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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make an excuse to not go to this wedding

88 replies

Cookiedough123 · 12/07/2021 00:47

I know I probably am being unreasonable but this situation is making me anxious.

Between the age of 16-20 I was with a guy. We were very much in love and happy etc. Near the end of the relationship I found messages from a girl he worked with. We eventually broke up and a few months later he was with her. It was a very very traumatic break up. I was devastated for months. I was so hurt. I never felt as though I had any closure.

Fast forward to now. I am 27, in a relationship for 5 years. Happy but currently having a tough time due to other factors going on. I have found out my ex is going to a family members wedding and they have also invited his girlfriend (same girl). Since I have found out I havent been able to stop thinking about it I feel self conscious, anxious and worried. I really really really don't want to go I know a lot of time has passed but I was in a very dark place when we broke up. I want to fake an illness on the day of the wedding but I feel like it would be obvious. I just really don't want to go and I need a believable, realistic reason as to why. The wedding is in 30 days..

How do I move on from this? Or should I just fake an excuse and not go?

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 12/07/2021 00:54

Totally unfair on the couple to have RSVPd for it and then pull out on the day. Just tell them the truth.

Merryoldgoat · 12/07/2021 01:00

Ok. Either they’re close enough you can tell them exactly that or they’re not, so you can just tell them you have had something come up.

Original poster
Cookiedough123 · 12/07/2021 01:02

Thinking about it I actually haven't returned the RSVP. I think because it's a cousin they are just assuming I am coming and because they saved the date months ago. I still don't know what I could say so far ahead to get out of it.

OP posts:
Clydesider · 12/07/2021 01:02

You're not at all unreasonable to feel this way. If you absolutely can't bear to go, I do think you should tell the bride & groom you're unable to attend as soon as possible. They night have someone else they could invite instead. Are the bride or groom aware of the past situation?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 12/07/2021 01:05

Don’t fail to show up on the day. That’s rude and unfair to the bride and groom. Maybe book yourself an urgent medical appointment that day (counselling).

Original poster
Cookiedough123 · 12/07/2021 01:07

Yes they are aware. Which I also find surprising that he was invited because of this. To most people though it was a long time ago. We have both moved on which is true but I havent seen this person since the day they left and although to most it was just a break up. To me it was the worst period of my life and a lot of old thoughts and feelings are coming back. I know this has nothing to do with me. It is up to them who they invite as it is their wedding.

OP posts:
atracurious · 12/07/2021 01:12

I wouldn't go if I were you. Anything that causes this much stress that isn't entirely necessary ie for work or some other important reason, I just scrap. The joy of being an adult is not being dragged to stuff you don't want to anymore!

What I would echo are the thoughts of all PP, you should excuse yourself as soon as possible, it's only fair.

withgraceinmyheart · 12/07/2021 01:12

How close are you to the couple? If your wedding something you’d be sad to miss?

The best way to deal with anxiety is generally to face it down rather than avoid it. Avoiding triggers gives them more power. You’ll probably find that seeing them isn’t a bad as you’re imagining it will be, and might help you with that last bit of moving on.

I recently saw someone I hadn’t seen in ages, and just a few minutes chatting with him made me realise how totally over him I was actually was. Really helped build my confidence!

ittakes2 · 12/07/2021 01:17

I think you have reached an important fork in the road in your life. Do you put on your big girl pants and face your fears and your past or do you run away in fear and hide in the shadows. My advice to you would be to do whatever you can to boost your confidence in the next 30 days and confront your fears. Not for your cousin's sake but for your own. It's highly likely you will realise its not such a big deal when you see them and your mind is making it worse than it is. Once you do this once you will find it easier to do again. There will be more times in your life where you need to muster this sort of confidence so worth practising now.

Lockdownbear · 12/07/2021 01:18

We were looking for a weekend away/ holiday and its the only weekend we could get. Sorry going to pull out.

Not ideal but I don't know how else you tell them in advance.

Bleachmycloths · 12/07/2021 02:02

Break through the barrier and go. Look your very best, show you’re happy with your OH. You will probably find that when you see your ex, you’ll see that he’s ‘just another guy’
Make the effort to approach him and his GF and say ‘long time, no see’ and ask how he is. Then quickly move on.
Believe me, you’ll be very proud of yourself.
Final piece of advice: watch your alcohol intake 😊
Good luck.

SheSaidHummingbird · 12/07/2021 02:04

You don't need to invent an excuse, Simply send your apologies and say that you can't attend.

If the couple really push for a reason (though I'm sure they won't as they must be busy organising the wedding), if you are close to your cousin and feel you can be honest then tell her how you feel and how uncomfortable you would feel to see your ex. Won't she understand?

SheSaidHummingbird · 12/07/2021 02:07

I can never understand why people feel obliged to lie and make up excuses in these situations, when the truth - in this case, lingering sadness and awful memories of a bad break up - is completely valid. False excuses are insulting to the person being lied to. Why cover the truth? Your feelings are valid.

Tavannach · 12/07/2021 02:40

I can never understand why people feel obliged to lie and make up excuses in these situations, when the truth - in this case, lingering sadness and awful memories of a bad break up - is completely valid. False excuses are insulting to the person being lied to. Why cover the truth? Your feelings are valid.

Totally this.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 12/07/2021 02:46

YANBU. I would not go either.
Just RSVP no.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/07/2021 02:53

Don't go, your choice, but I would go slay this dragon you've been hiding from all these years. See your ex, have a quick catch up, wish him well and move on with your life. It sounds like you've been carrying around a lot of emotional baggage. Here's a chance to let it all go.

FlowerArranger · 12/07/2021 03:00

Break through the barrier and go. Look your very best, show you’re happy with your OH. You will probably find that when you see your ex, you’ll see that he’s ‘just another guy’
Make the effort to approach him and his GF and say ‘long time, no see’ and ask how he is. Then quickly move on.
Believe me, you’ll be very proud of yourself.
Final piece of advice: watch your alcohol intake 😊

You will feel so much better if you do《THIS》
Believe me, as life's challenges go, this is so, so minor.
Better to face this challenge now than fall apart when the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune truly hit - which will happen at some point in your future.
What doesn't destroy you makes you stronger Flowers

Bleachmycloths · 12/07/2021 04:13

@Aquamarine1029

Don't go, your choice, but I would go slay this dragon you've been hiding from all these years. See your ex, have a quick catch up, wish him well and move on with your life. It sounds like you've been carrying around a lot of emotional baggage. Here's a chance to let it all go.
I totally agree.
QueenBee52 · 12/07/2021 04:43

I agree with everyone saying Don't Go...

why would you want to be anywhere near people who affected your well being so deeply..

screw that... Decline the invite .. don't give reasons.. just say you cannot make it... book a Spa day and be kind to yourself .. 🌸

SD1978 · 12/07/2021 05:47

Given it's only a mo th away and youve no doubt already missed the RSVP date- I'd assume you weren't coming

SarahBellam · 12/07/2021 07:03

I would show up looking and feeling fantastic. I’d spend this month maybe getting a few sessions of counselling to help prepare me, eating well, hitting the gym, and investing some time and money in myself. Showing up, and even saying hello and making a bit of small talk would really help you put the whole episode to bed.

OneAlabamaReturn · 12/07/2021 08:18

@SheSaidHummingbird

I can never understand why people feel obliged to lie and make up excuses in these situations, when the truth - in this case, lingering sadness and awful memories of a bad break up - is completely valid. False excuses are insulting to the person being lied to. Why cover the truth? Your feelings are valid.
Brilliant response.

I cringe at the advice to make up a stupid lie to get out of it.

Explain that you wont be going due to not being in a place personally where you want to be around those other people.

Apologise, but don't be persuaded into going , or be made to feel bad for not going.

RampantIvy · 12/07/2021 08:24

@SheSaidHummingbird

I can never understand why people feel obliged to lie and make up excuses in these situations, when the truth - in this case, lingering sadness and awful memories of a bad break up - is completely valid. False excuses are insulting to the person being lied to. Why cover the truth? Your feelings are valid.
I agree.
pinkcircustop · 12/07/2021 08:29

If you’re not going to go, RSVP now. Don’t invent an excuse on the day and rudely onto show up when you’ve been accounted and paid for.

Spanielstail · 12/07/2021 08:32

Don't pull out. My friend did it to mutual friend as an ex partner was going to be there. It ruined their friendship forever as she deemed that she put her feelings about her ex above her love for her friend and being there on her big day.

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