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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dealing with friends richer than you

86 replies

Privilege101 · 08/07/2021 18:03

How do you deal with your most privileged friends?

Due to working in a highly professional field a lot of my friends come from very middle class backgrounds.

Parents own property outright for most or in some cases have bought multiple properties. I have one particular friend after getting married her parents bought her and husband a house for best part of 1 million pounds and recently they bought another house which they are renting out after refurbishing. She already owned a property (3 bed townhouse) outright which is also rented.

It makes me realise how privileged my friends can be and can be hard to deal with when you have parents who are really poor.

I’ve worked quite hard for what I do have, have good health, so I’m grateful. Wondering how you deal with this though? I appreciate its unique..

Disclaimer: I really love these friends but it’s hard to swallow when you see how much more they have compared to you.

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 08/07/2021 20:27

As someone who's been in the position of both being much wealthier than and much poorer than my friends at various points in my life, I would say it matters far far less than people fear it will.

The vast majority of people don't look down on people who are poorer than them. If you're self made they may if anything feel insecure about not having had to work for it. Chances are it won't even have crossed their minds.

Tiddleandplonk · 08/07/2021 20:30

My parents were well off but did not offer help.
Its not always the case that they do.
Anyway ,i know what you mean op. I had wealthy freind with 7 bed hoilday home and a home in spai n . They therefore had free hoildays several times a year in one hoilday home, and hoilday for flight cost too. The kids were bought i pads and beautiful clothes. The help helps you to keep your own money and can really affect choices. Eg my friend was able to give her dc a holiday every half term for eg for free.. if we had one holiday at half term it affected our bank balance wereas their income was untouched. Surrounded by similar folk ,my dc found no one around at half term etc and often asked why we cdnt go on hoilday etc. Then when they gor clothes bought they then also saved their own money and it naturally built when less demands on it wereas we in a similar job were always struggling to make ends meet. I remember when they wanted a house in a school catchment area they were simply.given 40 k plus to enable them to get the house which in turn affected the dc lives etc .sometimes it can be hard to penny pinch stood next to.this day after day. ..

Cheesypea · 08/07/2021 20:50

Are you following these people on social media? If so change your settings.
I understand I grew up very poor achieved a high level of education. Consequently its always been difficult to fit in, however its got easier as i got older (and care less). Some people think in a snob others thinking a chav- I tend to give people that want to pigeon whole me a wide berth.

CrouchEndTiger12 · 08/07/2021 20:52

None of my friends are that rich but the ones who have had parental funding for post grad, houses, cars, etc I just think well everything I have I earned for myself, no one bought me anything.

I feel proud of that.

CrouchEndTiger12 · 08/07/2021 20:53

I don't think poorly of anyone with more than me either. That is just life.

ElspethFlashman · 08/07/2021 21:02

I think it not only matters what you're attitude to them is, but also their attitude to you.

We have very wealthy friends. Old Etonian, Daddy owned everything sort of thing.

They go on a lot of holidays, they go out a lot, they drink champagne at every occasion and at every excuse, they only shop in Waitrose, when they do a job in the garden they hire a landscape gardener etc etc.

We are country mice who are quite frugal and don't go on holiday except to visit the in laws.

But they totally accept us the way we are and always seem interested. For example, we have chickens and they love that. They enjoy our conversation.

And we enjoy their conversations too. Oh sure, there are parts of their conversation that's a bit Shock at times, but we just treat it like a fun gossipy soap opera story and enjoy their extravagant tales.

It helps we don't actually live so near that we'd be expected to keep up with them. But actually I don't think they'd expect us too.

It just comes down to how much you like each other at the end of the day, doesn't it?

INeedNewShoes · 08/07/2021 21:14

The friends I have who are far better off than me would never look down their nose at people who happen to have less money than them.
In fact they go to great lengths to not alienate people who aren't so well off.

You're making a bigger deal of it than it most likely needs to be.

Lemonmelonsun · 08/07/2021 21:17

I'm so lucky I don't have feel jealous in this way.

Nothing is ever what it seems, the only time I've ever felt a pang was a girl kissing her mum once and her mum kissing her.

I've always had far poorer people around me and far richer.

RoseMartha · 08/07/2021 21:29

I get that you can get wistful now and then by wishing their 6th holiday that year is yours, but you have to see past what they have and concentrate on who they are and your relationship with them.

markmichelle · 08/07/2021 21:50

The wealthy ones in the family that I married into were so very nice to me/us, not condescending at all. They enjoyed spending on big family parties. Great fun, always welcoming.
Even now we are nowhere near their wealth - all is fine.
Relax and enjoy

HelloBunny · 08/07/2021 21:56

No problem. All of my friends are richer than me!

AngelicaElizaAndPeggy · 08/07/2021 21:59

I've got 2 friends like this OP and it's actually quite stressful for them. No, really, it is. The thing is, as their finances have expanded, so too have their outgoings - they have to pay nannies, school fees, maintenance on their homes, and then all of the expected things you need to have like skiing, boats, a pony, holidays, cosmetic dentistry, cars etc etc etc. A lot depends on bonuses which may/may not happen and their margins are actually pretty fine. It sounds a nightmare to keep up with and they are always super conscious of what their other rich friends have/don't have and spend a lot of time agonising over what they should have or do.

Honestly, you're best off out of it. Enjoy what you have and don't envy them their circumstances - they are rarely as stress-free as they seem.

firefly123 · 08/07/2021 22:00

I think the issue is you not them! They are your friends. Period. Sure they don't think about your money/wealth so why worry about theirs...

Perfectlystill · 08/07/2021 22:03

I think you need to accept as @Aprilx said that there will be plenty with more money than you and plenty with less.

I definitely think comparison is the thief of joy.

But I have noticed that my super rich friends are honestly no happier than me. If you get close to someone with vast amounts of cash you will probably realise trust, and then there's not much to envy.

Perfectlystill · 08/07/2021 22:09

@RaindropsOnRosie

It is such an immature opinion to be critical of people who have generational wealth. So what if they had it easier than you? Good for them. Do you expect them to give it all away and move to a 2 bed semi so you feel better?
I do think this is a ridiculous thing to say.

Defensive much?

Cazzovuoi · 08/07/2021 22:14

I would be devastated if I thought my friends had to “deal with me”.

They knew me when I had nothing, they saw the work I did to build my business and they know that the only difference a few million makes is choice. I have more choice now but I am still the exact same person, just richer.

wonderstuff · 08/07/2021 22:21

I'm sort of in between, I have inherited a decent amount of money that means I have a lovely house and can have a nice standard of living, but I didn't expect to, my father died quite young, and I had no idea he had as much as he did. In the past I've been dirt poor, we private rented for years and had resigned ourselves to never buying a house in our early thirties.

I've got friends richer than me and friends poorer, friends that will inherit and friends that won't.

I have for years practiced gratitude and it's really helped me feel content. I consciously think about the things I have to be grateful for. The other thing I think about if I'm in danger of getting envious is that I wouldn't swap my bag of worries for anyone else's, sure it would be lovely to have a big retirement pot or a designer whatever, but actually my life is the one that suits me and I wouldn't swap my family and my job for anything material.

If I'm out with close friends with less than me I make efforts to treat them in terms of buying drinks or whatever, if I'm out with richer mates I don't object too much if they decide to cover more spends, but other than that I don't really worry about it.

At the end of the day money is just stuff, love, friendship, family, health, they're the important things.

Nohomemadecandles · 08/07/2021 22:26

I don't "deal with it". I like my friends for what they are not what they do or don't have.

I'm sometimes envious but never jealous. There's a big difference.

You need to work on you not them, I think.

forinborin · 08/07/2021 22:28

I know how you feel, OP. My best friend, of 20+ years, had married a multimillionaire guy a few years ago. We have drifted almost fully apart by now - there's just such a chasm between our lifestyles, it simply became impossible to ignore it. She's still a lovely person, but we are just living in such different worlds now that all points of contact are effectively lost.

Original poster
Privilege101 · 08/07/2021 22:55

Some people need to get off their high horse!

Honestly when I said “deal with” I meant my feelings of envy! That’s all! It really is a nest of vipers in here

OP posts:
queenmeadhbh · 08/07/2021 23:02

@Privilege101

Some people need to get off their high horse!

Honestly when I said “deal with” I meant my feelings of envy! That’s all! It really is a nest of vipers in here

OP that really wasn’t clear. I was confused by your post, read the whole thread, was about to ask you if you meant deal with something they were doing, or deal with what you are feeling. You don’t mention envy anywhere.

In your OP you say are grateful for what you have. You can’t simultaneously be grateful for being you, but envy them for being them.

Scottishskifun · 08/07/2021 23:03

It doesn't bother me I focus on what I can control.
"living up with the Jones" is never a good idea just leads to debt.
They won't look their noses down on your wedding and everyone knows the most fun weddings are the ones where everyone feels relaxed rather than on pompous!

I have one friend who loves to occasionally tell me about her exclusive and expensive designer clothes so I usually tell her about a bargain designer handbag (not a fake) I picked up in my local charity shop 😂 worth going to the other extreme if they are a bit boasty on occasions and it's pretty funny to watch a reaction!

Original poster
Privilege101 · 08/07/2021 23:20

@queenmeadhbh

Yes I take your point but I honestly do feel grateful for what I have but at the same time can’t help feel a tiny bit of envy… I wouldn’t have made this post otherwise… what I’m saying is I really love my friends so really hate feelings of envy

OP posts:
PerveenMistry · 08/07/2021 23:24

Why are they talking so much about their finances and home values. I would find that crass and low-class.

Ragwort · 09/07/2021 08:43

I think most of us didn't appreciate what you meant when you said 'how to deal with friends' who have more than you, it would have been clearer if you had said 'how to deal with feelings of envy'.

I am blessed in that I genuinely don't feel jealous or envious of friends who have more than me, one particular friend is considerably wealthier than me, fabulous holidays, meals out, holiday apartment type rich ... yet I know within her family they have to cope with serious mental health issues and other challenges ... I am just grateful that I don't have to cope with that.