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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU: PIL compare baby to dog

117 replies

Caritas · 11/07/2021 17:14

For several years, DH and I have endured a difficult relationship with his parents, including several months of no communication last year. However since the birth of our son (their first grandchild), who is now almost three months old, relations have significantly improved and they genuinely seem to care and be making an effort with him and us.

We've so far seen them three times since DS's birth, but video call weekly due to living a fair way from them. They've also recently acquired a new puppy which they dote on and treat like a child, and therein lies the issue. Every time we've called or seen them, they always draw comparisons between our baby and the dog, be it behaviour, sleepless nights or milestones, and often in ways to downplay our news. When we told them DS had started smiling for example, their response was to inform us their puppy had started 'smiling' Hmm. Every time we send them photos of their grandson, they respond with images of their puppy and saying how 'similar' they both are. MIL frequently refers to it as their second grandchild and DH's 'sibling', and how much she's looking forward to them 'growing up together'. They know that DH and I've never had any interest in dogs, so do not particularly appreciate these comparisons between our baby and an animal on a daily basis. DH has gently tried to hint this on several occasions, without wishing to offend them and cause a further rift, but so far without much success.

Would we BU to tell them of our dislike of these comparisons the next time it happens? I appreciate the dog means a lot to them, but would prefer not to have it given the same level of importance as their grandchild, every time we see them.

OP posts:
EleanorOlephantisjustfine · 11/07/2021 18:44

To be fair we call our dog our son’s sister. I’m not sure I’d do that with someone else’s baby, even if it was my grandchild. I can see why you aren’t keen and feel a bit bemused but great advice by @KarmaStar

lemorella · 11/07/2021 18:47

That's soooooo weird of them to do.

You'll always get the barmy dog brigade commenting that puppies are exactly the same as babies, if not even more precious bla bla but it's not the same, or even close.

I agree with PP that it sounds like a conversation extender and they are filling a hole in their lives with a puppy, which is okay.

If you don't really like dogs, getting lots of pictures and 'milestone' updates is understandably weird and annoying whilst your amazing little human is wowing you with their daily progress.

I'd just let it wash over you tbh, silently roll eyes to the back of your head.

Carboholic · 11/07/2021 19:01

I would say that from this point on the weekly video calls are starting to be a bit too frequent. Biweekly phone calls with DH only?

Lalliella · 11/07/2021 19:02

@Tenbob

I would start having some fun with it…

‘PIL, we have been trying to teach DS ‘sit’ and ‘stay’ this week. He is really good at it! How is dog’s coming along?
I think we will wait a few months for ‘roll over’ so let’s see who can do it first!’

‘PIL, we’ve taken Ds to baby sensory today. He loved it! We have been on Amazon and bought some coloured scarves and jingle bells for you so you can do it with puppy! I’m sure they will love it as much as DS does’

^^ this absolutely! You’ve got to take the piss out of them! And it shows them you’ve noticed the comparing thing.
MaMelon · 11/07/2021 19:05

Agree - take absolute piss out of their comparisons. You could have some fun with this Grin

Puppalicious · 11/07/2021 19:08

Most (sensible) parents soon come to the realisation that no one really cares that much about their kids. The one exception though would be grandparents. If your own mum and dad don’t care about your children, who will? At the end of the day though, some people are shit parents - and in my mind that includes people who rank dogs as equivalent to their own children and grandchildren. I see that relations have been bad in the past which is unsurprising (shit parents are shit parents) but I would relegate them fairly coldly to an irrelevance in my mind - distant politeness only. For your DH its different of course - I would support him as necessary.

PerveenMistry · 11/07/2021 19:10

@Tenbob

I would start having some fun with it…

‘PIL, we have been trying to teach DS ‘sit’ and ‘stay’ this week. He is really good at it! How is dog’s coming along?
I think we will wait a few months for ‘roll over’ so let’s see who can do it first!’

‘PIL, we’ve taken Ds to baby sensory today. He loved it! We have been on Amazon and bought some coloured scarves and jingle bells for you so you can do it with puppy! I’m sure they will love it as much as DS does’

Perfect!

Caritas · 11/07/2021 19:31

Describing their dog as DH's sibling amused me more than it annoyed me. DH has always told me about how much they spoilt their dogs during his childhood, like often mixing his name up with their dog's etc. No pun intended, but it will probably be impossible to teach an old dog new tricks, even with the arrival of their only grandchild.

For those saying that most people will not truly be interested in our DS, yes this is probably true (and probably far more so with dogs), but at least his grandparents should be, without needing to make constant comparisons to their dog. Though as someone advised, I might consider suggesting to DH that we reduce the frequency of calls if it persists.

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 11/07/2021 19:36

When you say it's a strained relationship and you were hoping to heal the rift, what sort of relationship were you hoping you would end up with these people?

Because clearly they are bonkers. You sound like a nice person who has got married, had a baby and was expecting some grandparents who would be interested in their grandchild.

These people are never going to have this relationship with you. They maintained NC for months and then only recovered the relationship so they could tell you every week how much their dog means to them. Not their son, their DIL or their grandchild, but their dog.

If you are encouraging your DH to maintain the contact then at this point I'd stop. If it's coming from DH then I'd let him go it alone - they are his parents so it's his effort.

Yes you both might be worried about offending them but you are all adults now, if DH can't speak to them as another adult for fear of them going off in a huff then that in itself speaks volumes about them and the worth of the relationship. Christmas, birthdays, possibly Easter at most.

wanderedlonelyasacloud · 11/07/2021 19:49

I agree with what most people are saying in that yanbu and they are taking it too far eg saying their dog smiled!?

Ages ago I went to a bbq, lots of family friends there, those with dogs brought them with them. One person had a 3 or 4 month old baby and were saying how tough it was having no sleep. Someone piped up saying "oh yes we never get any sleep at all with "peanut"" (random dogs name) and they then launched into a huge long monologue about how much harder it was to have a dog than a child. But the funny thing was they didnt have any children so nothing to compare it to. I glanced around the group of people and everyone was really cringing at them for going on and on about it.

Tal45 · 11/07/2021 20:26

They are obviously people who absolutely adore dogs, I'd not take it personally, just take bets on what their puppy with have achieved this week, have a little laugh at how over the top they are after you've spoken to them, and don't take it too seriously.

Sparklfairy · 11/07/2021 20:33

Jesus. I've only skimmed the thread but if they're really using a puppy to compete with you then just smile and say oh yes of course aren't dog years 7x faster?

Its mean. I love dogs. But obviously they do things at a faster rate as they do in all things... life? Hmm

Allington · 11/07/2021 20:38

@Caritas

Describing their dog as DH's sibling amused me more than it annoyed me. DH has always told me about how much they spoilt their dogs during his childhood, like often mixing his name up with their dog's etc. No pun intended, but it will probably be impossible to teach an old dog new tricks, even with the arrival of their only grandchild.

For those saying that most people will not truly be interested in our DS, yes this is probably true (and probably far more so with dogs), but at least his grandparents should be, without needing to make constant comparisons to their dog. Though as someone advised, I might consider suggesting to DH that we reduce the frequency of calls if it persists.

Well, my DF did this - he was a great father but was so used to telling the dog off he mixed up the dog's name, my brother's name and my name... I was very offended. Now find myself mixing up DD2's name and DDog's name. Before DD1 moved out mixed up DD1 and DD2's name.

Much as I love DDog I wouldn't hesitate for a moment to put DD2 (or DD1) first. I just call DDog to me more so her name gets front of mind....

I have an aunt and cousin who see their cats as their babies. Seems batshit to me, but they have been lovely and supportive to me as a parent, so I just shrug my shoulders and don't get offended.

Tbh, young babies are less interesting/cute than puppies of the same age... Grin

londonrach · 11/07/2021 20:41

Tbh puppy are as bad a babies re sleep. Ive had several friends say they prefer a newborn baby ro a puppy. But anything else including a smile from a puppy is strange. Its a dog not a baby.

Vispa · 11/07/2021 20:43

At least it's their dog...my DM does this with her chickens... 🤣

Disfordarkchocolate · 11/07/2021 20:48

I'd be making less of an effort with them. They want the focus on them, not your child. Odd.

I never think it's worth making an effort for a child to know their grandparents when they were not good parents.

Floralnomad · 11/07/2021 20:48

Just leave them be , what harm are they doing . Our dog is most definitely the younger brother here , he sends and receives cards ( with immediate family ) , has presents on his birthday and Christmas etc . I don’t inflict him or our madness on people outside of our immediate family .

Paddling654 · 11/07/2021 20:51

My guess is, they feel slightly threatened at losing control and this is their way of putting you all on an even footing. Some of those tenuous links were so ridiculous that I wonder if they can bear the attention being elsewhere.

If it wasn't the dog, they'd think of something else. This is much better than 'How is MY baby' talk. They have a focus.

That said, in your DP's position, I would say 'My baby is not a dog so stop comparing them, it hacks me off.' And let it be known it makes him grumpy.

BastardMonkfish · 11/07/2021 20:51

'Most (sensible) parents soon come to the realisation that no one really cares that much about their kids.'

No one really cares about other peoples dogs either tbf.

BastardMonkfish · 11/07/2021 20:53

@Vispa

At least it's their dog...my DM does this with her chickens... 🤣
I'm imagining her like Mayor Goodway from Paw Patrol Grin
SleepingStandingUp · 11/07/2021 20:53

Most (sensible) parents soon come to the realisation that no one really cares that much about their kids
I find this such a sad attitude. I care about my friends children and my niblings. Even before I had my own. My nephew was my first unconditional love

bluegreygreen · 11/07/2021 20:56

Or they could simply be sharing their news, the way families on video calls have been doing all through lockdown?

Conversation usually goes 2 ways ...

Imohsotired · 11/07/2021 21:01

Maybe they’re just trying to converse? Like you share some news, they share some news? Maybe if it wasn’t covid times they’d have more to share than their new pup but they probably don’t have a whole lot else going on like most of us. I honestly think you’re being a bit harsh on them, the conservation would be pretty one sided if they just responded with cute/lovely etc.

longwayoff · 11/07/2021 21:03

Oh for heavens sake. They are not doing any harm, get off it. You've not got enough to worry about.

Ohpulltheotherone · 11/07/2021 21:11

It sounds batshit but I wouldn’t take it personally.

Some people love dogs. Some people really don’t care about babies - even ones they are related to.

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