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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend implied my arms were fat

90 replies

Trinitykb · 16/07/2021 06:45

Not sure if I was being too sensitive or not.
I am a size 6-8, BMI is around 21 so not overweight at all.
My boyfriend is always very complimentary and says I’m beautiful etc which I really appreciate.
However it took me by surprise, the other day he took hold of my arm and touched my ‘bingo wing’ that I have and said ‘Jesus look at that, you could practically fit another arm in there.”

I got upset as it just took me by surprise. I’ve never had any sort of comment on my body before that suggests I could be fat, negative comments about my face I’ve had but not my weight.
Anyway he said he was really sorry and didn’t mean it and that I was gorgeous etc.
Does it sound like I was overreacting? I guess it just made me a bit paranoid that he thinks I have flabby arms. I just don’t really like ‘jokes’ like that about appearance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trinitykb · 16/07/2021 06:47

There was no prior conversation at all about weight or size either, it just came out of nowhere.

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tryingtocatchthewind · 16/07/2021 06:49

Next time he takes his pants down say “oh is that all”!
That was a really cruel thing to say and there’s no way he didn’t know it was. Call him out on it.

Original poster
Trinitykb · 16/07/2021 06:51

Yeah, the thing is he is slightly overweight, bit of a beer belly as he says etc. And always complains about how he’s put weight on. But I’d never make comments like that.
Just feels like double standards.

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Arepeoplereallycoolaboutthis · 16/07/2021 06:51

Personally, I think it was just a joke. My DP and I joke all the time about our appearances but it's heart felt humour. We would never make a joke about something we know would make the other insecure. I guess it depends on what your relationship is like.

Now you've told him how you feel it's likely he won't make this sort of joke again. And if he does, THEN he's prick.

Sleepinghyena · 16/07/2021 06:51

I agree with pp. Neg him in someway about his body. Then when he comments, say you didn't mean it....

Original poster
Trinitykb · 16/07/2021 06:51

He’s never made comments like that before either he always says I have such a nice figure and so on. I really don’t know what he was thinking.

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Original poster
Trinitykb · 16/07/2021 06:52

The thing is I think jokes have some truth in them. He wouldn’t have said it if he didn’t think it

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NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 16/07/2021 06:55

If you are a size 6-8 I sincerely doubt you have bingo wings.

He sounds like an arse. Ditch him.

Original poster
Trinitykb · 16/07/2021 06:57

That’s the thing, it’s a rude comment regardless of size but I find it very alarming he could say it about somebody who is slim. It just makes me feel like he’s into very lithe and very naturally thin women.

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DillonPanthersTexas · 16/07/2021 06:59

He sounds like an arse. Ditch him.

Well that escalated quickly!

OldScrappyAndHungry · 16/07/2021 06:59

I don’t think it has any truth in it. You clearly can’t have fat arms it you’re a size 6-8. I think he’s very insecure about the fact you’re more attractive than him and he’s decided that making you feel insecure about your looks is the way to go. I’d give him a pass on this one but we’d be monitoring the situation carefully - if it carries on I’d be thinking twice about the relationship. Flowers

OldScrappyAndHungry · 16/07/2021 06:59

I’d be not we’d be

SameToo · 16/07/2021 07:07

Christ don’t resort to ‘negging’ him to get even Hmm I’d explain to him how hurtful his comments are and that you are concerned by his attitude.

Velvian · 16/07/2021 07:09

I don't think it's anything to do with your arms. Is it that he's been teased by his mates for being 'too nice' to you? Or, have you said something that has inadvertently upset him and he is retaliating?

Whatever the reason, it's not good behaviour from him and you should tell him.

Franklyfrost · 16/07/2021 07:09

It sounds like he was commenting on the way your skin attaches to your arm (maybe just when your arm is in a particular position). So he wasn’t calling you fat and isn’t into ‘lithe’ women. It was thoughtless but I wouldn’t have taken offence. Everyone’s bodies have weird bits! Tell him you find it hurtful.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 16/07/2021 07:10

How long have you been together?

Some men unconsciously (or consciously which is obviously really, really nasty) love bomb - for the first year its all compliments and adoration and presents and attention... Then the slow drip of occassional little put downs, insults and back handed compliments starts - mixed with reassurance and signs of adoration, but slowly less of that and more little digs.

It gradually, gradually wears away at self esteem and leaves the recipient feeling they aren't quite good enough, are lucky to have their "partner" and would never find anyone else who'd love them with so many flaws etc.

Something to be aware of, but obviously might well not be what's just started happening at all!

BTW bingo wings are loose skin, not fat - its definitely him insulting you, but its not him implying that you're fat. People get "bingo wings" if they lose a lotbof weight or as part of the normal aging process. Its skin which used to be plumped out with fat and is now hanging loose.

Billandben444 · 16/07/2021 07:13

Don't kick him into touch. Don't retaliate with a comment about his belly. Just tell him the comment hurt you and then be a grown up and move on. Jeez, one unwise comment and the guy's doomed.

Original poster
Trinitykb · 16/07/2021 07:15

Been together nearly a year and a half. He’s never said anything like that before so I was just really surprised, but I’m going to keep my eye out for any further comments.
I haven’t significantly changed my weight over my lifetime, it’s probably just ageing. I do exercise though.

I think he is a bit insecure in general, yesterday he was saying he’s got stretch marks. I always compliment him though and try to make him feel good.

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Original poster
Trinitykb · 16/07/2021 07:15

But yeah I’m not going to say anything in retaliation. I told him how I felt and he seemed really sorry.

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EllaBlaire · 16/07/2021 07:16

Some good advice above of things to look out for.

Also, you say you’ve had negative comments about your face before… is that from him too?

AlmostSummer21 · 16/07/2021 07:16

Having 'bingo wings' & being fat aren't the same thing.

It was an insensitive thing to say and only you know whether it was intended to upset you or if he just didn't think before he said it.

You sound young, now is the time to firm them up IF they bother YOU.

However, you also need to deal with the fact that none of us stay young, slim & taut all our lives and our worth is not in how much we weigh or what our dress size is.

IF you think he wouldn't want to be with you if you weren't so beautiful/slim etc then move on, because that will not get you through life together and your attitude to yourself will do you no favours either.

Think about your other qualities and find your 'worth' in them 💐

Original poster
Trinitykb · 16/07/2021 07:17

No it wasn’t from him, but from an ex. Saying that I had a big nose, bad teeth etc. A friend made similar comments when I was younger about them too, so I have had braces and non surgical nose job, but I did it for me as I never liked them myself.

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Original poster
Trinitykb · 16/07/2021 07:18

I just think that many men are very visual and expect you to look like a supermodel whilst they can be overweight if they like. Just huge double standards

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CloseYourEyesAndSee · 16/07/2021 07:18

You shouldn't be upset because he implied you were fat but you should be upset that he was rude and unkind about your body full stop. It's rude and disrespectful.

donquixotedelamancha · 16/07/2021 07:19

I think jokes have some truth in them.

Nope. In this case the humour is pretty obviously the ludicrousness of the statement. You are slim, so it's unlikely he imagined you would see an insult from something which couldn't possibly be true.

Don't kick him into touch. Don't retaliate with a comment about his belly. Just tell him the comment hurt you and then be a grown up and move on.

This. Posters advising childish responses are presumably either bad at relationships or being mean.