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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think MIL is racist

118 replies

WhoopsieFairy · 09/07/2021 15:50

For background. My SIL is of one race (doesn't matter which, just not white), I am mixed race with one parent of same race as SIL.

SIL has a child who is energetic and runs around a lot, doesn't sit still.

MIL commented to me that the child has Adhd (never diagnosed, MIL is not qualified to make diagnoses), the reason being that the genes of SIL (not her daughter, but her son's wife) mixed with British genes have soiled the gene pool, hence crazy energetic kid.

Cue me being seriously offended as (a) it's racist and (b) I'm of same race (albeit mixed) and have recently given birth to a child.

MIL feels attacked as I kicked up a fuss with her and DH. DH thinks I'm overreacting and his mum is not racist.

AIBU - yea you're overreacting, MIL is of a different generation and doesn't understand these things (dh's words)

AINBU - what the fuck is wrong with MIL?

Aaahhh.

OP posts:

NeonDreams · 11/07/2021 00:12

@Sometimeswinning And the typical 'angry black person' jibe by you wasn't missed either.

AlexaShutUp · 11/07/2021 00:15

I'm so sorry that you have had to deal with this, OP. I am white and my DH is not. Our dd is obviously mixed race. My much older parents would not ever even dream of saying shit like that, so your MIL's age is definitely not an excuse. They are not racist and they don't think in those terms. And if they did, there is no way that I would be trying to defend or minimise their behaviour. Your DH should be fighting your corner on this, without question. And he needs to stop and consider why someone who "isn't racist" would make comments that he already acknowledges to be racist. It makes no sense.

pigsDOfly · 11/07/2021 00:18

This whole 'she's of a different generation and doesn't understand these things' idea really pisses me off.

I'm 72 and therefore 'of a different generation' and I understand these things just fine. Some of us older people do still have the ability to think.

MIL is racist and your DH is ageist.

Quaggars · 11/07/2021 00:53

This whole 'she's of a different generation and doesn't understand these things' idea really pisses me off.

I'm 72 and therefore 'of a different generation' and I understand these things just fine. Some of us older people do still have the ability to think.

Same, not in my 70s but in my 40s and frequently find myself thought of as must be young, a uni person fresh out of school who doesn't know better, just because people think I'm so called "woke" (ie non racist or transphobic)
My age has nowt to do with it.

DeeCeeCherry · 11/07/2021 01:18

Wow you married a prize - with a gem of a mother too....

Did you not notice racist commentary/attitude before marriage? I've never met a racist who's able to keep the lid on it for that long, sooner rather than later they just can't help their foulness. Im just wondering if you just let the comments go

Your H and MIL won't change so I guess it's a case of whether you can let it fly and remain in your marriage, and around people like that. Or not.

Your H is equally as racist as his mother. I bet if you were a fly-on-the-wall at their conversations, much of the time you wouldn't like what you heard at all in respect of their opinions on non-White.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 11/07/2021 01:21

I am very reluctant to say things are racist and I do think a lot of people on here are overly sensitive about race but in this case you are completely right. There is no other way to interpret her comments other than outright racism.

powershowerforanhour · 11/07/2021 01:29

Age has nothing to do with it. Anti- miscegenation laws (horrible term) in th US were deemed unconstitutional over 50 years ago. Due to being massively racist. All those notions of racial purity and soiling/ miscegenation are massively racist as well as being total bullshit from a scientific point of view. As for "she says racist things but she's not a racist" - well, if it quacks like a duck...

jskei · 11/07/2021 05:19

@WhoopsieFairy

Mil isn't old at all, early 60s. Sad.

Your MIL was a kid during the Beatles and teen during Motown she well knows better on race. She chooses this mentality and Its people like her who 'secretly' hold this country back.

As for DH if he doesn't start backing you and his own kid up you may have to think about your long term plans. Being so fundamentally unsupported is a poor kind of love.

ChargingBuck · 11/07/2021 11:39

[quote NeonDreams]@Sometimeswinning And the typical 'angry black person' jibe by you wasn't missed either.[/quote]
That jibe wasn't missed by me either, & I'm a honky.
I'm sorry you had to see that Neon - it was completely out of order.

QuestionEverythingOrBeASheep · 11/07/2021 19:41

AINBU, WTF!

Sometimeswinning · 11/07/2021 19:56

@neondreams. I apologise. I skimmed your post and totally missed it was your experience. I am so sorry.

@chargingbuck I cant believe you called yourself a honky. What an absolute embarrassment you are. I've never met anyone who referred to a white person as a honky.

ChargingBuck · 11/07/2021 20:08

@chargingbuck I cant believe you called yourself a honky. What an absolute embarrassment you are. I've never met anyone who referred to a white person as a honky.

What on earth has you never hearing the expression got to do with my use of it, @Sometimeswinning? Does that not say rather more about your understanding of its usage than mine?

Sometimeswinning · 11/07/2021 20:18

@chargingbuck

What? That I dont hear people call others a honky and I've never heard someone actually refer to themselves as one? That's literally what it says. I just think your an idiot.

ChargingBuck · 11/07/2021 20:37

[quote Sometimeswinning]@chargingbuck

What? That I dont hear people call others a honky and I've never heard someone actually refer to themselves as one? That's literally what it says. I just think your an idiot.[/quote]
Oh stop projecting - you're just embarrassed to have been called out for applying the nasty "angry black woman" trope to another poster, so are desperately deflecting.

I just think your an idiot.
That's "you're an idiot".

HTH

Sometimeswinning · 11/07/2021 20:57

^I just think your an idiot.
That's "you're an idiot".^

Ah ffs you're right!
It's literally like you were looking for anything to embarrass me😂 Trust me, grammar ain't it!

I'm just suggesting, referring to yourself as a honky is a bit twattish. Peace out and all that. ✌

Starseeking · 11/07/2021 21:50

I wouldn't be able to stay married to a man who supported his DM on these views, given his own DC partly share this race, as do you.

Throckmorton · 11/07/2021 22:25

Ditzy my arse. Being ditzy doesn't make you say hateful racist things. Saying racist things means she's a racist.

NeonDreams · 12/07/2021 14:46

@Sometimeswinning Thank you. I am sorry too. I did go overboard with my language towards the OP's husband. It's just that I've seen so many friends and people who are white who accuse us of over-reacting. Yet many of us who are non-white or mixed race have hyper awareness due to being racially abused. We have heard obvious slurs and also very snide slurs, the type that can be considering ambiguous and fly-under-the-radar type comments that you know are definitely aimed at you and pointedly so. When people tell you that you are over-reacting, it's very hurtful because you know very well that you aren't. I cannot speak for the OP, but I sense they have been through the same. And when a white person who has no idea what it is like to be non-white that they are over-reacting, it cuts like a knife. The OP knows very well that she wasn't over reacting. And that's what the BLM movement was about. So many white people telling black people that they are 'over reacting' and that the multitude of arrests (that would see a white person merely warned or cautioned) and deaths are just.....black people over-reacting. The massive uprising in America was due to black people being sick and tired of told they are 'over reacting'. So when I see a non-white or mixed race person with a white person who attempts to invalidate their experience, it makes me so angry, hurt and upset. For the OP, and for others like her and myself. I am grateful for every white ally that we have. Unfortunately the OP's supposed closest ally is attempting to gaslight her and devalidate her experience and that makes me sad and angry for her. All we ask is that people listen to us and try to understand and take us seriously. Unfortunately the OP doesn't have that in her life partner, he'd sooner placate his racist mother than support his wife and that makes me take up for her.

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