Dealing with friends richer than you

[Privilege101]

How do you deal with your most privileged friends?

Due to working in a highly professional field a lot of my friends come from very middle class backgrounds.

Parents own property outright for most or in some cases have bought multiple properties. I have one particular friend after getting married her parents bought her and husband a house for best part of 1 million pounds and recently they bought another house which they are renting out after refurbishing. She already owned a property (3 bed townhouse) outright which is also rented.

It makes me realise how privileged my friends can be and can be hard to deal with when you have parents who are really poor.

I’ve worked quite hard for what I do have, have good health, so I’m grateful. Wondering how you deal with this though? I appreciate its unique..

Disclaimer: I really love these friends but it’s hard to swallow when you see how much more they have compared to you.

It’s not unique. There are shitloads of millionaires around here. I wouldn’t work in the fields they work in for any amount of money. They all either sound really dull or really stressful or both. Look inwards and count your blessings - comparison is the thief of joy!

Who cares??? I mean really. What do you mean 'deal with them'?

The same way you deal with everyone.

You sound like an inverted snob.

You sound like you've done okay for yourself so focus on what you can achieve rather than who's parents have what.

Why would you ever care what other people have?
I've been motivated I life by what I'd like but I've never given a shit about what anyone else has/doesn't

Presumably you're on a career path that eventually you'll do very well from. Before you know it your children will be the kind of people your friends are now.

You know what everyone here will say "Envy is the thief of Joy".
Be proud of your own achievements, you have probably worked twice as hard to get where you have got, but don't resent their lifestyles.

I've been in your situation many years ago. Eventually we all drifted apart because they could afford to do stuff we couldn't :-( Sorry I can't be more helpful OP!

Not a snob.
Just they sometimes love to leave snippets of the next house they bought…/thing acquired

That doesn’t happen to me in my professional field, no. What do you do? I’m guessing it pays pretty well and you’ll probably do ok for yourself.

@sunshinesupermum yeah that’s what I’m worried about! Have a wedding coming up and worried they will look down on me as it’s obvious I can’t afford to do the same as they have in the past.

@Howshouldibehave I won’t give it away but it’s actually public sector so we are all not on massively high wages! Well maybe one or two husbands are as they have reached seniority.

It’s most definitely generational wealth… that’s actually I guess what I’m talking about. There really are stark disparities amongst different social/ethnic groups. You can work hard it life or at school and get the best job but you can’t compete with those who have wealthy parents.

I know how you feel op. I have the same. It’s nauseating - not because of what they earn but because of what they inherit. No matter how successful you are, you can never approach that amount of privilege.

They might not ever understand your point of view but the decent ones certainly won’t mention it. If you have enough for what you need (and it sounds like you have a decent job) then my advice is to count your blessings and make a point of never getting drawn in to any competitiveness

Meh, just be excited for them when they talk about things like the house that they've bought. There's nothing specific you need to 'deal' with. It is what it is!

I don’t understand what the issue that you need help dealing with is?

Do they rub it in your face? Do they make plans you can’t afford to join? Do they expect expensive gifts on birthdays?

Same here - pretty well paid, own business etc. But growing up with the private school, trust fund lot etc. can be difficult.

One friend, her mother just died and she's now given up work. At 45. Other one's just inherited a £1m house. Still works, but really doesn't need to. I wouldn't stress about trying to 'keep up'. Just build for your kids what they had built up for them. And don't worry about money - they value your friendship, not your status. That's a nice thing.

There are two women in particular that I have met through work, one almost thirty years ago and the other op about twenty years ago. Both very close friends of mine over different phases, although have drifted apart more recently. Both from extremely well off backgrounds and will certainly inherit multiple millions in due course.

I am from a very underprivileged background, my parents contribution to my first property was a basic pan set. 😅. But I can honestly say, I have never found the difference between my friends and I hard to deal with. I accept that we are from different backgrounds, as do they and that is the end of it. I don’t find it hard to swallow that they have more money than me, lots of people do, lots of people have a lot less than me. It’s life.

@Aprilx yes I agree, it’s actually something I’ve never really thought about until recently.

I have a friend who is very wealthy. We sometimes go for weekends together but we discuss budget etc beforehand to avoid awkwardness. She has never ever made me feel like the poor church mouse. I deal with her like I deal with anyone else, she's a friend. She just happens to be richer than me.

I totally understand OP. I have a handful of privileged friends that have trust funds. I also work in an industry where the colleagues I work with or people that I compete for a role or a position come from families with generational wealth.

Sometimes it's hard to stomach what comes easy for them due to money and lifestyle. Money isn't everything but they can afford options that everyone else who is not in their financial position can't.

I think what helps is to not fixate on what they have because thatwasattainedby their familial funds etc.. but rather focuson what you have attained and be proud of your achievements as you got them on your own without help.

It also helps to have other friends from differentmixed economic backgrounds too so you are just subjected to that set of friends only.

Don't get sucked into competition as well. It's not worth it.

There will always be people with more than you. There will always be people with less. Do you have everything you need OP? - and a bit of what you want? If the answer is yes you are doing fine.

Someone could equally say they are jelous that your brains or resiliance or parental encouragement (or whatever) helped you get a professional job and make a mortgage affordable if they were stuck with lower employment opportunities. Be grateful for what you have - not just materially but if you have health or relationships. No riches here but I wouldn't want to swap my life for anyone else's.

I deal with this by telling myself well, yes, there's always someone richer, just like there's always someone thinner, or happier, or luckier no matter where you are in the scheme of things.
I also try to really hear what people who have less than me are saying when we talk. If that makes any sense.

That’s not middle class OP. That’s extreme. And I speak as a very middle class private school educated person. You really have a very elite group of “friends”.

I have friends, and extended family, who are better off than, and some not as well off as, me. I can honestly say I rarely give it any thought, they are lovely people. We get together and go out, or we did before covid. Nobody is 'flash' and no one pleads poverty but we are all sufficiently sensitive to each other's circumstances without making an issue of it and have fairly simple tastes.

When I was a child at home with parents I was happy and money was never mentioned. As we grew, our parents gently advised us never to value a person by what they earn or own, and never show off to those who had more of a struggle because we were all equal.

We're getting on now, it's our children's turn and I hope they embody the same values.

Privilege101 I doubt they will do that at your wedding! As I remember, it was never openly done. But be prepared that you may need to develop a new set of friends you will feel more comfortable with. You'll be fine xx

Meh, I have loads of wealthier than me friends ( not that difficult to be fair ) One with an indoor pool and one with a holiday home, both of which they generously let me borrow for free 😀 so I'm a huge fan of rich friends!! Joking aside though, one of them is married to a total wanker and one has suffered so much grief and sadness in her family- I wouldn't want to be either of them, even with the ££££

Friends are friends. How rich they are is pretty much irrelevent. So is the size /number of cars, houses, etc.
What possible difference can it make to your life, what kind oif house or wedding presents your friend got?