Napping at childminder…

[Katesboy8]

My 3yo has always slept badly. He’s hard to settle, wakes in the night and is an early riser! He still has a nap as eliminating that made it even worse. He goes to the childminder 3 days a week and I keep stressing he needs a good nap. He’s just been poorly and out of his routine, we have managed to get this routine back and I stressed to the childminder he needed a good nap on Thursday with her. She said she would make sure this happened before they went out for the afternoon. However, when I picked him up she said he slept in the car on the way back from their outing. She said he slept about 45 mins. Here he sleeps in his cot for about an hour and 15-30 mins. She has said before that he slept on the sofa because another child was in the upstairs cot and she didn’t want to put another cot up! I have said to her a few times (she’s a family friend too) he needs a proper nap as we then suffer! In a cot in a dark room as I don’t think the sofa is sufficient.

She doesn’t have her own children so I don’t think she knows the effect it has on us long term with lack of sleep! How do I tell her politely?! I feel like I’ve said it enough times and she’s also a family friend and knows we suffer with this lack of sleep. I just worry when he comes back after a few days with her he is over tired, grumpy and it ruins our weekend and I can only attribute it to that! AIBU to be annoyed by this?!

Honestly? Children sleep differently in different settings. You really can't specify exactly when, where and how long he sleeps - it's almost impossible for your CM to get spot on, even without the added complication of other children to look after.

If she has other children to care for it is hard to fully comply with all children’s routines.

Also it maybe more busy and tiring at the childminder hence why your child is grumpy

Yabu sorry. I sympathise with the lack of sleep but he will sleep differently at home than the childminders.

Childminding is a group childcare setting and the needs of all children have to be balanced. Not everything everyday is going to be exactly as you want. If it's that important then you need a nanny.

Well, if he needs the nap and this is really affecting you as a family when he gets home I think you need to be really firm with her and say that if she isn't able to give him time and space to nap you'll have to find alternative childcare.

I also have a non- sleeping 3yo, it's brutal. He's 4 in October and we are finally at a point where he will sleep til 7 with one brief wake up. If he napped in the day we would have absolutely no chance but I do understand they are all different! I was advised that any change in sleep routine eg cutting or reducing naps needs to be tried for 2 weeks before you see an effect. Have you tried this? Just wondering as I know that it can be hard to get 3 year Olds to take naps when there are other things going on because at that age they are fully aware they are perhaps missing out on things while they are napping!

Childminders are child centred, and will follow the child's lead on what they need at the time.

I guess my issue is he used to sleep in the cot at hers for an hour or more and now she’s changed it as she didn’t want to put two cots up so he’s having shorter naps in the wrong place!

You can not be as rigid when you have more than one child. So all the mindees need to stay in until you dc has had 1.5hours in a cot? And then what if the other mindee needs to sleep as yours gets up, they'd never leave the house.

Is 3 not quite old for a cot though?

I don’t think YABU about the cot thing - if the only issue is that she can’t be arsed to put up a second cot for your DC, that’s not good enough. How much he sleeps there, sadly, may just be a function of being in a different environment.

I wouldn't put a three year old in a travel cot, too ols and too heavy, it wouldn't be safe. My three year old mindees sleep on SIM camp beds or the sofa next to me.

I mean a travel cot thing I guess? She has one in one room upstairs and another in a seperate room she must have taken down. Judging by the replies I am being unreasonable to expect any form of routine. I do know how annoying it is to plan our day around him having one nap so must be hard for her with more than one. I just don’t know what to do about it. He then may go to nursery a few days a week too and I worry he will never nap!

Her not having children herself is completely irrelevant

I think a cot for a 3yo is a daft request. She’s clearly got younger kids who need it. At nursery they nap on floor mats from about 12-18months onwards. Perhaps a nanny in your own home would better suit you?

Sorry @katesboy8 but I agree with others, you cannot demand he follows the same routine at the childminder. He will not be the only child there and she has others to consider also. If you want such a structured routine for him then you will need to hire a nanny for him only.

At 3 a 90 minute was far too long for my dd, she needed 20-30 max or we would have hell on earth getting her to bed for 6-630, she also needed 12-14 hours sleep at night.

What is your bedtime routine like with him?

Not sure it is. She doesn’t see the implication of a poor day time routine because she doesn’t have a child to look after at night and after 4am! In my opinion it makes a difference.

I don’t necessarily mean a cot I mean a room for napping rather than the sofa in the noisy front room with the other kids or a short half an hour car nap!

She’s not there to make your life easy at night though. She’s there to balance the needs of all the children in her care during the daytime. Maybe she thinks your inability to get him to sleep better at night is impacting on her day?

@Terminallysleepdeprived

Sorry *@katesboy8* but I agree with others, you cannot demand he follows the same routine at the childminder. He will not be the only child there and she has others to consider also. If you want such a structured routine for him then you will need to hire a nanny for him only.

At 3 a 90 minute was far too long for my dd, she needed 20-30 max or we would have hell on earth getting her to bed for 6-630, she also needed 12-14 hours sleep at night.

What is your bedtime routine like with him?

The only structure I want is for the nap not to be on a noisy sofa or a thirty minute car nap! He’s down for 715 after a snack, bath and books in a dark room with a night light. Sometimes he settles but lately he’s taking 1.5 hours! He then wakes in the night some nights and majority of the time is up by 445am!

Yanbu, even if a child sleeps differently in a different location, at least give them the proper opportunity to nap in a bed, not in the car seat or on a sofa.
Does he settle readily
I don't know how you address it tbh if you've already emphasised it. Maybe ask very specifically that he naps every day at a certain time in a cot as you're trying to build a routine?

Maybe napping so much during the day isn’t working for him at this age then if he’s sleeping at night so badly?

I don't think you're being unreasonable, if she said I can't accommodate x time because of y then yes there needs to be some flexibility, but if its because she can't be arsed to put another travel cot up then that's lazy imo.

@Vetyveriohohoh

She’s not there to make your life easy at night though. She’s there to balance the needs of all the children in her care during the daytime. Maybe she thinks your inability to get him to sleep better at night is impacting on her day?

She gets paid to meet the needs of all the children and if he isn’t having sufficient naps surely that’s not ideal?

I can sympathise but once children start going to outside settings a lot of what happens is out of your control really.

You childminder has to balance the needs of multiple children, she can’t run the setting to suit the needs of just your child.

I suppose you have to ask yourself if you trust her with your child?

So you can't get him to sleep at night for long enough and cm can't get him to nap in the day for long enough... But she's the one at fault?