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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend implied my arms were fat

90 replies

Trinitykb · 16/07/2021 06:45

Not sure if I was being too sensitive or not.
I am a size 6-8, BMI is around 21 so not overweight at all.
My boyfriend is always very complimentary and says I’m beautiful etc which I really appreciate.
However it took me by surprise, the other day he took hold of my arm and touched my ‘bingo wing’ that I have and said ‘Jesus look at that, you could practically fit another arm in there.”

I got upset as it just took me by surprise. I’ve never had any sort of comment on my body before that suggests I could be fat, negative comments about my face I’ve had but not my weight.
Anyway he said he was really sorry and didn’t mean it and that I was gorgeous etc.
Does it sound like I was overreacting? I guess it just made me a bit paranoid that he thinks I have flabby arms. I just don’t really like ‘jokes’ like that about appearance.

OP posts:
Uramaki · 16/07/2021 07:20

There's no way he didn't know that was a rude thing to say

Etinox · 16/07/2021 07:21

@OldScrappyAndHungry

I don’t think it has any truth in it. You clearly can’t have fat arms it you’re a size 6-8. I think he’s very insecure about the fact you’re more attractive than him and he’s decided that making you feel insecure about your looks is the way to go. I’d give him a pass on this one but we’d be monitoring the situation carefully - if it carries on I’d be thinking twice about the relationship. Flowers
I agree. It could have been a red flag, it could have been a meaningless comment. Watch his behaviour and be ready to bail.
LimeRedBanana · 16/07/2021 07:21

Hmm, that’s really not OK.

I mean, it’s ostensibly a nothing, throw-away comment, right…?

But actually, it’s really not. Because he thought it, and let the words come out of mouth.

I’ve been with DH nearly 20 years and I’m a mahoosive (compared with you) size 12, and nothing like this has ever ‘slipped’ out of DH’s mouth.

I can cast iron guarantee that he’d hate it if you have him a taste of his own medicine.

StormBaby · 16/07/2021 07:27

He’s negging you because he has low self esteem and he thinks you are out of his league.

PicsInRed · 16/07/2021 07:30

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

How long have you been together?

Some men unconsciously (or consciously which is obviously really, really nasty) love bomb - for the first year its all compliments and adoration and presents and attention... Then the slow drip of occassional little put downs, insults and back handed compliments starts - mixed with reassurance and signs of adoration, but slowly less of that and more little digs.

It gradually, gradually wears away at self esteem and leaves the recipient feeling they aren't quite good enough, are lucky to have their "partner" and would never find anyone else who'd love them with so many flaws etc.

This is a very wise post, OP, and I would pay close attention to it. I note that you subsequently confirmed that you have been with him just over a year, which makes the above even more significant.

Bluesheep8 · 16/07/2021 07:30

I don't think it's anything to do with your arms. Is it that he's been teased by his mates for being 'too nice' to you?

Teased by his mates? Eh? Are they all 15 or something?

jinglebal · 16/07/2021 07:35

Perhaps it was a bad joke but I would comment on his fat belly & see if he finds it funny

CandyLeBonBon · 16/07/2021 07:35

A size 6-8 you say? Hardly likely to have bingo wings Confused

DillonPanthersTexas · 16/07/2021 07:38

Christ, there is an awful lot of pound shop psychoanalytic projections going on here. He made a crap joke and apologised immediately when you pointed out that it hurt your feelings. There is no mention of any prior pattern of such behaviour, it is so far a one off event and yet people are calling the relationship into question or advising the OP to ditch him.

4PawsGood · 16/07/2021 07:38

I’d presume it was a joke gone wrong that slipped out. This time and this time only. Any more like this and I’d think about it being the start of a pattern of behaviour.

ohthatbloodycat · 16/07/2021 07:41

It sounds like you're hooked on getting compliments from him. I wouldn't pay too much attention to the one time he screws up!

borntobequiet · 16/07/2021 07:43

I know a man that likes them. They’re pretty common in females so it’s not terribly surprising.

billy1966 · 16/07/2021 07:46

OP,

I think it was a very rude, unnecessary comment that wasn't accidental and I would wonder about why he would want to do that to someone he supposedly cares about.

I'm a very simple person in that I don't believe or accept a person who really cares about you comes out with personal, rude remarks.

So I would look at the person.

You say he is very insecure about his body?

So his way of dealing with that his make a very rude, untrue, personal remark about your appearance?

OK!

I would tell him again that his rude remark has made YOU look at HIM in a very different, unattractive light, and that you are very disappointed in HIM.

Let that hang there.

Don't make him feel better.

His remark wasn't accidental so let him know

you know it and that you see HIM very clearly.

Better to be clear about your boundaries.

lljkk · 16/07/2021 07:49

There are so few lithe women about I don't think you need to feel threatened.

Tal45 · 16/07/2021 07:51

Maybe he's feeling bad about his weight and projecting it on to you. People with low self esteem often want to bring those around them down. I'd talk to him again and reiterate how you felt and that you don't like 'jokes' about people's appearance aimed to bring them down and that you would never want to make him feel like that.

JustGiveMeGin · 16/07/2021 07:56

I think you sound very insecure if you are a size 6/8 and are even considering a comment would imply you are fat. Me and my husband 'neg' each other all the time (we consider it banter but each to their own) and neither of us take offence, we're not perfect physical specimens but we love each other enough that it doesn't matter! A throw away comment about my bingo wings would get him one back about his beer gut and a laugh.

Nothingyet · 16/07/2021 08:06

@Arepeoplereallycoolaboutthis

Personally, I think it was just a joke. My DP and I joke all the time about our appearances but it's heart felt humour. We would never make a joke about something we know would make the other insecure. I guess it depends on what your relationship is like.

Now you've told him how you feel it's likely he won't make this sort of joke again. And if he does, THEN he's prick.

Of course it is not a joke. It is being spiteful. It is not heart felt humour either.
Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 16/07/2021 08:09

It sounds like a shit joke to an insecure person to me. I affectionately call my husband Baldy and he calls me Big Head, no malice intended. Just tell him those comments hurt you.

MrsWooster · 16/07/2021 08:14

I think you should reread untilyournexthair… post again and again.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 16/07/2021 08:15

@Arepeoplereallycoolaboutthis

Personally, I think it was just a joke. My DP and I joke all the time about our appearances but it's heart felt humour. We would never make a joke about something we know would make the other insecure. I guess it depends on what your relationship is like.

Now you've told him how you feel it's likely he won't make this sort of joke again. And if he does, THEN he's prick.

This.

It's also oddly reasonable for here😂

CornishPastyDownUnder · 16/07/2021 08:15

holy hell@Trinitykb
That so calls for an off the cuff penis/sexual prowess-based insult,in ooh maybe a few weeks when hes completely forgotten the bingo wings remark...probs along the lines of you're thinking off investing in a decent sized vibrator..or just make like ur bored shitless as hes pounding away&say hes just not hitting it-but that you dont mean to offend him(Grin)..it can feel quite satisfying to deliver this an emotionallly insensitive man..and keep your eyes open for any more insidious supposedly"harmless"remarks-they are usually intended to rob a woman of self-esteem&confidence.

DillonPanthersTexas · 16/07/2021 08:17

His remark wasn't accidental

There is zero way you can know that.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 16/07/2021 08:19

Just want to point out to aome qomen here that taking a piss out of penis size is fundamentally different to making stupod comment about apparent bingo wings. Not funny, makes you also sound like 12

Clymene · 16/07/2021 08:20

@DillonPanthersTexas

Christ, there is an awful lot of pound shop psychoanalytic projections going on here. He made a crap joke and apologised immediately when you pointed out that it hurt your feelings. There is no mention of any prior pattern of such behaviour, it is so far a one off event and yet people are calling the relationship into question or advising the OP to ditch him.
Can you explain the joke?
billy1966 · 16/07/2021 08:21

The OP's size and security is NOT the issue.

The issue is a rude, unnecessary remark.

If the OP doesn't like it and doesn't accept it, it means she has boundaries and self respect.

He is an insecure man who made a rude personal remark.

There is no way that remark could be mis understood for anything other than a put down.

Some women expect no better and would wince and pretend it didn't matter.

Someone with boundaries and self respect will say wtf? and tell the person how bloody rude they were.

We all get to decide what we will and won't accept.

If the OP says nothing it is a clear message to him that she can be spoken to rudely.

His insecurity would give me the ick OP.

Very unattractive in a man that puts his partner down as a result.