To Change DDs Bed When She's Away ...

[SingingInTheShithouse]

As in get rid of a single bed & swap for a double, not change the bedding

She's 18, wants a double, we have one that was meant to go into what would be her new attic room when it was done, but Covid hit, putting a stop to that work for now.

We have an extremely difficult relationship of late & she'll argue blacks white against suggestion I make, seemingly just for the hell of it.

Moving the double into her room & giving the single with attached sleepover bed away would free up a lot of space & massively help us with getting on with some of the work in the attic.

It will mean losing a chest of drawers, but these are to go anyway, as they are a bit flimsy for heavy adult use. She's raging about this, no amount of explaining that she'll have under bed drawers instead makes up for it.

She's insisting that we remove a built in table & attached dressing table instead. This is a complete pain, will mean redecorating & it's also perfect sewing & craft table for what will become my workroom, when she moves to the attic.

So we really don't want to do that, especially as it's likely to be damaged by ripping it out & then stored taking up space we need to move things around so we can renovate her room & bathroom. but she will not budge. Because of the way she can be with me lately, against anything I say or do, this feels deliberately awkward because she knows the table will become a work table for me. It's hard to explain, but she's generally very difficult & very often nasty towards me & I can barely speak to her without being accused of abuse & saying no has her raging at me & trying to stir trouble with her dad. Possible ASD, but after asking or assessment, she stopped the GP backed referral at 17, so not diagnosed, though does have other probably irrelevant health problems

She's often at her BFs, & I'm of a mind that we swap to the double she does actually want & get rid of her singles whilst she's not her. It will help with space a lot & should only be temporary now we can get tradesmen in again & recycle other rubbish.

AIBU to just do it when she's not here ?

Genuinely not sure, but also really stumped by her stubborn assed behaviour that stops her getting what she wants, unless it's done exactly as she says

OP,
You have my sympathy.

I think the world can end up being a very difficult place for anyone who thinks rages and nasty intimation is their entitlement, and those around them have to suck it up.

I think you should do what you want with your house, that works for you, especially as you hope to take a lodger.

You say she may have ASD but
that doesn't mean she gets to rule the house.

She is leaving for university so the room is being changed around.

Maybe she needs to be warned that it has happened and perhaps she should stay at her boyfriend's until she gets a grip on her emotions.

I don't believe it is your job to fix a relationship that you haven't broken.

I love my children dearly but I also do not feel that my job as mother is as emotional punching bag in the way your daughter is treating you.

It sounds like her leaving for university will be a bit of welcome peace.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

I'd get rid of the double and she has a single forevermore.

I think parenting a teen is difficukt and parenting an autistic teen is extremely difficult and all its associated challenges.

But by asking your aibu you are getting responses from people who do not realise what a challenge for an autistic child this is.

If you asked "aibu to completely change my autistic daughters room while she's away" to autistic people you would get different responses.

Or even if you had phrased it as "how can I support my autistic daughter with change/etc."

It sounds like you are unwilling to consider her vantage point at all.

It’s your house, you can do what you like. She can’t expect to dictate what happens in your house.

Whatever @GiantToadstool, you seem unable to view any other way than I'm a crap parent to an undiagnosed, possibly ASD teen. That's your prerogative. Doesn't make it true.

@Tal45 thank you.

That's actually what we've done when she was small & always got the same response as you. I'm just torn & and stuck as she's an adult now

I don't think I've got much in the way of useful suggestions but just wanted to pass on my sympathy and best wishes. Our ASD 18 yr old daughter (diagnosed age 14) is currently in quarantine in Sydney, due to take up a school based gap year position "as soon as she can get there". Which may be delayed as they have just had a local lockdown extended.

She's currently coping remarkably well, and I'm feeling more relaxed than I had for a few weeks. She's had at least 5 months preparing for this point, imagining what it will be like, working out what could go wrong and how to deal with it etc etc etc. Her granny is aiming to phone her morning and night most days, and she's got other relatives keeping in touch too.

When she's doing well, she can clearly do very very well. But I can imagine her falling apart exactly as your daughter is, and some of the preparations made for her trip have related to hard-won lessons. (eg skipping rope for exercise in quarantine, emergency cheese sandwiches for on the plane!)

Hard though it is, OP, maybe putting your current "this is the next step" on hold for a bit longer is needed. How has she started preparing for uni, has she talked through what it will be like there, how she will get there, where she will live, when she will come home etc? Maybe look ahead to that "fixed point" of expected change, and help her paint the picture that includes coming home to her new room. And after a bit engage her in the process of getting the new room ready - all the steps that are needed to make it possible including rearranging the beds without messing up anything else.

Good luck.

OP I am honestly trying to help you and help you to see a different perspective. Sometimes when we see it from the perspective of the child it is easier to help and support them, and in the long run easier for the parent to cope!

I am sure you are not a "crap parent" but a parent that has had 18 very hard years and very frustrated that she wont just do things the way you want.

I think some others have offered some great advice (Halfsiblings above looks great!) And several autistic people have explained why it is hard. Hopefully they will be easier to access than my obviously badly worded posts- I didn't meant to atagonise you but to support. I will back out.

If I had a rude child like that, she can forget a double bed altogether!
There's no way I will give in to a bratty child. Come back when you've learnt some respect towards your parents.

@hellogem

If I had a rude child like that, she can forget a double bed altogether! There's no way I will give in to a bratty child. Come back when you've learnt some respect towards your parents.

I think you have either missed something or you are missing something.

If I had a rude child like that, she can forget a double bed altogether!
There's no way I will give in to a bratty child. Come back when you've learnt some respect towards your parents

She's not a "bratty child" she's an adult that very probably has ASD, even if she doesn't, she has diagnosed symptoms of it & other significant disability that makes her life harder

I’ll just send my sympathy and support. I had a really difficult teen who was particularly awful to me. He’s actually matured into the most empathetic young man and we get on very well indeed. Actually moving out was the best thing for us all.

If you need to make these changes I would tell her at least so she knows in advance but be clear that yes, it’s going to happen for good reasons. However I’m not clear on where she will sleep when her room is let out? Is she more worried that by allowing these changes she’s helping to do herself out of her own room (even if done for her own benefit)?

Thanks @MatildaTheCat, that's very reassuring & what I hear from friends who've gone through it too. DH is of a mind that she's only going to really appreciate what I do for her, when she's moved out. We'll see.

Letting out the attic floor will likely be airBnB, so we have full control of it & can change if she needs her room back. Worse case scenario, we also have a small guest room. We live in a tourist hot spot, this makes most sense

That's brilliant @HalfSiblingsMadeContact,your DD sounds amazing p. Friends of ours have just emigrated there & hit the same problem with getting in & quarantine that end. They struggled & are NT, so your DD coping so well makes her a very strong & determined young lady indeed. Much fir you to be proud of no doubt.

We don't have to worry about Uni for another year, but that's another can of worms. She is of a mind that now she's an adult, that it's non of our business & won't discuss anything at all, especially as we have big concerns about her course & Uni choices & have tried to discuss that with her. We are hitting the same problem with her upcoming college course. She's doing that fir a year fir extra Uni points & to take time out to decide what she actually wants to do. Which sadly isn't looking to be the subject that she's been picked up as brilliant at. Can't even get information out of her about equipment that she needs for college, other than a big very vague list. Really hard to step in contacting colleges etc at this age too. The only saving grace is her diagnosed disabilities will get her some support similar to ASD, but we're not sure that's enough, or if she'll even accept it

If there are new builds near you with show homes would she and boyfriend go look at them. Ditto places like DFS which showcase bedroom schemes. Try sitting with them looking through Houzz.com for inspiration.