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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to ban Sil from bringing drugs into my house when she comes to stay

101 replies

susiegrapevine · 18/07/2021 16:19

Long story short. Sil is coming with her 2 children to stay with us whilst she finds somewhere to live near us so we can support her and the kids. She has a drug habit mostly weed I think and I was trying to lay out some ground rules with him one of them being no drugs in the house while she is here - which will hopefully be no more than a month. Dh thinks it's unreasonable to expect this and she can't just go cold turkey. She has lots of mental health problems and currently lives with Mil who basically looks after the kids as she stays in bed all day and only gets up when she can be bothered and goes out to the shed to smoke weed. Anyway aibu?

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/07/2021 00:04

@Marcipex

You’d be crazy to let her stay.

She will bring drugs.
She will stay in bed all day in your home.
She won’t bother to look for accommodation.
You will have to look after her kids.
You will end up providing for/waiting on her/them.
She will bring dealers to your door.
She won’t get any social housing help because she has a home with you.

You’re going to have to be the bad cop here. You are not going back on the deal, because you were tricked into it in the first place.

Nothing to add to this except put your kids first. They should be your priority and you’ll have to take a stand to ensure they remain that way.

Saoirse82 · 19/07/2021 00:25

You can be mentally addicted to weed and it can seriously fuck up your mental health if you go cold turkey coming if you're a heavy user, to the point of being suicidal. You can't expect her to go cold turkey. So YABU about this as you've already agreed to let her stay. I'd have issues with some of the other behaviour though.

MumW · 19/07/2021 10:26

OP you have a DH problem if he tried to spring this on you!
^This
I wouldn't mind betting there was never a 'holiday' but DH knew you wouldn't agree to her moving in, even 'temporarily', so he's done it by stealth and tried to present you with a fait accompli.

She's a proven lazy, weed smoking, taker. Your DH needs to put a stop to this now.
He needs to put you and your children first. If he can't then, IMHO, it is a massive red flag and a deal breaker.
If he wants to support her over you then throw him out. He can get himself a place where he can be her childminder/housekeeper/slave.

newnortherner111 · 19/07/2021 10:31

100% no, and no drugs in the house. You can of course choose to say that you are perfectly OK with the drugs supply chain and the young men who are stabbed each year, but I would not do that.

WeDontLikeCricket · 19/07/2021 10:35

YABU to allow them to stay.

uktrippin · 19/07/2021 10:39

Prioritise your kids. Over my dead body would some layabout neglectful addict be coming to stay in my children's home.

No way.

onceivepostedidontcomeback · 19/07/2021 10:42

The drugs are the least of your worries. Once she's there you won't get rid of her.

LemonPeonies · 19/07/2021 10:44

It's not dangerous to suddenly stop smoking weed, you don't get physical symptoms ie. Seizures like with alcohol or other drugs. Weed is probably the cause of her mental health problems anyway, if it's only a small amount away from the children I don't see the issue but depends if she smokes so much she's incapable of looking after her children?

SmokeyDevil · 19/07/2021 10:57

I wouldn't let her or the kids stay to be honest. She can go to the council and tell them she is homeless, see what they can do for her. She is choosing drugs over her children, that's her mistake and her problem, not mine.

NeonDreams · 19/07/2021 11:02

Ok, you really have to cancel her coming and say NO. I don't think you will though. Your 'D'H invited her for a 'holiday' but intends for her to MOVE IN AND LIVE WITH YOU, and he lied to you and didn't tell you? Firstly your husband is a CFer who is dishonest and treating you like a mug. Secondly, having a drug addict live with you and your children is not a sensible thing, and could mean SS gets involved if they find out. You (and your husband) are causing unrest and instability for your DC by having this drug addict move in in with you. And take it from me, and from others, if she moves in, it will be at least a year before she moves out, if ever. You will NOT be able to get rid of her! Read this thread (sans issues about drugs) for an idea: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4292857-treated-like-a-maid-in-this-house-so-i-ve-booked-a-cleaner

You are being unreasonable to agree to have her in your home at all! Nip this in the bud right now! Say to your husband if she moves in, you and the DC are moving out. She is NOT coming, and that is fucking that. You are not being unreasonable about banning the drugs....

You ARE being unreasonable to allow her to move in, in the first place! Nip this in the bud, she will be able to find somewhere else to stay. This has train wreck all over it, and your own children will suffer instability and goodness knows what. Your husband obviously doesn't give a fuck about having a drug addict move in with you and the children, and not even tell you! So, you need to step up, put on your big woman of the house pants and protect your children and say no, she is not coming here at all.

NeonDreams · 19/07/2021 11:13

I also think you need to have a serious re-think about your marriage. Your DH seems to think he can make very serious and life-changing decisions for your household, yourself and your children without even consulting you! Even having her for a holiday for a month (wtf?!?? How far away would she live that she needs to stay with you for a whole month? On the opposite side of the world??) and he didn't even ask you, he told you. Now, he has invited her AND HER DRUGS, and mental health problems, into your household, risking the safety of you and your children, and he gave you no say? He just told you? He's a pos and I would be seriously telling him how disrespectful he is to unilaterally make decisions that can have serious consequences for your relationship, your household and your children without even so much as consulting you, let alone lying about moving her in (and it will be permanently, you will never rid of her once she's there, you know that, don't you?). He is treating you like shit and like you are not an equal, like your wishes don't count. Your children's safety, stability and wellbeing don't count. I'd be having a very serious discussion about his disrespect and lack of courtesy to you, and tell him your marriage is on shaky ground because of this so he changes and treats you like an equal, or gets out. No more lying and freezing you out of decision-making that affects you and your family.

billy1966 · 19/07/2021 11:30

@Marcipex
This.

Why would you bring such drama to your door and expose your children to this?

Your husband sounds very sneaky trying to impose this on your home.

Will he mind his sister's children or is that your job.

What a family OP.

There is no way I would have a weed addict in my home.

You are bringing NOTHING but drama to your door.

Viviennemary · 19/07/2021 11:32

Dont let her stay if she has a drug habit. Not safe. You need to think of your children.

LookItsMeAgain · 19/07/2021 11:36

You are not a halfway house for waifs and strays (even ones that are from your family).

Just say to your DH - if his sister comes, his wife goes. It's that simple and straightforward. He can pick.

That would be my way to deal with it.

titchy · 19/07/2021 11:37

I suspect you'll end up with the kids permanently. And her every so often when she comes down from a bender prob with her dp If that's something you and your dp have discussed and agreed between you, with social services support, then you're doing a great thing for those kids.

If that's not the case, and you're being railroaded into this, I'd be moving myself and my kids out for good. Do you have your own family you can move in with for a while?

Pinchoftums · 19/07/2021 11:39

I smoke dope a bit but think she is being very very unreasonable. No way would I smoke or take anything in someone else's space.

Whaddayahear · 19/07/2021 13:16

Don't do it. You'll never get rid of her.

Comefromaway · 19/07/2021 13:21

You can't make her go cold turnkey but equally you can't let someone bring drugs into your house where you have children.

To cut a long story short, she cannot stay.

Canigooutyet · 19/07/2021 13:31

I wouldn't have her stay simply because I would get pissed off with her sleeping all day and everyone running around after her and the kids.
I wouldn't have her because there is no exit strategy unless there's another family member she could move onto like what's happening now.
Weed, it would be made abundantly clear it's not to be smoked in the house or around the kids. If I can manage so can you, don't like it, stay elsewhere. It's also not to be left somewhere they can easily get hold of it either, same with legal meds.

LagunaBubbles · 19/07/2021 13:41

I'm loving the naivety of the people saying give her ground rules, like she would ever stick to them!

ChainJane · 19/07/2021 13:47

YABU, massively. This has disaster written all over it. Your choices:

Don't let her stay
Don't allow her to stay
Tell her to stay away

Any other outcome and you will regret it.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 19/07/2021 13:48

It's clearly an attempt to get onto the council list for the OP's area, IMO, just as the original invading the MIL's home was to get somewhere there (and has obviously failed).

Move in, claim that they're homeless and have a connection to the area - but the particular council only accepts people who have lived in the area for a certain period to be counted as having a connection, rather than having a relative in the area.

It used to be rent or stay at the relative's house for 6 months, then apply on the grounds that you're homeless and local, but councils got wise to that around 20 years ago - they'll tell her to present as homeless back in her previous area. And the previous area will say she has accommodation - yours - and to leave it would be making herself intentionally homeless.

But she won't, because she wants a house right now and near you for childcare and cash bailouts and she and your somewhat dim DH think you won't notice somebody moving in permanently in the meantime.

Some people still think this is the way to fast track a council property. It hasn't been for decades. Same as banging out another baby doesn't do it.

Whatonearth07957 · 19/07/2021 14:52

Don't let any of them move in. If they do you and the kids move out

PersonaNonGarter · 19/07/2021 15:13

How can you not see how much stress and hassle this will be, OP?

She will sponge food and childcare off you, and when eventually you say no, you will be the bad guy.

And this will all be played out in your own hole until you feel truly violated.

PersonaNonGarter · 19/07/2021 15:14

home not hole obviously

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