her family if you refuse to let her smoke in your house or refuse to have them at all?

It sounds a really difficult situation. I would think of her kids and the best thing for them. Maybe it could be a very good thing knowing that there are people who will help them. Or a very bad situation they could end up in. It is obviously not up to you to sort out things, but knowing that there are people who care about them could make a difference to an already fucked up life.

In your situation, i would say no the drugs. End of story. But I recognise that sil will probably want to smoke. So she goes down the park, on the local farmland, up a tree, down a rabbint hole, in the shed. But not in your home in front of hers or your kids.

Lay down ground rules. It is a shit situation, but unfortuately you have a choice of being unempathic or being engaged. Good luck.

It sounds like you are being set up to provide ongoing care for your SIL and her kids. Probably forever.

I have experience of family coming for a holiday and just never leaving. It was ugly and there is lasting bitterness 20 years later. Don't do this- your in-laws deal with her addiction problems by removing all of the consequences of her addiction. This is totally understandable from the POV of taking care of the kids, but the message she is getting is that she can just please herself and everyone else is responsible for picking up the slack. Your husband seems to be okay with continuing that, but I wouldn't be.

Has she made any effort to stop? If not (and maybe even if she has) the future looks pretty grim for you if she moves in. I don't believe she will leave, and this may well cost you your relationship.

I think you need to kick up a massive stink about this. There will be fallout in terms of your relationship, but that's nothing to the long-term consequences of letting your SIL and her kids move in. I might be okay with having the kids live with me, but definitely not their mother!

How on earth will a woman who lies in bed all day and can’t look after her own kids find a place to live? With what references? Money?

You absolutely should not be expected to allow drugs in your house. If she ‘can’t be expected to go cold turkey’ then that’s her problem and your house isn’t the right place for her.

She would be FAR better declaring herself homeless as MIL is chucking her out, and throwing herself in the mercy of the council.

Because in the end, when having her in your house has pushed you to the edge of your patience and disturbed your own kids’ school
Holidays that is what you will have to do. Evict her and let the council pick up the pieces.

Have the kids maybe. But her? Not in my house.

It's not the actual bringing in drugs to your house that's the problem though is it? It's the consequences of her behaviour because she uses the drugs, wherever she is actually taking/smoking them and having her under your roof and around your children.
And to anyone who says it's just a bit of weed then they're wrong, it's so much more of an issue than that.
Put your foot down now op before this escalates, listen to your instincts.

FFS, put the wellbeing of your children first. It is insanity to allow her to stay with you. It will be a disaster and you'll never be rid of her.

This sounds disastrous. I would be not agreeing to this - or moving yourself and kids out while she stays and leave your DH to deal with her.

The most serious issue is there is no Exit Strategy.

There is no way she will be able to get a private rental.

Is your DH just feeling he needs to take her off your MIL’s hands?

And put her in yours?

It must be hard for him to see the state his Dsis is in, MIL’s distress etc, but the answer is not to put his own home and family at risk.

I would put my foot firmly down, but support him to look for other help. For e.g call the Shelter helpline for advice in her being evicted from MILs. Call SS and tell them DSIL and kids are homeless.

A hard no from me.

Are you and your DH interested in or in a position to be giving the kids a permanent home in the long term? Is that an option?

I’d be very concerned about how / where she’s going to get a regular supply. There is no way I’d have her in my house around my children.

You’d be crazy to let her stay.

She will bring drugs.
She will stay in bed all day in your home.
She won’t bother to look for accommodation.
You will have to look after her kids.
You will end up providing for/waiting on her/them.
She will bring dealers to your door.
She won’t get any social housing help because she has a home with you.

You’re going to have to be the bad cop here. You are not going back on the deal, because you were tricked into it in the first place.

Don’t do it. Just don’t. I’m sure your DH is worried about his sister, but your kids come first and then the niece and nephew.

How old are her children? I would be tempted (if you felt able to) to agree to have the children for a limited amount of time (a month) and say that him, his mum and sister have to work together to find a housing solution by then that isn’t your house.

How do you feel about his whole family moving close by for support? I think you need to be very clear with your husband as to how much support you are personally prepared to do, and make it clear that it’s his family and when he says “we’ll help” that he doesn’t mean “my wife will do all of the helping, I will just volunteer her”.

You should have the kids, or just your niece as in lockdown if you have no room for both.
SIL needs to do whatever she must to get a new place - get evicted by MIL, sleep at the bus station for a night, whatever it takes.
How old are the DCs? Will their dad's family take in the nephew again?

If SIL is staying in bed all day and unable to look after her children, I would make it quite clear to DH that any looking after to be done in your home is to be done by him. And that you will not be helping.

@gamerchick

She stays in bed while someone else watches her kids and is a stoner and you think what is going to happen when she comes to you?

Off.your.rockers I swear.

I agree. There is not a chance in hell I'd take a drug addict into my home. You are being very naive here and you need to rethink it.

you will be asking the same question in 6 months time i bet,

Don't do it op. You must see this going on for longer than a month? And your DC safety and wellbeing comes before hers. Stand very firm on this. She is drugged up at her mother's leaving her to take care of her dc, who do you think will be doing it at yours??
Not to mention, your dh has lied to you so that in itself is a big firm no. You will end up with a permanent family, marriage problems, dc issues, drug problems, and her mh issues. Can you really say that none of that will happen? She must stay put at her dm.

Your house your children you have the right to say no drugs . The whole thing sounds like a disaster waiting to happen .

NO way would this be happening

You know she'll lounge about in bed all day, you'll have to parent her children and like fuck will they be out in a month, right?
Weed will be the least of your problems

Good bloody luck. You're going to need it!

Realistically she has been enabled to be like this. Someone else has taken care of her kids and she has had a roof over her head, bills paid and food. If you take her In then the same will happen again and you will be left looking after the kids and financing her- which realistically means you are funding her drug habit.

I would be saying no

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

You know she'll lounge about in bed all day, you'll have to parent her children and like fuck will they be out in a month, right? Weed will be the least of your problems

Good bloody luck. You're going to need it!

Yup. This. It sounds like weed really is the symptom here and there’s a lot more going on underneath, you’ll be landed with a lot more work if she ends up staying with you.

She will continue to smoke, stay in bed and not look after the kids or look for work or somewhere to move to. Good luck if you let her stay.