My husband doesn’t like this?

[Hijabigirl234]

Hi so I got married 7 years ago now, 2 kids aged 5&4( next week) I left my home town 7 years ago when I got married to live with my husband, since that time I’ve never made any friends and ended up suffering with depression and aniexty over it. My husband has never encouraged me either to make friends etc or even offer to have the kids whilst I make time for myself. My son is about to finish nursery and I’ve been speaking to another mum their for the past year whilst they’ve been at nursery, our sons are about to go into the same class together in reception too. We are both on the nursery group chat together too and today we was talking and she said to me let’s do something next week with the kids like go to a park, she has a daughter about a year older than my daughter too. I felt nervous as it’s not something I’ve done before but I told her it sounds like a good idea so we exchanged our numbers on the group chat to arrange something for next week. I told my husband as I really felt happy about it even though a bit nervous as it’s out of my comfort zone I think this would be good for me to finally start making friends and my husband seemed to have a problem with it being sarcastic to me and telling me to be careful. I asked him what his problem was as I’ve been speaking to her for a year plus she knows the other mums very well and that’s what school mums do meet up somewhere to chat and take the kids too? AIBU to think this is a normal thing or is my husband right that I should be careful? I kind of feel like he is trying to isolate me now as he’s never encouraged me to make friends and when I seem to be making friends he has a problem with it and tries to put me off by scaring me into thinking something bad is going to happen if I meet up with her and kids.

Go do that course OP. He doesn't want you working outside of the home or meeting people. That is no way to live.
Get yourself in the local muslim community. Even if heavy religion is not what you want there will be people there who can help you.

He doesn't want you to have a life outside your home and himself + kids. Go with this mum friend and have fun chatting. Meet up again in the holidays when you can. You can even do coffee together in term time if she's free. Try and expand your friendship circle gradually. You don't have to tell your husband anything. He's at work so it's irrelevant.

Once school starts in September go in and ask if you can volunteer to listen to children read.

This is a very easy plan that I'd recommend you do.

What on earth do you think a mum who you know through nursery would possibly do to you at the park in the daytime with both your and her kids present? Seriously the biggest risk is that you just don’t really click or she tries to get you to join her Multi Level Marketing sheme. It’s normal to be nervous about this kind of social situation, especially when you haven’t done much socializing for a long time, vut yes, your husband is being totally ridiculous trying to put you off going and you should ignore him. The childcare cause is a great idea. Would you enjoy being a childminder? That’s a job that would fit in perfectly with looking after your own children and school hours. Or you could look into working in a nursery type setting but for that you might need childcare for your own children during the holidays. You are in charge of these decisions, not your husband. You don’t need his permission to see a friend at the park or to have a job. If he believes you do, I’d be considering divorcing him so he gets the message. If you do decide to leave, don’t tell him until you know where you stand on where you and the children will live and how you will survive money wise.

Please don't have any more children with him. He is abusive and controlling. This is a very dysfunctional relationship. He treats you like a second class citizen who has to wait on him hand and foot. I bet he thinks that childcare is "women's work".

Just seen your update about college. It's a great idea and I'd recommend you pursue that. Never mind about your husband wanting you to do a home business. You just get on with applying for college and say politely that you gave it some thought and this is what you want to do.

Maybe he just sounds sarcastic as you haven't yet made any friends?
There isn't enough to go on here to criticise the guy and it isn't his responsibility to ensure that his wife goes out and makes friends. 7 years is a long time to feel isolated. I am sorry OP.

College sounds like a great idea. Go for it!

Please, please. please do the college course. My heart leapt when you posted that.

He wants to keep you in your little prison.

Be strong. Keeping talking on here.

It's OK to be shy. It's not OK to be locked away from the world.

OP he wants you tied to the kitchen sink, with no life of your own, so that he doesn't have to do a thing. He thinks that if you go out, that's an hour/2/3 that you're not doing stuff at home and his life might not be quite so easy. You're not his wife, you're his cook, housekeeper, childminder, and shag and he doesn't want you to be anything else so he'll sabotage any attempt you make to have a life for yourself.

Please go to the park with your new friend, and I know it isn't easy in Islam but think about leaving him and living your own best life. You don't have to be at his beck and call every minute of every day.

And I bet he's thinking that if you have your own business he'll be able to tell you when you're allowed to work and what else you have to do during the day. If you get a paid position he can't do that. And he might even be thinking that your business will be such hard work you'll quickly give it up and go back to being his slave.

Sorry but your marriage sounds awful.

Op I wasn't saying you were blaming your husband I apologise if it came across that way
I meant every single poster immediately blamed your husband but I felt there was more to your story which there is

I'm not sure how religious your husband is or what he expects from a his wife I'm not sure if he has been racially abused and maybe that's why he is asking you to be careful

All I can say is from what I have read is that you are at home with the kids he is out working! So during the day could you not take your kids to the park? Meet with people from the nursery schools etc?
This is your life its upto you to take what you want from it!
It's great your motivated to get back into education if that's what you want to do
Go for it and make some friends that way also

I have no idea about your marriage but it's coming across as its not what you thought it might be like alot if peoples to be fair

I think some religions make it very difficult for the woman to leave but I hope there is a solution for you im sure there will be forums for women in your position that have some experience in what you are dealing with!
Of course I'm assuming alot you may be happy with your choices

This is isolation, wich is a premeditated and textbook form of abuse.

Are you sure op he meant it in a horrible way and not a sarcastic way due to this is a friend after many years of having none.
I can relate to you, in the sense that I moved far away from my family and friends, I did feel very lonely after I had my first two children. When I first got married, my dh did want to introduce me to other women that I could make friends with, I just didn't feel comfortable with him finding me friends! And to other women it may seem like am dying to make friends, also they all would already know each other, from same school, uni, or living in the same area, so felt I just wouldn't fit in naturally. Also I wasn't keen on making friends at that time as I was still seeing family and friends a lot. It's only after I had my second that it became difficult to go over to my family's whenever I wanted, and that's when the loneliness started to kick in.
I couldn't make friends with other pre school mums, as I felt I didn't fit in and also they were a lot older than me so it felt weird. I would talk to them in the playground and that's it.
I did eventually meet another mum in a baby centre, same age as me and we just clicked, had alot in common.
Am still in contact with her but due to the pandemic I haven't seen her and plus I've moved out of the area so no longer a walking distance away. I do remember when she first invited me to her house, dh was being funny about it, making jokes. We both laughed at it, only because it was my very first official friend!! could it be that's what your dh was also trying to do and you took it as him being mean?

I'm afraid with this sort of man he's probably so self-absorbed with this own stuff he'll never be enthusiastic about what you do.
Therefore just go ahead and do it. You especially need women friends not only for social support but also for emotional support if you aren't getting at home.
Don't take his lack of enthusiasm as a sign that he doesn't like it. He's obviously very insecure himself and doesn't like change or anything that 'influences' his very safe little setup he's got used to where he knows where you are at all times.
Go along and enjoy your friend's company. I'm sure she will enjoy your company too. Your husband may well get used to it if you do this more often.

Please do meet the friend at the park, it will be good for you and the kids. Definitely look in to a college course too! It's so easy to move away from home, have children and suddenly you no longer have a social life, very easy to forget about yourself in the midst of looking after your home and kids.

Have you ever heard of the phrase "chained to the kitchen sink" OP?

Because it seems that this is where he wants you, and he is manipulating you into keeping you isolated from everyone. You don't see your family and he wants to prevent you from getting to know other mums.

You say he has done this type of thing before, dripped doubt into your mind and you have bottled out of seeing people because he has scared you

I wouldn’t be surprised that on the day you are supposed to meet up with this other mum he comes up with an urgent issue that means you aren’t free to go.

Given your update what exactly does he bring to this marriage?. Apart from earning a huge salary if he is always at work.
What does he do that makes you happy?

Would your life improve if you didn’t have him making a mess and isolating and controlling you?

He might be concerned that you are expecting far more from this very casual park plan than the other mother, and investing too much emotional need in it. If so, you could be disappointed and feel let down if she fails to become a special friend.

  If he thinks that, it could be because he's had some experience of you feeling let down and disappointed . 

You have no friends; but you blame him for that... not encouraging you to make some. You had two childfree years, opportunity to "take time for yourself". You waited a year for someone else to suggest a walk in the park. You expect a lot from other people, depend on them to supply your needs.

 Go to the park , relax and enjoy it; but for goodness sake don't  lay too many demands and expectations on  the outing or the other Mum.   It's going to be a very casual outing , so keep it light.

The only thing you need to be careful about is not letting him control you.
Coercive control is when a person, usually your partner tries to control you for example by limiting you seeing your friends and family.
Going out with another mum is a perfectly normal thing to do and I hope you have a lovely day.

I think people are a bit confused as it makes no sense for him to warn you that a casual acquaintance might harm you in some undefined way. Would he warn you to be careful about the neighbours, his dad, the lady on the checkout at Tesco?

I don't think it's unusual for a husband not to know how to deal with anxiety, and thus not to actively encourage his wife to go out (or vice versa). But his mysterious warnings are just weird. Does he also suffer from anxiety or do you think he is deliberately trying to control you? I still don't understand what you mean.

he’s told me that it’s better if I start up my own buisness and work from home because I need to be at home for when the kids get back and keep on top of the house work.

Yeah, right, Better for him.
Not better for you, OP, who could benefit from the camaraderie of college & a workplace.

He also doesn't get to issue instructions to you about the housework - he lives in the house too, & is also responsible for "keeping up with the housework."

Keep an eye on that attitude as you begin to take up more of a role outside the home. You don't want to end up working and being 100% responsible for all childcare & household chores/admin.

Meet your friend, you don't need his permission. Also say to him now lockdown is easing and your DC is getting older you'd like to have one night a week doing book club, Zumba, singing,,, anything, you just want to go out and do a hobby where you make friends. His reaction will tell you everything.

He should be happy for you and encouraging you to go out with a new friend

I would say coercive control is about controlling you but in a way you think it is all your decisions

He's deliberately exploiting your anxiety by saying 'what could happen' etc - trying to stop you from making friends and keeping you indoors and anxious. Not a loving thing to do.

I imagine he's deeply insecure and worried you will leave him if you mix with other people and have more freedom. Which, by the sounds of your home life of doing everything for the kids and housework, is plausible. I take it that you're white, does he worry that a white wife who is seen out socialising will give the family a bad reputation or something?

I think it's wonderful that you want to do more with your life, you will need support to do it though. Especially if it turns out that he's determined to be a big block standing in your way.

Go and have fun OP. Ignore your husband. You are a person in your own right, not an extension of him.