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Original poster

Should I mention this to DP or leave it and not embarrass SS?

124 replies

okkake · 09/07/2021 18:07

Yesterday, we were isolating and waiting for test results. DSS (15) was here. I let him use my laptop as he'd left his at his mums and obviously couldn't go and get it. DD and DSS were arguing as DD needed to use it but DSS said he still needed it so in the end DP gave DD his iPad to stop the arguing.

DSS put the laptop in the kitchen once he'd finished with it (which was this morning I think but I didn't actually see him put it there so not 100% sure) DP is now working (the test was negative) and I've just been on my laptop and DSS didn't delete the history, there's a lot of searches for porn from yesterday and last night.

DSS is still here, but I don't want to speak to him as it'll be extremely embarrassing for both of us!

Should I speak to DP? Or leave it so DSS isn't embarrassed?

OP posts:
Macncheeseballs · 09/07/2021 23:24

*porn

pallisers · 10/07/2021 00:02

@OakleyStreetisnotinChelsea

My teen has some interesting search histories when meant to be doing homework! He has been told not to use the shared family laptop in case he leaves stuff open by mistake as smaller siblings use it too. He has a phone he can use for such things.

Teenagers wank. Teenagers want to see "rude" pictures etc. Sexual material is easily available online. When I was a teenager the boys had dirty mags hidden in their bedrooms, this is the modern equivalent. It isn't shameful and they shouldn't be in trouble for it. Yes have safe search etc on and yes discuss issues around consent, discuss the problems around Internet porn and exploitation of women and importantly around the trouble they could get into if searching for teens etc should they end up with images of children. And of course let them know that porn and real sex are worlds apart. But don't get teens in trouble for having teenage sexual urges.

as many others have said, this is the post worth reading.

Tell his father what happened and ask him to have a conversation about porn/consent/exploitation of women/real sex versus porn sex and everything Oakley suggests.

Punishing him/shaming him in front of the family - all batshit responses to what should be an opportunity to have a frank conversation about porn - which let's face it is at the end of all of our teenagers' fingertips these days.

recall · 10/07/2021 00:04

Leave him be

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 10/07/2021 00:31

I’d suggest a lot of pps actually look into what type of porn their kids are watching.

Same thing as Dad’s old magazines? I doubt it. Basic clits and tits shots in a photograph have been replaced by easy internet access to anal/rape/incest/degrading porn, and that is sadly seen as ‘normal’ 🤦🏻‍♀️

PerveenMistry · 10/07/2021 00:39

Only 15 and already thinking women are meat for his entertainment and titillation??

I'd be making a huge deal of this.

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 10/07/2021 00:39

Sorry, that was a bit crude. But the idea your children can and do only access ‘acceptable’ (that’s another discussion) porn is naive at best.

user1473878824 · 10/07/2021 02:02

@PerveenMistry

Only 15 and already thinking women are meat for his entertainment and titillation??

I'd be making a huge deal of this.

Oh come on. While there needs to be a conversation generally with teenagers about what’s real and what’s not, do you really think a 15 year old boy having a wank over something readily available somehow marks him out as a bad person? You do realise a LOT and I’d say most woman watch porn too? “Meat”? Jesus. I’m 32 and I imagine most men my age watched porn as teenagers the same way I did. Amazingly they’re not all misogynists. Ridiculous.
user1473878824 · 10/07/2021 02:04

Teenagers are always going to watch porn because it’s available. A conversation about how that’s not how sex is generally is a good thing. Weirdly shaming them for having a wank is odd. Would you have the same reaction if it was someone’s daughter?

saltinesandcoffeecups · 10/07/2021 02:17

Seriously why the angst… next time you have the chance for a quiet word and say ‘yo… not on my laptop and the love of all that is holy learn how to clear the browser history.‘

Don’t make eye contact , be direct and matter of fact, and walk away after.

After that you just put it out of your mind and pretend it never happened.

mathanxiety · 10/07/2021 03:06

It's not a natural sex urge. It wasn't a simple matter of a wank either. He wouldn't let DD use the laptop because he wanted it to watch porn on.

He used your property, when someone else needed it, to access material featuring exploited young women. Your H was without his laptop because he felt DD needed one.

I would absolutely bring this up and make it clear to DSS that you find what he did - keeping the laptop from DD, and above all the porn use, completely repugnant.

You are not shaming him for having a wank. You are telling him that he can't disrespect women and girls in your home. DSS basically shat all over you and the family.

Your DP needs to tear a rasher or two off him too.

mathanxiety · 10/07/2021 03:10

If he doesn't want to be called out on bad behaviour then don't behave badly.

YY to this.

I'm tired beyond words of women pussy-footing around the precious feelings of men and boys.

pallisers · 10/07/2021 03:12

@OnceUponAMidnightBeery

I’d suggest a lot of pps actually look into what type of porn their kids are watching.

Same thing as Dad’s old magazines? I doubt it. Basic clits and tits shots in a photograph have been replaced by easy internet access to anal/rape/incest/degrading porn, and that is sadly seen as ‘normal’ 🤦🏻‍♀️

People talking about the good old days when it was just magazine porn - did you see those magazines?? I remember seeing one of them more than 30 years ago and it was truly grim.

there wasn't a "good old days" of porn when a 15 year old looking at a porn mag was just being a lively youth as opposed to today's 15 year olds who regard women as meat. Porn ALWAYS viewed women as meat.

The entire point of this is that - just as in the "good old days" of porn (ah those good old days when you couldn't rape your wife) - a parent should be having a very very frank conversation about consent, real sex, the porn industry etc.

I have reared three young adults. We have talked about porn, I think Oakley's post is the best one I have seen on this topic.

timeisnotaline · 10/07/2021 03:36

There are two issues, just as important as the other. It is not ok and extremely disrespectful to use other people’s devices for porn, really he should apologise. People can get fired for it if it’s a work device, I know companies that have whole teams scanning computers for inappropriate usage and it’s a fireable offence. Also, his use for porn is not more important than his sisters need to do homework and you’re (your dh who will be having this conversation) disgusted he insisted he needed to use your computer over her and next time he should be expect to be told no if she needs it.

timeisnotaline · 10/07/2021 03:37

Basically a reminder not to be an entitled little shit and that other people matter too.

Nothingyet · 10/07/2021 03:53

@OnceUponAMidnightBeery

I’d suggest a lot of pps actually look into what type of porn their kids are watching.

Same thing as Dad’s old magazines? I doubt it. Basic clits and tits shots in a photograph have been replaced by easy internet access to anal/rape/incest/degrading porn, and that is sadly seen as ‘normal’ 🤦🏻‍♀️

I'm pretty sure you are wrong. anal/rape/incest/degrading porn must be something searched for specially as it doesn't come up with a "normal "search for porn. I think it is only normal for you, which is revealing more about you that I imagine you want to reveal!
Nothingyet · 10/07/2021 03:57

cold showers, boxing gloves tied on at bed time and regular reminders that sex is sinful, and has no place outside matrimony when it is to procreate only.
That will get them to grow up normal.

IndecentCakes · 10/07/2021 03:59

His father should be dealing with him.

giggly · 10/07/2021 04:09

@ScaredNotAnxious I think you meant to say” some women who chose to work in the sex industry”
You appear to have missed out all those that are forced into the sex industry through addiction and sex trafficking.
Very naive of you to think otherwise

alwayswrighty · 10/07/2021 04:38

Not 100% sure why you can't just have a conversation with the lad, explain the situation re: how women are treated, and go from there. I doubt he has a clue at 15 what the industry is like and is only interested from a 'getting his rocks off' pov. It could be a good conversation that you have.

strawberrydonuts · 10/07/2021 04:58

I think some on here are really over-reacting about a teenage boy looking at porn. Newsflash, this is something teenage boys have been doing pretty much forever.

Just needs a gentle conversation. Your partner should probably have a word with him about the porn industry, differences between what he sees in porn and real life, and not treating women as commodities, etc.

At the end of the day all this is is a natural curiosity of a 15 year old boy, and if you shame him for it and he will just withdraw and become more secretive. His dad needs to have a talk with him, that's all. No big deal.

mathanxiety · 10/07/2021 05:00

I'm pretty sure you are wrong.
anal/rape/incest/degrading porn must be something searched for specially as it doesn't come up with a "normal "search for porn.

You are incredibly wrong and the rest of your remarks to the poster you insulted are offensively smug about this.

tintin13 · 10/07/2021 05:02

The number of prudes here is amazing.
He's a teenager.. he jerks off.. he watches porn..(probably your dh too).

And for the one said that he didn't let the sister take the laptop because he wanted to watch porn that's just stupid. He probably did his school work, finished and being a horny teenager as all are, decided to distress himself.

Tell your dh if you want but seriously don't make a big deal about it (remember, the biggest perverts are actually the clerks and religious people).

daisyjgrey · 10/07/2021 05:15

Half of you are literally batshit mad. Humiliating a teenage boy? Batshit. Putting anal sex in a sentence which gives it the same equivalency as rape? Batshit.

I am utterly baffled about which porn sites you all have been using, as in all my years of porn usage, (not an excessive amount, but enough to know enough), I have NEVER, EVER, accidentally stumbled upon someone having sex with a horse or the like. You are going to have to do some pretty specific searches and have access to some specific sites to be able to view something like that, not be a 15 year old boy trying to get his rocks off to two women having sex.

For the love of god try and have a rational conversation and stop turning into that woman from the Simpsons who just shrieks "WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN" all the time. Christ.

mathanxiety · 10/07/2021 05:34

The oh so cool brigade out in droves tonight Hmm

daisyjgrey · 10/07/2021 05:37

@mathanxiety Or you know...sane logical people...