Napping at childminder…

[Katesboy8]

My 3yo has always slept badly. He’s hard to settle, wakes in the night and is an early riser! He still has a nap as eliminating that made it even worse. He goes to the childminder 3 days a week and I keep stressing he needs a good nap. He’s just been poorly and out of his routine, we have managed to get this routine back and I stressed to the childminder he needed a good nap on Thursday with her. She said she would make sure this happened before they went out for the afternoon. However, when I picked him up she said he slept in the car on the way back from their outing. She said he slept about 45 mins. Here he sleeps in his cot for about an hour and 15-30 mins. She has said before that he slept on the sofa because another child was in the upstairs cot and she didn’t want to put another cot up! I have said to her a few times (she’s a family friend too) he needs a proper nap as we then suffer! In a cot in a dark room as I don’t think the sofa is sufficient.

She doesn’t have her own children so I don’t think she knows the effect it has on us long term with lack of sleep! How do I tell her politely?! I feel like I’ve said it enough times and she’s also a family friend and knows we suffer with this lack of sleep. I just worry when he comes back after a few days with her he is over tired, grumpy and it ruins our weekend and I can only attribute it to that! AIBU to be annoyed by this?!

I worked as a Nursery Nurse and we had the opposite problem of parents not wanting their children to nap. They would be hard to settle at night we were told. However we were unable to keep them awake as many would drop off straight after a busy morning and hot lunch. We ended up with a notice re Naps on the Nursery Wall!

why is he having such long naps during the day if he does not sleep at night? By the time my son was 3 I was actively trying to stop him napping during the day to make sure he slept properly at night. Or am I missing the point?

@AcrobaticCardigan

I agree with PP that children nap differently in different settings. He should be put in a cot to nap though!! If there’s 2 babies who need to nap, she should have 2 cots ready.

He’s not a baby though.

@m00rfarm

why is he having such long naps during the day if he does not sleep at night? By the time my son was 3 I was actively trying to stop him napping during the day to make sure he slept properly at night. Or am I missing the point?

Absolutely same here. It drove me mad when nurseries let children sleep. It’s just lazy. The children should be active and having fun.

@Katesboy8

I mean a travel cot thing I guess? She has one in one room upstairs and another in a seperate room she must have taken down. Judging by the replies I am being unreasonable to expect any form of routine. I do know how annoying it is to plan our day around him having one nap so must be hard for her with more than one. I just don’t know what to do about it. He then may go to nursery a few days a week too and I worry he will never nap!

A three year old doesn't need a nap ! You havnt got a baby. Put him to bed at 7 with no nap in the day and he will sleep get him a bed aswell you are acting aside your child is still six months old

Absolutely same here. It drove me mad when nurseries let children sleep. It’s just lazy. The children should be active and having fun.

How is it lazy? Some children sleep better at night if they nap during the day, mine did.
If you've ever been in a nursery with children who didn't nap, they do tend to spend the afternoon unsettled and potentially upset. That was under 3s though. 3+ don't usually nap unless they fall asleep or parents request it.
OP's child still needs a nap and should be provided with a proper sleeping area.

@eccecc

Absolutely same here. It drove me mad when nurseries let children sleep. It’s just lazy. The children should be active and having fun.

How is it lazy? Some children sleep better at night if they nap during the day, mine did.
If you've ever been in a nursery with children who didn't nap, they do tend to spend the afternoon unsettled and potentially upset. That was under 3s though. 3+ don't usually nap unless they fall asleep or parents request it.
OP's child still needs a nap and should be provided with a proper sleeping area.

But does he need a nap? He’s not sleeping at night.

It’s lazy because the caregiver gets a break if they get the children to sleep in the afternoons. I don’t send a 3 year old child to a nursery to sleep during the day.

"The only structure I want is for the nap not to be on a noisy sofa or a thirty minute car nap! He’s down for 715 after a snack, bath and books in a dark room with a night light. Sometimes he settles but lately he’s taking 1.5 hours! He then wakes in the night some nights and majority of the time is up by 445am!"

Sounds like he needs to drop the nap!

I agree he probably actually need to drop the nap, and you also probably should be stricter when he wakes up at 4:45am. It’s still the middle of the night, at 3 he can understand that and should be sent back to his room to finish his sleep or entertain himself quietly in his bed until 7am (have an alarm clock system where the light turns green when it’s an okay time to start the day).

I think you are frustrated at the situation but taking it out on the wrong person. Not saying the childminder couldn’t do more but it seems like he is actually worse on the days you have him at home and he naps? So it’s likely it has nothing to do with the childminder and more to do with the fact that he needs to drop the nap and learn to self-soothe to sleep.

Op you need your sleep at night. It’s important for you. Try to drop the daytime sleeping for a few days and see what difference it makes to the night. If you look again at your post and see what you are saying you might see that logically more daytime sleeping is not what you want.

I also don’t think you need a darkened room but that’s another topic.

@Shapesorted

Do you not do much with him during the day then if he has to sleep at 1130/12 every day for 1.5 HR in a dark room in a cot only?

I take him out every morning for a walk or to the park. Snack then nap. Then lunch and out in the afternoon to the beach etc. Not sure why you’d assume not?!

I’m well aware he has a sleep issue in general but we seem to have tried every thing with no change but maybe not persisted for long enough? From this week we are going to shorten the nap to 45 mins and see if that helps. My main issue was the location of his nap as I felt he wasn’t getting quality sleep as it’s always the days he’s with the cm that he sleeps worse at home so that’s all I could attribute it to. I guess it may be as he’s sleeping less at hers but he would get used to that routine if we did it too and sleep more at night! Sorry if I sound so defensive it’s just exhausting to know what to do as I am so sleep deprived I don’t try things for long enough out of sheer exhaustion!

He has a bed at home… don’t assume he has a cot. My original message said cot because I just didn’t want his only option of a nap at the CM to be on the sofa or car seat… I just meant somewhere he could sleep comfortably in the quiet like he does here. Your tone is really rude and it’s frustrating as I’m just looking for advice!

@Cissyandflora no he isn’t a baby but could still have a nap in a bed? I just meant not on a noisy sofa or car seat!

@Katesboy8

He has a bed at home… don’t assume he has a cot. My original message said cot because I just didn’t want his only option of a nap at the CM to be on the sofa or car seat… I just meant somewhere he could sleep comfortably in the quiet like he does here. Your tone is really rude and it’s frustrating as I’m just looking for advice!

@Skyla2005

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to want a good place to sleep. I’d have thought there’d be a quiet room for sleeping. However.. I do think you might be at the point where dropping a nap would probably help. I did find it took my eldest a long time to drop her nap. She needed a phase of napping every other day for a few months. Maybe you could either try limiting the nap or dropping it for 3/7 days.

@m00rfarm

why is he having such long naps during the day if he does not sleep at night? By the time my son was 3 I was actively trying to stop him napping during the day to make sure he slept properly at night. Or am I missing the point?

Because i dropped the naps or made them shorter and nothing changed so he was sleeping about 8 hours in total! Maybe I need to try for longer.

@Cissyandflora

Op you need your sleep at night. It’s important for you. Try to drop the daytime sleeping for a few days and see what difference it makes to the night. If you look again at your post and see what you are saying you might see that logically more daytime sleeping is not what you want.

I also don’t think you need a darkened room but that’s another topic.

Yes I agree given what everyone has said and will try from tomorrow to drop the nap or drastically shorten it.

@Bunnycat101

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to want a good place to sleep. I’d have thought there’d be a quiet room for sleeping. However.. I do think you might be at the point where dropping a nap would probably help. I did find it took my eldest a long time to drop her nap. She needed a phase of napping every other day for a few months. Maybe you could either try limiting the nap or dropping it for 3/7 days.

Thank you yes will need to try this.

@Vetyveriohohoh

What are you doing to sort the early rising OP? A 3yo going for a nap at 11;30am is just a massive tell that they aren’t sleeping well enough at night

We have tried an earlier bed time. Ignoring him and leaving him with toys and books. He has a grow light. He throws himself at the door hysterically until we give in! Honestly we have persisted for such a long time we gave up. However I haven’t persisted long enough with dropping the nap totally so will try this.

@ThanksIGotItInMorrisons

She can’t force sleep on him. You should know that.

I didn’t ask for that! I wanted a quiet room with a bed or cot for him to sleep that’s all!

I think you may need to fork out for a one-to-one nanny if you want someone to comply to your rules to the letter. Childminders have other charges to consider.

My ds was very similar. Slept awfully at night which meant I was almost desperate for him to nap in the day so I could get a break.

My advice is to cut the nap. Let him have 30 minutes at the most and then put him to bed at 7. 5pm time will be horrific for a few weeks but it will pay off in the future.

Good luck.

Honestly I don’t mean to be critical of you op. It’s just that sleep deprivation is awful for parents and you need to get your little boy to sleep more at night. I wouldn’t be making him comfortable in bed during the day. At all! If I see mine dropping off to sleep in the buggy I get them out and make them walk. No daytime sleeping unless unwell. Definitely not at 3. Keep going with him because you deserve the rest!

It’s lazy because the caregiver gets a break if they get the children to sleep in the afternoons
There's paperwork to tackle when the children are asleep, plus other children who don't nap or who nap at different times so are awake. It's there's too many staff while the children are sleeping then they'll be delegated jobs elsewhere. It's really not what you think it is.

Whether he needs the nap or not, he should be given a proper place to sleep. You wouldn't get away with a car or sofa in a nursery so not sure why a childminder gets away with it.