To Change DDs Bed When She's Away ...

[SingingInTheShithouse]

As in get rid of a single bed & swap for a double, not change the bedding

She's 18, wants a double, we have one that was meant to go into what would be her new attic room when it was done, but Covid hit, putting a stop to that work for now.

We have an extremely difficult relationship of late & she'll argue blacks white against suggestion I make, seemingly just for the hell of it.

Moving the double into her room & giving the single with attached sleepover bed away would free up a lot of space & massively help us with getting on with some of the work in the attic.

It will mean losing a chest of drawers, but these are to go anyway, as they are a bit flimsy for heavy adult use. She's raging about this, no amount of explaining that she'll have under bed drawers instead makes up for it.

She's insisting that we remove a built in table & attached dressing table instead. This is a complete pain, will mean redecorating & it's also perfect sewing & craft table for what will become my workroom, when she moves to the attic.

So we really don't want to do that, especially as it's likely to be damaged by ripping it out & then stored taking up space we need to move things around so we can renovate her room & bathroom. but she will not budge. Because of the way she can be with me lately, against anything I say or do, this feels deliberately awkward because she knows the table will become a work table for me. It's hard to explain, but she's generally very difficult & very often nasty towards me & I can barely speak to her without being accused of abuse & saying no has her raging at me & trying to stir trouble with her dad. Possible ASD, but after asking or assessment, she stopped the GP backed referral at 17, so not diagnosed, though does have other probably irrelevant health problems

She's often at her BFs, & I'm of a mind that we swap to the double she does actually want & get rid of her singles whilst she's not her. It will help with space a lot & should only be temporary now we can get tradesmen in again & recycle other rubbish.

AIBU to just do it when she's not here ?

Genuinely not sure, but also really stumped by her stubborn assed behaviour that stops her getting what she wants, unless it's done exactly as she says

Oh & she uses the table & dressing table every day

YABU

Her bedroom so she gets a say in what goes in it and what doesn’t.

We have an extremely difficult relationship of late & she'll argue blacks white against suggestion I make, seemingly just for the hell of it.

I would want to work towards repairing this, not antagonising her. I see all your points as to why you should, but it will only serve to widen the gap between you.

YANBU. Your house. She won't live there forever.

I'd think sod her, sell/give away the double and let her continue to sleep in the single. I wouldn't be bending over backwards for someone who was treating me like shit

Oh gosh, I think your title should be "what the jeff do we do with our rude PITA DD?"

So you have talked to her about changing the bed and she has put her foot down. I'd be tempted to tell her there is no where to store the double anymore so you are selling it. If in the future she would like a double bed she will have to pay for it herself.

No you will not be removing built in furniture from YOUR house.

If he doesn't like it then she needs to move out get a place of her own and be in charge of what furniture etc.

Don't do it while she's away without her agreement.

That's her personal space you'd be invading and would be very unsettling for her.

It would do nothing to help your relationship either.

Let her keep the single if she's going to be a brat about it.

I totally agree with that toast it breaks my heart everyday, but so far no help available & though she blames us for no counselling, she won't help us get counselling for her either & at this age, we have no say. She has been through a lot medically & I've had to be there & then some for her meaning we were exceptionally close. I'm told this often happens when teens are growing up & finding their adult feet

I guess my thinking is, things can't be any worse atm & in the medium run, this will mean we can finish the room she actually wants, with the new bed she really wants. It's really difficult otherwise

Yanbu. Your house your rules. Plus it’s your money you are spending. Her being rude doesn’t mean she gets to negate all that.
She’s old enough to start paying her way either at home (however nominal an amount) or by living elsewhere, no matter what other things are going on in her life.

There is an alternative though - you leave her as is in that room with the single bed etc.

Do the attic up as your space instead?!

Thanks for the replies

We bought the double bed when work started on the attic as we didn't expect to have to stop. We'll need it when she leaves for Uni in a year or so anyway as well rent out the attic room on AirBnB so we can help her through Uni

I know she sounds like a brat & she does treat me like shit, but it's not as straightforward as that. I wish it was, as that would be a hell of a lot easier to deal with

Your house, your rules. So. I would do it, if she dies t like it at 18 she can always leave home

Or as Bargebill 19 says leave her in that room and you have the new room

You're bending over backwards to create a better room for her and she's argumentative and rude? Sod that. Tell her she can keep the single bed until she moves out.

In reply to some points

Attic room is a whole floor with bathroom & will have a kitchenette,, so makes far more sense for her to be up there & it to be AirBnB later. especially as I'm an antisocial cow & would want any guests in their own space Plus I'm disabled & the attic stairs don't like me. Her current room is smaller & makes more sense as a workroom

That’s still her room at the moment so yabu to change it while she’s out. I would be giving her the option of having the double bed now or keeping the single forever though

I actually think part of the problem is she can't visualise the bed in her current room in the way we suggest, but she's too bloody stubborn to let me mark it out in her room & show her it's fine

Especially daft when her BF often stays & she's then dragging out the sleep over bed, which is then a much bigger bed than the double 🤦‍♀️

Ah sorry to hear that op - really thought it was a good idea !
So, you’ve had to put it off due to covid - put it off for another year and save ££S as I’m
Sure costs have/will increase and do it once she’s gone. Meanwhile she live with the single bed in a room left as it currently is.
She needs to learn sharpish that her attitude does have very real consequences, other people won’t give her the allowances you have done.

I wouldn't do it while she's not there.
But I would give her 2 choices. First choice being no change. Second choice being your suggestion. Just say no to removing the table, not up for negotiation.

Frankly putting up the guest bed inconveniences her, not you.

YABU

Her bedroom so she gets a say in what goes in it and what doesn’t.

^Totally agree when it's her house and she pays mortgage/bills. As it's not she gets what she's given which sounds grand anyway.

OP YANBU and having had a teenage daughter I feel your pain. They do come out the other side though so hang in there

We've tried the giving her 2 choices, our way, or stay as it is thing & that went down like a lead balloon. She was raging & went into full on banging her head on the wall melt down

Ideally we also need the room done before she leaves for Uni, so we can earn from it, so we can afford to help her better. Initially she was meant to go to a local and bloody better Uni, but suddenly changed her mind.🤦‍♀️

I think if possible you should avoid ding it while she is not there - I think it will make your relationship worse, as she will view it as 'doing it behind her back'. But I sympathise with your situation - it must be incredibly frustrating.

I'm not sure how you get round the problem though. I imagine if she does have ASD that this will be a big part of her inflexibility. Friends of mine with ASD find change very hard, overwhelming and panic inducing. Obviously that's not an excuse for her to be rude and aggressive towards you, that is completely unacceptable.

Are the single bed and the chest of drawer in sellable condition ? Would she be open to trying to get a few quid for them on FB and maybe she could have the money to buy something for her room - a new duvet set or a lamp or something ?

Is BF 'boyfriend' or 'best friend' (I never know !) could they be roped in to persuading her that a double bed would be better for her, perhaps she would be less inflexible if the suggestion came from an outside source ?

@SingingInTheShithouse

We've tried the giving her 2 choices, our way, or stay as it is thing & that went down like a lead balloon. She was raging & went into full on banging her head on the wall melt down

Ideally we also need the room done before she leaves for Uni, so we can earn from it, so we can afford to help her better. Initially she was meant to go to a local and bloody better Uni, but suddenly changed her mind.🤦‍♀️

She really banged her head against the wall @SingingInTheShithouse

She really banged her head against the wall

Unfortunately yes, we had to get a pillow between her and the wall. It's not something she's done often thankfully & is usually a sign she's really struggling with something else & lashing out where she feels safe, but it's scary to see & fits with ASD I'm told