Should I mention this to DP or leave it and not embarrass SS?

[okkake]

Yesterday, we were isolating and waiting for test results. DSS (15) was here. I let him use my laptop as he'd left his at his mums and obviously couldn't go and get it. DD and DSS were arguing as DD needed to use it but DSS said he still needed it so in the end DP gave DD his iPad to stop the arguing.

DSS put the laptop in the kitchen once he'd finished with it (which was this morning I think but I didn't actually see him put it there so not 100% sure) DP is now working (the test was negative) and I've just been on my laptop and DSS didn't delete the history, there's a lot of searches for porn from yesterday and last night.

DSS is still here, but I don't want to speak to him as it'll be extremely embarrassing for both of us!

Should I speak to DP? Or leave it so DSS isn't embarrassed?

@Schrutesbeets

You'd put your own comfort / embarrassment over the vital conversation that needs to be had?! Come on, OP!!!

I'm not his parent, I'm his stepmum. I don't think I should have this conversation with him.

I will speak to DP.

I agree with having a chat with your partner.
But I think you both need to have a chat with him (together) because it was YOUR laptop.

This is someone else's work laptop, he needs to learn to show some basic respect. I would say something, especially as he had the nerve to stop his sibling from using it, claiming to do homework. While teenagers wank and explore their sexuality, they still need to learn about women not being sexbots and as early as possible!

@OakleyStreetisnotinChelsea

My teen has some interesting search histories when meant to be doing homework! He has been told not to use the shared family laptop in case he leaves stuff open by mistake as smaller siblings use it too. He has a phone he can use for such things.

Teenagers wank. Teenagers want to see "rude" pictures etc. Sexual material is easily available online. When I was a teenager the boys had dirty mags hidden in their bedrooms, this is the modern equivalent. It isn't shameful and they shouldn't be in trouble for it. Yes have safe search etc on and yes discuss issues around consent, discuss the problems around Internet porn and exploitation of women and importantly around the trouble they could get into if searching for teens etc should they end up with images of children. And of course let them know that porn and real sex are worlds apart. But don't get teens in trouble for having teenage sexual urges.

Finally some sense.

My teen has some interesting search histories when meant to be doing homework! He has been told not to use the shared family laptop in case he leaves stuff open by mistake as smaller siblings use it too. He has a phone he can use for such things.

Teenagers wank. Teenagers want to see "rude" pictures etc. Sexual material is easily available online. When I was a teenager the boys had dirty mags hidden in their bedrooms, this is the modern equivalent. It isn't shameful and they shouldn't be in trouble for it. Yes have safe search etc on and yes discuss issues around consent, discuss the problems around Internet porn and exploitation of women and importantly around the trouble they could get into if searching for teens etc should they end up with images of children. And of course let them know that porn and real sex are worlds apart. But don't get teens in trouble for having teenage sexual urges.

team Oak here . I agree Morgan some common sense !

There are some very extreme reactions here, FFS please don't shame him in front of other people, you will damage his self esteem and your relationship with him.

As abhorrent as I find porn, it is considered completely normal to watch it and as a result teenagers will be drawn to it without fully understanding the implications and the ethics. I went to an all girls school yet most, if not all of us looked up porn out of curiosity. Now I wouldn't.

Just send your DH to have a discreet word with him about it and to tell him it's really not OK to watch it on your work laptop.

@OakleyStreetisnotinChelsea

My teen has some interesting search histories when meant to be doing homework! He has been told not to use the shared family laptop in case he leaves stuff open by mistake as smaller siblings use it too. He has a phone he can use for such things.

Teenagers wank. Teenagers want to see "rude" pictures etc. Sexual material is easily available online. When I was a teenager the boys had dirty mags hidden in their bedrooms, this is the modern equivalent. It isn't shameful and they shouldn't be in trouble for it. Yes have safe search etc on and yes discuss issues around consent, discuss the problems around Internet porn and exploitation of women and importantly around the trouble they could get into if searching for teens etc should they end up with images of children. And of course let them know that porn and real sex are worlds apart. But don't get teens in trouble for having teenage sexual urges.

While I sort of agree with this, hiding wank fodder in terms of magazines in your room (as it was in my day!) is worlds away from watching porn on the internet. Buying ‘Jugs Galore’ or whatever top shelf mags were available then didn’t mean you were two clicks away from incest porn/bestiality/rape porn/hardcore BDSM like the internet is now.

That’s how teens grow up thinking violence during sex is ok, or choking and anal is the norm and ‘basic,’ or gagging on cocks during blow jobs etc. That’s the danger, not just that they want to view sex.

Definitely talk to your DP, but I’m not sure a man will ever be clued up enough to discuss this properly, as they just don’t see it the same way as women.

I’m aware the above won’t be a popular opinion.

Wow - the women on this thread are absolutely batshit!

The vast, vast, vast majority of teens watch porn - if you think your teens don't then you're deluded. Teens rarely use computers nowadays and stick to laptops/tablets - many wouldn't know how to delete their history and many would assume OP wouldn't immediately check the history. I'm a teacher and had a Y10 ask me in a computer lesson recently how to start a new paragraph in word - the idea that all teens know lots about computers is stupid. Watching porn and masturbating are not unhealthy behaviours and it doesn't make him a sexual deviant or a future abuser. Watching porn does not mean you think women are inferior or consumable either - the majority of women watch porn. No one on here is suggesting that men are "consumable" because of porn. Women who choose to work in the porn industry do so because they enjoy it and get paid well to do it. Many women who work in it find it liberating and empowering to do. Yet again, we've got a case of women who've never worked in the industry and know nothing about the industry trying to stop other women from making their own choices and living their own life - and, ironically, the controlling and uninformed women consider themselves to be the ones upholding women's rights?! (It's baffling really). The suggestion that you investigate the type of porn he's into!? Is PP on crack?! Ideas that he needs to be publicly embarrassed so he never watches porn again is how you create sexual deviants and is a Victorian mentality. I'm not sure why anyone who wants an open, supportive and loving relationship with a teen seems to think that perfectly normal behaviours like watching porn should be met with an anvil - it'll just mean your kids have issues with a) sex and b) you. And no, watching porn doesn't make you impotent like PP suggested

The only actual issue here is that it was disrespectful to use your device for that - although it technically doesn't actually impact you in any tangible way. If he'd deleted the history (or you'd not snooped on what he was doing) then you'd never had known. I'd simply ask him not to do it on your device again.

Don’t embarrass the poor kid! Adults seem to forget how excruciating and awful being a teen is. This will stay will your SS forever. He will be embarrassed FOREVER. It’ll definitely ruin his year if he knows you know. Mention it to your partner and let him decide what to do. Every teenage boy watches porn. Every. Single. One.

….you know there’s other porn on the entire internet other than rape and violence, right?

Teenagers wank. Teenagers will look at porn. Get DH to have a word with him about not using your laptop because it’s disrespectful.

Please don’t humiliate him ffs.

I'd delete and leave it.

Like it never happened.

Why does it need to be addressed?
It doesnt.

I'm confused by PPs who are outraged because it was OP's "work laptop" but I can't find OP saying that anywhere - am I blind or are we outraged by something we've imagined?

Agree with @ScaredNotAnxious and @OakleyStreetisnotinChelsea

I don't think it's a conversation that needs to be had. Switch on the adult content filter to avoid it happening again if it's not something you're happy with him viewing.

Perhaps don't say anything buy next time he asks to use the laptop tell him no and tell him why

I would ask DP to tell him to delete his search history after using your laptop and then forget about it. Don't make a big deal out of it. He's 15 years old and that's what they do.

The outrage is totally unnecessary.

Something’s wrong here. So yes, I’d mention it and get it out in the open so that you can discuss the difference between porn and real world relationships. Young people are exposed to so much these days, and I think it’s important to try to instill values.

Team @OakleyStreetisnotinChelsea here too!

Whether it's your work laptop or your personal one, OP, the DSS would get a blanket no from me if he ever asked to use it again.

I'm glad you decided to let DP have the conversation with his DS, too. That is the most appropriate way. You could get him to tell DSS why you won't be lending him your device again if that's what you decide, so he never even asks. And he shouldn't use DD's devices, either, not until he's totally reliable about cleaning up after himself! Who wants to follow that?! It's worse than not flushing the loo after a no2.

@3scape

Why isn't it blocked on your hub?

Some adults quite enjoy watching porn.

Don’t listen to the posters telling you to humiliate him, that’s awful advice.

What 15 year old hasn’t been curious and tried to access porn?

Time for his Dad to speak to him about accessing inappropriate content and make sure you have parental controls in place, so he can’t access it.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

I don't think public humiliation is proportionate to the 'crime'. He probably hasnt thought through the implications of watching stuff on a work / family laptop, which is naive and thoughtless rather than malicious

100%. Shame doesn't work and will most likely cause him to act out and or project the emotion on to something else.

@2bazookas

Extreme embarrassment by DSS is what he deserves; go for it. Preferably in front of the entire family.

"DSS,   don't ever ask to borrow my laptop again.= because   I see you were using it to access  porn  . This is my work laptop, you idiot' and my daughter uses it.   How dare you abuse  our trust like that."</div></div>

Agree.

Pretty certain your DP would expect it and it wouldn’t be a big deal at all…. God I remember when my DSS was about 13/14 and he fessed up that he’d sent a “d* pic” to an unknown person on Snapchat…… we had a looonnnngg chat about it….. and the dangers of social media etc. ( he was in a flat panic about it!)

It’s not a big deal at all…. And just is what it is….

I would be inclined to ask your dp to pretend he came across it on your laptop, not you.