My husband doesn’t like this?

[Hijabigirl234]

Hi so I got married 7 years ago now, 2 kids aged 5&4( next week) I left my home town 7 years ago when I got married to live with my husband, since that time I’ve never made any friends and ended up suffering with depression and aniexty over it. My husband has never encouraged me either to make friends etc or even offer to have the kids whilst I make time for myself. My son is about to finish nursery and I’ve been speaking to another mum their for the past year whilst they’ve been at nursery, our sons are about to go into the same class together in reception too. We are both on the nursery group chat together too and today we was talking and she said to me let’s do something next week with the kids like go to a park, she has a daughter about a year older than my daughter too. I felt nervous as it’s not something I’ve done before but I told her it sounds like a good idea so we exchanged our numbers on the group chat to arrange something for next week. I told my husband as I really felt happy about it even though a bit nervous as it’s out of my comfort zone I think this would be good for me to finally start making friends and my husband seemed to have a problem with it being sarcastic to me and telling me to be careful. I asked him what his problem was as I’ve been speaking to her for a year plus she knows the other mums very well and that’s what school mums do meet up somewhere to chat and take the kids too? AIBU to think this is a normal thing or is my husband right that I should be careful? I kind of feel like he is trying to isolate me now as he’s never encouraged me to make friends and when I seem to be making friends he has a problem with it and tries to put me off by scaring me into thinking something bad is going to happen if I meet up with her and kids.

So you moved away from your support network and had children and you havent met any friends. Did you not take your DC out, go to clubs or groups or did your DH suggest that wasnt a good idea either? He is controlling and your quite right he is isolating you and i worry what will happen now as you try and exert yourself. So be prepared for the nasty part of your DH appear as you havent rocked the boat. Just out a matter of interest, do you not visit your family at all either?

I also have to wonder about what's going on here on your side, OP.

You can make friends with other parents with your kids in tow. You don't need him to babysit for that. And before you had your oldest you had no need for a babysitter anyway.

Didn't you go out when he wasn't working? Didn't you go out to baby groups pre-Covid?

It doesn't sound to me like he has encouraged you, no, and that might be because he's controlling. But it's not really up to your spouse to facilitate you making friends or manage your MH for you. It was for you to... Just do it.

Your husband sounds controlling, a poor husband and father, he shouldn't have them whilst you have a break, he should do his 50% sounds like he thinks it's womens work.
No way should you move from family and friends with a controling man.

I would have been lost without my school gate mates when DC were young. They were an incredible source of laughs/support/advice. The kids are late 20s now and some of those mums are still among my closest friends.

Your DH sounds possessive and controlling.

Careful of what? It is healthy for you and the children to go to the park with other people. It's not something I would ask permission for to be honest - I would just go,

Does he only want you to mix with people of the same religion?

OP, you say you are quite shy and you find it difficult to make friends. Many people are like that, you're in good company.

Little babies are a great way to meet new people, at baby groups, etc. It's a shame you didn't take the opportunity.

But you are right - the start of school is also a very good time to meet people, luckily. Dont waste this new opportunity.

Please don't let your husband's comments/doubts put you off this time. Laugh it off, just tell him, don't be silly DH, people make new friends at school all the time. Throw yourself into it, make the most of this new chance which won't present itself again. Your outlook and your mental health will thank you forever.

Good luck!

Is DH as lonely as you are, or does he have his own friends? Either way, you deserve to have friends. Friends through school contacts, friends through a hobby you should be able to start, friends through mosque (are there no young families there, with women who would be available to meet up with?).

This park date sounds like a lovely opportunity for you, OP. Maybe next time, you can suggest a park date to some other mums you like, and who have children your kids get along with.

Nothing bad is going to happen .. it will be good for you to make friends and good for your children. Is your husband controlling in any other way?

Ensure you go, don't let your husband put you off going.

Your family aren't that far away though-have you not seen them very often either?

So for 7 years you havent been out no friends no life and your anxious

no wonder why you havent been out he never lets you! what was he like before the dc came along

I met some Mums in the playground with our children in nursery. Completely normal to meet up with the children which can then lead on to meeting up without the children.

Our children are now 15 years old and we are still very close friends, we still meet up regularly. This is how you meet people. You don't interview and vet them. You are not meeting at midnight in a dark alley, you are going to the park.

I have some friends that are from a different religion to me or cultural backgrounds. I love them and enjoy spending time with them.

@diddl

Your family aren't that far away though-have you not seen them very often either?

That's a good point.

It's completely normal to make friends in this way. Please don't let either your husband or your anxiety stop you. The only way forward is to embrace the nerves - feel the fear - and just do it! Remember, the first time is always the worst.

I would also suggest that you share your nervousness with your new friend. Opening up and sharing in this way is how people form bonds. She will be flattered that you trust her enough to share your nerves, and I wouldn't be surprised if she admitted that she was also nervous. Then you can have a little laugh about it.

I also suggest that you Google coercive control.

It's the most normal thing in the world to meet other mums in the park with your kids. It's very weird of your DH to have a problem with this. I'm not sure quite why he thinks you should be "careful" of, it's really no different to going to the park by yourself or chatting to mum's at school. He doesn't sound like the best DH tbh.

I think the only person to be careful of is your Dh who is abusing you.
Coercive control is abuse.

Very controlling behaviour!

I’m on maternity leave and have messaged random mums on Peanut and local Facebook groups and we have arranged for meeting up in a local park for a walk. This is normal! We’ve recently moved to a new area before having DD and my husband has always encouraged me to join these groups and go on pram walks with my little one as I don’t really know anyone yet.

You might want to ask yourself what came first - your nervousness/shyness or your husband making comments to be careful of people? Because it sounds like he may have caused you to feel this way which of course suits him well if you just sit at home rather than meeting people and having a life. This way you have no support network around you which is vital when you have little ones. Your family are only 2 hours away, that’s not far at all, do you see them?

Not that I think it’s relevant at all but as it’s mentioned above, FWIW we are Muslim. This makes no difference really imo

I’m thinking that if we delve deeper into your relationship that we’ll find other issues - perhaps you aren’t even aware of yet.

Do you generally go along with his ideas? What happens if you disagree about something with him? Maybe you generally go along with his ideas because your really don’t mind, but I bet if you did go against what he wanted then you’d find that he doesn’t like that either. If that is the case, then I suggest you do oppose him in some way and watch his reaction carefully.

Of course you should make friends. I think he is worried you’ll realise that he’s controlling if you make friends and hear about their healthy relationships.

Really think about your relationship and how equal it is in terms of power, finance and respect.

This is very very concerning and the one poster who seems to think it's all you is being disingenuous. He doesn't want you to have friends and he's trying to frighten you and play on your insecurities.

If you converted to Islam I assume that means you are relatively religious? have you not even made any friends via your community? Attending mosque or other activities? I would have thought that even if you struggle with making new friends out and about that the natural rhythms of a religious-based community offers wonderful opportunities for friendship and socialising?

Your husband is a weirdo at best, and controlling and seeking to isolate you at worst.

Does he have friends?
Is he controlling when it comes to money, what is expected of you in terms of housework?

Do you have friends in the Muslim community or does he discourage that too?
Is there a women's support network in the Muslim community, some charity work you could do with other women?

Will he stop you getting a job ? I feel you need a bit of independence.

@TiredButDancing

This is very very concerning and the one poster who seems to think it's all you is being disingenuous. He doesn't want you to have friends and he's trying to frighten you and play on your insecurities.

If you converted to Islam I assume that means you are relatively religious? have you not even made any friends via your community? Attending mosque or other activities? I would have thought that even if you struggle with making new friends out and about that the natural rhythms of a religious-based community offers wonderful opportunities for friendship and socialising?

I did convert to Islam however I wouldn’t say I am “very” religious, I know my beliefs etc but I am not to the point as where I don’t want to make any friends who are not Muslim etc, I don’t know if it’s because she isn’t Muslim/Pakistani but he’s never indicated that that’s what the problem is. I don’t even have any friends who are Muslim let’s say, I only really speak to my mum,dad,husband,sister in law and that’s it.

It’s not that I’ve never wanted to make friends, and I know it’s not up to my husband to make friends for me either, what I meant by him by not encouraging me to get out and about was that even when he’s seen me at my lowest ( severe aniexty,mild depression telling him I feel so lonely ) he has never told me you should get out to such and such a place etc, it’ll be good for you etc. He’s always working and it’s always me since the kids are born at home 24/7,he seems to think I am out all day every day ( by this he means doing every single school run, which even when he’s at home he never offers to do so I can have a rest ) I manage everything house and kids wise,which is fine. But when he gets home he creates more mess than the kids and sits on his phone and doesn’t bother with the kids much. They pretty much rely on me for everything even when he does let’s say try to put them to bed and read them a story they both cry and scream for me to do it because they aren’t used to him doing anything.

Now that both the kids are in full time school from September I have been thinking about going back to college, I was even thinking about a childcare course and things which I have to be talking for so I can eventually come out of this social anxiety and shy head space, but he’s told me that it’s better if I start up my own buisness and work from home because I need to be at home for when the kids get back and keep on top of the house work.

Of course it's normal. Your husband is a controlling arsehole. Grasp onto that little bit of independence with all your strength. Make friends, go back to college. If your husband tries to stop you, he will just be proving to you that he doesn't care about you at all, except for your function as childcare and housework provider.

Your update is even worse. He does nothing in the home, ignores his DC and thinks you shouldnt bother going to work as you need to keep ontop of the housework. I wouldnt be looking to make friends, i would be looking to move back with my DC to family and start again. Doesnt sound like it would make much odds to your DC lives as he doesnt parent them anyway

Whether you work for yourself at home or out of the home, you're still working so, theoretically, would not be able to do as much housework. It seems to me that he wants you kept in a very small space - home, school run, and that's it. He doesn't want you to do things in case they inconvenience him and, most likely, in case you start to realise that the way you're living is not reasonable.

To be clear re my question re mosque - I'm not suggesting that he is using religion as an excuse to stop you seeing people (or that you are). I'm asking whether you are members of the local religious community - do you attend mosque etc? - as that is usually an excellent way to meet people. If you felt strongly enough about Islam to convert, my assumption is that you have some kind of specific religion-based activities in your life and if so, is that a good place for you to meet people even if you are shy? Nothing bonds a group of women than all contributing to the food for the community festival or helping each other look after the children during an event in my experience - religious or not.