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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend implied my arms were fat

90 replies

Trinitykb · 16/07/2021 06:45

Not sure if I was being too sensitive or not.
I am a size 6-8, BMI is around 21 so not overweight at all.
My boyfriend is always very complimentary and says I’m beautiful etc which I really appreciate.
However it took me by surprise, the other day he took hold of my arm and touched my ‘bingo wing’ that I have and said ‘Jesus look at that, you could practically fit another arm in there.”

I got upset as it just took me by surprise. I’ve never had any sort of comment on my body before that suggests I could be fat, negative comments about my face I’ve had but not my weight.
Anyway he said he was really sorry and didn’t mean it and that I was gorgeous etc.
Does it sound like I was overreacting? I guess it just made me a bit paranoid that he thinks I have flabby arms. I just don’t really like ‘jokes’ like that about appearance.

OP posts:
BeachPicture · 16/07/2021 08:24

That would be the end of the relationship for me. I am overweight due to medical treatment, I complain but all my DH does in response is tell me I’ve never looked more beautiful and always tries to make me feel good about myself and improve my confidence. This is what a relationship should be like not what he said.

Iamthewombat · 16/07/2021 08:26

@ohthatbloodycat

It sounds like you're hooked on getting compliments from him. I wouldn't pay too much attention to the one time he screws up!
Agreed. I think that you are being over-sensitive.

Your boyfriend makes one stupid joke for which he immediately apologised. You don’t need to be coming on here, seeking reassurance from strangers, telling us your dress size and BMI because you are horrified and crushed at his having strayed once from the “you’re so slim and gorgeous” narrative. Toughen up. You can’t ge like this every time you hear something you don’t like. If he starts regularly criticising your appearance, bin him.

suspiria777 · 16/07/2021 08:26

Are you very short OP? size 6 is a 24 inch waist so I can't imagine you look remotely fat, unless the secret is you're only 3 feet tall.

BigFatLiar · 16/07/2021 08:30

All we have is the words on the screen, only you can tell if he was being mean or making a jokey comment.

Probably everyone will think me mean for saying it...

Personally I think you appear to have issues with your own appearance. The previous teasing/bullying you've experienced has had a bad affect and you're a bit sensitive about your appearance.

Been together 18 months and he thinks you're beautiful. I suspect he thinks you're at the stage where you can have a bit of light-hearted teasing. Does he know about the previous comments about your nose and teeth? If not tell him and explain you don't like comments about your appearance even if its only in fun as you take it heart.

NewlyGranny · 16/07/2021 08:31

Best way to deal with fadoobadahs (stress on second syllable) is to tone up the upper arm muscles.

This is best done with weights, e.g. picking up s disrespectful bf and carrying him outside. The rotary motion involved in locking the door after him will tone and strengthen wrists.

moovinon · 16/07/2021 08:38

To me, it just sounds like a joke.
Particularly as you are obviously really thin.

It's hard as we don't know the tone it was said in, but if he's never done this sort of thing before then I would be inclined to think it's a joke.

My partner does this to me all the time. We call each other fat all the time, even though neither of us are actually big.

ChristmasFluff · 16/07/2021 08:43

Size 6 can definitely have bingo wings and presumably the only people who think they can't are either young or have never been a size 6.

OP, he is negging you, definitely. As others have so wisely pointed out, he's trying to chip away at your self-esteem - and thos epoeple saying to let him know how hurt you are - I mean, it's obviously a nasty thing to say. Never expain normal, empathic behaviour to another adult. Just note that either they lack empathy, or they just don't care about you.

I'd be finding a chance to pat his belly and say, 'wow; have you got a baby in there?' at the first opportunity though. I bet you'll find how acceptable he finds the 'banter' when it comes from you. Which would make him a man with double-standards.

He's sounding less attractive all the time...

DillonPanthersTexas · 16/07/2021 08:44

Can you explain the joke?

Sure.

The OP is a size 6/8, the chances of her having 'bingo wings' are virtually nil. The joke is him pointing out something that is patently untrue.

Granted, it's not the funniest gag in the world, even less so when it has to be explained, but a joke it is.

todaysdilemma · 16/07/2021 08:45

Ah, OP, it was a thoughtless comment but he apologised. Also, if he puts himself down too in front of you, he likely doesn't see criticism as damning as you do anyway. Most importantly he apologised the minute he realised it upset you, and this is not a regular habit. In fact he's normally quite complimentary as you've said. Unless he's stopped having sex with you or being affectionate, your arms clearly don't bother him. It was just an observation, though an insensitive one.

Be careful of expecting perfect behaviour at every point from a partner. Because unless you have never in your life made a thoughtless or insensitive comment to anyone ever, you owe a loved one the benefit of the doubt that it wasn't malicious. If he had defended his position or not apologised or did it regularly, that's a red flag. None of those apply here.

Also, we need to accept that as much as our partners love us, they don't have to love every single thing about us. Of course, it's better if they never tell us, but if you spend years and years with someone, an occasional slip up could happen. What's important is you immediate let them know it hurt you and let them apologise.

My bf once told me he loved how soft my arms were, and loved squeezing them. Im a size 6 but think my arms are flabby and so felt conscious about the comment: he immediately apologised and hadn't realised my arms were a sensitive topic as I'm so slim and had never expressed body insecurities. No drama, we moved on, he hasn't said anything negative since and life carries on. However, I then decided to work on my arms as they'd been bothering me long before I even met him, and I knew I needed to do more strength training anyway. So if you are self conscious about your arms, you can tone up but do it FOR YOURSELF only.

Pinknoise · 16/07/2021 08:47

I would be offended. At times like this, I think would I say that to them? No, I wouldn’t make personal comments about someone’s body even if I thought it.

Ozanj · 16/07/2021 08:51

Seems like he’s insecure with himself so is trying to keep you ‘down’ and with him. It will only get worse. You should just leave

DillonPanthersTexas · 16/07/2021 08:59

Seems like he’s insecure with himself so is trying to keep you ‘down’ and with him. It will only get worse. You should just leave

Seriously?

Clymene · 16/07/2021 08:59

@DillonPanthersTexas

Can you explain the joke?

Sure.

The OP is a size 6/8, the chances of her having 'bingo wings' are virtually nil. The joke is him pointing out something that is patently untrue.

Granted, it's not the funniest gag in the world, even less so when it has to be explained, but a joke it is.

Well I agree with you that it's not very funny.

See if the OP had said, 'god my arms look fat in this top', then it would have been a sarcastic retort.

But on its own? Nope, it's just negging.

Fangsalot89 · 16/07/2021 09:03

All those people saying to make a negative comment about his body so he stops and feels shit….it’s not a race to the fucking bottom.

How about communicate with him. Say something like “that was a shitty thing you said to me and it made me feel like crap. I don’t know what you mean as I’m not overweight at all.”

CandyLeBonBon · 16/07/2021 11:29

@NewlyGranny

Best way to deal with fadoobadahs (stress on second syllable) is to tone up the upper arm muscles.

This is best done with weights, e.g. picking up s disrespectful bf and carrying him outside. The rotary motion involved in locking the door after him will tone and strengthen wrists.

😂😂
lljkk · 16/07/2021 11:47

it shouldn't be considered a huge insult to be called overweight. In jest or in seriousness.

The fact that people interpret the comment as a nasty insult means they agree with the prejudice that being fat is shameful.

If the body positivity movement could achieve ONE good thing, then I wish that could be to make being "fat" into a simple fact or a trivial opinion, nothing more. No stigma in it.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 16/07/2021 12:00

lljkk the comment was "jesus look at that, you could practically fit another arm in there"

It isn't really a comment open to interpretation is it? Its clearly insulting, and is also about lose skin not fat...

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 16/07/2021 12:03

*loose

lljkk · 16/07/2021 12:10

If you like loose skin, then it's a compliment. No insult.

Farwest · 16/07/2021 12:10

It wasn't a joke. It may have been thoughtless. He may have meant nothing serious by it. But it wasn't a joke.

It was an insulting comment about your body. He meant it. He may not have meant for you to be hurt, but he believed what he said.

He may be negging you to undermine your self-esteem. Which is nasty and should result in dumping him, if it turns out to be true.

Tell him that you do not make negative comments about his body, ever. And he must never do it to you. That's your boundary, and he needs to respect it. And see how it goes.

MarshmallowSwede · 16/07/2021 12:14

“If only your trouser snake were bigger”.

Grin

He wouldn’t want you to comment on his penis so he should keep these comments to himself. It is very rude.

Fangsalot89 · 16/07/2021 12:43

@Farwest You simply can’t know that he meant it.
I joke around with my husband and sometimes poke his belly or retort “alright fatty” when we are discussing food. He laughs because he knows at no point is it true and in fact, I’m joking really about me being the overweight one and him being so bloody slim. It’s all light hearted.
However, it’s all to do with how the players of the game feel. That joke clearly wouldn’t work in this instance and her partner should know better.

Billandben444 · 16/07/2021 16:23

That would be the end of the relationship for me
Wow, no pressure for your partner then. He must walk on eggshells.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 16/07/2021 21:18

Billandben444 or she picked a partner with a similar sense of humour which doesn't include snide comments, insults and put downs... Many people are as likely to say something like that as to stick their finger in their partner's eye, because its just not something they're remotely inclined to do. No walking on eggshells required.

Only considering a partner who doesn't insult you is hardly a high bar or high pressure!

Fangsalot89 · 17/07/2021 07:41

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme Depends on how sensitive you are I guess

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