My husband doesn’t like this?

[Hijabigirl234]

Hi so I got married 7 years ago now, 2 kids aged 5&4( next week) I left my home town 7 years ago when I got married to live with my husband, since that time I’ve never made any friends and ended up suffering with depression and aniexty over it. My husband has never encouraged me either to make friends etc or even offer to have the kids whilst I make time for myself. My son is about to finish nursery and I’ve been speaking to another mum their for the past year whilst they’ve been at nursery, our sons are about to go into the same class together in reception too. We are both on the nursery group chat together too and today we was talking and she said to me let’s do something next week with the kids like go to a park, she has a daughter about a year older than my daughter too. I felt nervous as it’s not something I’ve done before but I told her it sounds like a good idea so we exchanged our numbers on the group chat to arrange something for next week. I told my husband as I really felt happy about it even though a bit nervous as it’s out of my comfort zone I think this would be good for me to finally start making friends and my husband seemed to have a problem with it being sarcastic to me and telling me to be careful. I asked him what his problem was as I’ve been speaking to her for a year plus she knows the other mums very well and that’s what school mums do meet up somewhere to chat and take the kids too? AIBU to think this is a normal thing or is my husband right that I should be careful? I kind of feel like he is trying to isolate me now as he’s never encouraged me to make friends and when I seem to be making friends he has a problem with it and tries to put me off by scaring me into thinking something bad is going to happen if I meet up with her and kids.

Op deep down you must know it’s normal to go to the park with friends right? And that there is nothing to be nervous of or to be careful of? Before you met your husband did you have a normal life? Did you have friends, go out places?do you remember that?

Be careful of what? How does he think you or your kids will ever make friends if you aren't able to meet with another mum for the first time?

He's being a dickhead, I hope you have a lovely time with your new friend.

Has your husband never had his kids on his own ?
This is not normal.

Your plans are perfectly normal, can’t think why they wouldn’t be. Unless of course you have an abusive, controlling husband who has a knack for making you doubt yourself and your ability to make decisions.

The husband is the one you need to watch out for in my opinion and experience.

Your husband is the one you need to be careful of. What you’re doing is perfectly normal and for him to suggest otherwise is concerning.

You already know that his reaction is neither normal nor reasonable.

It sounds like he likes having you without any outside 'influences', i.e friends.

Does he 'expect' you to listen to this tripe and 'do what he says' ?

Do you still have friends from where you used to live ? Or family ?

I think he's scared if you get close female friends they'll tell you what a twat your DH is and you might leave

The only abnormal part.of this is your husbands reaction. Is he this controlling in other areas?

That gives me the shudders. Enjoy your day out.

Please meet your friend. It’s very normal and good for you and children.

Your husband is the one you need to be careful of

^ This. He is attempting to prevent you from having a circle of friends. He doesn't want you to have anyone but him, and seems to have done quite a good job of isolating you already.

Go and have a lovely time with your new friend.

I don't think he's being a controlling husband I think he knows you better that everyone on this thread and maybe he's worried about you putting too much on this one play date?

I find it strange you have been talking to her for a year but this will be your first play date there must be a reason for this whether your shy and have not asked anyone or to why this is the first of her asking you

I not a people person but when my kid started nursery I made an effort to get to know all the mums so that my DD would not miss out on park dates etc I didn't find it difficult I just asked them some did not take me up on the offer of a park date and that's OK

I know it's not easy for everyone I just find it a bit strange

This how you make new friends. Tomorrow I'm meeting up for coffee with 3 other mums while our children are at school.😳 They're going into year 5 in September and we've all been friends since meeting at a toddler group, then going to the same school nursery. I hope you get some nice friends to have fun with, and for your children to play with.

I'm glad that you've met someone to hang out with. I wouldn't mention it again to your husband and if he brings it up just say that you're looking forward to it.

I find it strange you have been talking to her for a year but this will be your first play date there must be a reason for this whether your shy and have not asked anyone or to why this is the first of her asking you

errrr.... just a thought but some people have found covid has rather inhibited their social lives

Careful in what sense. Covid? School mum friendship that could go wrong?

@JSL52

Has your husband never had his kids on his own ? This is not normal.

No he’s always working so it’s always been just me and the kids alone, my son is starting reception this coming September and it even feels weird to think about having no kids with me. My kids are 22 months apart aswell so it feels like the past 5 and a half years ( my oldest is 5 and a half) that I’ve just been stuck at home with no one to talk to as obviously all my family live about 2 hours away.

Is there any chance he was joking? If he doesn’t really get your anxiety then he might just have been making light of how anxious you sounded about a playdate in the park.

Fwiw my husband has never encouraged me to make friends (wouldnt occur to him) or sponaneously offered to look after our daughter so I could go out (ditto - but he happily looks after her if I have plans).

Not to say he isnt as controlling as the replies above seem to conclude but I’m not sure I had enough background to conclude this myself.

@Hankunamatata

Careful in what sense. Covid? School mum friendship that could go wrong?

I don’t know what he seemed to be implying was that be careful as you don’t know her she could do anything to you. After he said that I realised it is like he trying to isolate me, someone else asked about why he would encourage friendships either I mean that he has seen me be so lonely and home all the time alone with the kids never going anywhere but he never tells me that making friends would be good for me and encourage me to go out of my comfort zone etc. He just seems angry in a way that I’ve agreed to meeting up with someone and make friends with her, it wouldn’t just be good for me it would be good for my kids aswell I know that

Jesus. Obviously you were stuck with all the lockdowns and everything being shut, but in normal times you would have taken your kids to play groups, met some other parents and have a bit of a life!

It's more than normal to meet someone in a park for the kids to play.

I would very strongly advise you to join your local FB parent group, and start meeting people.

His attitude is not normal and it is concerning that he seems to want you to be isolated.

What are you going to do when the children are both at school? It would be good for you to start thinking about getting a job to earn some money for yourself and you would have a chance to make more friends among your colleagues or volunteering or taking up a sport or an interest. His attitude to what you do next will help you see whether this is really a control issue. If he doesn't support you in any of these things then you really need to start thinking is this what you want from your life? Do you want to be lonely forever? At the moment you have your children but they will eventually leave home what will you have if you are isolated for the next 15 years? Really think about these things.

If your Husband loves you he should want you to be happy, if he doesn't want you to be happy he doesn't love you.

You said he was being sarcastic when he told you to be careful - do you mean that you told him you were nervous, and he was being sarcastic about the idea that there was anything to be nervous about - laughing at you for feeling nervous?

When you say that he doesn't encourage you to make friends, do you mean that he actively tries to put you off making friends?

He is definitely trying to isolate you. I'll bet he was just saying that you should make friends etc. to placate you, and now that you are actually planning something he wants to worry you in the hopes that you'll cancel. That way, he can still be the 'good' guy as he did not out and out tell you to cancel, so you can't blame him directly in the future. It is very controlling and manipulative, and chances are he will do this every time you try and arrange something. So don't let him get into your head. Meeting up in the park with another mum is a perfectly normal, everyday occurrence-go and enjoy yourself.

yeah he is a dick who is trying to control you - does he do this in other ways like about money?