People who don’t do online ordering but expect you to.

[BelleClapper]

Had yet another message from a family member while I was at work asking if I could order X item from X shop. I ignored it because I was busy. I then got a follow up text this morning saying ‘don’t worry if you’re too busy, I can try to get it instore if it’s in stock’.

I asked why they don’t just set up their own account and got a reply about already having too many passwords to remember. Wtf.

They do have a smart phone and use the internet so it’s not that. Requests are a few times a month, more around family birthdays etc.

DH is also guilty of this, he messages me links to eBay items rather than set up his own eBay/PayPal account. I forced him to make his own Amazon log in last year because it was weekly requests for me to order stuff.

I might be in a particularly bad mood today but I’m finding it really fucking irritating. Yes it may only take me a couple of minutes but I resent it.

AIBU to just say no to it from now on? The recent one has tipped me over because I’ve worked 52 hours in the last 7 days and the person asking doesn’t work. Im a little bit at breaking point and this ‘small favour’ request has broken me iyswim.

Hiding spending might make sense, she is very very spendy and I know it’s a bone of contention.

She might find it easier to excuse away transferring money to me than explaining payments to different shops.

She gives us loads of BNWT clothes that she’s bought for herself and her DC that either get outgrown or never worn. So maybe she’s trying to hide that she’s buying yet more clothes.

Anyway I’m not doing it any more.

Maybe…. Talk to her to see if there is a problem?

@Marmitemarinaded

Maybe…. Talk to her to see if there is a problem?

I have? She has given me loads of different reasons over the last 15 years.

She’s a funny one, a mess of anxieties, and always a million reasons why she can’t do something, few of which make sense. I think she tells quite a few big porkies, or half truths that make sense to her at the time.

Anyway she’s not actually my problem to fix and I’ve had enough of her demands on my time, as fond as I am of her. It’s my day off today and I’ve spent it in bed feeling ill because I am utterly run down, I need to focus on me and my family and not worry about listening to voice messages about her cleaning schedule and feeling guilty for not answering texts.

I actually thought I’d get loads of posts telling me it’s only a few seconds of my time and not to be so selfish, so it’s galvanised me how unanimous it’s been (up until now, this is Mumsnet after all so I’m sure someone will tell me I’m being unreasonable in a bit)

MiL is accelerating this.

We’ve gone from asking for ideas for kids (and DH’s) presents, to asking for specific links (also cue panic if specific link item is sold out as won’t google alternative sellers/similar items), to asking us to identify specific items and buy them for her and transferring money, to now just sending me money and asking me to find things and buy them.

She doesn’t work, is only in her 60s and is online frequently. They hammer Amazon for their own needs.

I have a full time job, four kids, and especially at Christmas being asked to do all her work for her (obviously I have to wrap everything too) makes me feel pretty narked. And she’ll sympathise with how much there is to do!

I think she’s very nervous about buying the wrong thing and is utterly unable to think of her own ideas (and doesn’t know any of well enough, but that’s another thread), but the big change came when the wrong thing was delivered for DH and she had to sort it out, as purchaser, when desperately trying to get us to.

Last year DH and I didn’t bother buying ourselves presents and just put the money she sent towards general gift costs for the children. She got cross with us...

I’ve always been the admin person at home growing up (I suspect both of my parents are functionally illiterate). But it came to a head shortly after I was married and my husband heard me booking a restaurant table for my brother and his fiancé . They live over 100 miles away. I honestly hadn’t realised that wasn’t normal. So I told my brother he needed to call and book things himself

Everyone giving in to this needs to meet my brother. Master of saying no and not giving a sh*t.

Mum: Can you do this for me....
Bro: No, you can do that for yourself
Mum: Tries wheedling, emotional blackmail, sulking
Bro: I said No
Mum: But whhhhyyyyy noooot? (pathetic sad face, whiny voice)
Bro: Because I don't want to (repeat as required)
Mum: Stunned silence.......

It goes like this, I ring my mother....

Chat, chat, chat....

Oh before I forget can you get that Amazon thing up on your computer.

Can you just order me xyz book...................... Tell me how much I owe you, like I am going to take a fiver from an 82 year olds pension money, I dread to think how much it has cost me down the years.

Anyone else can jog on.

So I’ve just listened to today’s WhatsApp voice message and it’s two minutes of her telling me in great detail about her terrible day not that terrible.

DH and I have just scrolled back through and I get one of these every day or sometimes every other day, never a cheery chatty message. Interspersed with requests to order things and photos of the cleaning she’s done that day. She tends to post several posts at a time and keeps on until I answer or it gets late.

Since Friday my responses have mainly referenced how burnt out I am and how much I’m looking forward to my day off, and then yesterday I said I’d left work early feeling unwell. She’s barely acknowledged these.

Sorry to go off on a bit of a tangent but I’ve realised I’m being used. DH is going to speak to his brother (this is his wife).

My mum does this but instead of sending me links she'll send me screen shots. Drives me mad

@Musicaltheatremum

My 93 year old FIL to be orders (incessantly) online. He's amazing. My fiance does get me to order stuff on my Amazon prime account. Mind you no point in paying two prime fees so I don't mind. He always pays me back

You can share your Amazon prime benefits with one other account

@WiddlinDiddlin

YANBU...

My sister does this, makes me order stuff off Amazon for her cos 'I don't have amazon'... and no she doesn't mean she doesn't have Prime, she mean's she doesn't 'have Amazon' like its some sort of app or something you need to have, or something you need membership for that is hard to get..

She is spectacularly techno-muppet, despite having jumped on the smartphone bandwagon probably ten years before I ever did, she can ebay stuff... she knows where facebook is and sometimes looks at it but when it comes to buying anything not on ebay.. she's apparently totally baffled.

Worse than this (and yes, she has pissed me off today why do you ask..)... she rings me to get me to GOOGLE stuff for her because she can't google things, she could ASK her phone to google for her, but no, she rings me... she doesn't even begin to understand how to use appropriate search terms to find the answers she needs...

Techno-muppet!!

Omg it’s your SIL! That’s absurd.

My MIL had a shaky understanding of the internet and was in a nursing home with crap WiFi. She’d ask me to find her a new skirt (for example) and to print off, in colour, each and every skirt on the M&S website.

She also had a shaky understanding of the cost of printer ink.

@Gerwurtztraminer

Everyone giving in to this needs to meet my brother. Master of saying no and not giving a sh*t.

Mum: Can you do this for me....
Bro: No, you can do that for yourself
Mum: Tries wheedling, emotional blackmail, sulking
Bro: I said No
Mum: But whhhhyyyyy noooot? (pathetic sad face, whiny voice)
Bro: Because I don't want to (repeat as required)
Mum: Stunned silence.......

To your brother, I tip my imaginary hat .

Also, in general, men are MUCH better than women are, at refusing/saying no, and not giving a shit.

Women are conditioned - from an early age - to be nice and KIND.

ARGH!!! Fucks me right off it does!

Hopefully things will change for you @BelleClapper, it's amazing how much difference a drain can make on your energy levels. Your SIL is a self centred wazzock piece of work! I get an immediate sinking feeling when I see it's my DM calling me, as she is hard work and a drain as well. Although fortunately she is capable of ordering stuff online herself, which is a bonus.

MIL had the internet once but disconnected as she was so worried about phishing, scams and fraud. So she just asked us to order things for her instead. It did grate on me initially but she was obviously getting very anxious and it was just another layer of worry she didn't need. So fair enough. (And she was very very good about paying, even though we said it was OK, not to worry about payment)

@FlaminEckVera you are right, women are trained from an early age to be amenable and keep the peace and sacrifice themselves for others. And to care too much about being judged by others. I see it in the workplace a lot too. As I got older I definitely learnt from Brother and I am way 'ruder' now. Still working on not caring about what people think when I am!

One thing I notice is he never gives reasons or excuses that can be argued with or debated, or compromises or solutions found. Just says he doesn't want to. He actually carelessly shrugs if people tell him he's being unreasonable/unkind/out of order. Drives people batty.

Me and Sister in law just laugh as it's so funny to watch. With mum as she kept persisting, SiL kept saying for years 'but she KNOWS how stubborn he can be" (well yes, 'cos guess where he got that from!)

To be fair, he only does this when he thinks people are being Cheeky F in their demands. He's very helpful and kind otherwise.

I order stuff for my mom… she’s 92 not online and I live 200 miles from her. It’s something I am happy to do for her and she rarely asks for anything. It’s mostly her mentioning something so I find it and order it.

My son orders Amazon stuff for me if I need it quickly or it’s below the free delivery limit as he has student prime and I don’t want to pay for it too.

@BelleClapper

Had yet another message from a family member while I was at work asking if I could order X item from X shop. I ignored it because I was busy. I then got a follow up text this morning saying ‘don’t worry if you’re too busy, I can try to get it instore if it’s in stock’.

I asked why they don’t just set up their own account and got a reply about already having too many passwords to remember. Wtf.

They do have a smart phone and use the internet so it’s not that. Requests are a few times a month, more around family birthdays etc.

DH is also guilty of this, he messages me links to eBay items rather than set up his own eBay/PayPal account. I forced him to make his own Amazon log in last year because it was weekly requests for me to order stuff.

I might be in a particularly bad mood today but I’m finding it really fucking irritating. Yes it may only take me a couple of minutes but I resent it.

AIBU to just say no to it from now on? The recent one has tipped me over because I’ve worked 52 hours in the last 7 days and the person asking doesn’t work. Im a little bit at breaking point and this ‘small favour’ request has broken me iyswim.

‘don’t worry if you’re too busy, I can try to get it instore if it’s in stock’. all you need to do is text 'ok'.. and for any further requests just say not convenient anymore and not really free to text during office hours btw. (maybe not 2nd bit to DH) I wouldn't offer to help with setting up account as they clearly are internet savvy and just opens door for more conversations. If they query why you wont do it any more just explain that given they cannot even be bothered to do it for their own items they must understand you certainly dont want to do for others.

How on earth have you got the the stage of being someone's unpaid personal assistant?

Honestly how?

@BlueCupOrangeCup

How on earth have you got the the stage of being someone's unpaid personal assistant?

Honestly how?

I’ve got no idea. I suppose I didn’t notice how often I was being asked until it really got on my nerves.

I'd pop them on mute and let them bombard you. Don't read any of them
I would love to do that, but I know from experience they’ll just start calling DH out of concern for me.

Can't your DH just block them? Or maybe send a short, terse text saying "BelleClapper is fine, no need for concern"?

Why would it be your problem that someone bombards your DH with messages. Just watch, how quickly he gets them to stop.

I am so glad other people hate the voice messages as much as I do. I don't even listen to voicemails on the phone anymore for crying out loud - why would I want to listen to a 6 minute monologue that I can't skim over in case I miss something. And it's never the people who are precise and to the point who leave them - they can manage a single message - so it's 99% unskippable waffle!

I’ll be interested to hear what happens when your DH talks to his brother. He will either be grateful to know what’s going on and be understanding. If this is the case, he will have a word to his CFDW and she will back off. I have a horrible feeling that he will be pissed off and defensive, because you have become her sounding board PLUS you have facilitated her hidden shopping addiction. He will be angry about that too. He will blow up at her and then she will blow up at you.

Long & rambling phone voice messages

We were taught to hang up if unexpectedly asked to leave a message, then redial when you have worked out the concise message you want to leave