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AIBU?

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Original poster

To make an excuse to not go to this wedding

88 replies

Cookiedough123 · 12/07/2021 00:47

I know I probably am being unreasonable but this situation is making me anxious.

Between the age of 16-20 I was with a guy. We were very much in love and happy etc. Near the end of the relationship I found messages from a girl he worked with. We eventually broke up and a few months later he was with her. It was a very very traumatic break up. I was devastated for months. I was so hurt. I never felt as though I had any closure.

Fast forward to now. I am 27, in a relationship for 5 years. Happy but currently having a tough time due to other factors going on. I have found out my ex is going to a family members wedding and they have also invited his girlfriend (same girl). Since I have found out I havent been able to stop thinking about it I feel self conscious, anxious and worried. I really really really don't want to go I know a lot of time has passed but I was in a very dark place when we broke up. I want to fake an illness on the day of the wedding but I feel like it would be obvious. I just really don't want to go and I need a believable, realistic reason as to why. The wedding is in 30 days..

How do I move on from this? Or should I just fake an excuse and not go?

OP posts:
FunMcCool · 12/07/2021 09:58

Why has your cousin invited them?

supersop60 · 12/07/2021 09:59

What does your current partner think about this?
I'm not sure how I'd react if my bf was agitating over bumping into an ex, seven years later.
Your feelings are valid, as pp have said, but you need some help, as it seems you have not really moved on from this trauma.

LilacSloth · 12/07/2021 10:00

Don't pull out at the last minute - it is so inconsiderate and unkind. If you really don't feel you can go, tell your cousin now. Personally, I think you should go and try to have fun. If it's a family wedding I imagine you will know lots of other people there and will probably realise the thought of going and seeing your ex was way worse than the reality.

Josette77 · 12/07/2021 10:04

I think you should suck it up and go.

anon12345678901 · 12/07/2021 10:09

It's been 7 years, and you're in another relationship. I'm sorry your past relationship ended badly, but sometimes you never get closure and you just have to deal with it, that's life. If you want to pull out, do it now but be honest, if you can't be honest with your family member as to why you're not going, you know it's not a good enough reason. Does your current partner know you're feeling like this over a past boyfriend? And will he not be there to support you? This day isn't about you, it's about supporting your family member.

Pinkclarko · 12/07/2021 10:14

I’d pull out. To the people saying lying is stupid and her feelings are valid as they are-well of course they are but she doesn’t sound in a good place anyway right now and realistically isn’t going to muster the confidence to deal with this head on, I would pick my own battles. These are her feelings, not a self improvement opportunity. I mean yes, I think she needs to address all of this but perhaps now isn’t the time. I think people sometimes lie like this not to deceive or avoid awkwardness but to protect their feelings. If her cousin doesn’t understand where she’s coming from she’s going to feel under pressure and like her own feelings don’t matter. That said OP, if you feel you can be truthful to cousin then that would be ideal-they probably are too involved in their wedding to realise. But if you can’t, no drama! Pick from one of the excuses above, it’s not the crime of the century. Hope you resolve some of your stuff xxx

HarebrightCedarmoon · 12/07/2021 10:26

How big is the wedding? Are you really likely to have to talk to them or acknowledge them much, at all?

I would personally go and not let your life be ruled by the past break-up, of some years ago, I would understand if it was recent. I would also explain the situation to your cousin so that you are not sat on the same table with them. A good opportunity to go along, hold your head up high and show that you have moved on. Even if you haven't, properly. What do you think is the worst that can happen if you go?

TheTallOakTrees · 12/07/2021 10:29

@GiantHaystacks2021

YANBU. I would not go either. Just RSVP no.
Agreed. Strange that they invited him given they know how you feel and he is nor family.
RampantIvy · 12/07/2021 10:38

@ChainJane

Just text them the day before the wedding saying you've had a positive Covid test and are having to self-isolate. It's an easy way out with no drawbacks. (Just make sure you do stay at home for a couple of days though in case anyone spots you.)
No! Please don't do this. It is the height of selfishness to allow them to pay for you and then back out at the last minute.
Flowers500 · 12/07/2021 10:52

I think you’d feel a lot better if you go and face it. You’re unlikely to feel anywhere as bad as you do now, you won’t have to spend time with him and he’ll probably be less attractive than you remember

Youdiditanyway · 12/07/2021 10:57

I think you’ll feel better if you go personally. It was almost a decade ago now after all so you’ve surely matured and changed a lot in that time. You’re happy with your DP so go with him, make sure you look your best and just ignore your ex. Is it a big wedding? If so, you should be able to avoid him easily enough. You’ll probably find yourself thinking he isn’t all that anyway and wonder what on Earth you saw in him, it’s usually the case.

SmokeyDevil · 12/07/2021 10:59

I find it weird that your cousin would remain such good friends with your ex that they invited him to their wedding. Bit weird, especially since it was years ago and you were young at the time. And considering he cheated on you as well, I wouldn't even stay friends with someone like that, let alone invite them to my wedding. Some cousin to pick him over you basically.

Don't go if you don't want to, although I think you should tell your cousin the truth. They should know what a stupid decision they've made, and if they still stand by it, you know that they are not proper family.

Conkergame · 12/07/2021 10:59

Hi OP, I really feel for you as I have been in the same situation and it’s horrible, feeling all that anxiety.

One thing I can tell you from experience is that a) the fear is so much worse than the reality and b) really the best way through this is to face up to it. You can’t allow someone you used to date to have this much power over you all these years later, especially now you’re with someone else.

I dealt with it in the long term through cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) to help change my feelings about both the guy and the situation and it really helped. It allowed me to realise that he’s just a normal guy (nothing special!) who behaved badly and who should feel ashamed about how he treated me. And that I have nothing to feel ashamed or worried about.

In your shoes I’d let my current partner know that my nasty ex was going to be there with the person he cheated on me with - hopefully your new partner will have your back and make sure he looks after you all day. Then make sure you look fabulous on the day, and try to make sure you have one very brief “hi, long time no see, hope all’s good with you?” chat with him on the day, so it’s done. Otherwise just stick with your family, only have 1 drink max, and if you still feel rubbish then leave as soon as you feel able to, blaming a bad headache or something.

It will likely be absolutely fine and you will feel like a hero afterwards for having survived it, you’ll have learnt you no longer have to fear this couple and you won’t have caused any difficulties at a family event. Winning all round! Then in the longer term I would really advocate CBT, it worked wonders for me.

Best of luck Flowers

LoveManyTrustfewAlwaysPaddle · 12/07/2021 11:00

If I was your DP I would be mightily pissed off that seven years, trumped a teenage romance, I would seriously be questioning whether I wanted to move forward to any logical next steps. TBQH

LoveManyTrustfewAlwaysPaddle · 12/07/2021 11:01

That seven years was not trumped by a teenage romance. Even. Confused

30not13 · 12/07/2021 11:04

If you didnt confirm attendance via RSVP by now, 4 weeks ahead of the date, then surely you arent expected to be attending anyhow Confused

Flowers500 · 12/07/2021 12:04

@SmokeyDevil

I find it weird that your cousin would remain such good friends with your ex that they invited him to their wedding. Bit weird, especially since it was years ago and you were young at the time. And considering he cheated on you as well, I wouldn't even stay friends with someone like that, let alone invite them to my wedding. Some cousin to pick him over you basically.

Don't go if you don't want to, although I think you should tell your cousin the truth. They should know what a stupid decision they've made, and if they still stand by it, you know that they are not proper family.

I really doubt they drew up the list and s’aime “oh OP’s ex that we haven’t seen for a decade, let’s invite him!” Far more likely he or is his partner are a friend of the cousin’s finance, or a whole colleague?
YenneferOfBattenberg · 12/07/2021 12:09

Honestly? I'd go. Don't let your past control you now. If you would be happy and looking forward to the wedding otherwise, then don't give him the power to change that.
I can almost guarantee it won't be as bad as you are imagining, and if anything it is likely to help you fully move on and find closure.

SmokeyDevil · 12/07/2021 13:14

I really doubt they drew up the list and s’aime “oh OP’s ex that we haven’t seen for a decade, let’s invite him!” Far more likely he or is his partner are a friend of the cousin’s finance, or a whole colleague?

Honestly, I've seen people do worse things to their family. There isn't really a level now that will shock me. Maybe they are friends, but why remain friends with someone who hurt your family member? Surely if you were a decent person, you'd choose family over someone who hurt your cousin? And if it is the cousins partner that wanted to invite him, I'd have gone to my cousin and asked how they felt about that first, not just invited them without saying. It just shows a lack of giving a shit about family from the cousin, or worse.

Flowers500 · 12/07/2021 13:24

@SmokeyDevil

I really doubt they drew up the list and s’aime “oh OP’s ex that we haven’t seen for a decade, let’s invite him!” Far more likely he or is his partner are a friend of the cousin’s finance, or a whole colleague?

Honestly, I've seen people do worse things to their family. There isn't really a level now that will shock me. Maybe they are friends, but why remain friends with someone who hurt your family member? Surely if you were a decent person, you'd choose family over someone who hurt your cousin? And if it is the cousins partner that wanted to invite him, I'd have gone to my cousin and asked how they felt about that first, not just invited them without saying. It just shows a lack of giving a shit about family from the cousin, or worse.

I wouldn’t uninvite my friend because her plus one used to date my fiancé’s cousin 10 years ago…
MichelleScarn · 12/07/2021 13:32

So who from the 'ex' and their partner of 7 years is your cousins friend? Or is it cousin's spouse to be?

Did you and the ex live together or 'go out'?

drpet49 · 12/07/2021 13:51

* It's been 7 years, you're in a long term hopefully happy loving relationship. With all due respect this wedding isn't about you and it would be a pretty poor show if you pulled out for this reason. I'd say get it together and have a lovely time, you may not even speak to him the entire day.*

^This. YABU and maybe you should think about counselling as you clearly still have issues about this guy.

22Giraffes · 12/07/2021 14:06

What does your partner think? I think I'd find it quite hurtful that you were still so hung up on an ex after so long. If you are happy with your partner I don't see why you would need to show your ex how good you look or how well you're doing now. Your focus seems to be on the wrong person.

QueenBee52 · 12/07/2021 14:29

@22Giraffes

What does your partner think? I think I'd find it quite hurtful that you were still so hung up on an ex after so long. If you are happy with your partner I don't see why you would need to show your ex how good you look or how well you're doing now. Your focus seems to be on the wrong person.

Im not sure about being 'hung up on an ex'... rather that it's more to do with the damage to personal OP's mental health .. and this will take her right back to that traumatic time..

traumatic experiences could be any length of time ... there are no rules on what is considered to have damaged our mental wellbeing ... 🌸

Royalbloo · 12/07/2021 15:10

Oooh I'd go along because I'm nosey, and hope he looks like shit. Haha!

I would get a new dress, make sure I looked awesome, and go. See how it goes and then if you don't want to be there, feign illness and leave. Then you'll know how it has made you feel instead of imagining it'll be terrible.