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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend implied my arms were fat

90 replies

Trinitykb · 16/07/2021 06:45

Not sure if I was being too sensitive or not.
I am a size 6-8, BMI is around 21 so not overweight at all.
My boyfriend is always very complimentary and says I’m beautiful etc which I really appreciate.
However it took me by surprise, the other day he took hold of my arm and touched my ‘bingo wing’ that I have and said ‘Jesus look at that, you could practically fit another arm in there.”

I got upset as it just took me by surprise. I’ve never had any sort of comment on my body before that suggests I could be fat, negative comments about my face I’ve had but not my weight.
Anyway he said he was really sorry and didn’t mean it and that I was gorgeous etc.
Does it sound like I was overreacting? I guess it just made me a bit paranoid that he thinks I have flabby arms. I just don’t really like ‘jokes’ like that about appearance.

OP posts:

SoundBar · 17/07/2021 07:55

I think he's testing the waters to see how much he can control you OP. Not something that a loving partner would say

Miyiam · 17/07/2021 08:10

His comment was rude but it sounds like you are both insecure. It's normal to have flesh on the arms to look healthy so if he grabbed a bit of skin, just common sense would suggest at size 6 that it doesn't form bingo wings, I'm sure your arms are 100% normal. I'm a size 8-10 and I would have laughed at such a stupid comment because it's rude and pathetic. Don't waste any energy dwelling on it, there are better things to think about.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 17/07/2021 09:23

Fangsalot89 or how much self respect you have. You can have a thick skin but find this kind of pathetic "banter" a complete turn off. There's nothing attractive or amusing to me about an insecure man insulting the woman he's in a relationship with. If that floats your boat that's up to you.

I get all sorts of insults (and inappropriate compliments and just weird comments) at work because of my client group and its water off a duck's back, but I wouldn't be interested in a relationship where my partner enjoyed insulting me, whether thought it was funny or was just plain unpleasant, was venting his own insecurity and it was nothing personal or he did it in a conscious or unconscious bid to try to make me as insecure as him - all those things would turn me right off a "partner".

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 17/07/2021 09:26

I must say if you never put up with this kind of shit you don't get it much in your personal life - having standards is a good thing IME...

donquixotedelamancha · 17/07/2021 09:27

That so calls for an off the cuff penis/sexual prowess-based insult.....it can feel quite satisfying to deliver this an emotionallly insensitive man.

I think he's testing the waters to see how much he can control you OP.

That would be the end of the relationship for me

Comedy gold like this is why AIBU is so popular; although I really do hope that no-one takes relationship advice from here.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 17/07/2021 10:05

I'd never ever say anything like that about anyone even if a. I didnt like them and didnt care about their feelings and b. They had fat arms.

I cant think on what planet he had any other intention other than to make you feel shit about yourself.

And the question is why? And what are you going to do about it?

Fangsalot89 · 17/07/2021 10:11

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme That’s your standards. Not mine. I can have a laugh with my partner and give as good as I get. If i genuinely thought he meant any of it then I wouldn’t be with him. It’s not to do with lacking self respect or otherwise. Not everyone is out to get you.

FinallyHere · 17/07/2021 10:36

it’s a rude comment regardless of size but I find it very alarming he could say it about somebody who is slim

It's really not about you, it's all about him.

It's not about whether you deserve the comment, it's about whether any decent person would say things to hurt you. You should not have have to look a certain way or be a certain size, for him to not make horrible body shaming comments.

Your post above makes it seem that you don't expect him to make cruel remarks because you are not fat. That you are buying in to the story that as long as you look good you will be treated well.

This is non sense. If he is decent and he loves you, why would he want to make such hurtful comments anyway?

I think @StormBaby nailed it

He’s negging you because he has low self esteem and he thinks you are out of his league.

billy1966 · 17/07/2021 10:46

The thing is, not everyone likes nor wants a relationship where insults are thrown as banter, similarly rough play.

It all sounds very juvenile and where does it end?

I love my husband, I don't want to make personal remarks about his appearance under the guise of "banter".

If a female "friend" made a remark like that, it would be considered very rude.

Why would she accept this from a partner?

I love all the accusations that the OP is sensitive or insecure.....just the type of accusations abusive men throw at their wives.

Having standards and not tolerating being spoken to disrespectfully always gets people's hackles up on MN.

They get accusations of being "princessy".

Funny how women that DO have good boundaries, self respect and standards often manage to end up with good men in their lives.

OP, hold onto your boundaries.

slightlysnippy · 17/07/2021 10:53

I wonder if many men don't think bingo wings is an offensive comment, my husband mentioned my bingo wings last week and was totally shocked that I was so offended. He's also is very complimentary about my looks, so was rather unusual to hear something hurtful from him.

So if it's a one off OP wouldn't worry about it.

Roomonb · 17/07/2021 11:04

Been with my husband over ten years, currently obese after pregnancy, he’s not, never once “accidentally” said anything negative about my appearance.

I doubt he’s having to stop himself, he just doesn’t say shit about how people look generally. I think that’s quite grown up tbh. I’d find anyone who does bantz really fucking annoying tbh.

If you don’t like it you are definitely not obliged to put up with it.

DillonPanthersTexas · 17/07/2021 11:19

Been with my husband over ten years, currently obese after pregnancy, he’s not, never once “accidentally” said anything negative about my appearance.

Making a 'fat joke' at someone who is overweight or obese is very different to doing it to someone who is a slender size 6. The 'joke' with the latter is clearly that the OP clearly does not have bingo wings. Anyway, the OP has established her boundaries, her DP realised he had caused offence and immediately apologised. Assuming he does not make similar jokes going forward they should be able to crack on with life. Those on here suggesting the OP ends the relationship over this one incident strike me as nuts.

Bluesheep8 · 19/07/2021 06:59

size 6-8 you say? Hardly likely to have bingo wings

It's perfectly possible to be very slim and have disproportionately fat arms

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 19/07/2021 07:13

Fangsalot89 and not everyone has to prove they're a cool girl. Its nothing to do with thinking "everyone is out to get you" - its about not finding personal insults amusing. Being able to have a laugh isn't exclusive to people who's humour is based on insults and mocking each other. As others say I'd never mock anyone else's body, especially not someone I love. It isn't funny to me, just unpleasant. A relationship can be full of laughter without being based on "banter".

I always wonder whether people who insult their romantic partners daily also talk to their children like that.

Fangsalot89 · 19/07/2021 07:32

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme
That’s the mumsnet spirit. “Cool girl.” 🤣

Again, that’s your personal choice and as such, you make assumptions about everyone else who does. Not everyone who finds that sort of thing funny is doing so with malicious intent.

Wait, am I not meant to tell my child she’s fat then? 🙄

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