Usually a lurker but had to seek some advice on this one because it’s been giving me a few restless nights. Sorry it’s a bit long.
It was my friend’s birthday so I popped over to drop a card. It was a doorstop visit, quick hello. She asked her 4YO son to come and say hello and he was playing so refused which didn’t bother me at all. Friend’s partner who I’ve not seen in around 5 years and I’ve never really gotten on with as he has historically treated her badly (she knows this so tends to keep us apart) came to the door to say hello which was fine. However, when son refused to say hello, he said ‘say hello otherwise 'GreenFlipFlop' will think you’re racist’ (I’m black). I was really taken aback by this as it was really random and I was a bit upset by it because it implied to me that black people think that everything and everyone is racist. I think my face changed and my friend sensed this but neither of us said anything and partner had walked away by then, I talked to her for a bit then said my goodbyes.
She text me 2 days later thanking me for card and normally I’m quite a non-confrontational person so don’t say anything however, this had been playing on my mind for 2 days and I was actually quite angry the more I thought about it because I thought it was a really inappropriate thing to say to a child and about me. I asked her what he meant by it and she apologised to me and said he gets really awkward when he hasn’t seen anyone for a while. She then forwarded me a message that was ‘supposedly’ typed by him apologising to me. I told her I accepted the apology, but basically that generally having a family that had felt the effects of racism, it wasn’t very nice and had upset me.
Friend understandably very upset by everything that happened and told me she had been crying since I sent the text as she was upset and didn’t think I’d want to be friends anymore. I said that wasn’t the case but I was just sick of holding these things in when they happened because its always me that gets upset and dwells on it and just wanted to make her aware.
Her mum later messaged me upset that I had called her daughter a racist and saying that neither of them were racist and that I had taken what was said the wrong way. Felt very victim blaming and I didn’t understand why her mum was getting involved when me and friend had had an amicable conversation between us. I forwarded mum last message sent to friend and she apologised that she had accused me. I accepted apology because cba with the drama and didn’t want to communicate with her any longer. However, I’m now left feeling like I tried to speak up for once about something that upset me and became the unreasonable one, like me being upset about what was said was less important than my friend being upset which is exactly why people don’t speak up about these things in the first place. Haven’t spoken to friend or mother since which was a couple of days ago. Feel very odd about the friendship now.
Did I make too big a deal of the partner’s comment?