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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

CF birthday party wibu

104 replies

Jensandwich · 13/07/2021 09:53

Hi first time poster so be gentle please 😀. For her upcoming birthday my DD has invited her friends to a local pizza place for a low key celebration. One of her friends brother ( let’s call him Adam) has his birthday on the exact same day as my DD. Adam and my DD are not friends( he is a bit older than her) but he will be coming to eat the pizza as we sometimes hang out together anyway. The plan for Adam’s birthday celebration was to invite everyone to a also local ice cream place to celebrate his birthday after the pizza place party for my DD. Yesterday his mom approached me saying that Adam has changed his mind,all he wants for his birthday is a console and therefore we won’t be going to the ice cream place. However she also asked me would it be ok if she brought a birthday cake for Adam to the pizza place where my DD’s bday will be celebrated so that all can sing happy birthday for him too.?? And I said no sorry I wanted to make it special for DD. Now thinking was I being unreasonable and a miserable cow?

OP posts:

onlyhereforthecake · 13/07/2021 12:31

She is nuts! (and a tight CF as well).

Why can't she take a couple of HIS friends somewhere and blow candles with them? If she wants to cancel all birthday celebrations because she is buying a console, that's up to her, but trying to gatecrash a little girl's party is beyond weird.

tallduckandhandsome · 13/07/2021 12:43

YANBU, I have CF family who do this, their DC is born around Easter and they bring a cake to the Easter get tgether so everyone has to give their DC birthday money.

Don't say yes, OP! She will then ask if it's ok for Adam to have a few friends, and then it REALLY won't be special for DD.

tallduckandhandsome · 13/07/2021 12:44

Do you even want to be paying for pizza for Adam and his mum, OP, or did they browbeat you into inviting them too?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/07/2021 12:44

@Kapsauss

So the mum wants a free party and half the credit, while you pay?? Sod that. Yanbu to tell her to jog on.

Exactly this ^

Cheeky mare!

newnortherner111 · 13/07/2021 12:45

You declined politely. Seems reasonable to me.

TwoLeftElbows · 13/07/2021 12:47

I appreciate the other mum is being a bit cheeky. However I'd rather teach my daughter to be inclusive and generous than to refuse to sing "happy birthday" to someone on their birthday, if their mum hasn't paid.

zoemum2006 · 13/07/2021 12:48

When I sang happy birthday to my DD id sing “and Adam” as part of it.

I’d tell people it was his birthday too before we starting singing.

I’d suggest his mum bring just a cupcake for him. A whole cake is too much and it’s not being given to the guests so nit necessary.

Bluedeblue · 13/07/2021 12:48

So the mum wants a free party and half the credit, while you pay??
Sod that. Yanbu to tell her to jog on

My thoughts exactly.

earthyfire · 13/07/2021 12:59

On my daughters 5th birthday she went to her friends birthday party from school but we didn't sing happy birthday to my daughter at her friends party. My daughter had her own party the following week. She was only 5 so it wasn't a massive deal to her as long as she had the party.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 13/07/2021 13:08

I'd be mortified at 12 to have a load of much younger sibs ' friends sing me happy birthday... He's not 3!

EssentialHummus · 13/07/2021 13:19

Maybe not CF - I wonder if the mum is just disappointed not to be throwing a party now for her rapidly growing up baby boy (who clearly would rather have a console than a fuss) and hoped for the chance of making a bit of a fuss of him anyway with the cake? If Adam is verging on the grunty teenager stage you've saved him that embarrassment - so not only were yanbu, you were v kind! Wish him Happy Birthday when you see him (pref in front of his mum so she can see his birthday acknowledged) and then crack on with celebrating DD's birthday.

I was thinking the same. TBH if I was his mum I'd maybe still take 1/2 of his good friends out with him for ice cream/McD's/whatever, and then the console as a main gift. If they're contemplating ££££ on a console or party it may not be a stretch.

Theorangeorange · 13/07/2021 13:38

So cheeky!!! I would have done the same...

ittakes2 · 13/07/2021 14:04

I have twins - they both attend each others parties but don't get cakes each at both - that would be 4 cakes!

Standrewsschool · 13/07/2021 15:37

I was expecting the dc to be four and six, in which case I would have allowed the cake. But twelve! What twelve year old wants ‘happy birthday’ sang at his younger sister’s friends birthday party?! It’s not even his sister’s party!

Clymene · 13/07/2021 15:43

Why don't they just sing happy birthday at home? I can't imagine a 12 year old boy is going to want a load of younger kids they don't know to sing to them anyway.

I don't think she's a cf exactly but I do think it's a really odd idea which is likely to make him cringe

Anotherhill · 13/07/2021 15:49

I disagree with the majority. If Adam is there as a child of family friends who were invited, then it’s perfectly fine to sing happy birthday to him too if it’s his birthday as well. I think it’d be odd not to. After all, if it was an adults birthday on the same day, wouldn’t you do a quick happy birthday to them after your daughter?

user1471538283 · 13/07/2021 16:43

Absolutely not and she has a cheek for asking!

Notwavingbutdrowing3 · 13/07/2021 20:19

@Anotherhill

No. But Adam is not even DDs friend - he's a 12 yo boy tagging into an ?8 year old girls own birthday party with his invited sister - that’s already DD “being nice” to feed him.

The original arrangement was DD then went with Adams sister to his birthday icecream party afterwards as Convenience for Adam’s mum and for Adams sister.

Adams family can afford a birthday party for him- he’s cancelled his own party as he wants the money instead for a games console for himself.

(It is nowhere near the same - as suggested by another Pp- as an adult’s family anniversary or big birthday party including a younger niece with a birthday too, as all the family are together in a cute way IF the adult themselves suggested it. )

I don’t know anyone who would interrupt a primary school aged child’s pizza birthday party to sing happy birthday WITH ANOTHER CAKE!! for an adult like you’ve suggested- don’t forget CF mum wants to bring out Adams birthday cake too!

I doubt DD wanted him to come anyway. Why should she be told to "be nice" - he’s not even her friend. It’s nice he’s been allowed to come along and he could easily have his own birthday cake at home with OP & DD popping by later to sing if CF mum wants more of a fuss made of him.

The only time my younger DC had 4 year older DC (age 12+!) at those ages was because they came as a friend of my child’s older siblings or that they were special friend of birthday DD who wanted them there. Not as a replacement for a random’s also birthday party.

blameitonthecaffeine · 14/07/2021 01:16

I don't think you're being unreasonable but this wouldn't bother me. I would've always acknowledged another child's birthday if they were attending a birthday party on the same day as their own. I'm sure everyone will be aware it's not his party and wouldn't make your DD day any less special

I agree with this. It wouldn't even occur to me that this was an unusual or unreasonable request. I would always sing happy birthday to anyone else whose birthday falls on the same day as a party of any kind.

The cake is maybe a bit OTT if you have a cake already but it wouldn't bother me. Maybe the mum had already bought the cake before her son turned down the party and is now looking for people to share it with.

Saoirse82 · 14/07/2021 03:13

How is the mum trying to get a free party by asking if kids could sing happy birthday to her son? Jesus, mumsnet is weird AF.

DifferentHair · 14/07/2021 04:04

If your daughter would be bothered by this then I think it's fair enough to say no.

But I don't think this would bother me TBH. I've definitely been to parties before where it happened to also be someone else's birthday and we ended up singing to them as well.

It actually seems sort of awkward to have someone in attendance on their birthday and not acknowledge that at all, especially when it's a child.

I don't think she's asking for a free party or even a shared one. It's your daughter's choice of activity, her friends, she'll be the one receiving gifts, her family there.... him having a song and a cake in that context isn't stealing half the party IMO. It's just a second cake and recognition that there's a child there whose birthday it also is.

HerMammy · 14/07/2021 04:11

Why have you invited Adam in the first place? 12 yr old at a party for 8 yr old girls, that are not friends 🤷🏼‍♀️
Free Adam, no pizza invite, no cake.

SmackMyAssnCallMeJudy · 14/07/2021 04:17

I have a 12YO DS who would be mortified by this.

But he wouldn’t be tagging along to his younger sister’s friend’s birthday on his birthday, so the issue wouldn’t arise.

There’s clearly more to this than meets the eye.

In any case, you’ve said no and Mum’s accepted it, so all sorted.

MiddleClassProblem · 14/07/2021 04:34

My first thought was maybe Adam had been bullied or people had pulls out of his party and that’s why it was cancelled and she’s not sure how to make his birthday special still.

I don’t think it would hurt to acknowledge his birthday or that anyone would think it’s was his party or give her credit but it also might be he would be embarrassed and she doesn’t see that.

SmackMyAssnCallMeJudy · 14/07/2021 04:41

Yes it could be an awkward situation where the Mum is trying to make things better, and unwittingly making it worse.

I hope that’s not the case.

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