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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband doesn’t like this?

128 replies

Hijabigirl234 · 13/07/2021 12:58

Hi so I got married 7 years ago now, 2 kids aged 5&4( next week) I left my home town 7 years ago when I got married to live with my husband, since that time I’ve never made any friends and ended up suffering with depression and aniexty over it. My husband has never encouraged me either to make friends etc or even offer to have the kids whilst I make time for myself. My son is about to finish nursery and I’ve been speaking to another mum their for the past year whilst they’ve been at nursery, our sons are about to go into the same class together in reception too. We are both on the nursery group chat together too and today we was talking and she said to me let’s do something next week with the kids like go to a park, she has a daughter about a year older than my daughter too. I felt nervous as it’s not something I’ve done before but I told her it sounds like a good idea so we exchanged our numbers on the group chat to arrange something for next week. I told my husband as I really felt happy about it even though a bit nervous as it’s out of my comfort zone I think this would be good for me to finally start making friends and my husband seemed to have a problem with it being sarcastic to me and telling me to be careful. I asked him what his problem was as I’ve been speaking to her for a year plus she knows the other mums very well and that’s what school mums do meet up somewhere to chat and take the kids too? AIBU to think this is a normal thing or is my husband right that I should be careful? I kind of feel like he is trying to isolate me now as he’s never encouraged me to make friends and when I seem to be making friends he has a problem with it and tries to put me off by scaring me into thinking something bad is going to happen if I meet up with her and kids.

OP posts:
butterpuffed · 13/07/2021 14:33

OP, apart from this recent friendship, I'm not clear about what went on before..

Why would he need to 'encourage' you to have friendships or did you mean he actively 'discouraged' them ?

TheGlassBlowersDaughter · 13/07/2021 14:34

Saying 'be careful' isn't a massive attempt to isolate you unless there is a giant backstory.
If you're usually quite an insular couple then starting to branch out into friendships will feel odd for you both at first but you just need to push through that adjustment period. We are in a pandemic, perhaps your DH was referring to that rather than stranger danger.

harverina · 13/07/2021 14:34

It’s very normal and such an ideal way to get to know people!

I would be a bit worried about his reaction tbh. He should be happy you’ve finally made a friend.

Greenrubber · 13/07/2021 14:35

@GnomeDePlume

Yes but she has a 5.5 year old there must be a reason why the op has made no friends in that time

Covid has not been going on that long

I think there is more to this story not let's all just blame the husband for one comment

The op also says he's never encouraged her to make friends? Why is it his fault she has not made friends? Most new mums make friends because of toddler groups /nursery etc

arethereanyleftatall · 13/07/2021 14:38

Op, do you mean that in the past 6 years, this is the first time you've taken your dc to the park with friends?

Gakatsbsk · 13/07/2021 14:39

Go to see her at the park, volunteer at the school, even look for a part time job (my mum became a midday supervisor / canteen assistant and classroom assistant - fit perfectly with school hours and it was at my school ). Your husband sounds like a controlling twat. I hope one day you get rid (I mean this nicely) x

fairycakes1234 · 13/07/2021 14:39

@Teacupsandtoast

Yes it's perfectly normal to go to the park with other school mums, enjoy a coffee and even have a night out. That's how you make friends.

Is he always a controlling prick?

@Teacupsandtoast: why? Oh why?
OnTheBrink1 · 13/07/2021 14:41

OP it’s definitely fine and normal to go to the park with another mum, or on days out / to the pub or out for a meal!
I am wondering though- as you have a school age daughter, did you go to any baby groups before covid? Do you not know any of the mums in your daughters class?

WheresMySnackPack · 13/07/2021 14:42

Ah see.

He got you to move away from your home town and is quite happy you being isolated, depressed and suffer with anxiety.

It's completely normal for parents to meet at parks etc with their kids.

He's a controlling piece of shit isn't he.

Original poster
Hijabigirl234 · 13/07/2021 14:42

[quote Greenrubber]@GnomeDePlume

Yes but she has a 5.5 year old there must be a reason why the op has made no friends in that time

Covid has not been going on that long

I think there is more to this story not let's all just blame the husband for one comment

The op also says he's never encouraged her to make friends? Why is it his fault she has not made friends? Most new mums make friends because of toddler groups /nursery etc[/quote]
I never blamed anything on my husband. I simply said I spoke to him about making a new friend at nursery and he told me to be careful in case anything happens I’m suggesting because I don’t know her that well. Yes my daughter is 5.5 and I’ve never made friends until now because I’ve constantly been stuck at home until my daughter started reception last September. And due to covid and the school being the way it is with the one way systems etc it is very hard because you are not allowed to stop and talk to people where as nursery their are fewer parents and we are able to talk whilst we wait outside the nursery l. I am a very shy person I will admit, I always worry people will not accept me, I’ve made friends in the past over places like Mumsnet etc but my husband has been the same be careful of meeting them because you don’t know them and I’ve got worried and anxious and kept cancelling plans till the point we’ve lost contact. Also we have been speaking about meeting throughout the year but it’s always been “ when restrictions get lifted a bit “ now the kids are finishing till September and our sons will be in the same class I assume this is probably a easier time for her too.

OP posts:
Oneearringlost · 13/07/2021 14:43

What is it about what he said, "Be careful", do you think he meant by that?
Is he insecure?
It's perfectly normal to socialise with other parents, both for your children and for yourself.
I realise that this comment in itself, raises alarm bells, but what is actually going on?
How have you got to nearly reception year without making your own friends and feeling secure in that?

JSL52 · 13/07/2021 14:43

It's not normal, he hasn't worked every single day since you had children.
Agree with others - you need to find a job once both kids are at school.
Also what do you like doing ? A run ? Get up early one Saturday/Sunday and tell him you're going for a run / to a class or something. (Could just be an hour at the shops )
You sound like a prisoner to your kids.

WheresMySnackPack · 13/07/2021 14:44

I've just seen your username and want to ask although you don't have to answer of course.

Are you the same religion or did you convert to his religion?

Oneearringlost · 13/07/2021 14:44

Sorry just read your above post.
What are your needs?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/07/2021 14:45

OP, you seem to be ignoring the fact that everyone is saying that your husband is very controlling and that it is not normal to be 'stuck at home' (your words) for five years without making any friends.

You do sound like a prisoner.

You don't need his permission to make friends/meet people/go to the park.

Get out. Get a job. Get a hobby. Do something!

Oneearringlost · 13/07/2021 14:46

They need validation, and not necessarily by your husband.
I too, am interested in you and your husband's cultural origins

Original poster
Hijabigirl234 · 13/07/2021 14:46

@WheresMySnackPack

I've just seen your username and want to ask although you don't have to answer of course.

Are you the same religion or did you convert to his religion?

I converted to Islam a few years before I met my husband
OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 13/07/2021 14:47

This is all very very strange op.
What do you mean you've been stuck inside for 6 years? Covid I get, but before that? Walks, parks, zoos, swimming, shopping, baby groups, toddler groups, holidays, street parties, chatting to neighbours etc etc
Most parents would go out every single day when they have small children, they'd surely be bouncing off the walls if you didn't?

1forAll74 · 13/07/2021 14:48

You need to open your horizons now, and go and meet the friend/friends, and take no notice of your partners views, What is he likely to do, if you do something for yourself?

NeedNewKnees · 13/07/2021 14:50

His behaviour is very controlling. Go and meet your new friend and have a lovely time.

Ourlady · 13/07/2021 14:53

Watch out OP. This is how he wants it. No friends, no life outside him and the kids.
Is this really how you want to live out the rest of your life?
Go to the park with your new friend and have a bloody great time.

TheGlassBlowersDaughter · 13/07/2021 14:53

Why were you stuck at home till your DD started reception? Did you never take your DCs to parent/baby groups or parent/toddler groups or bounce and rhyme /rhyme time at the library?

ChargingBuck · 13/07/2021 14:58

Your DH doesn't have to like it. You're not asking him to come.

Next time he makes derogatory or negative comments about your social life (which yeah ... I think he's looking to limit & control but ... let's not get ahead of myself here) - tell him to keep his beak out, 'cos you don't need his approval or permission.

I'd like to see how that lands with him.
Even more so, I'd like you to be taking very detailed mental notes about it.

Hoppinggreen · 13/07/2021 14:59

Maybe he is controlling or maybe he is anxious
Either way it will be brilliant for you to get out and meet people - nothing bad will happen. Obviously you dint go to the house of a complete stranger but you can meet in parks and if it’s somebody you know then you can visit eachother at home too.
When your child starts Reception you might meet even more Mums and end up with quite a nice little social life - hopefully your husband won’t be difficult about it

airbags · 13/07/2021 15:00

Who are the 2% that think that this is normal behaviour from her DH?!!!

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