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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask questions about autism.

282 replies

coodawoodashooda · 09/07/2021 19:06

About 10 years ago i was in a meeting about autism. The leader said something like, 'if the child could......... then they didnt have autism. What was the quality that was being referred to? Was it empathy? I cant remember and for various personal reasons id really like to know.

OP posts:
Vanishun · 10/07/2021 05:20

Seeking diagnosis does not mean he will get one, and it might mean he gets a proper diagnosis for whatever he's going through, and better support from the school either way.

Original poster
coodawoodashooda · 10/07/2021 05:20

RickiTarr

Thank you. I've been to the gp. I haven't yet heard back.

OP posts:
Original poster
coodawoodashooda · 10/07/2021 05:35

Vanishun

Nobody has explained why it isnt.
I don't think that I have the right to get a label for anyone, particularly if it changes the opportunities that life can offer. I think that is an adult decision for him to make about him. Not me.

OP posts:
Vanishun · 10/07/2021 05:42

It feels a bit like hitting your head against a wall.

Getting diagnosed early is the best thing you could do for him.

If he is autistic, you will stop him constantly feeling like a a failure during some of his most fundamental years. You will help him find his tribe and understand his identity.

If he isn't, the worst that's happened is that you've explored one possible thing that might have helped him.

RickiTarr · 10/07/2021 05:44

@coodawoodashooda

Vanishun

Nobody has explained why it isnt.
I don't think that I have the right to get a label for anyone, particularly if it changes the opportunities that life can offer. I think that is an adult decision for him to make about him. Not me.

That’s interesting. You’ve suggested the issue might be PTSD. Why do you think ASC is a “label” but PTSD isn’t? Why do you see them as different?

An autism diagnosis wouldn’t diminish any of his life possibilities, if that’s what it turned out to be.

I think a lot of parents go through the “I don’t want my child labelled” stage, TBH. Just get him screened and assessed properly and go from there. You don’t know what the issue is yet.

Do you want to tell us what the concerns are?

RickiTarr · 10/07/2021 05:49

@coodawoodashooda

toastandtea

I don't think that you can therapy the autism out of someone. I do think that therapy can help validate how you experience society and yourself. It can help you recognise your strengths and weaknesses. I dont see why that experience is so far apart from a diagnosis.

Psychotherapy wouldn’t really be a very relevant approach for autism itself.

Speech therapy, occupational therapy and/or social skills training would be common interventions for autism.

So it wouldn’t really usually happen like that.

Vanishun · 10/07/2021 05:52

I can imagine that many parents like to stick their heads in the sand and pretend it's not an issue - even while others are tearing their hair out in frustration because something's clearly wrong.

If a child is autistic and gets diagnosed, that could help so much with understanding from professionals like doctors, dentists, teachers; accommodations at university; accommodations and protected characteristics at work, and so on. As well as self-understanding. All of these are good things.

Vanishun · 10/07/2021 05:54

And yes I had years of intermittent therapy to try and fix my issues (including physical sensitivities and lack of understanding how to communicate). My failure at therapy only compounded my general sense of failure.

In retrospect, of course you can't therapy away sensitivities to light, noise and heat. Of course you can't teach someone how to make their brain work normally.

RickiTarr · 10/07/2021 05:55

I think it’s quite common to be avoidant when you’re facing a big unknown. The solution is to take everything step by step and try not to panic.

Original poster
coodawoodashooda · 10/07/2021 05:59

Vanishun

My head is not in the sand. I haven't decided what i think. Im working out what I think which is why I posted. Not agreeing with you doesn't mean om ignorant.

OP posts:
Original poster
coodawoodashooda · 10/07/2021 06:00

RickiTarr

I haven't avoided anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
coodawoodashooda · 10/07/2021 06:01

RickiTarr
Ptsd doesn't have life lomg connotations.

OP posts:
Mintyt · 10/07/2021 06:03

I have an autistic GD who is non verbal, I saw a dad of an Adult son who was autistic say when you meet an autistic person you have met that autistic person, as all autistic people are very different. That that really got me.

RickiTarr · 10/07/2021 06:08

There are two completely separate issues here TBH @coodawoodashooda , aren’t there?

There’s your boy, who you know well and we don’t know at all, and competing theories from you and the school about what’s troubling him. That’s a big complicated thing for you to work through and nobody will be able to comment specifically on your DS, or whether he has autism or PTSD. So we are just trying to help with general information.

OTOH, there is autism, how it presents, how it’s best supported, what it feels like, what helps…and a lot of us here know a fair amount about that so feel qualified to contradict your “psychotherapy is as good as a diagnosis if you have autism” theory.

The two things don’t have to conflict.

I completely appreciate that you’re working your situation through, thinking out loud on the thread. I hope it helps.

But you will get a bit of gentle pushback if you keep insisting that we are all tackling our autism and our children’s autism in the “wrong” way and that psychotherapy is better than diagnosis.

RickiTarr · 10/07/2021 06:12

@coodawoodashooda

RickiTarr

I haven't avoided anything.

I just meant that feeling of “No it’s not autism and even if it is autism I don’t want a ‘label’”.

I think a lot of us have been there, at least for a while, if we have had children assessed.

It might well be that your DS has PTSD, or some other issue entirely. None of us can say. Of course you’re hoping it’s something “treatable”.

Original poster
coodawoodashooda · 10/07/2021 06:12

RickiTarr

Im not trying to imply that anyone is doing anything wrong. Each to their own. Yes. Im using this as a place to think out loud. Im a single parent and am limited with who apprecites our very complicated circumstances.

OP posts:
decoratedstandardlamp · 10/07/2021 06:14

@Orf1abc

It’s a spectrum that everyone is on somewhere.

No, not everyone is on the spectrum. You're either autistic or you're not.

I didn't know this. I've heard and said many times myself that we are all on the spectrum somewhere.
Original poster
coodawoodashooda · 10/07/2021 06:14

RickiTarr

Ptsd wouldn't be treatable until we can shake off the abuser. That comes in the form of his father andcwe have a good few years before we'll be able to do that.

OP posts:
RickiTarr · 10/07/2021 06:14

@coodawoodashooda

RickiTarr

Im not trying to imply that anyone is doing anything wrong. Each to their own. Yes. Im using this as a place to think out loud. Im a single parent and am limited with who apprecites our very complicated circumstances.

Yes I completely get that. I do really hope it’s helping.
RickiTarr · 10/07/2021 06:16

@coodawoodashooda

RickiTarr

Ptsd wouldn't be treatable until we can shake off the abuser. That comes in the form of his father andcwe have a good few years before we'll be able to do that.

I’ve been there too. “Luckily” he did something silly and illegal that let us shake him off earlier than anticipated. It sounds a horrible situation you’re in. I hope your luck changes.
Original poster
coodawoodashooda · 10/07/2021 06:34

RickiTarr

Its impossible. There was a thread on here years ago called, 'the unending punishment of breeding with a fkwit,' and that probably sums up our situation best. If only, 'bastard', could be diagnosed life would be so much easier.

OP posts:
NiceTwin · 10/07/2021 07:01

My GP was the first to suggest my dd may have ADD and referred us into CAMHS, I had taken her for low moods when she was 13.
Her diagnosis came back as ASD and she said not to see it as a label but as a road map to better understanding my dd.
I totally get what she says, it is so multi faceted that you can't go off down one road, there are many turns along the way.

Although no longer my GP, she always asks after my dd when I see her. She changed our lives by referring us in and I am ashamed to say, I had absolutely no inkling my dd was autistic, I just had her down as a bright, quirky kid from a young age.

5zeds · 10/07/2021 07:03

@Vanishun It's a bit galling that you're ignoring every single person on this thread OP and going back to your "surely if you know you're shit at something, that's just as good as knowing why" position. I don’t find it galling at all and I really don’t think OP needs to validate your understanding of life by changing her own. I don’t feel bothered at all by OP asking perfectly valid questions and trying to find what will help HER child with his situation. I’d go as far as to say only an irresponsible fool wouldn’t think it through.
I don’t agree that diagnosis automatically brings acceptance, clarity or support. There are pros and cons to each path and I think it’s very wise to explore them OP.

WeMarchOn · 10/07/2021 07:08

@BlueSurfer actually no, everyone is not on the spectrum.
You can have traits but it doesn't make you autistic.

WeMarchOn · 10/07/2021 07:12

High functioning means it's "mild" for you because we are masking, it's not "mild" for us.
I absolutely hate functioning labels