To Change DDs Bed When She's Away ...

[SingingInTheShithouse]

As in get rid of a single bed & swap for a double, not change the bedding

She's 18, wants a double, we have one that was meant to go into what would be her new attic room when it was done, but Covid hit, putting a stop to that work for now.

We have an extremely difficult relationship of late & she'll argue blacks white against suggestion I make, seemingly just for the hell of it.

Moving the double into her room & giving the single with attached sleepover bed away would free up a lot of space & massively help us with getting on with some of the work in the attic.

It will mean losing a chest of drawers, but these are to go anyway, as they are a bit flimsy for heavy adult use. She's raging about this, no amount of explaining that she'll have under bed drawers instead makes up for it.

She's insisting that we remove a built in table & attached dressing table instead. This is a complete pain, will mean redecorating & it's also perfect sewing & craft table for what will become my workroom, when she moves to the attic.

So we really don't want to do that, especially as it's likely to be damaged by ripping it out & then stored taking up space we need to move things around so we can renovate her room & bathroom. but she will not budge. Because of the way she can be with me lately, against anything I say or do, this feels deliberately awkward because she knows the table will become a work table for me. It's hard to explain, but she's generally very difficult & very often nasty towards me & I can barely speak to her without being accused of abuse & saying no has her raging at me & trying to stir trouble with her dad. Possible ASD, but after asking or assessment, she stopped the GP backed referral at 17, so not diagnosed, though does have other probably irrelevant health problems

She's often at her BFs, & I'm of a mind that we swap to the double she does actually want & get rid of her singles whilst she's not her. It will help with space a lot & should only be temporary now we can get tradesmen in again & recycle other rubbish.

AIBU to just do it when she's not here ?

Genuinely not sure, but also really stumped by her stubborn assed behaviour that stops her getting what she wants, unless it's done exactly as she says

As I’ve said there are consequences. If you out of the refurb until she goes, she also has expect less help from you for awhile.
She really needs to learn that she won’t always get what she wants. No matter what her problems are, if she is to live in mainstream society. I can imagine college or work pandering to an adult banging their head against a wall. Unless she’s going to a specialist educational establishment?

& Its boyfriend @AmyDudley. Good idea to get him involved, as he's thankfully very sensible, difficult to get him on his own though, but will have a think about that. Thanks

I really dislike the "your house, your rules" approach. This works for small children and lodgers but if you want a relationship with your adult daughter I think a different tactic is required. It sounds like a very difficult situation but just laying down rules and not allowing her to collaborate about decisions about her own space in her own home is setting yourself up for ongoing difficulties. It sounds like you are trying to reach a compromise OP, which is great.

No, don’t change her room without her knowledge or consent while she’s away. My DD also has ASD & is massively averse to change, especially if she’s not expecting it. She’d be really unsettled by something like this. I think in your situation I’d just say to DD that if she’s not prepared to cooperate, she puts up with what she has now until she leaves home or can afford to improve her room herself. You’ve tried to sort it, she’s rejected it.

I'd just do whatever suits you, while she's away.

If she doesn't like it she can move out. Win-win.

@Bargebill19

It's not that straightforward with ASD, she is a master masker & then gets overwhelmed, bottled it up & then falls apart & lashes out at home where she feels safe to be herself. Doesn't make it easier to deal with than bratty behaviour that's for sure, but I hear it's classic behaviour in "HF" girls. It's hard, as I'm a very upfront, take no nonsense person & I'd be dealing with bratty behaviour head on & she would not get away with it at all. This is different though

She's not diagnosed, but has diagnosed symptoms of it & scores more highly than we thought on the AQ10 questionnaire. This including SPD, which is another reason to move her upstairs as it's a much quieter room than hers can be at times.

She's weird with changes & can really vary how she responds to change, often positively, but could go either way. She feels the anxiety of it big time though & is incredibly brave at pushing in if changes will be better for her

As someone with suspected ASD I remember a few years ago when I was 18 my mam swapped my bed for a double and I cried for weeks! I didn’t shout or direct it at her, I was just overwhelmed by the different mattress and the change in general. Could she be anxious?

@2bazookas

I'd just do whatever suits you, while she's away.

If she doesn't like it she can move out. Win-win.

I can't ever imagine feeling such disdain for my own child. Surprisingly common on mumsnet though. It's no wonder so many have grown into adults with huge mental health issues when the support has been dropped at a point they needed it the most.

Can you just store the bed in the attic space until work resumes ? Yes it’s frustrating but sounds like a lot of disruption for no reason really.
Only other thought is could you afford to treat her to new bedding and a few cushions and maybe sell it to her as a bit of an upgrade until she can go in the loft? Especially if BF stays a double is more mature etc etc ? Just a thought

Oh and I am autistic and it took me years, not months, before I was able to agree to redecorating my home. It had been the same for almost 20 years. It's hard. Really hard.

Oh & yes the furniture probably is saleable, but we've had it a long time, served us well & would rather pass on to someone in need for free. DD would agree with that as she is very kind & thoughtfulto all but me & actually has money her GF recently gave her to buy some bits for her room, or whatever she wants including tattoos to piss me off, but that's another story

Jesus leave her stuff alone she is an adult.

When I was over 18 and back at home after uni for a bit, I bought my own furniture.

My mum once bought me new curtains when I was away. I came home to my expensive black out linings that she didn't like having been removed and chucked and these thin curtains I hated in their place. She charged me for them too.

You're still treating her like a child so no wonder she acts like one.

Those with ASD saying you'd struggle with the change of decorating etc.

This is what really puzzles us about her as far as ASD goes, because though we can see a lot of traits in her, especially knowing more about ASD in bright girls. She can suddenly get very restless & want changes to her room etc & gets agitated if we need her to wait becausewe are knackered and don't want to be moving furniture around at midnight or painting a wall right now this second other times she won't change, tug of war to wash her bedding etc & were always left with an unused bedding set & one worn out as that's her favourite

She's also got an incredible visual memory, which we used to help her learn difficult spellings when young etc. Yet sometimes clearly can't visualise things at all, like with this double bed

I'd be really interested in your thoughts on that

Hmm. I don’t think the op is testing her like a child @CrouchEndTiger12.
The op has friend to engage in conversation. Is effectively renovating a bed sit/flat for her daughter and providing for her. The op hasn’t demanded anything or gone ahead with anything. Asking for a discussion and compromise is part of being an adult. However the daughter hasn’t responded in a very adult way.

Op, sorry but if she acts this way over a bed and side drawers - how on earth is she going to cope with the massive upheaval in going away to college? Maybe time for a massive rethink?

You're presuming a lot there based on your own experience @CrouchEndTiger12 & you're projecting. We don't treat her like a child, she's always had a say & my own DM sounds like yours, so I absolutely don't do that I still hiss about the Vivienne Westwood misprint tee of mine she burnt, that would've woth a lot now

My bug out money and private letters (many moons ago) were in a bag attached to the frame on my bed. I'd have been fuming if my parents got rid of the bed... whether they removed my stuff or not. It is a private space, how could you not give her the chance to remove anything private first.

@Bargebill19

how on earth is she going to cope with the massive upheaval in going away to college? Maybe time for a massive rethink?

That's a whole nother thread & one that worries us a lot, especially as she's basically following her friends & BF to their best option Uni. She's deferred fir a year out of fear herself & 2 of her friends & BF have done the same. She's messing around on which course too. The one she's brilliant at, is a slightly better course than here, the other she now may do is really poor compared to here, plus it's my area of expertise & I know nothing of course 🤦‍♀️

@SingingInTheShithouse

Those with ASD saying you'd struggle with the change of decorating etc.

This is what really puzzles us about her as far as ASD goes, because though we can see a lot of traits in her, especially knowing more about ASD in bright girls. She can suddenly get very restless & want changes to her room etc & gets agitated if we need her to wait becausewe are knackered and don't want to be moving furniture around at midnight or painting a wall right now this second other times she won't change, tug of war to wash her bedding etc & were always left with an unused bedding set & one worn out as that's her favourite

She's also got an incredible visual memory, which we used to help her learn difficult spellings when young etc. Yet sometimes clearly can't visualise things at all, like with this double bed

I'd be really interested in your thoughts on that

I'm autistic and this rings true for me. When I want to do something I kind of fixate on it, and it becomes all-consuming. Everything revolves around it! It's really common for autistic people to have a special interest.

However if I'm not in that mindset and sudden change happens, even if it's something I wanted in the past, it freaks me out.

It might be worth looking online, @SingingInTheShithouse, and seeing if you can find a house design app that would let you show your dd how her room would look with the double bed - might that be less confronting for her?

Can you draw up an “issues paper” for her to review and decide upon.

ie: space is needed to allow work to be done, scope of work includes building attic room and refurbishment of previous bedroom to be communal office, craft and see room. Total budget x.

Option one:
Sell double bed now, use single bed in new attic bedroom.

Option two:
Remove dressing table and use double bed now, partial funds from attic refurbishment to pay for new furniture in communal office, craft and sewing room.

If you can get her to “buy in” by assisting to make choices and develop budget it might make things easier. Also would be nice to make space her her hobbies in the new sewing room, it could be a way to build up the relationship.

However if I'm not in that mindset and sudden change happens, even if it's something I wanted in the past, it freaks me out.

Thank you @rainbowfairylights , that's really helpful

If she’s always raving at you and only you - them you’ve done a brilliant job as a parent. She obviously feels very safe and secure with you and knows you will always love and support her. Which is bloody brilliant!!

Except now you have this situation…. Can you remove yourself from the conversation entirely? I mean do not have the any conversation regarding the bed/arrive whatsoever ever. Instead ask someone who she doesn’t rage against - eg the boyfriend or your husband or a friend do either your or hers etc to have the same conversation with her somewhere out of the family home?
She might be more willing to engage with someone else. Meanwhile you refuse to discuss it or do anything until she’s listened to everting that the third party says and hopefully reaches a sensible reaction from her. She may still refuse, in which case everyone may just have to live with the status quo. But at least she has listened to your side through a third party and hopefull reacted in a better way.

Yes, mediation may be the way forward here.

Thanks for the further suggestions.

We've kind of tried that app suggestion as I drew up a to scale plan of her room & furniture. She refused to even look at it, insisting she'll lose too much floor space & wants the desk etc gone. Yet gains no space as the bed can't go where the desk is & she uses it everyday

We won't sell the bed as it's still needed after she has left & we only bought it at the start of this renovation

We really are at a frustrating stalemate with her. Getting BF onboard might be an idea to try though. Think DH needs to give him a lift home next time & have a chat 🤞

Dont do it.
Clearly lots going on here and if she has specifically said she doesn't want it it will be counter productive.
How is it stopping you doing the loft?