Page 4 | AIBU to think MIL is racist

Original poster

WhoopsieFairy · 09/07/2021 20:24

@Tubbs99

Just remember that you don’t need to interact with his racist mother. You don’t need to be around people like that. If your DH isn’t willing to stand up to her, then that is his problem, not yours.

No I won't anymore. She is an embarrassment. Also I feel like I should take more of a stance by literally never seeing her again but that's not going to happen.

Dhs opinion is that whenever she does come up with shit, particularly in front of DH, we should call it out and explain that it is not correct and bad behaviour. He does agree to calling racist comments out. He clearly agrees that what she said was racist. But he still maintains she isn't racist as such. I feel like he needs to think that way because he doesn't want to go nc with his mum. I do understand it from his perspective as he loves his mum because, well she is his mum and otherwise supportive etc. I just can't get over that remark and also don't think I have to get over it.

OP posts:

Ratalie · 09/07/2021 20:28

I don't think your DH is fit to be your spouse or your child's father.

This isn't a case of MIL accidentally using outdated language, she expressed deeply racist personal beliefs.

She sees you and your child as inferior, and you're expected to play nice?

LeroyJenkinssss · 09/07/2021 20:29

Oof that’s racist. I think at least your DH at the time took the lead in telling her how racist it was - his wanting to not go over it may largely be down to utter embarrassment. I’d personally see how she is - and more importantly he is - if something like this ever comes up again.

PinkArt · 09/07/2021 20:33

Even if he can't see she's massively racist, he's conceded that her comments were racist. Surely he isn't happy with his wife and child being around racist comments directed at them, whoever they come from?
Obviously you shouldn't need to, and he should see what's glaringly obvious and not try to minimise it, but maybe pitch it more to him as removing your self and your child from the racist comments rather than from the person making them?

Rosebel · 09/07/2021 20:36

Well she is of a different generation but so what? Soiling the gene pool is horrific thing to say and yes, it's racist.
I wouldn't want to be around her and I certainly wouldn't let my child be around her.

Original poster

WhoopsieFairy · 09/07/2021 20:47

Thank you all for your comments. There wasn't a single one excusing her behaviour. I will remove myself from her and should she ever say vile things like that again explain to her that my child won't be exposed to that anymore.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 09/07/2021 21:08

Dhs opinion is that whenever she does come up with shit, particularly in front of DH, we should call it out and explain that it is not correct and bad behaviour. He does agree to calling racist comments out.

But your DC will still have heard the comments. What is heard cannot be unheard. 'Explaining them away' doesn't really get rid of the confusion or niggling 'doubt' that will remain after hearing an important person in their lives say such shit. Let's face it, all children will hear racist shite being spouted in the media, on the playground, and on public streets. But that doesn't have the same impact as hearing it from their own grandmother!

I wouldn't be around her and I wouldn't have my DC around her either.

Lollypop701 · 09/07/2021 21:41

So when your child asks daddy why they are soiled how is going to explain this? How is he going to take that pain away.. because a person who is supposed to love them thinks they aren’t perfect because of their mix of dna includes soiled genes… from their mother. Of course you can’t let this go, or you would not be standing up for you or your child!!!! and he can’t sweep under the carpet that his mother is racist because he doesn’t know what to do to make her not racist. Have you pointed out this is how his mum views his wife and child??? This is grim

Original poster

WhoopsieFairy · 10/07/2021 01:03

Mil certainly won't repeat this comment again, to me, to my child or anyone else after our argument. However, I certainly agree that hearing anything racist about you coming from a loved one is more damaging than had it come from a randomer on the street. That is my argument to DH as to why I don't want anything to do with her...

OP posts:

Dogvmarmot · 10/07/2021 03:11

oh dear. of course you are concerned about the overt racism but maybe you and sil should also worry about the gene pool - she sounds deeply stupid. hope her low iq and lack of empathy doesn't impact on your dc genes. oh and unless she is 150 years old the age excuse is nonsense.

user8984277 · 10/07/2021 03:16

Is MIL White?

EmeraldShamrock · 10/07/2021 03:34

Disgusting attitude.

ChargingBuck · 10/07/2021 12:06

@WhoopsieFairy

Thanks again for all your messages.

I've told DH that I don't care what he thinks, I know she is racist and I will call her out for it. If it were just up to me I'd go Nc but DH categorically doesn't want that as he doesn't believe she is racist.

Anyway, I will continue to fight my corner, don't care if she hates me.

As for a DH problem. He feels he knows his mother better than I do which is no doubt correct. Doesn't change the fact she thinks and says horrible things...

I will show this thread to DH.

Well done OP. Hold your ground. This is YOUR boundary, he does not get to dictate where or what it is, who it is applied to, & how you decide to manage people who refuse to respect it.

If DH does read this thread - (I'm not convinced it's the best way forward but over to you OP) -
hey there! how about getting some education, instead of excusing your mother's appalling racism & YES, eugenicism? - www.history.com/topics/germany/eugenics

None of us know your mother "better than OP does" either.
We don't need to know her to identify appalling racism, ableism & white supremacy-worthy remarks about "soiling the gene pool".

FFS, grow a backbone, tell your mother she was out of line, & support your other family members, especially your wife, instead of your seriously out of line mother.

ChargingBuck · 10/07/2021 12:19

Thank you I like the suggestion of reading up on micro aggressions. Have just googled it, it's something I've experienced all my life (didn't know it had a name!) and have told DH about instances where inexperienced micro aggressions. And his response was usually that it probably wasn't meant that way.

if that's an example of DH being "usually very rational" then I'm in line for a Nobel Prize.

When women get scared/upset/angry/frustrated/ about being catcalled or groped, does he dismiss that too, & defend the harrassers by saying "it wasn't meant that way"?
In other words, that the victims of harrassment should suck it up, & the harrassers never be called out?

That's not rational. That's burying your head in the sand.
He thinks micro-aggressions aren't important, because he doesn't suffer from them.
That's more than a lack of empathy - it's downright selfishness.

ChargingBuck · 10/07/2021 12:31

No I hate being around her. Now that Tubbs99 mentioned the term micro aggression I can see that this is exactly what mil does quite frequently. I guess whether or not she does it intentionally I don't know for certain.

Here's the thing OP - INTENT ISN'T MAGICAL.
Whether she "means it like that" or not is a red herring.
Both MiL & DH are deliberately deflecting accountability, & both of them are trying to make you feel bad for .... feeling bad about racist remarks -
www.shakesville.com/2011/12/harmful-communication-part-one-intent.html

nanbread · 10/07/2021 12:31

No I hate being around her. Now that Tubbs99 mentioned the term micro aggression I can see that this is exactly what mil does quite frequently. I guess whether or not she does it intentionally I don't know for certain.

Intentional or not, what matters is how she reacts once it's pointed out.

If it was unintentional surely the appropriate reaction is to apologise and correct herself. Not deny, minimise and play the victim.

What would happen if you pointed out her microaggressions?

If she doesn't want to change then she's ok with being racist.

Original poster

WhoopsieFairy · 10/07/2021 13:08

Lots of good and correct comments. Thank you!

MIL is white British, yes. DH thinks she is ditzy rather than malicious with her comments.

I did talk about eugenics and nazi Germany as essentially the comment is based on that type of thinking and at the time DH understood and could appreciate it. His mum, on the other hand was angry with me for making such a big deal out of it.

I will point out her micro or macro aggressions in the future. Hope I won't have to, but I'm prepared.

And I agree, it doesn't really matter how she means it, once she says something hurtful and it's pointed out then she should consider how her thinking makes her family feel. Perhaps she is doing it, I don't know. Maybe she felt defensive back then because I was really upset and talked about nazi and eugenics which shocked her. Quite rightly so I think.

She's often said 'silly' things that are hurtful to me in the past but it was always put down to her being a bit ditzy like I said. I never thought she is ditzy, but likes to pretend she is to get away with saying messed up stuff.

Anyhoo, I normally hate confrontation so hoping she won't say stupid things again, but that comment simply took it too far to not bring it up.

Thank you everyone for bringing up so many good points. I will Re-read this thread every time I need a bit of a confidence booster to stand up for myself and my baby

OP posts:

Wheretobuy · 10/07/2021 13:12

@WhoopsieFairy

For background. My SIL is of one race (doesn't matter which, just not white), I am mixed race with one parent of same race as SIL.

SIL has a child who is energetic and runs around a lot, doesn't sit still.

MIL commented to me that the child has Adhd (never diagnosed, MIL is not qualified to make diagnoses), the reason being that the genes of SIL (not her daughter, but her son's wife) mixed with British genes have soiled the gene pool, hence crazy energetic kid.

Cue me being seriously offended as (a) it's racist and (b) I'm of same race (albeit mixed) and have recently given birth to a child.

MIL feels attacked as I kicked up a fuss with her and DH. DH thinks I'm overreacting and his mum is not racist.

AIBU - yea you're overreacting, MIL is of a different generation and doesn't understand these things (dh's words)

AINBU - what the fuck is wrong with MIL?

Aaahhh.

It’s not just racism. It’s ignorance of even the basic facts of biology.

Bridezillamaybe · 10/07/2021 13:26

I'm so glad you are not tolerating this or excusing it. I am white and the BLM movement has really opened my eyes. I always thought it was enough to not be racist but roll my eyes and make an internal judgment when I heard others at it. I am ashamed now of all the times I stood and said nothing. Racists need to be shown it won't be tolerated.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/07/2021 13:35

Mil certainly won't repeat this comment again, to me, to my child or anyone else after our argument

But you don't know that, do you? She obviously believes it and she also obviously can't (or feels no need to) control what comes out of her mouth. Just because she may not say it in front of you, doesn't mean she won't say it in front of the children, when you (or SiL) are not there to hear it. All it will take is for one of you to step out of the room to go to the loo, get a drink of water, whatever.

She's often said 'silly' things that are hurtful to me in the past but it was always put down to her being a bit ditzy like I said

The reason why she says it doesn't matter a hill of beans. If someone hits your car accidentally, your car is still damaged and they still need to pay for it. So bullshit to others excusing her behaviour and expecting there to be no consequences.

If I was feeling generous, I'd tell my DH that she has one more chance but the next time she says anything that denigrates any ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, or the like it will be the last time she sees me or the children. Because it will happen again.

Truthseeker456 · 10/07/2021 13:57

She said soiled the gene pool , yes she is racist

NeonDreams · 10/07/2021 23:29

Wow, your husband sounds like prize scum. I believe he is as racist as his disgusting trashy mother. Racist is as racist does! If a person makes racist comments, then that person IS a racist! There is NO other way to see it, and your husband is a gutless coward and won't do the right thing by his WIFE and his own child and go NC, or he is as much as a racist deep down as she is and it's his White Privilege that stops him from seeing how disgustingly racist his mother is, and his refusal to take a stand and to see and understand your feelings is evidence of this. A white person does NOT get the right to tell a non-white person that they are 'overreacting'. That is as offensive, if not more so, than the racial slurs themselves! I would absolutely go NC for my children's sake because I would not want them to be around a racist. This would be divorce level/ marriage deal breaker for me, I'm afraid. It's one thing for the ball-less coward to not go NC and to put his own wife last, but to tell you you're over-reacting?! F that, I'd be THROWING a bag at his face and telling him to pack it and get out of my life, because that is rubbing salt into the wound. A male with white privilege does not get to tell a non-white or mixed race person they are over-reacting! How dare he compound the error by saying that!

His mother is trash, and he is cut from the same cloth I am afraid. He will always choose to upset you and put you last, and put racist mummy first. You need to decide if you can put up with decades with the racist bitch and her enabling mummy's boy with his white privilege. You either take a stand, or you have decades of this ahead of you. Imo your husband is as bad as she is, he is a lost cause. I'd cut your losses and leave. Racism has always been a deal-breaker for me, I will not tolerate it, I especially won't tolerate a white person telling us whether we are over-reacting. Not now, not ever. I would not allow MIL to see my children. They don't need a toxic racist grandma in their lives. Then again I would never get mixed up with someone who has a mother like that. 'Over-reacting' or not, your husband's gutlessness compounded by him pouring salt into the wound telling a mixed race woman she is 'over-reacting' would have me leaving the relationship. Do you honestly want to spend decades like this? He is his mother's son. She won't change, he won't change.

Anotheruser02 · 10/07/2021 23:46

If it were just up to me I'd go Nc but DH categorically doesn't want that as he doesn't believe she is racist.

I think 'D'H is quite indifferent to the fact she is racist. His gaslighting would fuck me off so much, to make me feel like the over reactor after such a shitty hurtful comment.

Sometimeswinning · 10/07/2021 23:59

More anger at DH than mil! @neondreams you are an incredibly angry person!

I would do as you say go nc with mil. Dh deals with her until you get fed up with his excuses or he apologises to you and goes no contact also!

NeonDreams · 11/07/2021 00:11

@Sometimeswinning Racism does make me very angry, yes. Perhaps if you had faced racism all your life, you would be angry too! Then to have people, white people, explain it away, tell you that you are over-reacting, you bet I and other people of colour would be angry!

And yes, the husband is the one making excuses for racists, which makes him as bad as they. But for the husband then, as another poster said, gaslight the OP and tell her she is 'over-reacting'? The betrayal by the husband is perhaps worse than the MIL because the husband is supposed to be a team with the OP, to be on her side, to be her biggest support and cheerleader. That this even needs explaining to you is unbelievable...