Why is she not safeguarding her child?

[Blessedbethefruit01]

I've changed my username as this could be quite outing.

This is about my nephew who is almost 2. My Dsis hired a nanny a few months ago and she told me last weekend some concerning things.
This nanny takes my nephew out 1 day a week to a toddler group. My nephew came home saying "Andy gone" ( not the persons name). My sister thought it was odd but realised it was the name of her nanny's husband. She questioned the nanny and apparently she got awkward and said " errrrr, yea maybe ben (not his name) did meet andy, i can't remember"
My sister was annoyed because she had not given permission for ben to be around anyone else. Also the fact the nanny didn't tell my Dsis sounds off. My Dsis also said she swears after the nanny had been out she looked like she was in different clothes, but she cannot be sure. Said the nanny lives within walking distance of this group.
My Dsis also has said this nanny will be on her phone when she is supposed to be looking after Ben and not engaging with him. This nanny is not young, so it is not lack of experience she over middle age.
The thing i'm most concerned about is that apparently my nephews behaviour has changed and he is being aggressive especially at his nursery.
Me and my DM have said to my Dsis to get rid of her. My Dsis agreed. Today i found out my Dsis is cutting this woman's days down to one but is still letting my nephew go out with her every other week!!!
Why would you do this when this woman has broken her trust and let some stranger see her son. The nanny tried to hide it by not telling my Dsis. In my eyes that would be the end of the working relationship.
I just don't get why she is still letting him go with her, I've even told her if she wants a break I will have my nephew.

So the child met the nanny’s husband. You know that she left him in his care do you? That he was left alone with this husband?

TBH this all sounds far too hysterical.

This child is going to meet strangers your sister has never met. At the baby group, at the park, at the shops. And maybe the nanny saw the husband when out, or maybe he dropped something round, or maybe she dropped by her house to collect something.

It is not realistic to say that someone else looking after a child should never introduce that child to someone the parent hasn’t met. If the parent wants to vet every single person who comes into contact with their child then they should give up work and parent them themselves.

Someone at the baby group could be equally abusive, do you think your sister’s nanny taking a child to a baby group is putting him in potentially abusive situations?

As for his behaviour, he’s 2. 2 year olds are challenging creatures, also if he’s only just started nursery then he may just be finding his feet, or even learning from another child.

You need to calm down and stop reading abuse or safeguarding into every situation.

Child safeguarding and protecting vulnerable people is everyone’s business and responsibility. So you are not wrong for being concerned. I am not sure how to proceed but your concerns are valid and I think perhaps another conversation with your sister may be helpful?

@Zombielandand

Child safeguarding and protecting vulnerable people is everyone’s business and responsibility. So you are not wrong for being concerned. I am not sure how to proceed but your concerns are valid and I think perhaps another conversation with your sister may be helpful?

THANK YOU!!!

Cannot believe it has taken 4 PAGES for someone to finally say this.

Well...... I wouldn't say my sister is the most sensible or her partner. They have both been physically violent towards each other in front of their children. There are many things I haven't agreed on but i have always been quiet but i think this is something i feel uneasy about.

Wow that's quite the drip feed! So you've remained quiet about this actual violence in front of the kids, but you're going all guns blazing for the nanny being 'a bit odd' over taking your nephew to her house and all of the possible evil this MIGHT have involved? Can't help feeling you're projecting your concerns over your sister onto the soft target of the nanny here, when there are bigger problems you should be tackling? If you know your nephew has witnessed violence regularly - that's probably why he's being aggressive at nursery surely?

I wish you and your family well and I hope that you can help your sister to ensure her kids are safe and happy

I would be concerned too. Does this nanny have a DBS check, training, any professional certificates at all?

Maybe talk to your sister about the importance of hiring a registered nanny with references and ideally qualifications.

I will also say, there is nothing wrong with being a concerned family member, but don't go throwing accusations around as the nanny hasn't actually done anything that has harmed your nephew. It was obviously irresponsible of her to introduce the child to her partner, but my feeling is she is probably simply not qualified and doesn't have a professional outlook on all of this, so it's inexperience/ lack of knowledge rather than anything more sinister.

Still, it is obviously important to have a professional registered nanny for your nephew rather than some random person, so it's important to have that conversation with your sister and make sure she is aware of the risks of not doing so.

Also echoing the previous poster who said child safeguarding is everyone's responsibility, so it is definitely well within your role to be involved in this if you are concerned.

There hasn't been a severe safeguarding issue or any harm to your nephew though, so just proceed with caution and talk to your sister. It is up to her who she hires to look after her child, and she may have every reason to trust this nanny.

If you think the nanny is not really a nanny then you need to inform your sister and tell her how important it is to hire a real professional and why. Maybe find some links/ resources for her to look at to back this up.

At the end of the day you both want your nephew to be safe so you're on the same side. It's about communication.

@butterpuffed

Well...... I wouldn't say my sister is the most sensible or her partner. They have both been physically violent towards each other in front of their children

And you're assuming that your nephew has started being aggressive due to the nanny.

I know, it's weird that the OP has completely missed the most obvious reason.

That’s quite a drip feed there, OP.

@SmidgenofaPigeon

But nothing has actually happened. What do you actually think you should do? Call the police?

How do you know? For all anyone knows, the husband is a paedo and the nanny is taking the kid to her home, not the group.

She has the pictures to show he was at the group.

I think the fact the parents are violent is far more of an issue than the nanny.

At least while the child is with the nanny he’s not being subjected to seeing his parents’ violence.

Seriously, the person who needs reporting is the parent, to social services.

If the authorities knew the sister and her DH were in a violent relationship SS would be involved.

But let’s deflect on to the nanny shall we?

Bizarre.

How do you know? For all anyone knows, the husband is a paedo and the nanny is taking the kid to her home, not the group. or more likely the sister and her husband are not only beating the crap out of each other but the kids as well.

And he’s mirroring the behaviour he sees at home at nursery.

You have actually no idea if she took him to her house or not, you are just assuming she did because she said she can't remember if the child has met her husband or not. If they live close by its not impossible she may bump into him occasionally. Its not impossible a child at the group has the same name as her husband. All these weird assumptions whilst ignoring the real and known safeguarding issue of violence in the home.

There's no evidence she met up with husband specifically in her home; could have been unintended meeting on street or planned meeting in a crackden. Anyway, I agree leave it with the people who have the relationship of employer-employee.

I think there's red flags all over. She's not got references. They've moved areas. She's taken the child to her home and not mentioned it. The child has met an unknown man in a private space. It would be different if they met in the park, in full view of anyone and everyone. She's changed her clothes while at a house with an unknown man. That would have me questioning what they've been doing. And then the change in behaviour.

It could be innocent, she could gave spilled something all over her at the group, gone home, got changed and the husband was in (in which case why not mention it?).

But it might not be.

I think you are trying to process all the issues regarding your nephew and perhaps due to your sisters behaviour you don't trust her to make good parenting choices including this nanny.
I personally think the nanny issue is secondary to the violence and aggression that is going on more at home and perhaps this should be your first focus.
The aggression your nephew displays is more
Likely to be from the actual aggression he witnesses/ hears at home than the fact that the nanny has been around her husband with him.. there is no proof anything untoward has happened whereas there is definitely proof that he is from a violent home which is much more likely to be where the aggression comes from ( learnt behaviour)
I know your concern is with your nephew which is lovely to see but perhaps your projecting his issues onto the nanny as she is an " easier rather for won't of a better word" than your sister.

@3Britnee they weren't sure she had changed clothes. The only definite is the violence. This is what needs addressing not vague maybes

Stay involved!
I certainly would if it were my nephew.

You’re right to be concerned. I would keep pushing this with your sister until she drops the unsafe, dishonest, no-references nanny. Shocking.

Frankly I'd have to be really stuck to leave my child with someone I didn't trust in the first place.

Surely with this level of worry, your sister would be better sending her child to a registered childminder or a nursery.

As for a toddler changing, that is what toddlers do, all the time, so I don't think that is a suitable measure

Do you feel comfortable that everyone was talking about the same Andy?

@LondonElle

I think you are trying to process all the issues regarding your nephew and perhaps due to your sisters behaviour you don't trust her to make good parenting choices including this nanny. I personally think the nanny issue is secondary to the violence and aggression that is going on more at home and perhaps this should be your first focus. The aggression your nephew displays is more Likely to be from the actual aggression he witnesses/ hears at home than the fact that the nanny has been around her husband with him.. there is no proof anything untoward has happened whereas there is definitely proof that he is from a violent home which is much more likely to be where the aggression comes from ( learnt behaviour) I know your concern is with your nephew which is lovely to see but perhaps your projecting his issues onto the nanny as she is an " easier rather for won't of a better word" than your sister.

Yes I think you are right. I probably am being harsh on the nanny it could all be very innocent and you're right about maybe projecting. My Dsis doesn't actually know I know about the violence. I only know of 2 times but who knows what else has happened. I know the 1st my nephew was there any a baby not sure on the 2nd. Still no excuse though. I know she has issues and it makes me so sad to see her repeating my parents relationship that me and her witnessed growing up. I am not a perfect parent but I promised I would never behave the way my parents did. I have actively done that. Where as she hasn't. I just want to shout at her and saying what you're doing is damaging and your decision making is poor! She can be selfish at times too. Agh it's all a bit of a mess really

You are also just assuming the Nanny has no references, you actually don't know. This sounds more and more like Nanny is entirely blameless whilst sister isn't. And if your partner is genuinely a safeguarding leader he would be telling you to report your sisters behaviour

I’m a nanny, my friends husband was working near the park and came to say hi one day. I really don’t see the issue.

She is a nanny too

I think there's red flags all over. She's not got references. They've moved areas. She's taken the child to her home and not mentioned it. The child has met an unknown man in a private space. It would be different if they met in the park, in full view of anyone and everyone. She's changed her clothes while at a house with an unknown man. That would have me questioning what they've been doing. And then the change in behaviour.

You've pretty much made all that up, there is no evidence to suggest any of that happened.