To Change DDs Bed When She's Away ...

[SingingInTheShithouse]

As in get rid of a single bed & swap for a double, not change the bedding

She's 18, wants a double, we have one that was meant to go into what would be her new attic room when it was done, but Covid hit, putting a stop to that work for now.

We have an extremely difficult relationship of late & she'll argue blacks white against suggestion I make, seemingly just for the hell of it.

Moving the double into her room & giving the single with attached sleepover bed away would free up a lot of space & massively help us with getting on with some of the work in the attic.

It will mean losing a chest of drawers, but these are to go anyway, as they are a bit flimsy for heavy adult use. She's raging about this, no amount of explaining that she'll have under bed drawers instead makes up for it.

She's insisting that we remove a built in table & attached dressing table instead. This is a complete pain, will mean redecorating & it's also perfect sewing & craft table for what will become my workroom, when she moves to the attic.

So we really don't want to do that, especially as it's likely to be damaged by ripping it out & then stored taking up space we need to move things around so we can renovate her room & bathroom. but she will not budge. Because of the way she can be with me lately, against anything I say or do, this feels deliberately awkward because she knows the table will become a work table for me. It's hard to explain, but she's generally very difficult & very often nasty towards me & I can barely speak to her without being accused of abuse & saying no has her raging at me & trying to stir trouble with her dad. Possible ASD, but after asking or assessment, she stopped the GP backed referral at 17, so not diagnosed, though does have other probably irrelevant health problems

She's often at her BFs, & I'm of a mind that we swap to the double she does actually want & get rid of her singles whilst she's not her. It will help with space a lot & should only be temporary now we can get tradesmen in again & recycle other rubbish.

AIBU to just do it when she's not here ?

Genuinely not sure, but also really stumped by her stubborn assed behaviour that stops her getting what she wants, unless it's done exactly as she says

If she’s always raving at you and only you - them you’ve done a brilliant job as a parent. She obviously feels very safe and secure with you and knows you will always love and support her. Which is bloody brilliant!!

Thanks @Bargebill19, this hard faced mare is welling up here. I needed to hear that as it's hard to keep that in mind

We are going to try with the boyfriend 🤞🤞

Unfortunately the other 2 adults she would have spoken freely with listened to, are no longer with us, we lost them within a few months of each other a couple of years ago, which is something else that traumatised her too

She's quite close to one of her godfathers, but won't talk on the phone & he's CEV to Covid, so won't be visiting for some time

Two things
1- yes things can go worse than they are
2- it’s her bedroom. You need to let her organise it the way she wants. She wants to get rid of the table she uses everyday? Fine. HER choice and you need to respect it.

How is it stopping you doing the loft

Space to move stuff around & plaster etc

I’d leave the bf out of all that tbh.

Imagine your FIL going to speak to your DH because he thinks that what you are doing in your own isn’t right…

In that case your Dh needs to take the boyfriend for a drive, explain what you need to ideally achieve and if necessary bribe him into being the mediator!

@SingingInTheShithouse

How is it stopping you doing the loft

Space to move stuff around & plaster etc

The I would have asked her for her help. What does she think she can do? Could she maybe do A and B? Basically treating her like an adult rather than a child.

Fine. HER choice and you need to respect it.

No that isn't her choice when we put a lot of time, effort & money into having it specially built for her room & as she wanted it at the time. She also won't be here a lot longer & I need that as a work space & it can't be removed from the room without damaging it & walls. It's a whole built in unit, table, shelving etc & she needs it to work on herself

Basically treating her like an adult rather than a child.

@MyriadeOfThings we've tried that suggestion & unfortunately she basically responds like a toddler

In that case your Dh needs to take the boyfriend for a drive, explain what you need to ideally achieve and if necessary bribe him into being the mediator!

This is now the plan @Bargebill19 🤞🤞🤞🤞he can get through. We've literally tried everything else. DH talks to her about it instead of me, but her response to him now is "I'm not listening to you trying to justify her nonsense* so bar another adult trying, we've hit a brick wall

Gosh some of the posters here need to notice that the DD is likely ASD, and OP the more you say the more likely it sounds to me.

Have you read up much around girls with autism? There's a great book I often recommend to parent's to help get some awareness called "Can you see me?" It's written from the perspective of a I think a 12 year old, so younger than your DD but it is fantastic at explaining both the child and parent's perspective.

Also AutismUK have a great website and resources and some really good courses (introduction to autism would be good, and the autism for girls explains some of the differences but is more geared to diagnosing) but these are paid for.

If she is autistic she has a disability and will find somethings a real struggle. Some of the posters who say "she just has to get on with it" arent understanding the disability (would you say to a wheelchair user "just go up the steps?!")

Meltdowns to the extent of bashing her head suggest she is really struggling and if you wanted you could do the work around looking at her triggers and putting some things in place to support that. Meltdowns are when things are so overwhelming that is the only way they can cope and are showing that an autistic person is in quite severe distress. Think about how you might help someone after an epileptic fit - you wouldn't criticise them but give them a quiet place to calm down and see if they are okay etc. Not a perfect comparision but to give you an idea of the suppor they might need.

Wrt to the room - this will be hugely hugely stressful. Her room is the one place she has control and can feel safe so it is even more important that changes aren't forced upon her. It's really hard to explain how distressing change is and even more so change to something that is safe.

Seperately think it could really help your relationship with her if you could take sometime to understand autism (especially in girls) and work out how better to support her.

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

I'd think sod her, sell/give away the double and let her continue to sleep in the single. I wouldn't be bending over backwards for someone who was treating me like shit

This.

The double can go and she can sort her own.

Crossposted with a few more people.

Wow "acting like a toddler"/ bribing her into things really isn't showing an understanding of how difficult she is likely finding life. I really feel for her.

Maybe post again on the Special needs board? I am happy to engage further if you would like.

I'd give her the choice either sell on the double bed and the bed she is in goes to the attic room or she had the double in her room with perhaps the chesterdraws downstairs or in another room

She doesn’t sound like a brat she sounds like her almost certain asd causes her to become overwhelmed. Please do t change her bed, I know it’s not logical but I have five children with asd and situations like that would cause them genuine distress.

I'm autistic and this rings true for me. When I want to do something I kind of fixate on it, and it becomes all-consuming. Everything revolves around it! It's really common for autistic people to have a special interest.

However if I'm not in that mindset and sudden change happens, even if it's something I wanted in the past, it freaks me out.

Exactly this.

Make sure the boyfriend has the floor plan so he can see for himself how this is going to work. I really hope the uni she has chosen has some great support in place for students such as your DD.

Here are links about change and meltdowns although they are very general.

www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/meltdowns/all-audiences

www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/dealing-with-change/all-audiences

It can be very traumatic growing up as an autistic child and not understanding why people aren't understanding your needs. It is a whole different way of thinking. I wish there was more available for parents.

MyDc has been far more succint than me but exactly that.

And yes it is likely she will need a lot of extra support with the transition to uni.

That support is usually out there. Many allow autistic students to attend a little earlier to get used to the surroundings and familiarise themselves and can provide extra support during the course.

It will be worth some extra visits yourself. Googling "autistic transition to uni" will hopefully come up with some other ideas.

If her room is going when she leaves that will also be a source of anxiety for her - where will she sleep when she comes back?

Seperately think it could really help your relationship with her if you could take sometime to understand autism (especially in girls) and work out how better to support her.

Thanks @GiantToadstool, but I have done all of that, read the books & more. Autism UK suggested what they termed "targeted confrontational behaviour" some time ago, which definitely made a lot of sense as this isn't the first instance of her stubbornly setting against me, when it's her that's losing out

She is classed as disabled without an ASD diagnosis too, so you are very right in that it's far from straightforward as it would be if she were NT

I meant to add, these days the source of Her meltdown she hides from me. I usually have to go digging around her social media for clues, leading to her blocking me on everything. Though I can still see her main open one if I'm signed out

It can be very traumatic growing up as an autistic child and not understanding why people aren't understanding your needs. It is a whole different way of thinking. I wish there was more available for parents.

Agree with that as that is very likely me too, so I've always been very aware of her needs & up until this last couple of years we were very close, maybe too close, but she had serious health problems that meant nothing else was an option

Honestly from what you are writing,your actions and the way you speak about her,,it doesn't sound like you are understanding where she is coming from as a likely autistic child.

Seeing her as just wilful or toddler behaviour or being cross at a meltdown isn't understanding her at all. And changing her room overnight isn't something anyone with a good understanding of autism would do.

I'm not really sure what else to suggest, but please do listen to autistics on your thread and see if there are other avenues you can explore to support your understanding of her.

That was a turn of phrase to be understood @GiantToadstool & I'm sure you know yourself, that to outsiders, that exactly what a meltdown can look like. I didn't say it meant that I see it as toddler behaviour, I don't, that should've clear from the rest of my posts.

Trust me, with the abuse p, physical attacks & manipulation I've had to deal with from her, if I didn't see it as & have a decent understanding of ASD, she be out on her ear

My ds has asd, when we needed to redecorate his room - because it had artwork he did as a toddler still up and he was going to start secondary school - he was adamant he didn't want anything done. He made such a fuss. Once it was done he loved it.

Could you get some special bedding she'll love, a really nice rug some nice cushions or a lovely picture and make it really special some how? So it's not like you've done it behind her back to spite her, but as a surprise for her? That's what I'd do with my ds. xxx