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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off at MIL.

78 replies

0hs0s0rry · 14/07/2021 11:58

My husband has fertility issues which were diagnosed during his first marriage, whichended in 2017. He had some treatment and an incomplete round of IVF with his then wife and then his marriage ended.

We have been married for 11 months and are booked in to be seen end of August to see what our options are and up to date diagnoses/reports etc etc.

My MIL has ordered some ‘holistic treatment’ from her native country for my husband to take so we may conceive.

She hasn’t mentioned it to me, only to him. In fact she whispered to him yesterday she may be coming over to ours today. I found out about this ‘treatment’ after I asked him why she was informing him of coming over to ours and didn’t mention anything to me.

I feel disrespected. The conception journey is for us both.

AIBU for being extremely fucked off by what she has done? Or is it non if my business because I’m not the one who has any ‘problems’ on paper?

OP posts:

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 14/07/2021 12:02

It sounds like they have had a chat and she's trying to help her son out.

She may feel chatting to you about it is too personal.

I don't think she has done anything wrong.

TheUndoingProject · 14/07/2021 12:04

Honestly I wouldn’t be too troubled. She’s clearly supportive of you trying to conceive, and I think some people just find talking about fertility issues more private/embarrassing than others.

I’d try and focus on her clearly being really supportive of you trying to start a family and having kind intentions.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 14/07/2021 12:05

Well if you aren't the one who has to take the holistic treatment, then arguably no she isn't doing anything wrong and its his choice whether or not he uses it

She may not be comfortable sharing his medical stuff with you. Isnt the usual MN stance these things are personal and should only be discussed with the person whos medical history it is?

ApolloandDaphne · 14/07/2021 12:06

It sounds like she is trying to respect your feelings and wants to try and offer her son support. This holistic treatment may be a load of hokum but at least she is trying to help. Give her a chance if this is the only thing she has done.

Ponoka7 · 14/07/2021 12:07

He's got a medical issue and she thinks she can help. IVF is your journey together, not what she did. This isn't the first time she's been here. Are there also cultural aspects at play to how she views holistic approaches?

Dandy0911 · 14/07/2021 12:08

I wouldn't be too bothered about if. If you switched it, and your mum or a member of your family had ordered you some supplements to take it she thought it could help you, then my guess is that would be the norm just to run it by you and not your DH.

I think your MIL is genuinely trying to be helpful and she is obviously supportive on your journey and wants to help. If you think she's overstepping the mark, or you want to deal with this just you and your DH I would just pop her a gentle message.

But I wouldn't get too strung up on this.

Ponoka7 · 14/07/2021 12:09

Also, will you be getting any support from your Mother and will she be speaking to your DH about it?

AnnaSW1 · 14/07/2021 12:09

Yes YABU

Youdiditanyway · 14/07/2021 12:09

I wouldn’t be bothered, she’s clearly trying to help and her heart is in the right place.

Iwonder08 · 14/07/2021 12:12

Completely unreasonable. She is entitled to have a rivate conversation with her son about his health issues. She doesn't need to get you involved. Especially given you are newly married and perhaps she doesn't feel she can discuss such personal matters with you.

Pinkdelight3 · 14/07/2021 12:15

It's a sensitive issue and there are enough upsetting elements intrinsic to it without creating more by feeling 'disrespected' (the source of so many needless conflicts in the world). Instead of making it about you, think about how she's his mother and was trying to do a nice thing for him, to help and not upset anyone in the process. If she'd announced it to the pair of you, you could have been just as pissed off by her interfering or because you thought it was hokum or just out of embarrassment, so instead she's done it quietly with her son who she loves and has already seen him go through one lot of IVF and a divorce. You've been married less than a year so with the best will in the world, she doesn't know you that well nor you her. Give her the benefit of the doubt and steel yourself for the journey ahead. I hope it will be smooth and successful, but there may well be challenges and you'll look back on this as a trifle.

TwoLeftElbows · 14/07/2021 12:19

The question is not whether she talked to you, it's whether your husband shared it with you afterwards.

Original poster

0hs0s0rry · 14/07/2021 12:20

Sorry I should have mentioned, she didn’t want him to initially tell me about his infertility, wanted me to find out myself if we had trouble conceiving.

Also has his medical reports at her house so I can’t view them.

And doesn’t speak to me about anything and dismisses my entire existence.

My husband wasn’t aware about this either until yesterday.

I guess you’re right though, it’s not me taking the treatment so it should only concern him.

We have an appointment booked for end of August to view our options so I guess I’ll just wait until then.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 14/07/2021 12:22

Sorry I should have mentioned, she didn’t want him to initially tell me about his infertility, wanted me to find out myself if we had trouble conceiving.

How did you find this out?

Original poster

0hs0s0rry · 14/07/2021 12:22

@Ponoka7 my mum died 7 years ago and I don’t have anyone else to discuss it with except for my friends really.

OP posts:

TiredButDancing · 14/07/2021 12:22

that's one hell of a drip feed!

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 14/07/2021 12:23

Given your drip feed there, I would say you have the age old problem of having a DH issue which is fuelling the MIL issue.

Original poster

0hs0s0rry · 14/07/2021 12:23

@PurpleDaisies my husband told me this. When we first met he told me initially and ofcourse I didn’t have a problem with it. When he introduced me to her whilst we were dating, she wasn’t aware I knew, so told him not to tell me and I’d find out myself down the line after trying to conceive.

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Original poster

0hs0s0rry · 14/07/2021 12:24

Sorry I don’t know what drip feed is, I’m not that active on here.

OP posts:

Original poster

0hs0s0rry · 14/07/2021 12:25

@TwoLeftElbows I guess you’re right. He told me afterwards about what she had told him

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Original poster

0hs0s0rry · 14/07/2021 12:25

@Pinkdelight3 thank you!

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TheGumption · 14/07/2021 12:27

Mega drip feed!
Next post will be that she regularly roasts neighbourhood cats over an open fire.

TulipsTwoLips · 14/07/2021 12:31

I am a really private person, so I would find that totally intrusive, but I appreciate that others would not.

I think you just need to view it as people having different ways (maybe ex wife, DH and MIL spoke openly about it and wanted her involvement?), but if it's not something you'd like to happen in the future kindly ask her not to.

petrocellihouse · 14/07/2021 12:32

I would ask what the 'holistic treatment' actually is. You will need to make sure that it is not something that will actively interfere with any potential diagnoses or treatments. Wishing you luck on your journey to become parents!

Original poster

0hs0s0rry · 14/07/2021 12:34

@TulipsTwoLips - I’ll keep that in mind and just let her know I’d prefer to keep things private.

@petrocellihouse

Thank you for your kind words.

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