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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make an excuse to not go to this wedding

88 replies

Cookiedough123 · 12/07/2021 00:47

I know I probably am being unreasonable but this situation is making me anxious.

Between the age of 16-20 I was with a guy. We were very much in love and happy etc. Near the end of the relationship I found messages from a girl he worked with. We eventually broke up and a few months later he was with her. It was a very very traumatic break up. I was devastated for months. I was so hurt. I never felt as though I had any closure.

Fast forward to now. I am 27, in a relationship for 5 years. Happy but currently having a tough time due to other factors going on. I have found out my ex is going to a family members wedding and they have also invited his girlfriend (same girl). Since I have found out I havent been able to stop thinking about it I feel self conscious, anxious and worried. I really really really don't want to go I know a lot of time has passed but I was in a very dark place when we broke up. I want to fake an illness on the day of the wedding but I feel like it would be obvious. I just really don't want to go and I need a believable, realistic reason as to why. The wedding is in 30 days..

How do I move on from this? Or should I just fake an excuse and not go?

OP posts:

Maunderingdrunkenly · 12/07/2021 15:27

I would go and face my demons but not drink - that could be a disaster

wizzywig · 12/07/2021 15:31

How will you explain this to your current partner?

WellLarDeDar · 12/07/2021 15:35

NGL I feel so bad for your current DP. I'd be so upset if my DH made a fuss about an ex from 7 years ago.

And I have been there as well so I do understand, I've had my heart so epically broken by an ex I cant even begin to explain how dark my world went. But you need to move on. I've seen ex since a few times where I couldn't avoid interacting with him and was nervous but eventually became totally indifferent. You have to face these things, that's one way of getting closure.

I had a lot of counselling and found it very helpful to imagine what it would feel like to not be bothered by him. Try to imagine yourself going to this wedding and not giving a crap that he's there.

It's really rude to say you're going to a wedding then not turn up last minute. I understand why you want to make up a lie but it's not the right thing to do. Either RSVP yes or no and stick to it, otherwise you're letting what happened to you turn you in to a liar, and you're better than that.

Notaroadrunner · 12/07/2021 15:37

You can get a decline card and just send that saying have a lovely day. You do not need to give a reason or make up excuses. I have done this for any wedding we don't go to. Nobody has ever come back and asked why we're not going. The last one was a cousin of Dh. We couldn't even be arsed organising childcare so we didn't bother going. We simply sent a generic wedding decline card - job done! Send it asap so they are not left wondering. If they do have the brass neck to question you just say you are not available - again no reasons or excuses.

miltonj · 12/07/2021 16:02

Even though weddings don't have restrictions on numbers anymore - some venues still do, if it's a smaller space, they have to have less people to make it 'covid secure'. If you don't come and back out on the day, that's a wasted space that could have gone to someone else, which isn't fair at all on the couple. If you're adamant you're not going, you need to do the grown up thing and tell them right away.
I do think that you'd enjoy it though.... go, look gorgeous, dance with your new partner, briefly say hi to old boyfriend, you'll come out feeling dignified and it might give you some closure/highlight to you, just how far you've come.

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/07/2021 16:53

Yes @miltonj. Ours does

55 instead of 75 and 20 in even

Tho hoping after todsy boris chat - sd will stop

They can hardly keep instructions us when sports like last nights football are packed with shouting and screaming

Newkitchen123 · 12/07/2021 17:02

@ChainJane

Just text them the day before the wedding saying you've had a positive Covid test and are having to self-isolate. It's an easy way out with no drawbacks. (Just make sure you do stay at home for a couple of days though in case anyone spots you.)

And cost the wedding couple how much per head? This is rude

Original poster

Cookiedough123 · 12/07/2021 20:14

Thanks for all the input. Last night I was having a late night stress about it whilst struggling to sleep. I'm a bit more chilled today.

So my current partner knows he is going but I havent told him its making me not want to go. He would literally say "don't be daft and just get on with it, we will have a good day" which I don't disagree with but he would be supportive whilst we were there. I think its because I have literally not seen this guy since he left as we don't exactly live close so I am possibly making a mountain out of a molehill.

He is invited as he is the grooms friend (they bonded at a family do). They haven't directly told me, which again made me a bit miffed because I would ask do you mind.. My cousins sister who I am closer to told me and basically pre warned me. At the time I did say I was disappointed they were invited and basically.. why!!? She didn't understand why either and said she was suprised as groom and ex aren't even close.

Originally it was only ex going which I basically got my head around but have found out in the last few days the girlfriend is going too. Which I think is where this extra anxiety about seeing them has come from. There is about 100 guests so unfortunately no avoiding them!

OP posts:

QueenBee52 · 12/07/2021 20:26

It's so easy for others to dismiss the emotional fallout of such a betrayal ... particularly one that left you so unwell OP..

You need to do what is right for You lady 🌸

Sssloou · 12/07/2021 20:32

@Cookiedough123

Thanks for all the input. Last night I was having a late night stress about it whilst struggling to sleep. I'm a bit more chilled today.

Sounds like your current partner is a good bloke. Open up to him diplomatically and ask for his support. Also your relative sounds sensitive as well - so you will be well supported.

I don’t know why you are surprised that a partner of 7 years is invited ? Odd if she wasn’t.

Likely they are more anxious than you as you are on “home turf” with family.

Work with your anxiety and know that you are making a mountain of a molehill and self sabotaging if you don’t go - whereas you could release this stress once and for all.

QueenBee52 · 12/07/2021 20:34

Sounds like your current partner is a good bloke. Open up to him diplomatically and ask for his support. Also your relative sounds sensitive as well - so you will be well supported

he does tbf 🌸

SnoopyLights · 12/07/2021 20:34

If you really don't want to go, return the RSVP now and just say that unfortunately you won't be able to attend. Leave it at that and don't explain further.

You don't have to explain why, and they might not actually ask.

If they do ask, I think you have three options:

Tell the truth and say the thought of seeing those two people is causing you anxiety and making you feel ill.

Make an excuse - self-isolating, sudden illness, hospital appointment you can't rearrange as it's taken forever to get it due to COVID.

Just keep repeating that something has come up which means you can't attend now, just without the explanation that what has come up is finding out two people you can't be around are on their guest list.

It might not be as bad as you think it is though, especially if you have your partner and your female cousin looking out for you on the day.

QueenBee52 · 30/07/2021 19:18

@Cookiedough123

Did you decide what to do OP 🌸

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