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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why is she not safeguarding her child?

136 replies

Blessedbethefruit01 · 14/07/2021 14:16

I've changed my username as this could be quite outing.

This is about my nephew who is almost 2. My Dsis hired a nanny a few months ago and she told me last weekend some concerning things.
This nanny takes my nephew out 1 day a week to a toddler group. My nephew came home saying "Andy gone" ( not the persons name). My sister thought it was odd but realised it was the name of her nanny's husband. She questioned the nanny and apparently she got awkward and said " errrrr, yea maybe ben (not his name) did meet andy, i can't remember"
My sister was annoyed because she had not given permission for ben to be around anyone else. Also the fact the nanny didn't tell my Dsis sounds off. My Dsis also said she swears after the nanny had been out she looked like she was in different clothes, but she cannot be sure. Said the nanny lives within walking distance of this group.
My Dsis also has said this nanny will be on her phone when she is supposed to be looking after Ben and not engaging with him. This nanny is not young, so it is not lack of experience she over middle age.
The thing i'm most concerned about is that apparently my nephews behaviour has changed and he is being aggressive especially at his nursery.
Me and my DM have said to my Dsis to get rid of her. My Dsis agreed. Today i found out my Dsis is cutting this woman's days down to one but is still letting my nephew go out with her every other week!!!
Why would you do this when this woman has broken her trust and let some stranger see her son. The nanny tried to hide it by not telling my Dsis. In my eyes that would be the end of the working relationship.
I just don't get why she is still letting him go with her, I've even told her if she wants a break I will have my nephew.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 14/07/2021 15:07

Yeah, totally 'ignorant to the world' having spent 52 years living in it 😂

Look, some people have thoughts and opinions that differ to yours and they make their own risk assessments accordingly.

This is what your sister has done.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 14/07/2021 15:11

But being transparent doesn’t necessarily mean saying every single thing.

The references is a red flag, but should have been a red flag before she started, the bumping into her husband or nipping home when she’s nearby, not so much.

sillysmiles · 14/07/2021 15:16

Today i found out my Dsis is cutting this woman's days down to one but is still letting my nephew go out with her every other week!!!
Why would you do this when this woman has broken her trust and let some stranger see her son.

I'm guessing because she needs the childcare. And it's fair enough to have your concerns, and he is family, but you need to offer helpful practical suggestions - between myself and DM we'll cover DN's care until you can get another nanny. Piling on her is probably not helping if she is already feeling concerned.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 14/07/2021 15:20

I’m a very, very overprotective parent but even I’m struggling here…

What are the main concerns?

Could you simply bullet point them and the reason for the concern?

Is it not possible that the husband went to the playgroup with them? Or they all went to the park together?

What’s the difference between the husband being there and other dad’s at the playgroup/ park?

Is it not possible that the child minder spilt something down her top so quickly went to change?

Am I being completely stupid here?

snoobydoo · 14/07/2021 15:22

i think you are hundrend percent right but what your sister says for this concerns? and of the day her child? it is for me big no to see someone else and not mentioning to mum. i worked for a nanny with multiple families in the past you cant do this type things.

sillysmiles · 14/07/2021 15:24

What was the concern about her wearing different clothes? I didn't understand that bit

I'm guessing that the thought is, that instead of taking the child to playgroup, she took him to her home, where he met her husband and potentially others.

But equally the kid could have split something yuck on her, so she swung by home to change.

Ultimately no one knows, and unfortunately your mind off going to worse case scenarios.

Pebbledashery · 14/07/2021 15:27

Is it possible she could have just bumped into her husband if she lives locally to this group??
You are right to be concerned, but what do you believe is the connection with her taking your nephew to meet this husband and him being aggressive at nursery?
I would be concerned too, but I also know that children can change like the wind! - my daughter will be the loveliest little girl then the next day at Nursery she's bitten someone or snatched a toy off someone and sometimes has been described as "aggressive"
What do you think the connection is?

TiredButDancing · 14/07/2021 15:29

If your sister has made it clear that the nanny should not be introducing the child to her husband, then a) the nanny probably thinks your sister is bonkers and b) would explain why she was cagey if they did meet up with him.

I've never understood people who hire a nanny and then get so restrictive on what the nanny can and can't do. You trust this person with your child so really, you can't get upset because they popped home with your child at lunch time and the child met their partner. It's bizarre.

Merryoldgoat · 14/07/2021 15:30

So my summary is:

Your sister has a new nanny
Nanny has no references
Nanny is supposedly taking child to toddler group but toddler talks about Nanny’s husband.
Nanny offers no plausible explanation about how toddler met husband.
Toddler has become aggressive for no discernible reason.

It sounds to me like instead of going to toddler group your nanny may have been taking him to her house instead.

Not necessarily an issue on its own but I would expect to be told. There is no reason to take him there. There is no reason for the child to meet her husband. That’s not to say he shouldn’t - the why is what’s important.

Eg. We were at toddler group. A baby vomited on me. We nipped to mine so I could change and husband met baby.

An easily explained incident.

I wouldn’t jump to the worst conclusion but I’d be concerned too.

Pebbledashery · 14/07/2021 15:37

@Merryoldgoat

So my summary is:

It sounds to me like instead of going to toddler group your nanny may have been taking him to her house instead.

Eg. We were at toddler group. A baby vomited on me. We nipped to mine so I could change and husband met baby.

An easily explained incident.

I wouldn’t jump to the worst conclusion but I’d be concerned too.

Stunning summarisation skills :)

user27424799642256 · 14/07/2021 15:37

Sorry, are you basically accusing this nanny of delivering your nephew to her husband for him to abuse?

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 14/07/2021 15:39

If the nanny’s house is round the corner from the toddler group, I wouldn’t necessarily jump to the conclusion that the trip to the house was instead of the group. Most likely it was on the way there/back.

I’m pretty sure I’ve done similar and not mentioned it, whereas when I was planning to take the kids I was looking after round mine for the afternoon I’ve asked permission first.

Merryoldgoat · 14/07/2021 15:40

@Pebbledashery

thefirstmrsrochester · 14/07/2021 15:41

Today 15:39 RafaIsTheKingOfClay

From reading the OP this is the scenario which came to mind too.

Ellmau · 14/07/2021 15:41

Is she actually a qualified nanny?

No references is a really big red flag. Please say she has been CRB/DBS checked...

Anonymous48 · 14/07/2021 15:45

"I don't understand what the issue with the nanny taking the child out and meeting people is.

She was suppose to take him to a baby group, not meet up with her husband who my Dsis has never met. It's the not telling my sister and acting odd when put on the spot that is concerning. Obviously if the nanny spoke to someone at the baby group thats hardly concerning."

TBH I found your original post kind of confusing to read. I thought you were upset that the nanny had met up with her husband while taking care of your nephew. To me that doesn't seem the slightest bit strange. I would hope that your sister trusts her nanny without micromanaging how she spends her time when caring for her son.

Acting odd when put on the spot about it is a little strange though, but maybe the nanny was confused about why she was being questioned about it?

diddl · 14/07/2021 15:45

I think it's odd that the nanny didn't know whether or not "Ben" had met her husband.

When I was nannying we happened to meet my mum in the park, fed the ducks & all had an ice cream.

I didn't think to tell the mum, but the boys did, so I was able to explain it & that of course I had been looking after the boys the whole time.

Kokosrieksts · 14/07/2021 15:52

Not saying you shouldn’t have concerns, but toddlers change very quickly and go through all sorts of stages - angry, throwing tantrums, shy, not liking strangers etc.

1forAll74 · 14/07/2021 15:52

Surely your Sister has to weigh up all the circumstances surrounding the Nanny issues, and decide if things are ok or not. If your Sister is a caring and sensible woman, she can make her own decisions.

melj1213 · 14/07/2021 15:57

@RafaIsTheKingOfClay

I’m pretty sure I’ve done similar and not mentioned it, whereas when I was planning to take the kids I was looking after round mine for the afternoon I’ve asked permission first.

This.

Since the group and the nanny's home are close I can imagine something like a cup of coffee/juice etc being spilled so nanny thinks nothing of popping home on the way back to change and her husband is at home.

Instead of having to wrangle the child while getting changed she asks her husband to watch him (I wouldn't want to leave a child unattended in my home but I equally wouldn't want to be getting changed in front of someone else's child) and maybe takes the opportunity to get changed, nip to the loo, refresh deoderant or make up/brush teeth etc and is gone for 5-10 minutes, at which point the husband and child are playing happily. So when nanny returns child doesn't want to leave as they are having a great time exploring a new place and so they have to say bye bye and leave.

She thinks nothing of it until the child mentions her husband and then she is made to feel awkward, as though she has been caught actively lying, but by which point she feels that the mother is judging her and so doesn't want to be totally honest in case she is accused of lying or being irresponsible etc.

zoeydollie · 14/07/2021 16:02

The complaint about the nanny going home/meeting her husband sounds a little petty.

However, it does sound a bit weird that your sister didn't bother doing any background checks before hiring her? Though you'd be surprised how many parents don't bother checking references!

Pebbledashery · 14/07/2021 16:06

I am not saying you shouldn't be concerned.
But you do sound like you're putting 2 and 2 together and getting 1,957

Roomonb · 14/07/2021 16:09

I’d be concerned about this. If I leave my child in someone elses care I’d like to know where they are and who they are in contact with. If the nanny had said “toddler group is near my house so I nipped home to pick up x” I would be fine with that however lying about it would really worry me.

I remember threads where someones MIL has taken a baby for a walk and then disappeared off to their mates house and it was all “go NC, never leave your child with her again”. I would have thought this would be way worse.

butterpuffed · 14/07/2021 16:11

Everyone has assumed the nanny doesn't have references but OP said she doesn't think she does ~ big difference.

The aggression at nursery, OP, has the nursery mentioned this ?

gillysSong · 14/07/2021 16:12

None of your business, why you sticking your trunk in?
Someone will throw you a bun, if you aren't careful. Put your own house in order.

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