Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at MIL.

78 replies

0hs0s0rry · 14/07/2021 11:58

My husband has fertility issues which were diagnosed during his first marriage, whichended in 2017. He had some treatment and an incomplete round of IVF with his then wife and then his marriage ended.

We have been married for 11 months and are booked in to be seen end of August to see what our options are and up to date diagnoses/reports etc etc.

My MIL has ordered some ‘holistic treatment’ from her native country for my husband to take so we may conceive.

She hasn’t mentioned it to me, only to him. In fact she whispered to him yesterday she may be coming over to ours today. I found out about this ‘treatment’ after I asked him why she was informing him of coming over to ours and didn’t mention anything to me.

I feel disrespected. The conception journey is for us both.

AIBU for being extremely fucked off by what she has done? Or is it non if my business because I’m not the one who has any ‘problems’ on paper?

OP posts:
Jerima · 14/07/2021 13:13

@0hs0s0rry it's not "holistic" if it excludes you. TBH I think she's treating you like a host who is only there to create her grandchild. God only knows what the cocktail of drugs she's ordered is.

If he wants to take supplements to help his swimmers get him on zinc I think it's about 40 mg and solenium I think it's about 125 micrograms. We don't know why it took us so long but one possibility was DH medication, a year after he started this I got my bfp, but there was loads of things I did too seeing as we wasn't sure why we were having trouble and this was DC3

miltonj · 14/07/2021 13:16

She sounds well meaning, but a bit nutty! As long as she's not planning on injecting you with seaweed juice in your sleep, just let it all wash over you.

whynotwhatknot · 14/07/2021 13:18

So she olnly wants a grandson then-youre going to have all sorts of problems with this woman

Drinkingallthewine · 14/07/2021 13:37

If he or you don't know what they are, he shouldn't take them until you've checked with the fertility doctor. It's as simple as that.

It could be something that causes sperm mutations, or increase the risk of miscarriage due to sperm mutations. There is so much that happens at a mollecular level sperm wise that they just don't know the full extent of.

But aside from this immediate issue, what it's thrown up as issues you potentially face down the line is concerning - namely, if you both are going through fertility treatment then you BOTH need to be comfortable with who you discuss it with - because it will be treatment for both of you. He can't discuss progress of ICSI with his family without the other half - your ultrasounds, your injections, you tests and test results. So both of you need to be on the same page.

The other thing that you both need to consider is that she's so dismissive of you, how then, when you do have your baby, will she treat you? Me and my baby came as a package deal and luckily my lovely MIL treated me like her own DD but I would not be letting MY baby go off to a house of inlaws that hate me. Or getting in his ear about your decision to breastfeed/ feed solids/ style of clothes/ etc etc. It may not matter for a baby but it sets precedent and then by the time it will matter to a child, the precedent is all they've ever known.

Basically your DH needs to work on maintaining a bit of privacy about your marriage and establishing boundaries for when you do have your family and how you both intend to operate as a family. It all stems from him.

My DB married a woman my mother disliked. And DM was not shy in saying so. She caused a lot of issues (now SIL wasn't exactly innocent either, she enjoyed stirring it up as well) anyway, every time DM got critical, DB got up and walked out. It was that simple - they come as a package deal , she was his wife for better or worse etc, and DM soon realised that she would see the grandchildren a lot less unless she was accepting of her DIL. And he was right to do that.

So a wider discussion needs to be had - without MIL's involvement.

Zilla1 · 14/07/2021 13:39

If the relationship were positive with your MIL then I might have been inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt, in many cultures male infertility can be thought of as more 'shameful'. That said, entirely grim and unacceptable for her to try and hide it and if she doesn't make any effort with you then I'd be less forgiving. You certainly have a locus on your fertility journey. As PPs have said, there may be questions about the safety and nature of the treatment.

Good luck with conceiving.

Choux · 14/07/2021 13:48

Zilla says exactly what I was about to say.

I would also worried about MIL wanting a grandson as she already has granddaughters.

Presumably you and DH would be happy just to become parents. He needs to get that across to his mother who wants specifically a boy. And should doctors advise using donor sperm you and your DH might be ok with that but how would that go down with MIL?

Hopefully that is not an issue which will be reached. But as husband and wife you two should have the full knowledge of your fertility issues and decide what to share with MIL. Currently it sounds like MIL knows things about your husband's fertility that you don't know eg his medical records and the supplement source and contents. That isn't right.

Good luck conceiving.

Mseddy · 14/07/2021 13:49

I think it's unreasonable of her to try and keep it a secret from you. I get she's trying to help and its nice he's felt able to be so open with his mum. But having been through a few rounds of ivf, supplements can make a huge difference both good and bad. When you are going to have to bare the brunt of the procedures it's not fair for you to be kept out of the loop in anything

30degreesandmeltinghere · 14/07/2021 14:09

Heaven help you if her pills work. She will be claiming to be the third parent... Your dh needs to take proper medical advice before taking them obviously...
I would expect she will be going along to all appointments also!!
Grin

Zilla1 · 14/07/2021 14:22

Looking forward, I think your 'fertility clinic' should insist on being given all his records currently held by her if you and your DH can't face fronting him up. Your DH might need to agree that all communications concerning your health and treatment are made by you and he must not share anything that touches on your health and treatment at all. No easy path of giving in for him from now on, OP, and not that you will be doing it to annoy her but I'd expect her to raise her game concerning communicating with you positively if she is so invested in a DGS but won't find out any other way. Might rebase her expectations.

Good luck.

Paddling654 · 14/07/2021 14:24

That's well annoying.

Paddling654 · 14/07/2021 14:25

nice he's felt able to be so open with his mum

Really not nice at all if the OP is excluded from details relating to the conception of her own child.

I don't think I'd want to be with him now.

Ourlady · 14/07/2021 14:27

Its none of her bloody business and I certainly wouldn't be advocating taking some weird medicine from abroad. Anyone with any sense wouldn't even think of doing that.
I would be telling hum to tell her to butt out. It's between the two of you, nobody else.

Saidtoomuch · 14/07/2021 14:29

Think of it from this perspective:
My mother brought me some mullti vitamins containing folic acid tablets when she knew we were trying to conceive. My DH wasn't offended, he thought it was a nice gesture.

Saidtoomuch · 14/07/2021 14:31

Ugh, press send too soon again.
To add - don't let him take ANYTHING without clearing it with the doctors!

BlankTimes · 14/07/2021 14:45

OP, if the "supplements" arriving from Asia were legal in this country, you'd be able to buy them here.

Re your DH's medical records, there are two different types. He can ask his GP for a copy of his GP records. I believe these are now free, a few years ago I paid over £70 for my DD's.

Re any hospital treatment, different trusts have different rules, but on the hospital's website there should be contact details to explain what type of hospital records there are and what procedure he needs to follow to get them. Again, do query costs.

I agree with other posters, it's worthwhile setting boundaries now for your DH to support you and you stand united with you in all decisions that are made.

Mil should only be told anything that you are both happy for her to know.

ittakes2 · 14/07/2021 14:48

I'm sorry I am not getting this. Most m'n'law issues tend to by hubby issues because the husband does not support the wife. But your hubby is open and honest with you and you sound on the same page together. Hi mother clearly has cultural differences to you...but your husband is not taking her side or anything so just why are you letting this woman get your goat? It sounds like its you letting her affect things not your hubby. She asks your husband not to mention his infertility...he ignored and even told you she had done this. She offers him some weird unknown pills, he tells you...and he just doesn't take them. I don't get why there is a thread about it. I think maybe there is a bigger picture and you understandably find his mum irritating and this is just another thing that has triggered you to feel angry at her because just this whole pill episode I would find weird...but not enough to have the strong feelings of hate you seem to have.

TwoLeftElbows · 14/07/2021 15:58

Even with your updates I still think it's about your husband not your MIL. As long as he is being open with you you're ok, and if he hides things from you it's a problem, irrespective of what she does or says.

Original poster
0hs0s0rry · 14/07/2021 16:08

@ittakes2 not once in any of my posts have I said I hate her.

Why I was pissed off is because it is OUR conception journey as in him and I. She’s never ever mentioned it to me or discussed it with me.

How does she even know we want to try for a baby and actually want a baby.

If I married him knowing he can’t have children then surely that would mean to most people, I am happy to be without child UNLESS they have had a conversation with me where I have expressed, my husband and I would still like to try.

How would she know if we’re not already on some treatment? Is it not common courtesy to have a chat with us both if she’s trying to help. She didn’t ask him neither, but got the pills and told him she’ll be popping over to drop them off and explain the process. That’s what I’m pissed off about.

OP posts:
Original poster
0hs0s0rry · 14/07/2021 16:08

@TwoLeftElbows yes you’re right x

OP posts:
Original poster
0hs0s0rry · 14/07/2021 16:09

@BlankTimes thanks for this I will looking into this.

OP posts:
Original poster
0hs0s0rry · 14/07/2021 16:10

@Saidtoomuch MIL doesn’t know we’re trying to conceive. She’s never asked us or mentioned the infertility side of things to me or us as a couple.

OP posts:
Original poster
0hs0s0rry · 14/07/2021 16:11

@Paddling654 @Ourlady the points you’ve both mentioned were my concerns too. Hence the thread! I’ve got no issue with her helping her son but in my opinion she should wait until we’ve asked or shared anything with her as a couple.

OP posts:
Original poster
0hs0s0rry · 14/07/2021 16:14

Thank you for everyone who has replied and shared their advice and personal experiences. I do appreciate it x

OP posts:
NoMoreCovidPlease · 14/07/2021 16:18

Weird but no, I wouldn't feel disrespected. And it is in a way her business too, not just yours. Her child has health problems preventing him from doing something he wants. So she's trying to help him and save him the heartache. The advice about not telling you is wrong but I can see where she's coming from since most women would run a mile from a man who cannot conceive if he told them early on (again, wrong and strange, but not an affront to you).

Original poster
0hs0s0rry · 14/07/2021 16:30

@NoMoreCovidPlease yeah a lot of people I know said the same about marrying a man who was upfront about such things and said they wouldn’t have themselves married him.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread