Napping at childminder…

[Katesboy8]

My 3yo has always slept badly. He’s hard to settle, wakes in the night and is an early riser! He still has a nap as eliminating that made it even worse. He goes to the childminder 3 days a week and I keep stressing he needs a good nap. He’s just been poorly and out of his routine, we have managed to get this routine back and I stressed to the childminder he needed a good nap on Thursday with her. She said she would make sure this happened before they went out for the afternoon. However, when I picked him up she said he slept in the car on the way back from their outing. She said he slept about 45 mins. Here he sleeps in his cot for about an hour and 15-30 mins. She has said before that he slept on the sofa because another child was in the upstairs cot and she didn’t want to put another cot up! I have said to her a few times (she’s a family friend too) he needs a proper nap as we then suffer! In a cot in a dark room as I don’t think the sofa is sufficient.

She doesn’t have her own children so I don’t think she knows the effect it has on us long term with lack of sleep! How do I tell her politely?! I feel like I’ve said it enough times and she’s also a family friend and knows we suffer with this lack of sleep. I just worry when he comes back after a few days with her he is over tired, grumpy and it ruins our weekend and I can only attribute it to that! AIBU to be annoyed by this?!

My dc never slept at nursery the way they did at home. Lucky if she had 1hr naps throughout the whole day in comparison to 3 hours at home. Children adjust. Just put them to bed a little earlier.

I think the childminder isn't the issue and sorry but your demands are totally unreasonable. It doesn't matter where he naps, as long as he has a nap.

But 715 in my opinion is too late for a 3 year old to be up. It sounds like he is over tired and gone past the point of sleep. That isn't about day time napping circumstances, that is from my experience about a poor evening and bedtime routine.

I think giving the chance for them to sleep ie a cot though is a minimum even if they won't sleep they have had the chance.

I said balance, not necessarily fully meet. If his need for long naps which are unusual at 3 are impacting on others then she needs to find compromise somewhere. What he’s getting would be totally sufficient for most 3year olds, many have no naps at all. The poor sleeping at your house is the real issue here.

Have you explicitly asked her if she can make a bed available? Or a floor mattress thing in a quiet room?

If she says no then look at nannies, this would be much worse at nursery

@Terminallysleepdeprived

I think the childminder isn't the issue and sorry but your demands are totally unreasonable. It doesn't matter where he naps, as long as he has a nap.

But 715 in my opinion is too late for a 3 year old to be up. It sounds like he is over tired and gone past the point of sleep. That isn't about day time napping circumstances, that is from my experience about a poor evening and bedtime routine.

Totally unreasonable? He sleeps for at least an hour in his room at home. He sleeps for half an hour at hers in a car seat or sofa and is always grumpy after those days and sleeps badly at night!

I think I’ll stop bothering to ask for advice as clearly I’m wrong for expecting someone we pay, to try and accommodate our child’s needs!

I think you need to be careful not to blame the CM here for all your frustrations. Many 3 year olds begin to drop their afternoon nap, and expecting him to still 'need' 1.5 hrs is a tad unreasonable IMO.

Children are constantly changing which is what makes it so difficult. Just when you got things cracked they move on and change!

Obviously you know your child best, no one would suggest otherwise... but in your shoes I'd be making bedtime later, and I'd be much firmer in the morning. He has his own clock, knows he can look at books, you stick him in front of cartoons with a snack etc etc.

So does he sleep well at night on the days he doesn’t go to the childminder?

The childminder is a group setting. The needs of all the children need to be balanced so it's not usually possible to specifically tailor the day around 1 child's exact sleep pattern.

For parents who want an exact routine for their child, then really a 1 to 1 nanny would be better. They cost more obviously but you can then expect to be able to make specific requests about sleep timing and location.

Age 3 is too old for a cot - especially if it's a travel cot. They are smaller, less strong and not particularly comfortable. The sofa or a mattress on the floor is fine. Have you offered to provide a sleep mattress as an alternative to the sofa?

I used to childmind (I'm currently taking a break from it because of all the Covid difficulties). I used to always arrange a busy morning but a quiet afternoon, until school run time. Most children need an afternoon nap so it is a little bit strange that she's arranging afternoon outings. Perhaps you could chat to her to see if there is scope for morning trips but less in the afternoon to give more scope for sleep.

Many children go to a pre school setting at 3, I doubt they would be able to accommodate an hour nap in a cot/bed

Although I see someone else is suggesting an earlier bedtime. Proof positive that you can't win!

My tolddler can nap for almost 2 hours on the sofa! He wakes up far sooner if he's in his cot.

If she’s looking after other children you can’t expect her to arrange everyone else’s day around your child.
If you had to go out when your child needed a nap, what would you do ? He’d have to make do with the sleep he got in the car/pram.
And sleeping on the couch is ok, mine often napped in funny places.
If you don’t like what she’s doing, you should move your child.

Well you should stop bothering since you came on here asking for advice but don't want to hear any of it?!

Then hire a nanny who only has to manage your child.

You are being utterly unreasonable, most posters have said so but in typical aibu style you are stamping your feet and refusing to see it.

There is no point asking for advise and then refusing to consider the advice you are given.

You got loads of advice OP, just not what you wanted to hear.

Bed at 7pm, waking at 4am, that’s 9hrs, maybe make bedtime a bit later?
My youngest is now 15, none of my 4DC ever napped in their cot beyond about 18mths. It really doesn’t matter whether it’s on the sofa or in the cot; he’s still asleep.
The CM cannot revolve her day around
1 child and his mothers demands.

At the age of 3 it's quite normal for children to drop naps and to nap inconsistently until completely dropping them.
I'm a childminder and honestly can tell you for every parent who wants a strict nap routine there's another parent who insists on no naps at all. I'm very child led and if a child wants to nap they nap if they refuse they don't.
It's a juggling act trying to meet the needs of the children and the wants of the parents.
Have you thought that about outside factors maybe waking your child like a neighbour going or coming from work ?

The childminder has many children to look after and will meet all of their needs as best they can. Compromise on your part is needed.

Aibu?
Yes
No I'm not!
😄

@KarmaStar

Aibu? Yes No I'm not! 😄

🤣 Depressingly familiar

Rather than obsessing on his nap/lack of, maybe just accept that he is tired and grumpy after a stimulating day with CM & other children? All rather normal for a 3 yr old no??

@KarmaStar

Aibu? Yes No I'm not! 😄

Especially when this is said in return clearly I’m wrong for expecting someone we pay, to try and accommodate our child’s needs! problem is op is paying for a group session not one on one. Op if you want it just so you need to pay for the privilege.

Why does he need to nap in a cot in a dark room

If he naps on the sofa or in the car what does it matter he is still napping

Agree you want such a tight routine around you ds then get a nanny

My child is just 3 and I know probably 30 three test olds pretty well. Literally only know one who still has an afternoon nap. Some might fall asleep in the car sometimes but none has a regular afternoon nap. Are you sure it's not causing the early morning wake ups? If mine sleeps in the car she will wake at 5.30 the next day rather than 6 or 6.30. I know it's really hard but it doesn't sound like the situation at the moment is really working anyway. Is it worth trying a new routine?

I run a group setting with 2-4 year olds. We are in one room. Parents get very stressed about naps. I had a poor sleeper myself so I do understand it.

In a nursery setting they often have a "nap time" that your child will need to fit into, they are magic people who can somehow wave their hands and all the children settle. I have no idea how they do it.

In our room we set up a quiet corner with mats and blankets, a story, pull the blinds down etc. Let me tell you now that getting a small child to nap when they know other children are having fun playing or running about outside is near impossible. Some parents get quite upset that their child either doesn't nap or has a shorter one than they would at home...I point out that it's like us...you sleep better in your own bed right?

Like @glitterelf we are very child led. If they want to sleep they do, if they refuse they dont. At the end of the day the children's needs are our priority not the needs of the parents.

I dont have a single 3 year old who naps any more to be honest but if I did they would be on a mat, a travel cot wouldn't be safe a lot of mine could easily tip it over if they had half a mind.