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AIBU?

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Original poster

To make an excuse to not go to this wedding

88 replies

Cookiedough123 · 12/07/2021 00:47

I know I probably am being unreasonable but this situation is making me anxious.

Between the age of 16-20 I was with a guy. We were very much in love and happy etc. Near the end of the relationship I found messages from a girl he worked with. We eventually broke up and a few months later he was with her. It was a very very traumatic break up. I was devastated for months. I was so hurt. I never felt as though I had any closure.

Fast forward to now. I am 27, in a relationship for 5 years. Happy but currently having a tough time due to other factors going on. I have found out my ex is going to a family members wedding and they have also invited his girlfriend (same girl). Since I have found out I havent been able to stop thinking about it I feel self conscious, anxious and worried. I really really really don't want to go I know a lot of time has passed but I was in a very dark place when we broke up. I want to fake an illness on the day of the wedding but I feel like it would be obvious. I just really don't want to go and I need a believable, realistic reason as to why. The wedding is in 30 days..

How do I move on from this? Or should I just fake an excuse and not go?

OP posts:
Whyo · 12/07/2021 08:38

@Spanielstail so the bride put her own feelings about that of her friend and chastised her for same? Some friend to invite her ex - sounds like a lucky escape for other friend…

Newkitchen123 · 12/07/2021 08:39

I think you should go and face it and hopefully you'll feel better
What does your partner think?

SteakChips · 12/07/2021 08:44

Sounds awful but can you just say sorry I can't make it that day. What is the options on the RSVP? If it's just yes or no just mark no and leave it. Why do you need to lie or make something up. That is making you more anxious and worried surely. They don't need to know why your not going. Bride and groom will be too busy to question. Good luck in your decision.

Middlesboroughgirl · 12/07/2021 08:44

I would just say that as they have invited your ex and the woman he left you for you can no longer go. You don't need to feel guilty about letting them down. They should have checked if you were OK with them coming if they wanted you to come.

ThePlantsitter · 12/07/2021 08:44

I would not want to miss a family wedding because of some fucker's behaviour years ago, but I love a family wedding and perhaps you don't.

I understand your feelings but I'm not sure b6ut attending an event that belongs to you really - your family not his - will make them go away, especially in the day you would be going. In my mind I'd be thinking about what the fucker had made me miss out on!!

If you do go it would be crystal clear with your cousin that you are not to be seated with or anywhere near him though.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 12/07/2021 08:45

Your decision, but do tell the couple (and tell them why if you don't go).

I would have been in a similar situation (though with a schoolfriend who bullied me) but my mutual friend asked me first if I was ok with her inviting the other woman. I appreciated the respwct.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 12/07/2021 08:47

I think if this is still affecting you to the point you cannot be in the same room as either of them then you need counselling.

My advice would be to go, don't make the day about them, make it about the happy couple, celebrate with them. Even if you don't have the best time then fake it like you are having the best time. Otherwise you are just admitting publicly that these people still have a hold over you and they may well believe if you duck out that you still have feelings for him. But definitely look into getting closure on it all.

MouldyPotato · 12/07/2021 09:16

I'd say you can't make it now rather than on the day. And if they push say you've found out ex has been invited and you've thought about it but you can't be in the same room as him.

Arsebucket · 12/07/2021 09:19

It’s a such a shame that you will have to be self isolating on that day.

Arsebucket · 12/07/2021 09:21

Or awaiting the results of a covid tests.

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/07/2021 09:21

Agree need to slay dragons

Least you know he will be there

Go with partner or friend and say hello. Move on

It’s 7yrs ago and you are happy now in a relationship, tho issues ?

ArsendLupin · 12/07/2021 09:24

I think you should tell them now in case they can change the numbers or invite someone else. If you pull out on the day you could easily cost them £60+ per head.

I'd just contact them to say 'sorry, think the RSVP date might have passed already but just to definitely confirm we won't be at the wedding. Hope you have a fantastic day and everything goes well! Lots of love'

Eleoura · 12/07/2021 09:34

Does your cousin know the issues you had with this ex??? Are you even certain that your ex/gf are even going to the wedding? How close are you to this cousin?

You are rude for not RSVP by now! Either RSVP that you are going, or not. Don't up stupid lies. If they ask, then be honest.

ColettesEarrings · 12/07/2021 09:39

It's 7 years ago. Either go to the wedding or don't. But for goodness sake let them know asap - them be confirming final numbers imminently if they have had to already!

newnortherner111 · 12/07/2021 09:41

Don't back out last minute, if you feel unable to go, say so now. If you have not been to any large events recently, you could blame the current level of Covid 19 infections if you wish, though I hope you could tell the truth that seeing the two people together is in a way triggering.

bumpertobumper · 12/07/2021 09:43

You say that this is bringing up all the hurt and memories of how awful that time in your life was because you never had any closure with him.
What helps to get over these sort of experiences is to see the person in question...
you are still carrying an open wound and the best thing to heal it is to see him - currently the thought of seeing him has way too much power - look what it is doing to you now. It's not even about him the person, it's about the emotions the thought of him evokes.
The best thing to do is face it, go to the wedding, see him. This will be the closure, all that pain can be laid to rest and you will finally be over it.

You are handing so much power to the pain if you don't go to the wedding because of this- please don't do this to yourself. This is an opportunity to heal and move on.

Fullofglee · 12/07/2021 09:44

I'm going to be blunt here but it was7 years ago you've been broken up longer than you were together and you were young, the fact they are still together says it all. Sometimes things don't work out more so when your young but it's how you handle it, you didn't have a home or children together. Go to the wedding don't mess your cousin about and hold your head up high.

Sssloou · 12/07/2021 09:44

If you don’t go will it be the talk of the family / wedding and will everyone know why - which could be worse?

How much do you care for your cousin?

Are there other relatives / friends that you rarely see that you would miss out on?

Would your parents / siblings etc be disappointed and miss you being there?

Were you looking forward to this?

You have disproportionate anxiety which you need to deal with because you have been holding unprocessed trauma for 7 years which is hijacking your emotional and social life.

Unless he is some evil abusive vindictive bully who would harass and humiliate you on the day then you need to develop coping strategies so that your avoidance behaviors don’t sabotage your life.

When we are emotionally threatened our mind spins us off into stress reactions and imagined scenarios which cause us to fight or flight or freeze ..... you have defaulted to flight. You can work on your emotional regulation so that you can cope with the situation. It would be a really important learning opportunity for you - it will not be as bad as you imagine - the anticipation is worst that the event and you will feel relieved and can choose to take your own closure from this to move on with your life peacefully.

Killahangilion · 12/07/2021 09:47

Personally, I’d go in your position.

You’re making this into something much bigger than it is.

Go and see for yourself that this person is just someone you used to date when you were younger. Say hello and then move on and speak to someone else.

Feel the fear and do it anyway and let yourself move forwards. You were teenagers when you dated. You shouldn’t let stuff that happened years ago hold you back.

Sssloou · 12/07/2021 09:47

If you go - I would have a couple of contingency exit strategies in your head if you because overwhelmed eg slip away after the meal. Often if we know we can escape / control the situation it takes all the anxiety out and we never get so overwhelmed in the first place to need the exit plan.

Cvxnnjj · 12/07/2021 09:49

Never apologise, never explain!

Just reply declining the invitation.

ChainJane · 12/07/2021 09:51

Just text them the day before the wedding saying you've had a positive Covid test and are having to self-isolate. It's an easy way out with no drawbacks. (Just make sure you do stay at home for a couple of days though in case anyone spots you.)

Littlepaws18 · 12/07/2021 09:53

I'm getting married and it costs around £100 per person just for the day do. Your cousin will be more relieved they can cancel your place and get a refund. Tell them now so they don't have to pay up.

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/07/2021 09:56

@Fullofglee

I'm going to be blunt here but it was7 years ago you've been broken up longer than you were together and you were young, the fact they are still together says it all. Sometimes things don't work out more so when your young but it's how you handle it, you didn't have a home or children together. Go to the wedding don't mess your cousin about and hold your head up high.
Also this

If you can’t make or don’t want to. Tell them now , it costs the couple money and under restrictions, tho may be gone July 19: they may invite someone else

Elbels · 12/07/2021 09:57

All the people here suggesting you should 'self isolate' and give the bride and groom no warning.

How utterly selfish.

It's been 7 years, you're in a long term hopefully happy loving relationship. With all due respect this wedding isn't about you and it would be a pretty poor show if you pulled out for this reason. I'd say get it together and have a lovely time, you may not even speak to him the entire day.