Should I mention this to DP or leave it and not embarrass SS?

[okkake]

Yesterday, we were isolating and waiting for test results. DSS (15) was here. I let him use my laptop as he'd left his at his mums and obviously couldn't go and get it. DD and DSS were arguing as DD needed to use it but DSS said he still needed it so in the end DP gave DD his iPad to stop the arguing.

DSS put the laptop in the kitchen once he'd finished with it (which was this morning I think but I didn't actually see him put it there so not 100% sure) DP is now working (the test was negative) and I've just been on my laptop and DSS didn't delete the history, there's a lot of searches for porn from yesterday and last night.

DSS is still here, but I don't want to speak to him as it'll be extremely embarrassing for both of us!

Should I speak to DP? Or leave it so DSS isn't embarrassed?

@ScaredNotAnxious

Wow - the women on this thread are absolutely batshit!

The vast, vast, vast majority of teens watch porn - if you think your teens don't then you're deluded. Teens rarely use computers nowadays and stick to laptops/tablets - many wouldn't know how to delete their history and many would assume OP wouldn't immediately check the history. I'm a teacher and had a Y10 ask me in a computer lesson recently how to start a new paragraph in word - the idea that all teens know lots about computers is stupid. Watching porn and masturbating are not unhealthy behaviours and it doesn't make him a sexual deviant or a future abuser. Watching porn does not mean you think women are inferior or consumable either - the majority of women watch porn. No one on here is suggesting that men are "consumable" because of porn. Women who choose to work in the porn industry do so because they enjoy it and get paid well to do it. Many women who work in it find it liberating and empowering to do. Yet again, we've got a case of women who've never worked in the industry and know nothing about the industry trying to stop other women from making their own choices and living their own life - and, ironically, the controlling and uninformed women consider themselves to be the ones upholding women's rights?! (It's baffling really). The suggestion that you investigate the type of porn he's into!? Is PP on crack?! Ideas that he needs to be publicly embarrassed so he never watches porn again is how you create sexual deviants and is a Victorian mentality. I'm not sure why anyone who wants an open, supportive and loving relationship with a teen seems to think that perfectly normal behaviours like watching porn should be met with an anvil - it'll just mean your kids have issues with a) sex and b) you. And no, watching porn doesn't make you impotent like PP suggested

The only actual issue here is that it was disrespectful to use your device for that - although it technically doesn't actually impact you in any tangible way. If he'd deleted the history (or you'd not snooped on what he was doing) then you'd never had known. I'd simply ask him not to do it on your device again.

Second this^

My SS is an utter arse, but he's nearly 24 now, much as so he gets on my nerves I wouldn't have said anything about this to anyone when he was 15

A 15 year old boy watching porn? Yeah, so?

Delete your history and don't give it a seconds thought again.

I wasn't snooping as it's my laptop! Again, it doesn't have parental controls as its my laptop. And DSS mum doesn't put any parental controls on his devices and doesn't want us to either. DD has them on her devices though.

I'm not going to shame him, I wasn't planning on that anyway.

I dont think the age of OP's daughter has been given by her. This DSS has left his history on a laptop also used by OP's DD. What if the DD had used the laptop next and found the history and looked? What if DD had walked past DSS and saw what he was viewing on the laptop. The DD could be scared by this conduct from DSS.
The girl has the right to parental protection and if this means causing distress to DSS by making it clear that Dad and DSM know what he was doing in their house on DSM 's laptop so be it. Males should be respectful of females and DSS has totally disregarded this by his porn viewing.

Why wouldn't you mention it to your DH? There are a few conversations that need to be had with your DSS including the reality of the porn industry; etiquette around borrowed devices and ensuring content is not left easily accessible to others. Presumably he left the device accessible and still on porn - or did you check the search history to see what he had been accessing?
It's also worth a conversation with your DH because you don't actually know when your DSS put the computer in the kitchen. It might not have been your DSS that was using it.

No tech savvy person (as all 15 years are) searches for porn and forgets to delete the browser history. Do you think this might have been done on purpose?

@Letthelightoflove There are very few reasons why a 15-year-old would forget to delete the browser history on purpose. It's far more likely he just forgot.

@2bazookas

Extreme embarrassment by DSS is what he deserves; go for it. Preferably in front of the entire family.

"DSS,   don't ever ask to borrow my laptop again.= because   I see you were using it to access  porn  . This is my work laptop, you idiot' and my daughter uses it.   How dare you abuse  our trust like that."</div></div>

If you want your kid to end up on the stately homes thread crack on

Yeah I would definitely tell your DP, no skin off your back there surely!

All those outraged by a 15 year old boy watching porn on the internet are in for a shock (presuming their kids aren't yet teenagers, or they're just in denial). For pity's sake you cannot go in all guns blazing over something so very, well, normal. Do you think your kids going to then tell you that they've got themselves in a sticky situation because they've been sending nude pics to randoms on the internet, when you've gone ballistic over porn? That's the kind of bollocks you need to worry about, not a bit of porn, which every teenage boy ever will have viewed on the internet since the existence of the internet. There's nothing in OPs comments to suggest they were watching anything violent, so there's really nothing to see here, the only issue that needs addressing is that OP's laptop shouldn't be the device used to access it. Yes your DP needs to have the necessary conversions about respect, consent, normal sex and relationships etc. But making a teenager feel ashamed for what is perfectly normal behaviour is not going to make those conversations very easy.

" Please don’t do that. My parents used the embarrassment tactic (not over porn) and it damaged me for life."

When I was a teenager in the 90s a story was going around that a mother of someone we knew had found dirty magazines in his bedroom and had gone to the school to humiliate him in front of the headmaster so the headmaster could tell him off. It might have been pure gossip of course.

@Letthelightoflove

No tech savvy person (as all 15 years are) searches for porn and forgets to delete the browser history. Do you think this might have been done on purpose?

15-year-olds are tech-savvy for the most part, but they also very often have the attention span of a hyperactive flea. This may have been typical scatterbrained teenager stuff.

But do have a talk with DH.

@RedMarauder

Speak to your DH.

With the trials/convictions for 3 murders in the media this week it is really important that your DH has a proper talk with him do he doesn't see women as a piece of meat.

I agree with speak to DH but not of an extreme escalation from teenage boy looks at porn to serial killer!

I wonder if it’s the humiliation tactics that results in grown men having an unhealthy sexual interest in things like humiliation or non consensual sex because they’re taught that the normal feelings are something to hide and be embarrassed about.

2bazookas
Extreme embarrassment by DSS is what he deserves; go for it. Preferably in front of the entire family.
"DSS, don't ever ask to borrow my laptop again.= because I see you were using it to access porn . This is my work laptop, you idiot' and my daughter uses it. How dare you abuse our trust like that."

If you want your kid to end up on the stately homes thread crack on

Diddums. If he doesn't want to be called out on bad behaviour then don't behave badly. It's parents' responsibility to be Jiminy Cricket.
I think that you ought to sit in on the conversation, OP, to make sure that DP gets the correct message across.

@ScaredNotAnxious

Wow - the women on this thread are absolutely batshit!

The vast, vast, vast majority of teens watch porn - if you think your teens don't then you're deluded. Teens rarely use computers nowadays and stick to laptops/tablets - many wouldn't know how to delete their history and many would assume OP wouldn't immediately check the history. I'm a teacher and had a Y10 ask me in a computer lesson recently how to start a new paragraph in word - the idea that all teens know lots about computers is stupid. Watching porn and masturbating are not unhealthy behaviours and it doesn't make him a sexual deviant or a future abuser. Watching porn does not mean you think women are inferior or consumable either - the majority of women watch porn. No one on here is suggesting that men are "consumable" because of porn. Women who choose to work in the porn industry do so because they enjoy it and get paid well to do it. Many women who work in it find it liberating and empowering to do. Yet again, we've got a case of women who've never worked in the industry and know nothing about the industry trying to stop other women from making their own choices and living their own life - and, ironically, the controlling and uninformed women consider themselves to be the ones upholding women's rights?! (It's baffling really). The suggestion that you investigate the type of porn he's into!? Is PP on crack?! Ideas that he needs to be publicly embarrassed so he never watches porn again is how you create sexual deviants and is a Victorian mentality. I'm not sure why anyone who wants an open, supportive and loving relationship with a teen seems to think that perfectly normal behaviours like watching porn should be met with an anvil - it'll just mean your kids have issues with a) sex and b) you. And no, watching porn doesn't make you impotent like PP suggested

The only actual issue here is that it was disrespectful to use your device for that - although it technically doesn't actually impact you in any tangible way. If he'd deleted the history (or you'd not snooped on what he was doing) then you'd never had known. I'd simply ask him not to do it on your device again.

Watching porn is definitely an unhealthy behaviour. What is healthy about watching women be abused ?

Standard behaviour for a 15 year old. He probably won't need to borrow again. Either do nothing or get dad to jokingly say I looked at DSM laptop and there was some interesting history popping up from when you had It, I doubt she wants to see that. Then end on a more serious note of, you do realise etc.

Eww I hope you cleaned it 😬

Yes tell your DP. He needs to talk to your DSS about this. It’s fine looking at porn, yes it’s perfectly natural but he still needs to know the difference between porn and how to treat women and real relationships. He also needs to understand it’s not acceptable using your laptop especially if it’s used for work or any other shared family device. He also needs to understand that there is a time and place for it.

@toocold54

I wonder if it’s the humiliation tactics that results in grown men having an unhealthy sexual interest in things like humiliation or non consensual sex because they’re taught that the normal feelings are something to hide and be embarrassed about.

Wouldn’t surprise me! It’s fucking frightening that grown adults think the way to address a teenagers misendeavors is to publicly humiliate them about something sexual. Borderline psychological abuse if you ask me.

Whether you think watching porn is acceptable or not, watching it on your step-mum's laptop is just disrespectful. I'd be really angry.
Ask DH to speak to him.

@senua

2bazookas Extreme embarrassment by DSS is what he deserves; go for it. Preferably in front of the entire family. "DSS, don't ever ask to borrow my laptop again.= because I see you were using it to access porn . This is my work laptop, you idiot' and my daughter uses it. How dare you abuse our trust like that."

If you want your kid to end up on the stately homes thread crack on

Diddums. If he doesn't want to be called out on bad behaviour then don't behave badly. It's parents' responsibility to be Jiminy Cricket.
I think that you ought to sit in on the conversation, OP, to make sure that DP gets the correct message across.

Terrifying! You are seriously advocating sexually humiliating a teenage boy I front of the whole family, including (I assume) a teenage girl?!

@OakleyStreetisnotinChelsea

My teen has some interesting search histories when meant to be doing homework! He has been told not to use the shared family laptop in case he leaves stuff open by mistake as smaller siblings use it too. He has a phone he can use for such things.

Teenagers wank. Teenagers want to see "rude" pictures etc. Sexual material is easily available online. When I was a teenager the boys had dirty mags hidden in their bedrooms, this is the modern equivalent. It isn't shameful and they shouldn't be in trouble for it. Yes have safe search etc on and yes discuss issues around consent, discuss the problems around Internet porn and exploitation of women and importantly around the trouble they could get into if searching for teens etc should they end up with images of children. And of course let them know that porn and real sex are worlds apart. But don't get teens in trouble for having teenage sexual urges.

This is so true-shaming a teenager for having natural sexual urges would be a shitty thing to do. Have a conversation with him by all means-but be matter of fact about it and tell him you don’t want him doing it on your laptop. And like the poster above, tell him about the downside of easily accessible internet porn-possibly it will make him think about whether he wants to look at it. But I would imagine most teens will see some kind of porn, so have the conversation.

Genuine question, do the posters here think their teenage sons don’t access porn?

I don’t agree with it but I think it’s more a part of their lives than anyone would like.

I think perhaps the majority haven't got to the teenage stage.

I'd be relieved it was just lesbian pprn