Page 3 | AIBU to think MIL is racist

WhoopsieFairy · 2021-07-09T14:50:47+00:00

For background. My SIL is of one race (doesn't matter which, just not white), I am mixed race with one parent of same race as SIL. SIL has a child who is energetic and runs around a lot, doesn't sit still. MIL commented to me that the child has Adhd (never diagnosed, MIL is not qualified to make diagnoses), the reason being that the genes of SIL (not her daughter, but her son's wife) mixed with British genes have soiled the gene pool, hence crazy energetic kid. Cue me being seriously offended as (a) it's racist and (b) I'm of same race (albeit mixed) and have recently given birth to a child. MIL feels attacked as I kicked up a fuss with her and DH. DH thinks I'm overreacting and his mum is not racist. AIBU - yea you're overreacting, MIL is of a different generation and doesn't understand these things (dh's words) AINBU - what the fuck is wrong with MIL? Aaahhh.

iklboo · 09/07/2021 19:13

WTAF?!

MagentaRocks · 09/07/2021 19:15

Totally racist. Soiling the gene pool FFS. Who says that. It is racist and offensive and totally meant to be derogatory. My gran, no longer with us was racist in the words she used but she didn’t mean to be derogatory. She just used words that were acceptable growing up. It doesn’t mean she wasn’t saying racist things, just that she didn’t see them as racist as she wasn’t saying anything derogatory - she just saw the words as normal words. Your MIL however would absolutely know that saying spoiling the gene pool is derogatory and malicious.

Hankunamatata · 09/07/2021 19:18

Did she actually say "soiled British gene pool"

mbosnz · 09/07/2021 19:19

Your husband may, and may not know, his mother better.

He is not objective about her. He has been brought up by her, with her opinions, her expressions of those opinions, as his norm. So he may very well know what she's likely to think and say, but he is not able to say, with any hope of objectivity, that she is not racist. Particularly in the face of her making very racist statements to a family member who is not white.

I mean, she's the walking, talking definition of 'I'm not racist but. . .' except she didn't even bother with the initial qualifier!

Original poster

WhoopsieFairy · 09/07/2021 19:35

@mbosnz

Your husband may, and may not know, his mother better.

He is not objective about her. He has been brought up by her, with her opinions, her expressions of those opinions, as his norm. So he may very well know what she's likely to think and say, but he is not able to say, with any hope of objectivity, that she is not racist. Particularly in the face of her making very racist statements to a family member who is not white.

I mean, she's the walking, talking definition of 'I'm not racist but. . .' except she didn't even bother with the initial qualifier!

This is what I'm thinking. She is the sort of person who says she isn't racist because she has foreign friends.... 🙄

DH most certainly is not objective about her, it's very evident. I understand from his point of view. Sort of. Doesn't mean it's right. It's a constant and ongoing conversation. Certain things I consider racist he doesn't. I can only presume its because he's never been on the receiving end of racism and is therefore not very sensitive to it. I've said this over and over again. I don't want my child to grow up hearing things which make him feel bad about himself, then going to his dad who would then possibly tell him oh it's nothing. When actually it is something to a mixed race child. I know that from my own experience growing up. DH does appreciate it. He is actually a highly rational person but completely shuts down when it's his mum. Maybe understandably so, who knows.

As for marriage breakdown because of this... I'd rather be present when dc is exposed to crap like this and then immediately explain the situation and call people out. And obviously this isn't the only thing going on in our lives. Thank f*ck.

Thanks for all your support

OP posts:

Tubbs99 · 09/07/2021 19:37

Definitely racist. I would seriously consider going NC with her, for the sake of your child. Your DH also won’t be much support to his child if he condones his mother’s racism. He needs to be standing up for you and his child. Has he seen this thread yet? Sorry OP but I think your DH is a coward.

StrawberrySundayz · 09/07/2021 19:38

Your MIL and DH are both painfully racist.

Original poster

WhoopsieFairy · 09/07/2021 19:40

@Tubbs99

Definitely racist. I would seriously consider going NC with her, for the sake of your child. Your DH also won’t be much support to his child if he condones his mother’s racism. He needs to be standing up for you and his child. Has he seen this thread yet? Sorry OP but I think your DH is a coward.

At the time DH did spend an hour explaining to his mum why what she says it's very offensive and racist. She I think disagreed and felt attacked by me and was angry. DH gets angry whenever I bring it back up as if I should just move on because he addressed it with her. Not really how it works as far as I am concerned.

OP posts:

Bhooks · 09/07/2021 19:41

Definitely racist.
And if I've understood correctly, SIL's child is the same mix as you. So MIL's vile comments would, theoretically, be equally applicable to you and she still said them to you?!

She is an out and out racist. If my MIL said things like that and my DH defended her, he'd become a STBXH!

Penistoe · 09/07/2021 19:41

I’m really struggling to understand how your dh can not think this is racist. It wasn’t an off the cuff remark or comment it was full on in your face ‘infecting the gene pool’. Wtaf

I couldn’t be with someone who justified this and didn’t stand up for his wife and soon child.

Original poster

WhoopsieFairy · 09/07/2021 19:44

@Bhooks

Definitely racist. And if I've understood correctly, SIL's child is the same mix as you. So MIL's vile comments would, theoretically, be equally applicable to you and she still said them to you?!

She is an out and out racist. If my MIL said things like that and my DH defended her, he'd become a STBXH!

Yes my mix includes the offending race

... Wasn't directed necessarily at that particular race, just non British race being mixed into the British gene pool. If it weren't so horribly racist, I'd actually laugh its such an unbelievable thing to say!

OP posts:

Original poster

WhoopsieFairy · 09/07/2021 19:46

@Penistoe

I’m really struggling to understand how your dh can not think this is racist. It wasn’t an off the cuff remark or comment it was full on in your face ‘infecting the gene pool’. Wtaf

I couldn’t be with someone who justified this and didn’t stand up for his wife and soon child.

DH appreciates it's a racist remake but insists that it doesn't make his mum racist 🤦🏻. Not sure how he worked that out...

OP posts:

Tubbs99 · 09/07/2021 19:50

What he’s doing is minimising her racism and making out that you are the one with the problem. This doesn’t bode well I’m afraid. I’m a black mother of mixed race kids and their white father would never stand for any of that, neither would I. We both have pretty confident, self assured, personalities, so perhaps that helps. Maybe he could read on micro aggressions or attend racism awareness courses to help him understand? Particularly if he hasn’t experienced it himself. I really fear for your child growing up with a father who would minimise racism.

meow1989 · 09/07/2021 19:50

It was and is a racist comment. Completely unacceptable. It would be unacceptable about anyone but about her own grandchild too is awful. It would make me think twice about leaving your dc with her in case they are exposed to hearing some of it to be honest (I'd be tempted to discuss with sil for the same reason).

Your dh needs to check himself. His own wife is part of the race that mil has insinuated has "soiled" her precious British genes. What would he think if she said that about your child or you? Disgraceful.

Nutrafin · 09/07/2021 19:53

At the time DH did spend an hour explaining to his mum why what she says it's very offensive and racist. She I think disagreed and felt attacked by me and was angry. DH gets angry whenever I bring it back up as if I should just move on because he addressed it with her. Not really how it works as far as I am concerned
I tried to be generous to DH in my first post but he's gaslighting, abusive and spineless.

Coyoacan · 09/07/2021 19:57

MIL is of a different generation and doesn't understand

And your dh is being incredibly ageist. It turns out I am older than your MIL and neither I nor any of my friends have ever thought that rubbish.

Original poster

WhoopsieFairy · 09/07/2021 20:00

@Tubbs99

What he’s doing is minimising her racism and making out that you are the one with the problem. This doesn’t bode well I’m afraid. I’m a black mother of mixed race kids and their white father would never stand for any of that, neither would I. We both have pretty confident, self assured, personalities, so perhaps that helps. Maybe he could read on micro aggressions or attend racism awareness courses to help him understand? Particularly if he hasn’t experienced it himself. I really fear for your child growing up with a father who would minimise racism.

Thank you I like the suggestion of reading up on micro aggressions. Have just googled it, it's something I've experienced all my life (didn't know it had a name!) and have told DH about instances where inexperienced micro aggressions. And his response was usually that it probably wasn't meant that way. The article can explain it so much better than I could. Will send it to him. Thanks!

OP posts:

nanbread · 09/07/2021 20:02

Please ask your DH what his definition of a racist is because I would love to hear it!

Your DH is minimising out-and-out racism, I'd be livid at him as much as I would his mum tbh.

Oh and it also sounds pretty ableist to boot, that ADHD is the result of "soiling" of genes.

And yet it's your MIL that feels attacked!!

Unbelievable. I could not be around her.

Original poster

WhoopsieFairy · 09/07/2021 20:02

@Coyoacan

MIL is of a different generation and doesn't understand

And your dh is being incredibly ageist. It turns out I am older than your MIL and neither I nor any of my friends have ever thought that rubbish.

You're of course correct. I think it's his way of maintaining the picture of his mum that he feels comfortable with.

OP posts:

Tubbs99 · 09/07/2021 20:06

@WhoopsieFairy That’s quite alright. I just hope he is willing to learn for yours and your child’s sake. By saying “it wasn’t meant that way” is again minimising your experiences.

Original poster

WhoopsieFairy · 09/07/2021 20:07

@nanbread

Please ask your DH what his definition of a racist is because I would love to hear it!

Your DH is minimising out-and-out racism, I'd be livid at him as much as I would his mum tbh.

Oh and it also sounds pretty ableist to boot, that ADHD is the result of "soiling" of genes.

And yet it's your MIL that feels attacked!!

Unbelievable. I could not be around her.

No I hate being around her. Now that Tubbs99 mentioned the term micro aggression I can see that this is exactly what mil does quite frequently. I guess whether or not she does it intentionally I don't know for certain.

OP posts:

PurplePansy05 · 09/07/2021 20:09

Gosh, OP, I'd be mortified So sorry she's such a horrible person!

Marshmallow91 · 09/07/2021 20:12

Your MIL is a great example of the "I'm not racist, but..." brigade.

And your husband really needs to get his act together because if he's not actively disagreeing with his mum, then surely he thinks the same things about his own child??

Tubbs99 · 09/07/2021 20:14

Just remember that you don’t need to interact with his racist mother. You don’t need to be around people like that. If your DH isn’t willing to stand up to her, then that is his problem, not yours.

Quaggars · 09/07/2021 20:22

Soiling the gene pool?!
Fark me, YANBU that's like