Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think MIL is racist

118 replies

WhoopsieFairy · 09/07/2021 15:50

For background. My SIL is of one race (doesn't matter which, just not white), I am mixed race with one parent of same race as SIL.

SIL has a child who is energetic and runs around a lot, doesn't sit still.

MIL commented to me that the child has Adhd (never diagnosed, MIL is not qualified to make diagnoses), the reason being that the genes of SIL (not her daughter, but her son's wife) mixed with British genes have soiled the gene pool, hence crazy energetic kid.

Cue me being seriously offended as (a) it's racist and (b) I'm of same race (albeit mixed) and have recently given birth to a child.

MIL feels attacked as I kicked up a fuss with her and DH. DH thinks I'm overreacting and his mum is not racist.

AIBU - yea you're overreacting, MIL is of a different generation and doesn't understand these things (dh's words)

AINBU - what the fuck is wrong with MIL?

Aaahhh.

OP posts:
MarianneUnfaithful · 09/07/2021 16:36

Out and out racist and very nasty.

And your DH (and his brother) need to cop on that their children’s grandmother believes that their children have ‘soiled’ genetic make up (did she actually use that word?).

And please please stop with the ‘generation’ thing. Her generation created the anti-Nazi league, Rock Against Racism, boycotted Apartheid S Africa etc etc. And their parents’ generation supported the civil rights movement. Plenty of racists in every generation, without doubt but age is no excuse in your ILs generation.

MarianneUnfaithful · 09/07/2021 16:39

P.S but I am ver sorry this happened to you. Of course you were angry and upset. And must feel thoroughly alienated by your own MIL.
SadFlowers

lazylinguist · 09/07/2021 16:41

YANBU. Racist and thick as mince.

winnieanddaisy · 09/07/2021 16:55

I'm 68 . I think your MIL is talking through her rear end . Am I of a generation who doesn't understand ?

LizzieW1969 · 09/07/2021 16:58

How could it be anything but racist? And very nasty.

ahoyshipmates · 09/07/2021 17:26

Being of an older generation and not understanding is an absolute load of cobblers. Anyone remotely old enough will know what Hitler was doing during the war and why he did it.

She is being horribly racist and your DH and BIL are enabling her - which makes them racist too.

ChargingBuck · 09/07/2021 17:46

DH feels I'm overreacting and can't let go

No he doesn't. Pushing the "overreacting" cliche onto you is a selfish attempt to get you to swallow your feelings in order to protect his.

He's putting his comfort ahead of yours because he doesn't want to think about his mother's racism. He certainly doesn't want to have the topic brought up in her earshot again - look how she responds. With manufactured 'offence' & fabricated accusations.
"Don't bring my GC into this" is a classic DARVO tactic, aimed at shutting you down & painting herself as the Wounded Martyr Who Is Only Protecting Her Family. Especially enraging as she's also using it to project her own actions onto you ... who didn't bring the subject up or mention her GC - she did!

www.narcissisticabuserehab.com/darvo/

To be clear, I'm not armchair-diagnosing her as a narc. DARVO isn't exclusive to the breed, & oft-used by tactless & overbearing people to shrug off the insult they have given other people & make out that reacting to an insult is somehow worse than being insulting.

In a smaller way - DH is borderline DARVO'ing you too now.
By telling you that your feelings are disproportionate, he is shutting you down. That's very unfair, & he has no right to dismiss you like this.
Why the fuck should you have to "let go" of any feelings you very reasonably have about MiL's vile comment, & why is he not on Team Wife ahead of Team Racist Mother?

I am so sorry you had to hear that outrageous remark from MiL, & that DH has compounded it by minimising its hurtfulness & its reflection on MiL's character. It is not up to you to have to push down your feelings to spare those of a tactless ignorant racist, or her racism-apologist son.

How to deal with this going forward?
Your boundary is not to be subjected to racist remarks from MiL. That's yours - it belongs to you, & is non-negotiable. Make this clear to DH. It is not his decision as to where you set your boundary, & it is certainly not on for him to try & push it back or weaken it with his bloody lame "let it go, you're over-reacting" bullshit.
Once he fully understands that - & I hope you can make it very clear indeed - you will have the luxurious option of not having to deal with MiL's crap in future. One more gene-pool-tastic (such a shame her genes are coded for ignorant claptrap) comment, & you call a sharp halt to procedings & leave her presence. If that's you leaving, fine - if it's in your home, she leaves. You then don't engage again until you hear a sincere apology.

It's demented that DH is enabling her antics, & you are 100& in the right to insist that he steps up & joins you in your new zero-tolerance policy.

Flowers ...also, I think you have earned one of these Wine

BillyShears · 09/07/2021 17:51

Yeah, she’s a massive racist.

And if she thinks her son’s “British genes” (which is just a way of saying “white genes” let’s be honest) are in some way pure, she’s mad. I’m very white and very English - in as much as I’ve always lived in England all of my life and so have my parents- but their (white) ancestors are from all over the world including Ireland, Poland and Hungary. Get her to do a DNA kit from ancestory and laugh when it turns out her purebred son has a load of Russian genes or something.

mbosnz · 09/07/2021 17:54

I'd be telling DH that he might think I'm overreacting, his Mother (scarcely an objective party) might think I'm overreacting, but here's the thing. I Don't Care whether they think I'm overreacting or not. This is and will forever be, my reaction to any such racist claptrap from anybody, from his mother, from him, from the Pope, from the Queen. I'm not sitting there listening to that shit, not about other members of my family (yes, MIL, my family too, my sil, my children, myself,my sil's children), and not reacting.

So if they don't like my reaction, then don't say such racist drivel around me, or about me. And I'd be telling him, that if I were he, I'd be thinking about who it makes more sense to offend - his racist mother, or his wife he sleeps with, and the mother of his children - and rethink his bloody priorities.

Ratalie · 09/07/2021 18:15

Extremely racist and your husband is an asshole.

HmmmmmmInteresting · 09/07/2021 18:18

Forget racist... she's literally a white supremacist!

Well done for calling her out...I would have frozen and not known what to say.

HmmmmmmInteresting · 09/07/2021 18:19

@Ratalie

Extremely racist and your husband is an asshole.
This too
Angrycat2768 · 09/07/2021 18:25

@WhoopsieFairy

Thank you to everyone who replied. I did explain in depth at the time to both DH and his mum how this comment made me feel and how I was worried about the impact of such thought on my child (and nephew of course). My DH at the time understood and explained it to his mother. She half heartedly apologised but it was clear she was offended by me calling her out and told me not to dare drag her other grandchild into the conversation (it was her who mentioned them in the first place!).

The reason I'm posting this now is because I saw her again recently and the feelings were brought up again and I was upset again and DH feels I'm overreacting and can't let go.

Fuming.

Her other grandchild, your child? She can fuck off with that too. You have every right to be concerned for your child having a racist as a grandmother!
Mrsfrumble · 09/07/2021 18:25

Yup. Racist AND ableist. Even is SIL’s child did have ADHD, it’s not “soiling” the gene pool FFS.

DS has ADHD and is bloody awesome. And as white as can be (English, Irish and Welsh Roma heritage).

Ratalie · 09/07/2021 18:28

Also, it'd be more than enough for me to go no contact.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/07/2021 18:36

Funnily enough it was my white, British father's forbears who have the 'defective gene' and passed in on. It's a fatal genetic neurological condition that is linked to what is thought of as 'traditional British' descent and Dad's parents were both born in the UK and were of good British (well, Cornish) stock. Luckily my DB and I are adopted so don't need to worry about it.

Your MiL is racist. And your DH is a racist-apologist, which is almost as bad.

eliohelio · 09/07/2021 18:46

She is a million times over a racist and bloody eugenicist and your husband is gaslighting the shit out of you for minimising it.

My OH is mixed race and I would absolutely not stand for my mother making a remark like this about my child. Vile. That poor child having them for an uncle and grandmother!

Lilypansy · 09/07/2021 18:53

That's unforgivably racist. I would be having strong words with her and with your husband for trying to excuse his mother.
I'm guessing your mother in law is a permed, blue rinse type of a certain age.

saraclara · 09/07/2021 18:58

@Lilypansy

That's unforgivably racist. I would be having strong words with her and with your husband for trying to excuse his mother. I'm guessing your mother in law is a permed, blue rinse type of a certain age.
Well she's clearly of an age to be a MIL, but FFS, don't generalise to the rest of us.

The right wing racist organisations are of course mostly populated by young men.

wedswench · 09/07/2021 19:00

Has she not noticed that all mixed race people aren't this way?

Original poster
WhoopsieFairy · 09/07/2021 19:02

Thanks again for all your messages.

I've told DH that I don't care what he thinks, I know she is racist and I will call her out for it. If it were just up to me I'd go Nc but DH categorically doesn't want that as he doesn't believe she is racist.

Anyway, I will continue to fight my corner, don't care if she hates me.

As for a DH problem. He feels he knows his mother better than I do which is no doubt correct. Doesn't change the fact she thinks and says horrible things...

I will show this thread to DH.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoopsieFairy · 09/07/2021 19:03

Mil isn't old at all, early 60s. Sad.

OP posts:
Nutrafin · 09/07/2021 19:03

That's unforgivably racist
Yup. I sometimes think people rush to the 'go NC' advice, particularly because it isn't always straightforward with family.

Personally though, I would not be able to get past this. I don't think the OP or her child should ever have to see MIL again.

I can understand DH's reaction being less than perfect off the bat, since its his mother, but he needs to back the OP (and quickly) or I don't see how the marriage survives this either.

Sorry you're going through this OP.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/07/2021 19:06

Yes she is racist. But I'd be more worried that your husband is racist because it's practically the definition of a racist comment. 'Soiling the genes' is absolutely sickening, what reason can your husband justify her saying this?

eliohelio · 09/07/2021 19:10

As for a DH problem. He feels he knows his mother better than I do which is no doubt correct. Doesn't change the fact she thinks and says horrible things...

Well he either doesn’t know her all that well, he’s blind to racism or he’s a racist sympathiser which is horrifying if he has a spouse who’s not white. Let him read the thread and decide for himself which group he falls into.

Would also like to add, neither him nor your MIL get to decideif the comment was racist. If you, as a non white person, feel offended by the comments of a white person then they need to sit down with you and discuss it, not dismiss it.