Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Why is she not safeguarding her child?

136 replies

Blessedbethefruit01 · 14/07/2021 14:16

I've changed my username as this could be quite outing.

This is about my nephew who is almost 2. My Dsis hired a nanny a few months ago and she told me last weekend some concerning things.
This nanny takes my nephew out 1 day a week to a toddler group. My nephew came home saying "Andy gone" ( not the persons name). My sister thought it was odd but realised it was the name of her nanny's husband. She questioned the nanny and apparently she got awkward and said " errrrr, yea maybe ben (not his name) did meet andy, i can't remember"
My sister was annoyed because she had not given permission for ben to be around anyone else. Also the fact the nanny didn't tell my Dsis sounds off. My Dsis also said she swears after the nanny had been out she looked like she was in different clothes, but she cannot be sure. Said the nanny lives within walking distance of this group.
My Dsis also has said this nanny will be on her phone when she is supposed to be looking after Ben and not engaging with him. This nanny is not young, so it is not lack of experience she over middle age.
The thing i'm most concerned about is that apparently my nephews behaviour has changed and he is being aggressive especially at his nursery.
Me and my DM have said to my Dsis to get rid of her. My Dsis agreed. Today i found out my Dsis is cutting this woman's days down to one but is still letting my nephew go out with her every other week!!!
Why would you do this when this woman has broken her trust and let some stranger see her son. The nanny tried to hide it by not telling my Dsis. In my eyes that would be the end of the working relationship.
I just don't get why she is still letting him go with her, I've even told her if she wants a break I will have my nephew.

OP posts:

Thereareliterallynonamesleft · 14/07/2021 17:35

It sounds very different from experiences I’ve had with childminders and their partners/family members, eg one childminder I had told me upfront her husband worked nights so would be in the house, but asleep, most of the day, would never be alone with the children and was DBS checked and was I ok with it. One time she had a hospital appointment and asked if I was ok with him looking after my daughter for an hour or so, all very transparent. My current childminder told me her husband is WFH due to the pandemic but in a different part of the house, might come into the kitchen occasionally, was that ok? But I agree with @strawberrydonuts that it might just be someone without proper safeguarding training etc who doesn’t realise how to approach this. I’m not sure what you can do though other than keep encouraging your sister to find someone else/find someone on childcare.co.uk or similar and suggest she switches to them.

MzHz · 14/07/2021 17:39

Well it’ll only be a matter of time before we see the post from the sister
“My family trying to call the shots with my ds childcare”

hidethesquirrelsnuts · 14/07/2021 17:40

@Blessedbethefruit01 you can make an anonymous referral to children's social care via the nspcc. Your nephew is living in a violent and abusive household. The quality of the nanny/her activities are concerns but far lower level than the domestic violence background. Your sister her husband and the child/ten need social care input and a full assessment which will also look at carers and contact with other adults.
You are anxious about the least significant issue in the mix here. Do your vulnerable nephew a favour and get the spotlight on these circumstances and continue to step up and offer to be a safe, positive person for this little boy

supersonicsue · 14/07/2021 17:43

Yes, they had to have a word with Dsis as nephew had actually hurt another child quite badly.

You have said their is violence between your sister and partner. This is most likely the reason he has been aggressive at nursery. And witnessing violence between his parents is FAR more of a safeguarding issue then anything you have said regarding the nanny. I am quite shocked you are quick to accuse the nanny and her boyfriend, yet stand by and allow the violence between your sister and her partner to continue...or rather stand by and do nothing about it. WOW. Just WOW.

whatinthenameofhen · 14/07/2021 17:46

Meeting the husband without prior consent is unacceptable. Covering this is even more suspect. Best case nothing untoward but trust broken. Get new nanny. Also he is lucky he has a caring family around him.

supersonicsue · 14/07/2021 17:47

If you are not prepared to do anything about the violence your nephew has witnessed between his parents, perhaps the nanny will. If the nursery doesn't report to CS first of course.

supersonicsue · 14/07/2021 17:49

Also he is lucky he has a caring family around him

Are you serious? A family that is aware of his parent's violence towards each other and do nothing about it. I don't consider that to be caring.

WorraLiberty · 14/07/2021 17:55

@Chikapu

I think there's red flags all over. She's not got references. They've moved areas. She's taken the child to her home and not mentioned it. The child has met an unknown man in a private space. It would be different if they met in the park, in full view of anyone and everyone. She's changed her clothes while at a house with an unknown man. That would have me questioning what they've been doing. And then the change in behaviour.

You've pretty much made all that up, there is no evidence to suggest any of that happened.

I know, I thought I'd stumbled into a creative writing class for a second

notalwaysalondoner · 14/07/2021 17:56

I’d give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she wasn’t honest about taking him to her home and meeting her partner as she knows she’s not supposed to do that sort of thing in work time and was found out. Just because she’s shifty about it doesn’t mean her partner is a child molestor for goodness sake… I think if you’ve raised your concerns there’s nothing else you can do, it’s your sister’s decision to make.

user27424799642256 · 14/07/2021 17:58

Ok, so your nephew is in an abusive home. You can't do anything about that (have you reported it?) so you're reacting to this situation instead and transferring all your emotions about the actual known abuse onto the nanny who hasn't been involved in any abuse.

They have both been physically violent towards each other in front of their children

Logically, and having read the further details you've added, this would be the obvious explanation for a child repeating violent or aggressive behaviour themselves. Especially if, as you say, this has been an ongoing situation throughout their development.

This is also a clear safeguarding issue and a pretty massive omission from your op.

Maybe it felt easier to project the issues onto the nanny - and the posters trying to say you might be overreacting to that situation - because she could be fired whereas your sister isn't able to address her abusive relationship?

Perhaps you owe the people you've called names an apology.

Original poster

Blessedbethefruit01 · 14/07/2021 17:59

@supersonicsue

If you are not prepared to do anything about the violence your nephew has witnessed between his parents, perhaps the nanny will. If the nursery doesn't report to CS first of course.

Christ, i never said i werent going to do anything did i!

OP posts:

Original poster

Blessedbethefruit01 · 14/07/2021 18:07

@user27424799642256

They have both been physically violent towards each other in front of their children

This is also a clear safeguarding issue and a pretty massive omission from your op.

Perhaps you owe the people you've called names an apology.

There has been no name calling but i will admit that yes maybe i have projected onto the nanny. She could have done nothing wrong but i still stand by my point that she should be transparent. Anyway yes the violence between my Dsis and her fiance is a bigger issue. I am not sitting here and doing nothing I love my nephew and would not anything to happen to him and i certainly would not want him to witness abusive parents. I know how that feels. I just feel helpless because i can report to SS but what will they do? I didnt witness it, my Dsis told my DM and she wont say anything to SS.

OP posts:

MrMeSeeks · 14/07/2021 18:14

Sorry, but you're more concerned about a nanny possibly changing her top than about your dsis and husband being violent towards each other?
Maybe that’s why there is a change and their child is violent
I think that is where your concern should be.

MarsandPluto · 14/07/2021 18:22

I would be quite concerned too OP . I wouldn't want my child to be taken to any setting that hasn't been approved by me beforehand. And any vague answers wouldnt cut ice with me either. "Maybe ben did meet andy" is not good enough an answer, he either did or didn't. Surely she'd remember if the child she is looking after has met her family members or not. The only thing I could think of is if Andy had brought one of their grandchildren to the toddler group and they met up there? But if this was the case, she could have just said that and not sounded dodgy. I'd have fired her for that.

peboh · 14/07/2021 18:29

I'm slightly more concerned that you're overly bothered about the nanny, but no the fact your nephews parents having been physically abusive in front of him? You're shouting that your sister isn't safeguarding him, and whilst I didn't see that with the nanny it's absolutely true with her and her partner. Why haven't you phoned social services?

supersonicsue · 14/07/2021 18:34

I wouldn't say my sister is the most sensible or her partner. They have both been physically violent towards each other in front of their children. There are many things I haven't agreed on but i have always been quiet

Christ, i never said i werent going to do anything did i!

You mention the first violent episode was when your nephew was a baby. Yet seemed proud in the post above that you have kept quiet about it. How long are you going to wait? Do you need any help to know who to contact? It will be much, much worse if the nursery or the nanny report it and it becomes known that family knew and kept quiet.

stellaisabella · 14/07/2021 18:45

Likelihood is she popped home to change where the child met her husband -
Throwing safeguarding about over issues that small and insignificant is a bit much is it not? I don't get what on earth the big deal is at all.

The behavioural change at nursery is very likely to do with the fact they've been physically violent to one another in front of their children - the fact you're convinced the nanny is to blame for that rather than the obvious that he's seen it at home is baffling. You should be more worried about your sisters parenting than the nanny.

Royalbloo · 14/07/2021 19:02

I'd be more invested in helping my sister leave an abusive relationship than worrying about the Nanny, personally.

glitterelf · 14/07/2021 19:04

Major red flags reading your posts and I don't understand why you haven't reported your sister and her partner considering your partners expertise. Children at that age often display unwanted behaviour towards others whilst struggling to communicate but they can also be displayed learnt behaviours from home.
I also find it extremely odd that you raised concerns with the nanny from what your sister had told you yet she's still kept the nanny on so could she be telling you the truth ?
I'm a childminder and a big part of that is taking children out and about we often bump into friends and family not only mine but the children's too. All of the children know my family too and in all the years I've been childminding it's never been an issue.

Original poster

Blessedbethefruit01 · 14/07/2021 19:16

@Royalbloo

I'd be more invested in helping my sister leave an abusive relationship than worrying about the Nanny, personally.

It's more my sister who is the violent one.

Who ever said I seemed proud about me keeping quiet. No I am not proud of anything! So I dont know where you got that from. Why would I be proud, what an odd thing to say

OP posts:

Royalbloo · 14/07/2021 19:18

It doesn't matter who is violent, it's a violent relationship and these situations damage children?! She's obviously not happy and maybe her DH needs protection (but their kid obviously does).

And I didn't say the word "proud"

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/07/2021 19:24

What if she nust met her partner/husband in the street? You don't know the child went to their home, even if they did for the nanny to change, I don't really see the problem. You r nephew I'd going to meet new people in his lifetime.
How do you know about the use of her phone?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/07/2021 19:25

So the child is living in an abusive home, but you are blaming the nanny for his change in behaviour at nursery? WTF!

MsTSwift · 14/07/2021 19:29

When I had a baby I spent time with a friends nanny who was excellent extremely professional and experienced. She had real concerns about another nanny and after much soul searching told the other nanny’s employer. The mum didn’t want to know 🙁

Pebbledashery · 14/07/2021 19:33

This thread has got to be the biggest drip feed ever. The nanny is not the issue here.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6