To be pissed off at MIL.

[0hs0s0rry]

My husband has fertility issues which were diagnosed during his first marriage, whichended in 2017. He had some treatment and an incomplete round of IVF with his then wife and then his marriage ended.

We have been married for 11 months and are booked in to be seen end of August to see what our options are and up to date diagnoses/reports etc etc.

My MIL has ordered some ‘holistic treatment’ from her native country for my husband to take so we may conceive.

She hasn’t mentioned it to me, only to him. In fact she whispered to him yesterday she may be coming over to ours today. I found out about this ‘treatment’ after I asked him why she was informing him of coming over to ours and didn’t mention anything to me.

I feel disrespected. The conception journey is for us both.

AIBU for being extremely fucked off by what she has done? Or is it non if my business because I’m not the one who has any ‘problems’ on paper?

@TheGumption oh grow up. I posted for advice. Which I’m receiving. I didn’t post on here for entertainment.

If I wanted to ‘drip feed’ I would have picked a different topic. Not a sensitive and uncertain one.

🤣 OK.

I just want to point out, sorry if it's already been done, but in a marriage, no one person has a fertility problem, you both do.

I say this because it took over five years for my current pregnancy to occur and although, unlike you, we didn't know the exact reason, it was really damaging to our relationship when we either put the responsibility on eachother or blamed ourselves individually. TTC is really horrible when you get to a point that regardless of what you do nothing seems to work. It really is a seriously shit time and a time when feeling to blame and resentment can really dominate the process.

I really hope you don't get to that point and I hope the issues you face with TTC resolve really quickly.
As for MIL, I'd nip her in the bud right away she sounds like she will be an almighty pain in the arse when baby comes. She needs to back off.

There is a phone number if you Google where you can talk to a fertility nurse, she was very helpful and reassuring when I phoned her.

Good luck I hope you're pregnant really soon

Well he must trust her if he allows her to be that involved.
It's up to him how involved he wants his mother to be.
Make sure he checks what she is giving him is suitable, but you need to make him see she's too involved, if you feel this way.

I think she has distinctly TMI. Had my mum been alive when I was having fertility issues I would, however, have told her as we were very close. I think you have to accept that he is at liberty to do this as at present it is, after all, his own medical information he's divulging.

Your own medical records are another matter. These are private, sacrosanct, and I would be having serious words with DH if he ever divulged a word that was in them to his mother, who fair to say is not in my confidence.

As this treatment will involve two of you then this should have a veto on it; i.e. that nothing is divulged to anyone else without your consent. IVF can be a very painful rollercoaster: this alone can put enough of a strain on any marriage without external factors adding to it as well. As for advising him not to tell you about his fertility issues, this alone is a different issue of intrusion. I would not be remotely happy about this. I'd also be seeing it as what MN helpfully refer to as a 'DH problem'. She can't be intrusive unless he allows it.

As you can doubtless tell, I've been through this. I wish you every success with your journey and hope you will soon have the family you dream of. That's the most important thing: anything else is secondary.

Good luck.

Op, drip feed is when your OP presents the situation in a certain way, then subsequent posts add details that completely change the way the original situation can be analysed. Which you did by not mentioning that there are deeper issues at play here.

The not wanting you to know about DH's infertility is massively out of order if that is indeed what happened (how did you find out she said this ?) I'm guessing she's embarrassed about it and/or scared you may not have wanted to marry him if you'd found out... Still unacceptable, but since your DH was honest about it that's really what matters.

The part where she doesn't acknowledge your existence is the part where I would refuse to see her and refuse her to come to my house. I'd tell DH that this is his house but also mine and she's welcome here if/when she learns basic respect. Beyond that I'd pretty much just not give her any more attention.

If your husband is honest and supportive that's really all that matters.

Re the medical info is that really the reason ? I have a whole bunch of papers at my mother's house (with whom I have a strained relationship) because I move around a lot and don't want to risk losing important documents.

@Jerima that’s why I felt a bit disrespected because I’ve always seen it as our problem as a unit. I knew about the issues before I married him and always said to him it would be our problem together. we’d be on this journey together and even if we weren’t successful in conceiving it wouldnt impact our dynamic because I went into this marriage knowing there’s a big possibility we may not be parents.

I was annoyed because she should have Atleast asked us if we had anything lined up or whether we’ve thought about conceiving or whether we have a plan in place. She went and got this medication from god knows who and expects him to take it x4 daily. It can’t be that private it all his siblings know about it and the person who’s transported it from the native country.

Thank you for your kind words x

@Marty13 thanks for explaining what drip feed was, I should have included all the details initially in the opening post.

He told me himself she didn’t want him to tell any potentials because he may have limited his chances getting married again (cultural differences) and she wanted him to go down an arranged marriage path and then let the girl question the lack of conception whenever it happened.

We’ve moved everything from his mums to our place, and have everything here but she has his medical records.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks you’re 100% right.

Thank you for your kind words x

@gillysSong I’ll hear her out and if she’s crosses any boundaries I’ll just have to have a chat with her

Tricky one. One one hand, she doesn't like you and you've little regard for her. On the other, having been through infertility, and joined up an online group, I know that low motility/mobility issues with sperm can be vastly improved with a seriously good diet and health regime within three months. So there are some methods with using good supplements and a diet overhaul that can really work.

IVF drugs are gruelling, so if there is a treatment that works for him that allows for you to conceive naturally, it's by far the preferable option - he just needs to check that whatever supplements he's taking are ok by your fertility consultant at a genetic level.

While infertility IS a mutual journey, she is keeping his medical discussions (and they are his!) to themselves as should be the case. What he chooses to share with you out of those discussions is his choice as it's his medical information essentially.

I think if a man was complaining that his partner and her DM were discussing fertility, and looking at natural treatments that seem to have helped other women, and not including him in the conversation, he would be advised to relax about it.

Male factor infertility can be a lot easier to fix than female (ivf and icsi was invented to fix mfi after all) and sometimes all it takes is weight loss / diet changes / stronger vitamins / omega 3 taken religiously for at least 3 months.

But before he starts any treatments have you explored potential issues with you? As he already has the problem, if there isn’t anything glaringly obvious wrong with your hormones / womb, a lot of ivf clinics like to wait for 3 failed cycles before they explore potential issues. In your position I would be pushing for as much testing as possible where possible to make the whole process easier.

@Drinkingallthewine @Crunched there haven’t been any discussions though. She’s ordered some supplements from Asia and expects him to take it x4 daily. That’s the only information she’s given him.

@Ozanj I’ve explored all the issues with myself and I’m good to go

We’ve moved everything from his mums to our place, and have everything here but she has his medical records.

So he should get them back. Simple. he's an adult, so there's no reason for him not to have brought them back already.

[quote 0hs0s0rry]**@Drinkingallthewine* @Crunched* there haven’t been any discussions though. She’s ordered some supplements from Asia and expects him to take it x4 daily. That’s the only information she’s given him.[/quote]
Ginseng? Ginger? Turmeric If so he should def take them. DH’s sperm count went through the roof after taking them but he didn’t really have major issues - my consultant only recommended it in case he had problems. It does work but probably not if you have serious problems.

[quote 0hs0s0rry]**@Drinkingallthewine* @Crunched* there haven’t been any discussions though. She’s ordered some supplements from Asia and expects him to take it x4 daily. That’s the only information she’s given him.[/quote]
If she's ordered supplements from abroad, there's no knowing how safe or how pure they are, sadly. So he accepts them politely but doesn't take them. Or says 'thanks mum - I'll just check with the specialist to make sure there are no contraindications with any treatment I might be offered, first.'

My own mum is pretty woo about weird supplements etc. I just nod and ignore.

[quote 0hs0s0rry]**@Drinkingallthewine* @Crunched* there haven’t been any discussions though. She’s ordered some supplements from Asia and expects him to take it x4 daily. That’s the only information she’s given him.[/quote]
He's a grown man, so he doesn't have to take anything he doesn't want to take. And he probably shouldn't until he's ran it past a fertility consultant based on current semen analysis as sperm regenerates every three months.

To give you an example, a friend of mine's husband had MFI but it was primarily caused by an underlying condition - and when he had an operation to correct that, and undertook a diet/supplement regime, his sperm count was perfect some months later.

Do you know for sure that he didn't ask her for help or that he didn't ask her to source them for him?

Be very wary of the safety of those medications/treatments!

@Ozanj they’re available here so it’s definitely not them. That’s the thing, neither of us know what these supplements are and nor does she. All she knows is it ‘cures’ infertility and it he takes it x4 daily it’ll give her the grandson she is desperate to have after her having grand daughters form her other kids.

@saraclara I’m a bit vary too!

@Drinkingallthewine my husband had an operation too a few years back. I’m 100% sure he’s not asked her for help or any resources.

I wanted us to see a fertility dr first for an update as it’s been a few years since he went through the fertility process. I wanted us to have recent data to look at and then go from there

@starrynight87 that’s why I was also annoyed because we don’t know what they are?

You need to discuss these supplements with your GP or fertility specialist as they may do more harm than good/interfere with other treatments.

Best of luck with it all.