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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why is she not safeguarding her child?

136 replies

Blessedbethefruit01 · 14/07/2021 14:16

I've changed my username as this could be quite outing.

This is about my nephew who is almost 2. My Dsis hired a nanny a few months ago and she told me last weekend some concerning things.
This nanny takes my nephew out 1 day a week to a toddler group. My nephew came home saying "Andy gone" ( not the persons name). My sister thought it was odd but realised it was the name of her nanny's husband. She questioned the nanny and apparently she got awkward and said " errrrr, yea maybe ben (not his name) did meet andy, i can't remember"
My sister was annoyed because she had not given permission for ben to be around anyone else. Also the fact the nanny didn't tell my Dsis sounds off. My Dsis also said she swears after the nanny had been out she looked like she was in different clothes, but she cannot be sure. Said the nanny lives within walking distance of this group.
My Dsis also has said this nanny will be on her phone when she is supposed to be looking after Ben and not engaging with him. This nanny is not young, so it is not lack of experience she over middle age.
The thing i'm most concerned about is that apparently my nephews behaviour has changed and he is being aggressive especially at his nursery.
Me and my DM have said to my Dsis to get rid of her. My Dsis agreed. Today i found out my Dsis is cutting this woman's days down to one but is still letting my nephew go out with her every other week!!!
Why would you do this when this woman has broken her trust and let some stranger see her son. The nanny tried to hide it by not telling my Dsis. In my eyes that would be the end of the working relationship.
I just don't get why she is still letting him go with her, I've even told her if she wants a break I will have my nephew.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 14/07/2021 16:14

@butterpuffed

Everyone has assumed the nanny doesn't have references but OP said she doesn't think she does ~ big difference.

The aggression at nursery, OP, has the nursery mentioned this ?

Yep and OP's sister can't even be sure the Nanny changed clothes.

KateTheEighth · 14/07/2021 16:19

I sacked a nanny for lying about who she was spending time with when she was looking after my children. My kids were tiny so not able to tell me what was going on

I came home early one day and her boyfriend was there. She said he had dropped off her phone because she had left it at his flat the night before and she had offered him a cup of tea. I let that go even though he had clearly been there a while and certainly longer than it takes to have a cup of tea

A week or so later she said she was taking them to the beach to meet her friend who was also a nanny and who would have her charges with her. One of my friends saw her at the beach with her boyfriend and my children. Children asleep in the double buggy, nanny and boyfriend all over each other, ds2 came home with horendous suburn

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 14/07/2021 16:21

Is the nanny supposed to be caring for your nephew at your sister’s home with the baby only taking him to that toddler group?

Original poster

Blessedbethefruit01 · 14/07/2021 16:23

@Merryoldgoat

So my summary is:

Your sister has a new nanny
Nanny has no references
Nanny is supposedly taking child to toddler group but toddler talks about Nanny’s husband.
Nanny offers no plausible explanation about how toddler met husband.
Toddler has become aggressive for no discernible reason.

It sounds to me like instead of going to toddler group your nanny may have been taking him to her house instead.

Not necessarily an issue on its own but I would expect to be told. There is no reason to take him there. There is no reason for the child to meet her husband. That’s not to say he shouldn’t - the why is what’s important.

Eg. We were at toddler group. A baby vomited on me. We nipped to mine so I could change and husband met baby.

An easily explained incident.

I wouldn’t jump to the worst conclusion but I’d be concerned too.

Yes, this summary is put perfectly my thought process. The nanny provided no explanation as to why Ben had met her husband. Eg. ah we bumped into him, i quickly nipped home to change. Instead she got cagey and odd.

OP posts:

Chikapu · 14/07/2021 16:24

Can you explain what exactly you think has happened to your nephew that's made you so concerned?
Strangers are going to see your nephew all the time, some may even gasp interact with him.

Original poster

Blessedbethefruit01 · 14/07/2021 16:24

@RafaIsTheKingOfClay

If the nanny’s house is round the corner from the toddler group, I wouldn’t necessarily jump to the conclusion that the trip to the house was instead of the group. Most likely it was on the way there/back.

I’m pretty sure I’ve done similar and not mentioned it, whereas when I was planning to take the kids I was looking after round mine for the afternoon I’ve asked permission first.

Yes i was not saying she took him there instead. My Dsis knew he went to the group that day as she received pics. Just my Dsis noticed she was in different clothes and no explanation was given.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blessedbethefruit01 · 14/07/2021 16:26

@Ellmau

Is she actually a qualified nanny?

No references is a really big red flag. Please say she has been CRB/DBS checked...

I have no clue, my sister did not mention any references though or ringing up any or speaking to anyone. Think she said she has certificates but i mean anyone can print those off.

OP posts:

AnUnoriginalUsername · 14/07/2021 16:27

I completely agree with you but I don't know what you can do. He's too young for you to try to get him to tell you if anythings wrong.
When I found out my dog walker was bringing her boyfriend to walk my dog I sacked her, I can't imagine feeling differently concerning DS.

Sally872 · 14/07/2021 16:27

If my sister cancelled her nanny because she couldn't trust her then continued to allow nanny to take child out I would be involved too.

Sister "do you trust nanny or not? If not stop letting her take nephew"

Also when nanny takes him out is this paid or unpaid?

knittingaddict · 14/07/2021 16:27

It always happens. You get a few people with all this faux "I can't see what the issue is" stuff when it is glaringly obvious what the concerns are. I don't understand it either.

WorraLiberty · 14/07/2021 16:29

Just my Dsis noticed she was in different clothes and no explanation was given.

My Dsis also said she swears after the nanny had been out she looked like she was in different clothes, but she cannot be sure

Well if she can't be sure, then she might've been wrong, which is maybe why no explanation was given?

Original poster

Blessedbethefruit01 · 14/07/2021 16:30

@1forAll74

Surely your Sister has to weigh up all the circumstances surrounding the Nanny issues, and decide if things are ok or not. If your Sister is a caring and sensible woman, she can make her own decisions.

Well...... I wouldn't say my sister is the most sensible or her partner. They have both been physically violent towards each other in front of their children. There are many things I haven't agreed on but i have always been quiet but i think this is something i feel uneasy about.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blessedbethefruit01 · 14/07/2021 16:32

@butterpuffed

Everyone has assumed the nanny doesn't have references but OP said she doesn't think she does ~ big difference.

The aggression at nursery, OP, has the nursery mentioned this ?

Yes, they had to have a word with Dsis as nephew had actually hurt another child quite badly.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blessedbethefruit01 · 14/07/2021 16:35

@gillysSong

None of your business, why you sticking your trunk in? Someone will throw you a bun, if you aren't careful. Put your own house in order.

Great attitude to have

OP posts:

GrandmaSteglitszch · 14/07/2021 16:36

I have no clue, my sister did not mention any references though or ringing up any or speaking to anyone.
Think she said she has certificates but i mean anyone can print those off.

Could you or your mother ask her about this?

What has your sister said when you offered to look after your nephew, because of your concern re the nanny?

implantsandaDyson · 14/07/2021 16:36

I wouldn't say my sister is the most sensible or her partner. They have both been physically violent towards each other in front of their children

I think you should worry more about your sister and her husband and their violence in the home than whether a nanny may have nipped home to change her top.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 14/07/2021 16:36

So you are worried about a Nanny who may or may not have changed clothes, and may or may not have seen her husband with the child present, but seemingly not worried about said child witnessing his parents being violent?

Royalbloo · 14/07/2021 16:37

Wow OP.

This I would have called SS about, but it seems you think this is less damaging?

They have both been physically violent towards each other in front of their children.

starfishmummy · 14/07/2021 16:37

@WorraLiberty

Just my Dsis noticed she was in different clothes and no explanation was given.

My Dsis also said she swears after the nanny had been out she looked like she was in different clothes, but she cannot be sure

Well if she can't be sure, then she might've been wrong, which is maybe why no explanation was given?

This is what I was thinking too. Or Nanny just put an extra layer on or took one off. And even if she did change why would she need to explain to her employer?

Original poster

Blessedbethefruit01 · 14/07/2021 16:39

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Is the nanny supposed to be caring for your nephew at your sister’s home with the baby only taking him to that toddler group?

So nanny looks after him at home with Dsis most of the time but this one day she takes him to this toddler group. Nanny suggested to take him to a group and this particular group that her daughter and grand daughter also goes to also.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blessedbethefruit01 · 14/07/2021 16:42

@knittingaddict

It always happens. You get a few people with all this faux "I can't see what the issue is" stuff when it is glaringly obvious what the concerns are. I don't understand it either.

Yes agree with this. Some people are very ignorant and naive

OP posts:

sweeneytoddsrazor · 14/07/2021 16:42

Yes, they had to have a word with Dsis as nephew had actually hurt another child quite badly.

Oh well I wonder where he learned this from 🤔

Merryoldgoat · 14/07/2021 16:42

I wouldn't say my sister is the most sensible or her partner. They have both been physically violent towards each other in front of their children

This is more likely why he’s become aggressive at nursery.

Original poster

Blessedbethefruit01 · 14/07/2021 16:44

@Royalbloo

Wow OP.

This I would have called SS about, but it seems you think this is less damaging?

They have both been physically violent towards each other in front of their children.

Yes i think this is damaging and concerning too!! This is a separate issue im trying to figure out too. I really do feel sorry for my nephew. I know my Dsis loves him to pieces but her actions sometimes and choices just leave me baffled.

OP posts:

butterpuffed · 14/07/2021 16:44

Well...... I wouldn't say my sister is the most sensible or her partner. They have both been physically violent towards each other in front of their children

And you're assuming that your nephew has started being aggressive due to the nanny.

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